Chapter Sixteen

Our long goodbye

The day after Christmas, I could tell Toby felt bad. If breathing wasn’t hard enough, he had also been suffering these cognitive fluctuations. We decided to schedule hospice to come the first week of January. Looking at him now, so tired and often in pain, I wished I’d scheduled them earlier.

“Hey, babe.”

I turned to my smiling husband. “Hey.”

“I was thinking about inviting Sid over to help us with all our leftovers.”

“Good idea.” Over the holidays Toby had cooked like he wanted to cram the next twenty-five Christmas dinners into one. “Are you going to call, or do you want me to?”

“I’ll call.” His smile didn’t reach his eyes. A little frown grew deep between his brows.

“Are you sure? Do you feel okay?”

“Yeah, just a bit of a headache. I’ll be fine.”

Toby called, and by the sound of the one-sided conversation I overheard, Sid had accepted. I headed to the kitchen to start pulling out leftovers to reheat.

“He said he was on his way.” Toby grinned. “Typical bachelor. What he needs is the love and care of a good woman. Maybe next time around.”

That was true. Sid was a fine man who deserved more than what he had the first time. Still, two good sons came from that disastrous union. He was so handsome back then and still is now. His ex was crazy. He would have been on my radar for sure if this thing with Toby hadn’t happened. Especially since my relationship with Nate had apparently hit the expiration date.

My phone rang, breaking into my thoughts. The screen read Nate. Well, now, speak of the devil. Why was it that almost every time he crossed my mind, he called? Surely we don’t have that kind of soul connection. I debated whether to answer it or not. My thumb finally decided by hitting decline. Little Miss Breathy Voice’s shelf-life must have expired too. At least I lasted a couple of years.

A voicemail alert popped up. Curious, I listened.

“Hey, Red. Umm, yeah, hey, listen. I’m passing through close to you in early June on my way to speak at a convention and wondered if we could meet for drinks? I want to clear something up with you about our last conversation. I’d appreciate you giving me a call.”

Clear something up? What on earth did he have to say? Oh well, I had too much on my plate to waste time with him. I deleted the message. “Sorry Nate. Consider yourself expired.”

“What’s that, hon?”

I whirled around. Had Toby heard me say Nate? “Telemarketer.”

“I thought you were on the Do Not Call list.”

“I am, but somehow they get through.” Thank goodness he hadn’t heard. The last thing he needed was to worry about me and Nate, who was way off my radar.

Sid arrived just as I closed the doors on double ovens that were crammed with leftovers. “Hey, Sid. Dinner will be ready in about thirty minutes. How ‘bout a drink?”

“Sounds great. Where’s Tob?”

I looked around. “I’m not sure. Make yourself something and I’ll check.”

Sid walked to the bar and I checked in our room. He wasn’t there. I tried to not panic, so I walked back into the living room. Sid had just made a bourbon and seltzer. “Find him?”

“No, let me check in the den.”

He set his drink down. Sid knew I was worried. “I’ll check upstairs.”

I didn’t find him in the back and a growing panic gnawed in my stomach.

From upstairs Sid’s voice boomed out. “Lexi. Quick. Upstairs.”

“What the?” I flew up the steps and found Sid holding onto Toby by the waist. Toby was half-way out the guestroom window and fighting Sid.

“Let go, I just want to take a walk on the balcony.”

“Baby. This is Lexi. Honey. There is no balcony.”

Toby turned to my voice and looked at me with empty eyes, that slowly filled with recognition. “Lex?” He looked at Sid then at his leg hanging out the window. “Not again?”

He let us help him back inside, then he collapsed on the floor. “God. Ya’ll, I’m so sorry.” Scrubbing his face with his shaking hands, he blew out a breath. “I can’t do this to you, Lexi.”

“Do what, hon?”

“These crazy things.”

I kneeled beside him. “Don’t say that. Every day we have left is precious. I’ll just have to keep a closer eye on you.”

“But that isn’t a life for you. It is a prison.”

Sid put his hand on Toby’s shoulder. “Hey, bud, she isn’t alone in this. I’m here for you too.”

Toby stared up at me, then Sid. “Man.” His gaze fell to his lap. “I don’t deserve you two.”

