Tara was feeling angry and upset and tired. She didn’t need a doctor, she needed money and decent help and, basically, sleep. Thank God Zoe was back in Dublin. At least she’d have an extra pair of hands from time to time and someone to talk to. When her father had told her he’d gone to see Greg, she’d been annoyed at his interference but not half as incensed as she was when she heard what Greg had said about her. Was he delusional or trying to persuade Terence she was crazy in order to excuse his behaviour? And her dad had swallowed it all and was now convinced that she was sick in the head. He’d even suggested that Greg may only have hit her because of the pressure that she’d put him under. It would be laughable if it hadn’t hurt so much. Terence might never win a Best Father award but he’d always supported her and seemed proud of her accomplishments. It was hard not to feel hurt that he’d so readily believed Greg. How she wished this ordeal was over and she was having a good old moan with Zoe over a bottle of wine instead of sitting in her GP’s waiting room.
She glanced over at her father, who was engrossed in a novel and oblivious of the surreptitious glances the woman opposite was giving him. She couldn’t believe it when he’d insisted on coming along today. It made her uneasy. Dad had become a much more regular visitor. She’d assumed it was because he was concerned about her, what with Greg being unemployed. Now she didn’t know what to think.
‘Tara? Would you like to come through?’
She looked up to see Jane Burton, her GP, smiling at her and stood up. Her father closed his book. ‘Don’t even think about it,’ she hissed and stalked past him.
‘Good to see you, Tara. How can I help?’ the doctor asked when they were in the safety of her consulting room.
‘How are you at making souffés?’ Tara joked.
‘Rubbish.’ Jane laughed. ‘Is work getting on top of you?’
‘It is a bit,’ Tara admitted, ‘but I’m coping. The only reason I’m here wasting your time is to get my father off my back. He’s worried about me.’
‘Why’s that?’ Jane settled back in her chair.
‘Greg is still out of work and so I’ve been taking on more business to compensate. Then Greg and I had a row and he slapped me across the face and I threw him out and now’ – Tara sighed – ‘now it seems it was my fault.’
Jane sat up, looking shocked. ‘Greg hit you?’
‘Yes, but it’s not about that. It was probably a one-off. What I resent is that I have done everything I can to help him get through a tough time and not only has he thrown it back in my face, he’s resented my success in my business and done nothing to help me. He and my father think that I’m upset about the slap but I’m upset because I feel let down and I’ve had enough. They think that I have some sort of obsessive-compulsive disorder because I make lists, never stop cleaning and get annoyed when things don’t work out the way I want. But I believe that in my business it’s a positive to be a perfectionist.’ She paused for breath, alarmed at the way all of her anger had spewed out. She looked across at Jane but the doctor said nothing, waiting patiently for her to continue. ‘Yes, I admit, I like to be in control and I do find housework therapeutic.’ She shot Jane an anxious look. ‘Is that weird?’
‘No.’ Jane’s smile was kind and understanding. ‘And if you run out of things to clean, come over to my house. It sounds to me as if you know exactly what is going on in your life and what you need to do to calm yourself.’
‘I wouldn’t go that far,’ Tara said. ‘But I’m under a lot of pressure and pretty strung-out at the moment, but it’s just because it’s such a difficult time.’
‘Difficult because of Greg?’
‘Not just him. Customers aren’t paying their bills and I don’t sleep well but lie awake worrying about the mortgage. And, I know that I’m probably drinking too much. But I just feel constantly tired and stressed.’
‘Is your drinking out of control?’ Jane asked.
‘I don’t think so. I couldn’t cope with drinking to the point that I blacked out or let a customer down. But I’m drinking to help me relax, to help me sleep, and then, of course, the next day I’m more exhausted because of the alcohol. So, Jane, do I need to check myself into a drying-out clinic?’
Her doctor didn’t smile along with Tara. ‘I don’t think so but I would like you to try and cut down. Alcohol won’t make you feel better in the long run. What I think would help is a holiday, a break from your usual routine.’
