So there you have it. I don’t know about you, but I could use a hot bath and a cold shower. Some of the things mentioned here are not for the faint of heart or the self-conscious. However, everything in this book is for the adventurous and for couples who want more out of their intimate lives without having to venture outside their marriage. My hope for this little morsel of sexual goodness is that it helps get your creative juices going and maybe, just maybe, ignites a spark in your relationship that neither of you was aware even existed.
Monogamous relationships can be the pits—the same damn thing, day in and day out, year after year after year. Like the song says: Forever? Forever ever? Forever ever? Forever is, indeed, a mighty long time to be doing the same thing the same way in bed all the time. He heaves himself on top of you with that same stroke and you lie there like a wet fish—maybe even a dry one, after all this time—moaning, halfway faking the funk, looking up at the ceiling, just wanting it to be over so you can get back to Grey’s Anatomy or Hoarders. Ugh! Is this why the divorce rate is so high? It definitely has to be a major part of the equation.
So I wanted to put a little bit of something in this book for everyone. Even if you try just one thing, be proud—you have taken positive steps to invest in your marriage. The word fantasy evokes such horror and dread in the minds of those women and men who feel as if their partners’ fantasies couldn’t possibly include them. The natural assumption is that partners’ fantasies are about some celebrity, a porn star, or, worst of all, a prior love. This book is proof that it doesn’t have to be this way. I hope the chapters contained herein have hushed those evil voices in your head, the ones insisting that your partner needs or wants someone else to be and do all those things he imagines when he’s alone in the bathroom touching himself.
I hope this book has helped you. God knows it has helped me. “How?” you ask? Well, for starters, SatisFaction has helped me realize how much I don’t know about sex and how much of it lies in the mind and imagination. Everybody has their own thing that they’re into, their own idea about the definition of freaky and what exactly constitutes a turn-on. And although I knew it already, I’ve learned on a much deeper level that while a thrilling sex life is a huge part of what keeps relationships together, it’s still just a piece of a much larger puzzle. I believe any long-lasting relationship is built on genuine friendship, and unconditional love and trust, even in the face of the greatest adversities, even against the widest of odds. Clear, concise, and honest communication rounds out the list. No matter what, you have to know how to talk to each other.
The most surprising discovery in all of this is that I’ve learned sex actually makes me uncomfortable. I’m not talking about intimacy, nor do I mean that I’m uncomfortable doing it within the confines and safety of my marriage. It was the talking about it, over and over and over again; that one was a toughie for me. I feel as if I’ve been sucked into some sort of sexual vortex where, for the rest of my life, I will be expected to talk to you people about sex. Obligated, even. Much as I love giving advice, I must admit, a lot of the things in this book make me genuinely blush. Frankly, I’m not sure how Dr. Ruth does it!
As I live and breathe, writing some of the things in this book makes me feel like a literary whore. That’s right, I said it. I am a woman expected to write about sex for money. I’m a hooker for hardbacks.
I hope you guys learned a lot and that this little book of mine has opened a series of discussions with your husbands, wives, and closest confidants. It was nearly impossible to put together, what with all the stopping for, ummm, intermittent sex breaks.
Now, this book, obviously, is not your mother’s erotic fantasy how-to. No. And it’s certainly not the sort of thing you bring to work or leave out on the coffee table for your children to happen upon! So please, do me a favor and keep this book safe from kids and bosses and those who would be mortified to know you would ever consider dressing up like a hooker and standing on street corners!
Thanks.
When my editor first suggested I write this book, I was mortified and, to be even more honest, I couldn’t write it. I stared at my computer screen for six months and—nothing! But, just for you, I dug deep, and then my lover dug deeper, and voilà! Pure SatisFaction!
This book is très hot, so I’m pretty sure you’ve enjoyed reading it as much as I’ve enjoyed being forced to do the research… to say nothing of all the testing of the theories within its pages. Yes, I made the sacrifice. You can thank me later. And don’t feel bad if you want to keep it to yourself for a while before sharing it with your spouse. There’s some pretty heady stuff in here. The sexual fantasies in this book make great fodder for a little one-on-one time, if you know what I mean.
Um, or so I’ve heard.