Sid helped Toby up. “Hey, remember that song, ‘He ain’t Heavy, He’s My Brother’?”

“Yeah.”

Sid put his hand on Toby’s shoulder. “Remember the line about being strong enough to carry him? Well, that’s the way I feel. I’m here for you, buddy.” Sid smiled. “And the way that dinner is smelling, I’m ready to carry you on my shoulders downstairs to the kitchen. I’m hungry as a wolf. Let’s eat.”

I followed the guys down the stairs. Toby turned back to being his gregarious self, talking to Sid over drinks while I pulled dinner out of the stoves and set the table. I hoped they’d eat a lot because I had lost my appetite.

****

New Year’s Eve came and passed like any other day. Dawn peeked through the curtain making a patchwork of shadows on the bed. I stared in the dark at Toby’s silhouette next to me. It was the first day of the year and honestly, I couldn’t celebrate what this new year promised to bring.

Toby stirred, then rolled over and faced me. “Morning. Happy New Year.”

“Happy?” I couldn’t wrap my head around this new year’s greeting that I’d rattled off for the past five decades of my life. “You are dying. I’m losing you again.” Warm tears filled my eyes and slid down my cheek.

“Hey. Babe.” He tenderly thumbed the dampness off my face. “We are all going to die. The only difference is I’ve been given a time frame.”

When I didn’t answer he scooted close and nuzzled my neck. “Hey, I want you to promise me something.”

“What?”

“Don’t give up on love. Marry again.”

“I can’t think about that right now.”

He hugged me tighter. “I know. But it’s all I can think about. I want to, no, I need to know that you will finish out your days with someone who appreciates the amazing woman you are. And…”

He didn’t finish his sentence, so I turned over and searched his eyes. “And what?”

“And that person isn’t Nate.”

“What do you mean?”

“I heard.”

“Then you must have heard me say he was expired.”

“Yes. But I also know he’s a determined man. I don’t feel good about him.”

I kissed Toby’s forehead. “Then who do you feel good about?”

“I’m not saying. But you will know. In time.”

“Toby, I promise to try and give love another chance.”

He sighed and smiled. “Thank you, baby. You’ve given me the release I need.”

Sitting up, I swung my legs over the edge of the bed. “All I know is that I need coffee. Want me to bring you some?”

“No, I’m getting up.”

He grimaced when he leaned on his left side.

“You need help?”

“No, babe. Thanks, though.”

I put on my robe and slippers. The minutes we had together were sifting through life’s hourglass. I wish I had a way to slow them down.

****

It seemed to me that once I promised Toby I’d give love another chance, he made up his mind that he was ready to go. In the two weeks since our conversation on New Year’s morning, he had disappeared a little each day. Hospice said this was normal. I had a hospital bed set up in our room which made caring for him easier on both of us. I’d sit beside him for hours and watch every breath, not wanting to miss his last. Then, one morning it was as if the clouds of his mind cleared, he looked at me and smiled. I raised the head of his bed and we talked. He told me how grateful he was for me and how much he loved me. We talked for an hour. It was like nothing was wrong. Like he wasn’t sick at all. But just as the clouds had parted, they soon gathered back together. Before he closed his eyes, he mumbled, “Remember, give love another chance.”

He never woke again.

Two mornings later, on January 17th, I kept my vigil watching the rise and fall of his chest. I wanted coffee, so just in case he happened to open his eyes and see I wasn’t there, I leaned close and whispered, “Tob, I’m going to make a cup of coffee. I’ll be right back.”

When I returned, he was gone.

Tears coursed down my face as I lifted his hand to my lips and then held it. Even though I felt relieved that his suffering was over, I still battled the widening gulf of loneliness inside me. Still holding his hand, I called Hospice. Then I called my girls. Within minutes, Miss Cladie, Avalee, and Molly Kate were by my side embracing me while saying their goodbyes to Toby. I remained by his side while Miss Cladie and Molly Kate bustled around in the kitchen. Avalee sat beside me saying nothing. Her presence was all I wanted or needed. After a few minutes, the fragrance of coffee drifted into the living room. So strange how that comforted me. Soon, the house would be filled with those paying their respects. Thank goodness for Cladie Mae, and Molly Kate. They would be the perfect hostesses. I couldn’t face anyone or anything.