‘I don’t have time for a holiday and I certainly can’t afford one.’
‘Do you have time for a breakdown? Can you afford one?’ Jane countered, effectively silencing Tara.
Back on the street, Tara thought she would never shake off her dad. He didn’t ask any questions but she could hear them in her head and feel his eyes on her. God, she really was paranoid. She invented an errand just to get away, assuring him she was fine and that going to see Jane had been a good idea: she’d given her some tips on how to cope better.
‘Has she referred you on to anyone?’ he asked.
‘No, Dad, because it’s not necessary.’ She smiled sweetly and kissed him goodbye, hurrying off before he could question her any more. Jane had indeed made her think. Tara was going through the biggest crisis of her life and hadn’t had time to actually give it any real thought. There were vague, random ideas but that was it and she saw that Jane was right: she needed to take a break. And, if that didn’t help, her doctor had assured her they would find another way to deal with her stress levels. Tara wished she was comforted by Jane’s words but she felt it would take a lot more than a pill or meditation to solve her problems. And this evening, despite her promises, she planned to numb the pain with a glass of wine with her friend.
Adam was getting out of his car when he noticed Zoe’s sunglasses on the floor of the passenger side. It was as good a reason as any to go and see her. He’d only dropped her at Tara’s a few hours ago but already he was wondering why he’d been so keen on getting her back to Dublin, when they could have stayed on in Spain for another few days and he’d have been able to enjoy her company. But he knew the answer. Shane had told Zoe only half the truth and Adam felt riddled with guilt for persuading him that he was right to protect his sister. He had meddled where he shouldn’t have and he wondered now if he had done more harm than good. For, though Shane had waved them off all smiles, the light had gone out of his eyes.
Tara was the one who opened the door, wearing an apron, a wooden spoon in her hand. ‘Oh, hi, again, Adam,’ she said, her voice dripping with sarcasm. ‘Zoe’s not here.’
He held out the glasses. ‘She left these in my car.’
‘Oh, right, thanks.’ She gave a sheepish smile and went to close the door.
He turned to go and then, on impulse, turned back. ‘Can I have a quick word, Tara?’
‘I’m in the middle of something, Adam.’
‘I can see that but it’s important. It’s about Shane.’
Tara, having reluctantly invited Adam in, was now perched on the edge of a kitchen chair, still holding the spoon. ‘What’s wrong?’
Adam paced in front of her, his heart racing. He would be breaking a confidence if he told her and he wasn’t sure that telling her would make any difference. But the truth was choking him and he couldn’t rid his mind of the look in Shane’s eyes. Still, it was hardly Tara’s problem, only Adam had always felt she’d cared. The fact that she’d admitted him the second he mentioned Shane’s name suggested that she still did.
‘Adam, what is it, for God’s sake? Tell me.’
So he did.
The clock in the hall chimed seven. Zoe would be here any minute and Tara hadn’t even thought about dinner. Since Adam had left, she’d scrubbed and polished and cleaned, replaying his horror story over and over in her head. It was obvious that he was completely besotted with Zoe and that was why he had made the mistake of thinking that she was the weak one in the Hall family. Tara didn’t say so to Adam – the guy was tormenting himself enough already – but she feared for Shane. How she wished he’d confided in her all those years ago. She wasn’t sure what Adam expected her to do now; perhaps he didn’t know himself. He’d just had to unburden himself to someone who was as close to Shane and Zoe as he was. Should Tara say something? Was it her place? In her heart she was sure that Zoe was stronger than Adam or Shane gave her credit for. Despite losing her parents, despite Ed, or maybe because of him, Zoe had doggedly followed her dreams and never given in to self-pity. Shane was the one who kept running away. And now, Tara could finally understand why.
She heard Zoe let herself in with her spare key and call out a cheery hello.
‘I’m in the kitchen.’
