Ashlyn
Vichter followed her back into the house, his hand in hers. She didn’t want to let go, afraid he would disappear if she did.
Ashlyn thought being with him in every way would give her some closure, make her feel like she’d given her best to the situation. She didn’t regret one moment of time she’d shared with him, but now she was more scared than ever, and she didn’t really know what to do with herself.
Gone were her bravado and confidence. Suddenly, it was hard to look at Vichter, to see him smiling at her like that. Every time she looked at him, it made her chest tighten.
She had to find a way to let him go. Even if she fell apart afterward, he had to think she was okay. She would not tie him down by clinging to him and crying love.
Was this love? This painful ache that made her nauseous? Ashlyn didn’t like feeling like this. She’d never relied on anyone for her own happiness, and she didn’t like the thought of anyone relying on her either.
“Are you okay, Ash? You haven’t said anything. I’m starting to worry a little.” He’d left her alone to her thoughts for a while, and she was thankful, but she knew it wouldn’t last.
“Yeah, I’m just thinking.” She wasn’t really. Ashlyn’s brain was not driving her now. It was pure willpower that was keeping her standing and moving. She’d never had any alcohol, but she thought this might be what being drunk felt like—sick, dizzy, out-of-control.
Vichter sat her down on the sofa. He disappeared into the kitchen, and she could hear him banging around in there.
“You need some help?”
“Nah, I think I got it.” He came out with a coffee cup, a tea bag dangling from the rim. “Here, drink this.” The smell of Darjeeling tea filled the living room, and Ashlyn sighed. It was a luxury she rarely allowed herself, but it was welcome. She’d received the small box of tea as a Christmas present from the church for helping decorate the chapel, and it was almost empty. She didn’t complain, though, afraid that would open the conversation. She kept her mouth firmly shut, managing a small smile when he looked back at her.
“I know you’re confused right now. And I’m not going to press you to talk. But there are a couple of things I have to say, if that’s okay.” Vichter paced the length of the room but didn’t take his eyes off of her.
Ashlyn nodded, sipping the tea, though it was still too hot. It made her lips burn, which kind of helped wake her from this weird trance.
“I’m not upset, Vichter. I don’t have any regrets. But you know I don’t have much experience. Not just with sex but with anyone. I’ve never had a boyfriend or been in a relationship. I just hadn’t gotten around to that part of my life. So all of this is new. This … afterward part. I don’t think I like it much.”
“The afterward can be the best part if you do it right. But I’m at a loss too, and I feel it … like something’s missing or …”
“Or over.” She didn’t mean to say that, it just came out. And there it was, the huge elephant in the room. That was better than trying to dance around it, which was just making her exhausted and emotional.
“Look, Ash, today changed everything. You know that. I know that. Do I know what it means? Do I have a plan? No. But know this. I’m not going to just up and leave in the middle of the night tonight. We have time. We have time to talk and get to know each other.”
Ashlyn leaned her head on the back of the couch, staring at the ceiling, unable to keep it up and unable to face Vichter.
For the first time, she didn’t have anything to hide, but that didn’t prevent her from wanting to hide. From him. From his stained-glass eyes that seemed to see through her. From the inevitable pain.
“We need to lay things out there, Ash. We can’t make decisions about us when we don’t even know who we are. We need to know where we stand, what we want, all the important stuff.”
Ashlyn was silent for a moment, then sighed into her arm. She picked up her cup and drank the last of the tea. She wanted to take a walk, put some distance between them for a minute so she could think. They hadn’t gotten far on their earlier walk.
But when she raised her head and made to stand, she burst out laughing.
Vichter was in the middle of getting undressed in the center of the living room. He’d left a messy pile of clothes, as if he had stripped as fast as he could while she wasn’t looking. And he was blushing at getting caught, staring at her like a deer in headlights, his hands still tugging at his last sock.
“We’re gonna talk, Ash, so don’t run. We’re gonna chat while we cuddle. Because that’s part of the afterward that is awesome. C’mere.” He held out his hand to her.
“I thought you said you couldn’t read minds!”
“I can’t, but I’m getting good at reading you, Ms. Scaredy Cat. So stop with the weirdness. It’s giving me a complex.”
He was right. She wasn’t sure she’d survive the night, but he deserved at least that, right?
When Vichter picked her up in his arms and she felt his innate warmth, she gave up the fight.