I must have been nine the first time I realised that Dad abused Mam. She had taken his new car to go shopping and reversed into a fence. He probably wouldn’t have even noticed if she hadn’t owned up. There was only a tiny scratch on the bumper. He didn’t say anything, just grabbed her wrist and dragged her upstairs to the bedroom and closed the door. It was odd but I wasn’t worried because there was no shouting or anything so I just got on with my homework. But when Mam came back down, her lip was bleeding and she was very quiet. She said she’d fallen getting out of the shower and banged her mouth on the sink. I don’t know why, but I didn’t believe her. Dad had gone straight into the sitting room and watched the news, as he did every day, and then we had tea as usual so I put it out of my mind.
The next time must have been a couple of months later. Dad had gone out for a few drinks after work and hadn’t told Mam and she was furious because she’d made his dinner. She gave out hell to him when he came home and stormed off to bed. Dad poured himself a whiskey, drank it down in one, winked at me and followed Mam upstairs. You were already in bed, Zo, and I sat there, listening to the bedsprings squeaking above my head. I was mortified. I knew feck all about sex, then except what the lads talked about in the playground. But it sounded awful. I could hear him grunting and her muffled moans. As I got older I noticed that while Dad would usually be in great form after these sessions, Mam was miserable. I thought maybe she was embarrassed that I might have heard so I started to go to bed early to spare her blushes. I was twelve when Mr Murray, our religion teacher, gave us the sex talk. It took all of about fifteen minutes – he couldn’t get finished fast enough. It was far from educational but he said something that really made me stop and think. He said that intercourse should be a part of a loving and respectful relationship and a man should never force himself on a woman. And I realised then, that’s exactly what Dad was doing and I hated him for it.
Mam was always happiest when Dad wasn’t around or we were doing something as a family and he had to behave himself. But there was no protection for her at night and there was little I could do to help. I usually knew when she was in trouble, maybe even before she did – it’s funny how quickly you grow up when you have to. But I’d see him watching her over the newspaper or rubbing up against her while she stood making dinner. She’d laugh this false, high-pitched, nervous laugh, and push him away, telling him to behave. Sometimes he’d tell a rude joke and she’d be cross but he’d wink at you and get you in on the act. ‘Let’s find Mammy’s tickles,’ he’d say. Do you remember, Zo? Except his tickling involved groping her breast or slipping his hand up under her dress. I always had to leave the room. Squeaky-springs were bad enough, but when he involved you in his harassment, it made me sick, especially as I saw how much he got off on that. I started worrying then that, as she got older, perhaps he would start to look at you as a replacement. I knew that if he did, I would kill him. I did my best never to leave you alone together and, from what you’ve told me, I don’t think you were ever exposed to his disgusting side. God, I hope I’m right. I never had the guts to ask you.
Anyway, the tickling sessions were always followed by squeaky-springs and I’d sit listening, powerless. I don’t know why Mam tolerated it. Maybe she felt she’d no choice.
I was finding it harder and harder to be around Dad and remain civil. But one evening after you were in bed and Mam was visiting a neighbour, all hell broke loose. It started well enough – we’d settled down to watch a movie. It was a whodunnit and I was quite enjoying it until it got very sexually explicit and a woman was raped. I didn’t know where to look. If Mam had been there she’d have changed the channel but Dad nudged and teased me, saying wasn’t she a fine bit of stuff. ‘Don’t worry,’ he said, ‘it won’t be long before you get your turn.’
I couldn’t help myself. ‘ Turn to rape?’ I said.
‘No, of course not, but it’s only natural for a man to want a woman and you’re a man now, or near enough.’
‘But the woman has to want the man too.’ I looked him straight in the eye – though, to be honest, my heart was in my mouth. ‘If she says no, it means no. That’s what my teacher says.’
And do you know what, Zo? He laughed, and said, ‘Don’t mind that – they say no because they don’t want to be seen as easy. But they don’t mean it. They want it as much as the lads do.’
That was the night I started dreaming up ways of killing him.
