Beck was full of trepidation at the thought of meeting Ross for dinner. With the advance notice she had arranged for a neighbor to sleep over with her Mum so she did not need to be back at a particular time.
But, since seeing the video, she had a sense of betrayal of Ross’s trust in what she had told Jacob. She did not think his or her name would ever come out from Jacob. But she had used the ‘in confidence’ information Ross gave her to send Jacob off on his hunt for Susan. Jacob was exactly the type of bloodhound who would succeed.
As the first step this afternoon she had rung Alan, told him about the agreement for the pardon, but also asked him to warn Susan’s friends to be very careful about her location. She suggested to Alan it might be a good idea for Susan to move to another part of Australia as, with documents floating around in senior government which referenced her examination by Ross Sangster in Brisbane, the chance of a leak was much greater. With this came the risk of journalists searching for her in this part of the state.
Alan agreed she was right and said he would pass it on “post haste”.
So, hopefully, that would protect Susan, though Beck did not feel sure. But what most ate at her was she had betrayed the trust of a man she really liked. She hated facing him with this between them. After meeting Jacob she buried the money deep in a drawer with her clothes. Since seeing the video she could not bear to bring it out and touch it, it had such a tainted feel.
As she dressed to go out she looked at her over-strong jaw and nose and wished she had been born softer and prettier. Not that Ross was a drop dead gorgeous type either, but she wanted him to look at her with liking on this night out together. She thought that, perhaps, she was as nervous of him and how he looked at her as she was of the secret she held. After looking in the mirror yet again she gave away the effort at covering her face with a layer of make-up, he would have to take her as he found her.
They met in the lobby of the hotel he was staying in. An excellent restaurant with a mixed Asian cuisine, which she loved, was next door. For ease she had suggested it.He was already at the bar when she walked in and he looked as nervous as she felt. That relieved her. Maybe he cared what she thought of him too. He looked well in black pants and a white shirt and his black hair neatly brushed back. He seemed taller than her when she came up to him. Impromptu she leaned up on her toes and lightly kissed his cheek in greeting.
In return he took her hands and looked at her saying, in a quaint, old-worldly way, “You look quite lovely.”
“She blushed with pleasure.”
They fell into casual conversation. She went to talk about the case at first, but he pressed a finger to her lips saying, “It is not so often I get to have dinner with a beautiful girl. How about you begin by telling me about yourself and how you come to be living here, working in such an important position.”
So they chatted about her. She found she did not want to pretend with this man. She told him of her mother again, but in more detail, how she lived with her and cared for her and it left little time for other things. She said, “Really I don’t have much time for going out now so I lead a fairly boring life. My days of being an out there party girl are long gone. It is strange how work has become my sanity outlet.”
He nodded, sympathetic, but more, as if he understood, saying. “My life is not too dissimilar to yours, not that I have the reason you have of caring for another. But I am not easy in most people’s company. I find that small talk does not come easily away from work. I often seem to say silly, inappropriate things. So, like you, my work has become my passion and main outlet. It is where I feel most comfortable. I sometimes wish I was a naturally social person. So it is nice to find a kindred soul.”
After that they followed other lines of conversation as they ate their dinner. He liked listening to classical music and they shared this interest, he had dabbled in photography as had she. The meal drifted by with a pleasant meandering feel. After the meal was done they moved to a lounge chair in a small alcove, sitting side by side but not touching, sharing a glass of port.
Finally he asked her about the case which she quickly updated him on.
He looked both relieved and pleased when she told him about the agreement on the pardon, saying, “I am very fearful for this girl, lest she be discovered. I only hope my own foolish mistake, that question about the crocodile, has not really harmed her. In the second after I said it, even before she had registered it, I wished I could have taken the words back. I think it was my ego, wanting to be clever and play God, the great fixer, rather than just waiting for her own self discovery. I have damaged her trust. I hope I have not damaged more. The thought gives me sleepless nights.