After the funeral home left with Toby’s body, I trudged into my bathroom. His robe hung by the shower and I buried my face in it. Everything was just as he left it. Like he was in the kitchen cooking breakfast. I could almost hear him clanging pans.

I thought back to him asking me to love again. It was his dying wish. But I didn’t know if I could keep my promise.

****

Toby’s service was just as he had requested. Small, a lot of food and friends. Jema had flown in and planned on staying with me as long as I needed her. She would never know the comfort this gave me.

When everyone had left, the girls and Miss Cladie stayed behind to clean up, bless them. They wouldn’t let me do a thing.

“Here, hon.” Jema handed me a mug of hot tea. “Sugar, while I’m here, I plan on making a pest of myself unless you’d rather be left alone.”

“Please. Stay close.” I took a sip of tea, then asked, “Would you ask Miss Cladie to come here for a moment?”

“Sure, hon.” Moments later, Cladie Mae walked into the living room, followed by Avalee and Molly Kate.

“Miss Cladie, I have a favor to ask.”

“What is it, sugar?”

“Toby asked me to scatter his ashes in a field so they could catch in the wind. He liked the idea of freedom this gave him. I’ve been thinking of places where I could do this. I thought of the lake or my back yard under the tree he loved so much. Then the perfect place came to my mind. Your land where the Moonlight Market meets every Saturday in the summer. There in that big field where the wildflowers bloom each spring? Would it be okay with you for me to scatter them there?”

“Of course, baby girl.” Miss Cladie sat beside me on the couch and put her arm around my shoulders and squeezed me to her.

Avalee sat on my other side. “I think that’s the perfect place.”

Molly Kate wiped her eyes with the hem of her apron. “Me too.”

Two weeks later, Toby’s remains were delivered. It felt so strange holding that box. It held what used to be my husband. I couldn’t wrap my mind around this. Fresh pain electrified my body and I missed him more than ever. I crumpled to the floor, hugging it to my chest.

“Lexi, honey, what’s wrong.” Jema kneeled beside me and I showed her the carton. She wrapped me in her arms and rocked me like a child. No words were spoken. None were needed.

When I gathered myself, I stood. “I’m taking him to the field now.”

“Do you want me to come with you?”

“No, I’ll be fine. I think I need to do this alone.”

“I’ll be here when you get back with a glass of wine.”

I hugged her, slipped on a coat, and left.

I was half-way there when my phone rang. It was Miss Cladie.

“Hello.”

“Hey, ladybug. Jema called to let me know Toby’s remains arrived and that you are on your way to scatter them. Listen, go to the small copse of trees by the duck pond. Toby loved it there.”

“He did? I didn’t know that.”

“Yes, he went there to pray and meditate when he felt overwhelmed.” Her voice cracked “I think he’d love you releasing his ashes there.”

“Thank you, Miss Cladie. I’ll walk that way now.”

“Take your time but let us know when you are on your way back.”

“I will.” I disconnected the call and continued my walk to Toby’s final resting place.

When I reached the duck pond, I was surprised to find a beautiful iron memorial bench. Toby’s name had been laser cut on the backrest. I ran my hand over it and sighed. Miss Cladie’s doings, no doubt. God love her.

I eased on the bench and set the box beside me. It was a cloudy day, fitting for my mood. A chilly breeze blew at my back. I hugged my coat tighter. The ducks were impervious to the chill. They floated and bobbed, never paying attention to me. Somewhere I heard a cardinal, cheer, cheer, cheer, birdie, birdie, birdie.

Lifting my face to the billowing clouds I released the breath I’d been holding and closed my eyes and focused on feeling of the moment, the birdsong, and the wind in the trees. Peace filled me.

It was time. I stood and walked to the middle of the field, opened the box, and let the wind take Toby’s remains far and wide.

“Goodbye, my love.”

No sooner had the words left my mouth, a beam of sunlight broke through the clouds. I let it bathe my upturned face, feeling that Toby was letting me know he was at peace too.