‘Where else would you be, Cinders?’ Zoe walked in, heading straight for the kettle. ‘I’m gasping for a cuppa.’
I’m afraid I haven’t had time to cook – I’ve been mad busy,’ Tara fibbed.
‘Good, because we’re having a takeaway, and it’s on me as a thank-you for doing such an ace job on the house.’
‘Are you happy with it?’ Tara asked, distracted. ‘Greg wanted me to call and ask you about colour schemes but I didn’t think either you or Shane would be in the mood for talking decor.’
‘You were right and your taste is much better than ours. I can’t believe the difference. That rich yellow makes the kitchen so much warmer and brighter.’
‘It is nice, isn’t it?’ Tara said, pleased with Zoe’s reaction.
‘Was it difficult for you, working with Greg, I mean?’ Zoe asked as she dunked a tea bag in a mug of boiled water.
‘I didn’t really work with him. I hardly even had to talk to him. Texting is the most wonderful invention.’
Zoe went to the fridge for milk. ‘It’s a bit sad, though. We don’t talk enough to people any more. Then there are all sorts of misinterpretations and misunderstandings and we all get paranoid. Life might be easier because of technology but it has its pitfalls.’ She slopped milk into the mug, some splashing on the worktop, and then came to sit at the table.
‘I suppose,’ Tara said, her eyes riveted on the wet counter and milk carton.
‘I have some good news, though.’
‘Oh?’ Tara dragged her eyes away from the mess and tried to focus on her friend’s face.
‘I’ve been asked to play the lead in Dirty Dancing in the West End.’
‘That’s great.’ Tara sat on her hands.
‘Oh, for God’s sake, Tara! I’m kidding!’ Zoe laughed. ‘Go and clean the bloody worktop before you spontaneously combust. And then you can tell me what the doctor said.’
Tara looked at her. ‘Dad told you?’
‘He’s worried about you. We both are.’
Tara replaced the cap on the milk, put it back in the fridge and cleaned up the mess. ‘Well, smart-arse, for your information, my doctor thinks I’m perfectly normal.’ She flung the cloth in the sink and came to sit down.
Zoe smiled but her eyes were concerned. ‘I’ve never doubted it.’
‘Dad does. He thinks that I’m partly responsible for Greg’s depression, and telling me I should forgive him doesn’t help.’
‘He’s a man. He has an innate need to solve your problems and an inability to recognise or deal with grey areas. But he means well and he loves you.’
‘I know,’ Tara said grudgingly.
Zoe’s smile faded. ‘Have you decided to make the separation official?’
That sounded so final, Tara’s anxiety level cranked up a notch. She stood up and took a bottle of wine from the fridge. ‘Want one?’
Zoe shook her head.
‘Don’t look at me like that,’ Tara said, pouring a large glass for herself.
‘Should I close my eyes?’
‘Sorry, Zo. It’s been quite a day.’ If only she knew, Tara thought. ‘But to answer your question, I haven’t decided anything. That’s the problem. I can’t seem to think straight. The doctor suggested that I take a holiday.’
‘Sounds like a great idea.’
‘She was lovely. She made me feel a lot better but scared the hell out of me too.’
‘How?’
Tara took a gulp of wine. ‘I said I didn’t have time for a holiday and she asked me did I have time for a breakdown.’
‘Wow.’ Zoe’s eyes widened. ‘Heavy!’
‘Yeah. It certainly shocked me. And the thing is . . .’ she looked up at Zoe, feeling close to tears. ‘I’m afraid that she’s right.’
‘Oh, Tara.’ Zoe reached for her hand. ‘I hate seeing you like this. I wish there was something I could do or say to make it all go away. But, come on, accepting that there’s a problem and considering how you’re going to handle it, that’s a huge step forward. Take a break. Concentrate on what you want for you and for your future. Not what your Dad wants or what Greg wants, just what you want.’