“Have you ever deeply wished you could undo something?”
As he spoke he looked into her eyes with searching intensity, as if seeking to discover kindness in her soul.
She felt shame well up, his mistake seemed such a small thing compared to what she had done, but for him she could tell the pain was real. She knew she must take this chance to unburden herself too. She took his hand which rested on the couch beside her, squeezed it with her own and turned her face back to his, searching his eyes as she gathered courage. “Thank you for telling me, it must be hard to speak of this. In time I think she will come to understand that you meant her no harm.” She took a deep breath to steel herself to go on, collecting her faltering words. “I have done something far worse, a thing that shames me. I harmed you and her in what I did.”
His eyes stared into hers in a kind, nonjudgmental way. She stumbled through the story, the lust and betrayal, the taking of the money, the buying of things to help her mother, and then the day just gone when she met this man again and took his money in return for telling what Ross had told her. She saw the pain in his face as she told of that, a wince. He did not look away.
She finished by saying, “After I saw the video I could not bear to touch the money. It is still in my drawer. I feel, having sold out, I should take it, use it to buy the thing for which I paid the price. Then a small piece of good can follow the bad. But I cannot bear one more betrayal. Before I saw her face and terror I pretended I was harming no-one, even though it was a lie.
“I cannot pretend anymore. In her face I saw the harm I had done to her, now and before. So, if I cannot repair that, I must do no further harm.” Beck’s body was shaking as she spoke; Her mind felt a tearless horror. Ross did not speak but put a big arm around her shoulder and pulled her in against him, cradling her head like a child. They sat like that for some unknown time.
At last he spoke. “What you did was a bad and selfish thing, and cannot be undone. For that you will always carry shame. Now you must learn to let it go. One day, should the chance arise, you must tell these words to those you have hurt, the girl and her man. They are good people and I am sure they would forgive as I do. Then perhaps you can begin to forgive yourself. In the meantime we should do something good with that money. Not use it for your mother, I will make sure she gets the wheelchair she needs without you needing to lie and steal secrets. But you should use it to help others in great need, those you do not know. That way the money will not taint them too.”
Beck put her arm around him and lay her head against his shoulder. “Did anyone tell you, you are a good man and a good friend.”
The weekend passed with them spending most of the time in each other’s company. They were not lovers but their friendship was a deep and intense thing, they had shared their deepest and worst secrets so now they felt as if they could each tell the other anything. On Saturday they drove out to Litchfield National Park. They walked alone along a barren stony track for half an hour until it plunged down a hole in the hills. They swam together in a clear rock-encased pool, both a little self-conscious about their revealed, imperfect bodies. A late wet season water flow plunged over a sheer cliff into this shadowed place below, spraying them with a fine mist that flowed over their bodies and made surreal shapes as they drifted in and out of the fog into the gloomy light.
That night Beck played host at her own house. While she worked away in the kitchen preparing food, Ross charmed her mother and the next door neighbor, a regular visitor who covered for when Beck was away, she was a longstanding friend of the family.
On Sunday night, in fact early Monday morning, she went with Ross to the airport for his red-eye flight to Brisbane. She sat with him at a small table, sipping a coke and keeping odd snippets of conversation going but mostly just sharing silence. Finally, when the flight was called, Ross took her hands, saying, “Thank you for a wonderful weekend; the best in my memory.
“I have been meaning to tell you but was not sure how to say it. I have been offered a job in Darwin, working at the hospital in the Rehabilitation Unit for people with brain injury, both from alcohol and traumatic causes. It sounds exciting, but in truth half the attraction is because you live here. What do you think about me taking it?”
She gave a spontaneous grin. “Well I am glad that is settled. Otherwise I would have had to find a way to move to Brisbane. That would have been tricky with my mother. In the meantime I was thinking of flying down to Brisbane for another weekend, just with you, only if you are free, of course. This time you can play the host.”
Now he gave her a huge smile in return, “I would really like that.”