I stood outside the door for at least another five minutes, trying to work out a speech in my head, something to say as I walked in. I wanted to tell Jasmine that she would never be my sister, that I’d never forgive her for taking my dad away, but it was starting to feel so much more confusing than that. It’s not as if it was her fault. It’s not as if any of this was her fault.
I glanced back over my shoulder. Kieran was still there. He was still watching me. I wanted to be brave for him, to prove to him I could do it. I took a breath and grasped the doorknob. Just because I turned up to the meeting didn’t mean I was welcoming Jasmine into my family. Dad might feel a bond with her, but she was still a stranger to me. I glanced back at Kieran one last time and then pushed the door open and walked in.
Vivian was sitting at the table by herself. I was so surprised I froze, worried that I’d got the wrong time, or misunderstood the whole arrangement.
“Hello, Maddie.” She looked up, smiling. “I’m so pleased you’re here. Come and sit down, it’s just the two of us at the moment.”
“Where’s Jasmine?” I said. “I thought we were meeting together?”
“So did I,” said Vivian, glancing up at the clock. “She said she was coming. Never mind. We’ll make a start without her…”
“But I thought she’d be here. I was working out what to say. I was so scared and now she hasn’t even bothered to turn up.”
“Yes, it was very brave of you to come, Maddie.”
I didn’t feel brave. I was so nervous about seeing Jasmine I could barely think straight. I went over and sat in my chair. Vivian held the pad out to me but I shook my head.
“It was Kieran who persuaded me to come,” I said. “I didn’t want him to think I was a coward.”
“Well there’s not much chance of that, is there?” said Vivian, laughing.
“What do you mean? I’m scared of everything. He used to call me Maddie Mouse and he was right. That’s what I’ve been like ever since my nan died – a frightened little mouse, too scared to face up to anything, too pathetic to get through the day without my purple ribbon!”
Vivian shook her head. She was about to say something but the door swung open and Jasmine walked in. She looked terrible. Her eyes were red and swollen and she was clutching a damp tissue in her hand.
“Hello, Jasmine,” said Vivian. “I’m so pleased you’re here.”
“I’m sorry I’m late,” she said. “I nearly bottled out, to be honest.” She walked over to the table and sat down opposite me. I still couldn’t get over how much she looked like Dad. Before Vivian could say anything, she went on, “I know you don’t really want to see me, Maddie, your dad told me, he told me how upset you’ve been, and I swear I’ll leave you alone after today, but there’s something I need to tell you first.”
I swallowed hard, my mouth dry. I didn’t want to hear what she had to say. I didn’t want to know how desperate she was. Why was Dad telling her stuff anyway?
She took a shaky breath, her eyes flickering across to Vivian and then back to me. “I never really wanted to meet my dad when I was growing up,” she started. “I know it sounds weird, but my mum didn’t talk about him much and we were happy. I did ask her about him a few times, especially as I got older, but it didn’t exactly bother me, it wasn’t like there was something missing, some big hole in my life. There was only one thing I wanted, one thing I couldn’t have…” she paused, her eyes locking with mine, “and that was a sister.”
She looked back down at her hands, shredding the tissue into tiny pieces. “I dreamed of having a sister, Maddie. I used to pretend sometimes. It sounds really lame, I know, but I had these two dolls, a big one and a little one, and I’d pretend one was me and one was my sister. I’d make up conversations about going shopping together and swapping clothes, stuff like that. Whenever Mum was working and I was at home by myself or with my childminder, I used to think how much more fun it would be if I had a sister. Someone to share things with…”
I thought about Gemma, how sad she was that her mum had lost the baby, how much she’d wanted a sister, how lucky I was to have Charlie.
Jasmine took another shaky breath, her eyes brimming with tears. She dabbed at them with her shredded tissue. “When my mum got ill she told me I was going to meet my dad and that he was going to help us. I flipped out, to tell you the truth. I didn’t want to meet him; I was terrified – he was a total stranger as far as I was concerned. But then the first time we spoke on the phone he told me about you and Charlie.”
She looked up at me, smiling through her tears.
“The minute I knew I had a sister I started to dream again. I couldn’t wait to meet you, Maddie. I didn’t want to mess up your family or anything; I just had this fantasy of what it would be like to have my own sister at last. I didn’t stop to think how it would be for you, how freaked out you might be…” She stopped, shaking her head. “Anyway, I’m going on and on and I haven’t given you a chance to say anything. But please don’t hate me, Maddie, please. I’m not trying to take your place, I could never do that; I just wanted us to be friends…”
She trailed off, watching me, waiting to see what I’d say. I could feel this huge pressure like a giant boulder pressing down on my chest, squeezing the air out of my lungs. I didn’t know what to do. I looked across the table at Vivian. Why didn’t she help me? Why didn’t she say something? The silence was so loud it was impossible to think, everything was so muddled up in my head. Jasmine was desperate to be my sister, but I didn’t know how to let her in.
We were still sitting there when her phone rang suddenly. “It’s the hospital,” she said, glancing at the screen. “I’ve got to go.” She stood up grabbing her bag. “I really hope you believe me, Maddie, I meant every word…” She gave me one last pleading look and then turned and raced out of the room.
Vivian and I carried on sitting there for a bit. She probably thought I was horrible. She probably thought I was the biggest cow in the world for not giving Jasmine a chance. My stomach clenched up. I felt like I’d failed some massive test. I just wanted to crawl away and hide somewhere where no one could find me.
“I know you must think I’m the worst person,” I said in the end. “Shall I just go now or what?”
“I wasn’t thinking that at all,” said Vivian. “I was actually thinking about something you said just before Jasmine came in. Something about how scared you are of everything. ‘Too scared to face up to anything. Too pathetic to get through the day without my purple ribbon.’ Do you remember?”
I nodded, wondering what she was getting at.
“You said you only came today because you didn’t want Kieran to think you were a coward, and I said there’s not much chance of that.”
“I know, but—”
“But the thing is, Maddie, I’m beginning to think you’ve invested this purple ribbon of yours with some kind of magic power.”
“You don’t understand,” I said. “You don’t know how frightened I am inside.”
She tapped the table with her hand as if I’d proved her point. “Yes of course you are, but being frightened isn’t the same as being a coward. The other day when I asked you who else knew about the girl in the cafe, you said, ‘only Kieran, oh and Gemma, she’s my best friend’ – not just your friend, Maddie, your best friend – and yet when you first came to the nurture group, you didn’t seem to be sure of your friendships at Church Vale at all. You said you didn’t have any close friends…”
“Yes, but—”
“And then there’s Kieran,” she went on, interrupting me. “You cared about him enough to go up to the hospital. You told me you hate hospitals, that they remind you of Charlie being ill, and your nan, and yet you were brave enough to show him how much he mattered even though he did everything he could to push you away. You did that, Maddie, not your ribbon.”
I shook my head, frowning. She was talking about me, but it didn’t sound like me.
“And what about these sessions? You’ve never missed a single one. You’ve never refused to come, or run out in the middle. You’ve turned up and shared some of your deepest fears. And do you know something, Maddie? I’ve never even seen your purple ribbon.”
My eyes filled with tears. I wanted to say it wasn’t me, that I hadn’t really done anything, that none of those things counted. But a tiny voice in my head was telling me that it was me, that they did count. I wasn’t sure how, but somehow I’d managed to do all those things without my ribbon.
Vivian smiled at me across the table. “You’re not a coward, Maddie. In fact, to tell you the truth, you’re one of the bravest people I know.”