Tara sighed. ‘I think it would take a bloody long holiday for me to figure out all that. I’ll lose business if I feck off for too long.’
‘Then don’t admit to fecking off. Divert your phone to mine and, if there are any queries in your absence, I’ll say you’re booked solid. That will make them want you even more!’
Tara laughed. ‘God, you’re devious. What a great idea.’
Zoe grinned. ‘Where will you go?’
‘No idea, somewhere cheap. I haven’t the cash for anything fancy.’
‘I was about to suggest visiting your mother again, but I suppose that wouldn’t help.’
‘No, that would most definitely result in a breakdown,’ Tara assured her with a rueful smile.
‘I have a confession to make,’ Zoe said. ‘I used to get cross with you for not making more of an effort to keep in touch with her. I thought that, if my mother was still alive, I’d probably talk to her daily and see her every chance I could.’
Tara felt a pang of guilt. ‘I suppose I should try harder.’
‘I said I used to think that way,’ Zoe said. ‘But I’ve realised that someone doesn’t have to be physically gone to be absent from your life. It’s up to Vivienne as much as you to keep in touch and I know that she doesn’t make much of an effort to do that.’
‘That’s rather profound.’ Tara studied her friend’s face. ‘What or who brought you to this conclusion?’
‘Celia O’Sullivan,’ Zoe said, and proceeded to tell her the actress’s sorry tale.
‘The poor woman. Her son sounds deranged,’ Tara said, thinking that Greg’s behaviour seemed positively tame in comparison to Albie O’Sullivan’s.
‘I think so. Hopefully, he’ll be locked up for a while and Celia will be able to feel safe. I just hope she doesn’t retreat into herself. She can be a dreadful snob and will hate the fact that people will know her business.’
‘I’d say everyone will know soon enough. It’s sure to make the papers.’
Zoe sighed. ‘Sometimes life sucks.’
Tara took a sip of her wine. ‘By the way, Adam was here earlier. He dropped off your sunglasses.’
‘Oh, great. I was afraid I’d left them in Spain.’
‘Tell me how Shane’s doing.’
‘I wish I knew. He’s better than he was but’ – Zoe shook her head – ‘something’s still not right. You wouldn’t believe the things he’s kept locked up inside. Apparently, Dad used to hit Mam and the worst part is that Shane knew about it, heard it.’ Zoe shivered.
Tara wished she was the actress. Thanks to Adam, she knew all this – knew more than Zoe did – but she did her best to appear shocked. ‘That’s dreadful. You didn’t suspect anything?’
‘Not a thing. Well, I was only seven when they died and Dad always behaved when I was around. And because I adored him, Shane couldn’t bring himself to shatter my illusions. The night of the crash, Dad and Mam were having a row and Shane tried to help but, as a result, Dad lost control of the car. He blames himself for their deaths. Not that he cares about Dad dying. In his mind, I think life would have been just perfect if Dad had died and left the rest of us in peace.’
‘Christ!’ This was news to Tara. It appeared that even Adam didn’t know the full story. Did Shane even know, she wondered?
‘He never told me what happened because he was afraid I’d hate him, wouldn’t be able to forgive him. Can you imagine that? So he kept quiet all these years. And then he was in that car crash with Rachel.’
‘And it brought it all back?’ Tara asked. She hadn’t needed Adam to tell her that. It was what both she and Zoe had suspected and the reason that her friend had jumped on a plane.
‘Yes. There were some details he’d forgotten and, also, I think, he started to grieve for Mam all over again. He knew that he wouldn’t be able to hide it from me so he ran away. He wrote a play about the whole thing.’
‘What? You’re kidding? That doesn’t sound very healthy to me.’ Tara congratulated herself for sounding appalled but that had been her reaction when Adam told her Shane’s initial plan.