The day of the accident started out as quite a good one. I’d got an A in a maths test and Dad was proud as punch. You were at a party so he took me and Mam out for dinner and a movie. Even Mam was on good form and drank some wine, but I knew by the way that he was looking at her how his mind was working. When we got to the cinema I sat between the two of them. I was delighted with myself, especially when I saw the furious look on Dad’s face. Mam squeezed my hand in the darkness, the closest she ever came to acknowledging what was going on. It was a Bond movie and I was really enjoying it, but all the cola I’d had with dinner forced me to go out to the loo and, when I came back, Dad had moved in beside her. I waited for him to move but he blanked me and I was forced to take the outside seat. I couldn’t concentrate on the rest of the movie. Every time I looked over, he was groping her and she was squirming in her seat, trying to get as far away from him as possible. But I knew her reluctance and fear were turning him on even more and she’d be in for it later. As we left the cinema, Dad chatted away about the movie, not seeming to notice or care that we barely opened our mouths.
I begged Mam to let me sit in the front, a treat as I had done so well in my test, and she agreed. I still remember the gratitude in her eyes. But Dad was having none of it and told me to get in the back. I knew better than to argue when he had that look in his eye. But I leaned over between the two seats and chatted away about the movie. Mam sat with her back to the door so that she could look at me, but I knew that it was so that he couldn’t touch her. It was clear he was disgusted.
He stopped at traffic lights and pulled her closer, saying she wouldn’t be playing so hard to get if it was Pierce Brosnan behind the wheel. She pushed him away, telling him to behave himself in front of me. The lights changed and he drove on, sneering at her. He said she was thick if she thought that her saintly son was any different from other men. He said the only reason I suffered her hugs was so that I could rub up against her. She went mad, screaming that he was a disgusting excuse of a man, no better than an animal. Without taking his eyes off the road, Dad punched her straight in the mouth. I couldn’t believe it. I lashed out and whacked him across the head, again and again, not thinking of the consequences. He took his hands off the wheel and turned, trying to fend me off and lost control of the car. Then there were screams and shouts and crying and horns and brakes and then . . . then there was silence.
But that’s not when I passed out, Zoe. I thought it was but when I saw Rachel I remembered what happened next. Because of where I was sitting I had no seat belt on and I went straight through the windscreen. The undergrowth we’d crashed into saved me. I was spread across the bonnet but conscious and I looked up, straight into Mam’s lovely face, covered in blood. She was staring straight at me but not seeing me. She was gone. And then I heard a groan and looked across to see Dad trying to push a lump of wood off his neck. It must have been a bit of the fence we crashed into. He met my eyes and pointed at it, asking with his eyes for help. I could pretend, Zo, that I was dazed, injured or in shock, but the truth was I knew exactly what I was doing. I smiled at him and closed my eyes and waited. By the time help arrived it was too late for him and I was glad. I’m still glad, Zoe. He deserved to die. You asked me why I got upset at the funeral. I couldn’t bear the thought of them putting his coffin in with hers. It was like he was laughing at us even in death, like she would never be able to escape him.
So, as I told you, I’m the reason you’re an orphan. I’m sorry for taking Mam away from you, Zoe, but not him. I know how much you loved him but, truly, you were better off growing up without him, especially without Mam to protect you. I only wish I’d had the courage to kill him before he destroyed our family.
I can’t live with what I did to her and to you but what I did then and now was because I loved you both. Please forgive me and forget me, Zoe. Start a new life with Robbie and be happy.
S.
The phone slipped from Zoe’s hand and she fell back on the sofa, reeling in shock. She didn’t even realise that she was wailing until she felt Robbie’s arms wrap around her. He sat down and, pulling her onto his lap, rocked her like a baby, asking her over and over what was wrong. Eventually, she pointed to the phone and sobbed, her head pressed against his chest as he read Shane’s note.
‘Christ, Zoe, we had better get over there!’
‘Tara phoned me. He didn’t go through with it.’
‘Thank God.’
She straightened up and looked into his eyes. ‘This time.’
Shane had been up since six, drinking coffee and chain-smoking. The evening before, he had let Tara read the note and been moved beyond words when she embraced him and kissed his tears away. She had held him all night as if afraid that if she didn’t he would go back outside and finish the job he’d started. But there was no chance of that. He relished that time in her arms and would store it away to remember the next time the darkness threatened. But when he woke, his thoughts were of Zoe. She’d have read the email immediately, he had no doubt of that. He couldn’t begin to gauge how she’d react and the closer he came to facing her the more nervous he became.