So maybe you’re like me. Maybe you were a little afraid before diving into SatisFaction, but warmed up to the idea after the first few pages of incorrigible sex talk. And maybe, like me, you’ve learned something about yourself in the process of feeding your sexual appetite. No matter what sort of sexual decisions you make, what’s most important is that all of them are safe. For those of you in long-term, committed relationships, it is equally important that your sexual decisions are never made alone, but with the assistance and input of your partner. The Oxford English Dictionary defines a fantasy as: “a fanciful mental image, typically one in which a person dwells at length or repeatedly and which reflects their conscious and unconscious wishes.” (Funny how similar that is to the definition of stalking, but I digress…) That definition says nothing about sneaking around, and it doesn’t relate fantasies to shame or secrecy. Somehow along the way, fantasies got a bad rap and became this clandestine thing, something you kept to yourself for fear of discovery or judgment. It doesn’t have to be like that. Share those unconscious wishes once they become conscious and make sure to include your partner. Invite your partner to share his or her own fantasies as well, and make this erotic exploration a part of your lives.
That’s not to say you are expected to go to the extremes in this book every day or every time you have sex. That’s way too much pressure for any relationship. (And, heaven forbid, what happens when you run through all the fantasies here? That leaves hundreds of days in the year that you have to come up with more. I can’t even imagine the possibilities that lie out there beyond the ones laid out in this book. I don’t want to imagine. I’ve already seen and heard too much.) Wanting to act out fantasies daily is an expectation that is unrealistic and unfair to your partner—heck, I’d go so far as to say that it’s downright cruel. Your partner may eventually begin to feel like some sort of performing monkey, always expected to perform the extraordinary on command. Fantasies should be seen as treats… they are that exquisite dessert, a towering Death by Chocolate—layered with chocolate cake, chocolate ice cream, chocolate chunks, chocolate mousse, a chocolate brownie, then topped with whipped cream, chocolate sauce, crunchy almonds, and crumbled Snickers bars—that the two of you savor together at the end of a special meal on a special night out. It’s decadent. It’s delicious. It’s out of the ordinary. You and your spouse couldn’t eat a Death by Chocolate after dinner every night. I mean, you could, but you’d be as big as a proverbial house. Your arteries would clog. Soon enough you’d get sick of them. And if you kept going, insisting on eating them night after night, eventually that decadent, once-delicious dish would kill you.
Death by Chocolate, indeed.
That’s not to say that too many fantasies will end you, but it might just put an end to your relationship. That’s a helluva lot of expectation for two people to manage on a regular basis. We need treats to appreciate the routine. Mixing it up means just that: mixing up the typical pattern of your relationship, adding a zesty splash of excitement and adventure. It doesn’t mean overkill. It shouldn’t foster resentment and a feeling of begrudged obligation. Fantasies are meant to be fun. To turn them into the routine nullifies their very meaning. Once a fantasy loses its luster and allure, all the fun goes right out the window, and that was the whole reason for doing it in the first place.
Keep it special. Make it unique. Space them out. And be sure that whenever your partner wants to share a fantasy that has been lying dormant and unexplored in his or her head, you are open to it. At the very least, listen without judgment, even if the very idea of it leaves you wigging out a little on the inside. Even if it makes you wig out a lot, get over it. Just listen to what your partner has to say. Even if the fantasy is way out there, keep in mind that you know this person. This is the person you love.
And you’ll also help ensure you won’t be judged when you let your own freaky needs out of the proverbial closet. And heaven (or hell) only knows what kind of freaky needs you may be harboring. You are reading this book, after all, which means you’ve already got some kind of freaky rivers running deep. Freak.
Well, what else can I say? Thank you for reading and good luck in all your sexual endeavors. Close your blinds and keep this book in a super-secret place. If your kids discover it and ask if it’s yours, act surprised, appalled even. Deny, deny, deny.
Just kidding. Pretend to be blind. Or make a big to-do and throw it in the trash. Dig it out later once they’ve gone to bed. And pick a better hiding place when you put it away again, ya big dummy. They shouldn’t have found it in the first place.
There. That oughta do it. For freaks, you guys are pretty awesome.
Happy to have helped.