‘I don’t think he planned to ever show it to anyone. It was just that when he arrived in Spain he felt compelled to write it all down. That alone seemed to help. He panicked when I arrived and told him that Rachel had come to see me. I kept pressing him to talk about what had upset him and, finally, he gave me the play to read.’
‘That must have been hard.’ Tara searched Zoe’s face but, though she looked sad, she wasn’t falling apart, not at all; her instincts had been right.
‘It was awful. Poor Mam, she had such a dreadful life. I hate what Dad did to her but I just keep thinking about this young helpless boy witnessing it all. Is it any wonder he has moods? I want him to get counselling but he won’t hear of it.’
‘Perhaps telling you was all the therapy he needed. It must have been a huge relief after all this time, especially given that you didn’t reject him as he expected.’
‘Yes,’ Zoe said, though she looked doubtful.
‘You don’t think he’s told you everything, do you?
Zoe’s eyes met hers. ‘Is it that obvious?’
‘Just to me, I’m sure. You’re my best friend, Zo. What’s bothering you?’
‘I can’t put my finger on it. He is better now than when I arrived.’
‘But?’
‘The last scene in the play is missing, the scene about the crash. At least, I assume that’s what it’s about. I asked him to tell me about it but he got really agitated. Finally, he said that he just couldn’t bring himself to talk about it but that he would write it down and let me read it.’
‘But he didn’t?’
‘Not yet. Adam thought that it would be better if we came home and left him to do it in peace but I’m not convinced. I hated leaving him, not knowing.’
Tara took a deep breath before asking the question that she’d been asking herself since Adam had left. ‘Do you think that he might harm himself, Zoe?’
Zoe was silent for a moment and then shook her head. ‘No, no, I don’t. He might have before we talked but not now. I’m just not sure that he will write it all down and I don’t think he will ever fully heal if he doesn’t.’
‘I’m inclined to agree.’ Tara thought about the idea she’d been hatching while they’d been talking; it made sense. She could help, she knew she could. ‘This holiday I’m supposed to be taking—’
‘You are taking.’ Zoe eye-balled her.
‘I am taking,’ Tara conceded. ‘I could go to visit Shane.’ She watched a range of emotions cross Zoe’s face. ‘You think it’s a bad idea.’
Zoe sighed. ‘I honestly don’t know. He’d love to see you, but I’m not sure being around him would be good for you. His moods are erratic, understandably. Having said that, if you tell him that you don’t feel like talking, he will shut up and take no offence. But what worries me most is that because you’re both fragile you would become emotionally involved and that could lead to someone getting hurt. I’d hate that for either of you. You’ve both been through enough already.’
Tara was about to deny the possibility but she knew that would be a lie. Why, on the basis of Adam’s visit, was she ready to hop on a plane to try to help an ex-boyfriend? Did she really want to go out there for his sake or was it because she was in need of his special brand of flattery and seduction to make her feel like an attractive, desirable woman again? Or, worse, did she still love him?
‘It’s your decision but, if you decide to go ahead with it, please make sure that you’re doing it for the right reasons. The doc suggested a holiday because you need a break. I’m not sure going to see a man as troubled as my brother is what she had in mind.’
‘But—’
‘I’m not saying another word, Tara. It’s up to you. Please just think about it long and hard first, okay?’
‘Okay.’ Tara nodded slowly, understanding and respecting Zoe’s concerns. But she was sure that she could help Shane, and that would help Zoe too.
‘Now.’ Zoe rubbed her hands together. ‘Let’s order some food. Apart from a chocolate brownie your dad bought me, I haven’t eaten all day – oh, damn, he left his phone behind and I meant to return it before I came over.’
‘Knowing Dad, he won’t even have missed it,’ Tara said, and then caught Zoe looking longingly at a cheesecake on top of the fridge. ‘I love you dearly but touch that and I will kill you.’
Zoe laughed. ‘As if I’d dare! I’ll drop the phone over to him in the morning and then I’m free for most of the day if you need any help.’