It had just gone eight when he heard her key in the door. Shane sprang to his feet, and looked at Tara, resisting the urge to light another cigarette.
‘It will be fine.’ Tara squeezed his arm and went out into the hall ahead of him and embraced Zoe. ‘I’ll let you two talk,’ she said and disappeared upstairs.
Zoe came closer and Shane looked into her eyes, searching for condemnation, but saw only sadness. She opened her arms and he swept her into a tight hug, relief washing over him. ‘You don’t hate me?’ he asked.
‘For not helping Dad? No, I’d probably have done the same. But for what you were going to do last night—’ She pulled away and looked up at him, her face full of reproach. ‘I don’t think that I could ever forgive you if you did that. Thank God Tara came by and stopped you; but how do I know that you won’t try again?’
‘Tara didn’t stop me, Zoe. I sat staring at those tablets and realised that, if I took them, it wouldn’t change what I’d done and it wouldn’t bring Mam back and’ – he looked at her – ‘it might hurt you.’
‘Might?’ She looked at him, her eyes incredulous then furious. ‘Might?’
‘Well, you have Robbie now and you are going to be a star.’ he smiled nervously. ‘You don’t need me.’
‘Shane, I was seven when they died, just seven!’ Zoe collapsed into a chair.
His stomach churned. ‘I know, I’m sorry.’
‘Since they died you’ve been the closest thing to a parent I’ve had. You were the one I went to with my problems, not Gerry, not Hannah, you. Even when you hated me when I went to England, I still wanted you to give me away at my wedding. I told you nothing would ever come between us and I meant it. So don’t you dare say I don’t need you any more, don’t you dare!’
‘Sorry,’ he said again, surprised by her anger.
‘Do I seem messed up to you, Shane?’
‘No, not at all,’ he protested. ‘You’re amazing. It doesn’t seem to matter what life throws at you, you keep smiling and laughing and trying. I admire you, Zo, you’ve got guts.’
‘And why do you think that is?’ she asked.
He shrugged. ‘It’s the way you are.’
‘Maybe, but I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that you have been there every step of the way – apart from when I was with Ed – and, no matter what I did, I knew you always would be.’ Her expression darkened. ‘Until last night.’
‘But I didn’t go through with it, Zo,’ he repeated, at a loss what he could say to calm her.
‘Not this time,’ she said, and he saw her eyes fill with tears.
So that was it. She was scared he would try it again. Poor Zo, he had to make her understand. ‘Why would I do it now? You know the truth now and you forgive me and still love me. I’m happy.’
‘What about Tara?’
He frowned. ‘What about her?’
‘You love her, don’t you?’
‘Yes,’ he admitted. ‘And I let her read the note and explained that’s why I had to leave her.’
She frowned. ‘You’ve lost me.’
He sighed. He’d forgotten he hadn’t told her that part. ‘When Tara and I began to get close, I got it into my head that I might turn out to be like Dad. I was terrified of hurting her so I panicked and ran.’
‘Aw, Shane, you wouldn’t hurt a hair on her head – or anyone else’s.’ Zoe reached for his hand, tears welling again. ‘It breaks my heart that you lost Tara because of Dad.’
‘Maybe it’s not too late,’ he said, thinking of how close he felt to Tara right now. Zoe looked concerned again and he sighed. ‘What? It could happen.’
‘And what if she goes back to Greg? Will you run away again or will you kill yourself?’
He flinched at the baldness of her words and her anguished expression.
‘If Tara goes back to Greg, I’ll just have to accept it, but I’ll be at the end of a phone if she needs me. If she doesn’t and falls in love with some other guy, I’ll wish her well. I’ve cared about Tara far too long to want anything but her happiness.’
‘So, what now?’
‘Now,’ he said, smiling, ‘I’m going to start living, really living. I think I might travel.’ He held up his hand when he saw the suspicion in her eyes. ‘No, I’m not running away to some far-flung place to drown my sorrows every day. But I like the idea of taking trips to places that would inspire me. But I’ll always come home, Zo.’ He took her hands and looked her straight in the eye. ‘I discovered something last night. Despite everything that’s happened, I love life.’
When Robbie arrived, Zoe ran to open the door and threw herself into his arms.
‘Are you okay?’ he asked, searching her tear-stained face.
‘Yes.’ She smiled but her voice was shaking. ‘I think everything’s going to be fine.’