Tara went to rummage in a drawer for menus. ‘Thanks, but I just have to deliver this lot, go to the wholesaler’s and I’m done.’
‘In that case, I will spend the day putting the house in order. Although, I have to say, it was a clean job. I must call Greg and thank him.’
Tara ignored that. ‘I fancy Thai. You’re welcome to stay here if you want, until Shane comes home. I know you don’t like staying there alone.’
‘Thanks, but I’m tired of living out of a suitcase. And, well, I might not always be alone.’
Tara noted the sparkle in Zoe’s eyes. ‘Robbie?’
‘Yeah.’
Tara smiled as Zoe actually blushed.
‘I’m delighted for you.’ And Tara truly was, but she couldn’t help feeling a pang of envy. ‘Not moving back in with him?’
‘I certainly am not. That was only because of the flood, remember? This time I plan to take things nice and slow. You know, I’ve almost forgotten what it’s like to date.’
‘Yeah, well, don’t take it too slowly – you’re not getting any younger,’ Tara quipped.
‘Thanks a lot!’
They agreed on dinner and Tara phoned the order in. ‘I’m glad that everything has worked out, Zo. From what Dad says, this play of yours could be a big hit. How come you never told me?’
‘Robbie wanted us to keep it quiet for some reason. I never really understood why. Lord knows when it will open now Celia’s in hospital.’
‘Does she have a big part?’
‘Not really but we couldn’t replace her – that would be wrong.’ Zoe frowned. ‘I hope Robbie agrees or this could be the shortest reconciliation in history.’
‘You couldn’t bear the woman to begin with and now you’re bosom buddies,’ Tara said, laughing.
‘I didn’t know her or anything about her life before. With her cat gone, acting is all that she’s got left. How sad is that?’
‘I may end up the same and I don’t even own a cat.’ Tara felt the familiar feeling of panic wash over her. ‘I have to take that holiday, don’t I?’
Zoe’s hand closed over hers. ‘You have to do whatever is necessary to make you feel better.’
As they ate and drank, Tara noticed Zoe’s eyes grow heavy. ‘Bedtime but, can I ask you something first?’
Her friend gave a sleepy smile. ‘Go on then.’
‘If Ed and Robbie were here now, both saying they loved you, who would you want?’
‘Robbie,’ Zoe said without hesitation. ‘When Ed turned up on my doorstep, I realised I felt nothing for him any more. I’m glad he came to see me or I might have always wondered.’
‘I’m sorry,’ Tara said.
Zoe raised herself up on her elbow to look at her friend. ‘For?’
‘Not telling you about what Ed was getting up to behind your back. I should have. You would have stayed here, become a huge success and found someone worthy of you.’
Zoe shook her head, smiling. ‘No more apologies. I’m happy now – that’s what is important. And, although I’ll be disappointed if Isabella isn’t the hit your dad and Robbie think it will be, I won’t be shattered. The fact that the two of them have shown such faith in my acting has given such a boost to my confidence. I’m not going to give up. At least, not yet.’
Tara smiled. Zoe’s words reinforced her belief that she was strong enough to handle anything that Shane had to tell her.
‘Same question to you. If Greg and Shane were here, who would you want?’
Tara had fallen in love with Shane Hall six years ago but he’d upped and left one day, ostensibly to write, though she’d known it was to get away from her. And then Greg had come into her life. His age, steady job and sheer size made her feel safe. But not any more. Though Shane might be moody and undependable, he would never hurt her. It wasn’t the greatest choice. ‘I don’t know,’ she admitted, choking back tears. ‘Maybe I’m destined to be alone.’
Zoe sat up and pulled her into a warm hug. ‘Hey, don’t cry! Everything will work out. You’re just tired and can’t see straight. Once you’ve had a break, you’ll be fine, I know you will.’
Tara said nothing. She couldn’t begin to see a way out of her problems. But maybe, just maybe, she could help Zoe and Shane with theirs.