Robbie hoped she wasn’t building herself up for a fall. When Zoe left him alone with her brother to go up and talk to Tara, he closed the door. ‘Are you really okay, Shane, or is this all an act? Forgive me for being blunt but I care very deeply for Zoe and you scared the shit out of her last night. She loves you and would have been devastated if you’d gone through with it.’
‘I know that now, Robbie. I thought I was protecting her all these years but I was just hiding from the truth and hurting both of us in the process. Now’ – he shook his head in wonder – ‘I feel free. And so incredibly lucky.’
Robbie looked at the undoubted happiness in Shane’s eyes and believed him. ‘I’m relieved to hear it because your sister would never recover from that.’
Shane closed his eyes and nodded. ‘I know that now but, honestly, before I talked to her, I’d made up my mind it wasn’t the answer. And now that we’ve made our peace, I couldn’t be happier.’ He opened his eyes and gave Robbie a pleading look. ‘Now, can we please stop talking about it? It’s embarassing. Tell me, how has the play been received?’
‘I’ve no idea,’ Robbie admitted, startled. He and Zoe had been so preoccupied with Shane’s note they had forgotten all about Isabella. It was odd that no one had been in touch. Not a good sign. He pulled out his phone and grinned when he saw that there were lots of messages and texts. ‘It looks like there is plenty of news but I had my phone on mute. Want to call your sister?’
Zoe raced down the stairs, Tara hot on her heels, and searched Robbie’s face with anxious eyes. ‘Well?’
‘I don’t know,’ Robbie told her. ‘I’ve lots of messages on my phone but I haven’t checked any yet. Didn’t anyone call you?’
Zoe went to her bag for her phone. ‘It’s dead. With all the fuss’ – she glanced at Shane – ‘I forgot to charge it.’
Robbie scrolled through the names of people who had contacted him. ‘I think I’ll call Lauren. She’s left three messages so she’s probably tearing her hair out. She will have checked all the papers and will give it to me straight.’
‘Okay, go for it.’ Zoe stood in front of him, rocking on her heels and biting her lip. Shane came to put his arm around her.
‘It will be fine, you were great,’ he assured her, but Zoe’s eyes remained riveted on Robbie.
‘Lauren, hey, sorry I missed you. The phone was on mute.’ He listened for a moment. ‘Oh, okay. Interesting.’
‘Interesting?’ Zoe muttered. ‘What does that mean?’
‘Yeah, I’m sure between us we can manage that. Will you contact Terence and Celia? Great. Thanks, Lauren, see you later.’
‘Well?’ Zoe said, her nerves in shreds.
Robbie couldn’t help but drag out the moment. God, he was crazy about this woman and felt so proud of her. ‘It’s a hit, sweetheart, a big hit, and you, my darling, are a star.’
She stared at him in shock as he went on to tell her all the people who had been in touch looking for interviews and inviting them onto chat shows.
‘They mainly want to grill you and Terence to see if there’s anything going on.’
‘If we’re going on any show then Celia is too or they can feck off,’ she retorted.
He pulled her into his arms and kissed her. ‘Congratulations, sweetheart.’
‘Well done, sis. Come here.’ Shane swung her round in his arms and shook Robbie’s hand.
Tara then hugged her, smiling. ‘It’s no surprise. It was an amazing play and you were wonderful.’
After a lazy breakfast, Zoe and Robbie left the house to go and meet up with Lauren to hear what the plans were for the rest of the day. Before they got into the car, Robbie pulled her into his arms. ‘Do you know something, Zoe Hall? I love you.’
She looked at him, stunned, and he wondered had he got it wrong, was he moving too fast. Damn, he should have kept his mouth shut. ‘It’s okay, you don’t have to say anything—’
She silenced him with her lips, a soft, sweet kiss, and pulled back to smile up into his eyes. ‘I am over the moon that the play has been well received, Robbie, but I am even happier that my brother has finally unburdened himself, and thrilled to hear you say those three words. Will you say them again, please?’
He pulled her closer, in awe at the love in her eyes. ‘I love you, Zoe Hall.’
She smiled. ‘And I love you, Robbie Prendergast.’
Both their phones started to ring but he held her gaze. ‘Feck them, they can wait,’ he said, before lowering his mouth to hers once more.