“Sometimes it's our secrets that define us.” Britney Spears
Meesha looked down on Makena as the little girl nursed. She felt blessed to have such beautiful and precious children. Having a little girl was the icing on the cake and she was more than satisfied with the blessings God had chosen to bestow upon her and Carlton.
While Makena nursed, Meesha’s thought transitioned from the present to her sordid past and the secret she bore—the one nobody but her and God knew about. Most times she could suppress the memories because of her active life. The children, her husband, her role at the Academy, and her friends, left her little time to think about the horrific deed she’d done. However, today was one of those days when it reared its ugly head. It was raining outside, the clouds were overcast, and it must have given the enemy the opening it needed to occupy her mind by bringing to the forefront that terrible night.
She was fourteen years old when she met and fell in love with Terrell Barnes. She and her family lived in Memphis, Tennessee at the time. Terrell was a junior in college from Virginia Beach, attending the University of Memphis and majoring in computer science. Yes, he was much older and a relationship like there’s was forbidden. If her parents ever found out that she was seeing a boy in college, they would flip out. At that time Meesha didn’t care. She was willing to take the chance because she loved Terrell, and she believed he loved her too because he told her that he did.
Terrell was her first boyfriend. No one paid much attention to her at school. She had lots of friends, but boys didn’t seem to be attracted to her like they were attracted to her girlfriends. She didn’t reason that she was only fourteen years old and she had plenty of time for boys.
One of her best friends during that time was a girl named Catherine. Catherine had one older brother and one younger sister. Meesha and Catherine would spend the night at each other’s houses sometimes on the weekend.
Catherine’s brother threw a small house party in celebration of his recent college acceptance. Catherine invited Meesha over to spend the night. When Catherine’s parents went upstairs for the night, Meesha and Catherine changed their clothes and joined the party. Catherine’s brother couldn’t care less because he was too busy pushing up on his girlfriend who was now his wife.
Terrell approached Meesha that night and asked her for a dance. She felt all giddy inside as she looked back at Catherine. Terrell led her to the dance floor. He asked her all sorts of questions about herself and she gladly told him everything he wanted to know. He didn’t tell her much about himself, only that he was in college and where he was from. They spent practically the rest of the night dancing and talking. Later that evening, as the party began to wind down, he took her by the hand and led her outside to his car. She knew that she shouldn’t go with strangers, but Terrell was no stranger by this time, at least in her mind he wasn’t. He was a boy who seemed really nice and he liked her. They sat outside in his car and she experienced her first kiss. It was magical! All types of funny feelings rushed through her young body. She felt a warm glow inside.
“You’re beautiful, Sha. Can I call you that?” he asked as he pushed back a strand of her hair.
Meesha nodded, unable to get the word ‘yes’ out. She was mesmerized. The feelings going on inside of her were like none she’d ever felt.
“Okay, Sha it is. That’s my special name for you because you’re a special girl. I really like you. Do you like me?”
“Yea…yes,” she stuttered.
“I want to see you again. Can I have your phone number, and I’ll give you a call.”
That night was the beginning of her relationship with Terrell. Terrell didn’t care that she was fourteen years old. He said she was mature for her age, and soon Meesha had fallen in love.
They would sneak and see each other as much as they possibly could. It was good that Terrell had his own car because he and Meesha could arrange a place where he could pick her up without her parents or siblings knowing. There was only one person who knew about her and Terrell’s secret relationship and that was Catherine. Meesha could trust Catherine not to say a word to anyone because Catherine was secretly seeing Terrell’s friend and roommate named Cash. Sometimes when Meesha and Terrell hung out, Catherine and Cash would be somewhere doing their own thing, too. Terrell and Cash would occasionally sneak Meesha and Catherine into their dorm rooms.
“I love you, Sha,” he told her one evening, less than a month from the time they met. “I hope you feel the same way about me. Do you?” he asked as they sat parked in a secret secluded spot Terrell often took her to.
“Yes, I do,” Meesha confessed shyly. She loved Terrell more than anyone in the whole wide world.
“You’re going to be my wife one day.”
“For real, Terrell?”
“Yes, for real, baby. I want to show you how special you are, and I want you to do the same for me. You down with that?”
“Uh, sure. But what is it? How are we going to show each other?”
“You’ll see.” He started the car and drove off through downtown Memphis.
“Where are we going?” she asked as she cuddled next to him.
“It’s a surprise.”
He stopped at a liquor store and returned with a bottle of red wine.
“What’s that for?” Meesha asked. She had never had a drink of alcohol in her life. Her parents were liberal Christians who enjoyed a glass of wine sometimes, but they forbid the children to even taste a drop. Catherine’s parents would let her taste wine on holidays and even sometimes when it wasn’t a holiday, but Meesha’s parents were just the opposite.
“I told you. It’s a surprise.” Terrell flashed a smile at her, squeezed her thigh and leaned in and kissed her on the cheek. He continued driving until he drove into the parking lot of a small, dismal looking motel on Elvis Presley Boulevard. “I’ll be right back,” Terrell told her and went inside a door that had a sign over it that said “Motel Office.”
Minutes later, he returned, showed her a key, and smiled again.
“Terrell,” she said, smiling shyly. She trusted Terrell and had no worries.
He drove around the corner of the motel, parked and turned off the car. “Come on.” He got the bottle of wine while Meesha, without putting up any protest, eased out of the car after him on the same side.
He took hold of her hand with his free hand, and they walked up to the door. He inserted the key and led her inside.
Meesha gave up her virginity that night, believing that when she graduated from high school and Terrell was done with college, that they would get married and live happily ever after.
Things quickly turned sour when she told Terrell that she had missed two periods and that she might be pregnant. He was not happy at all. He showed a side that she had never seen before when he went into an uproar. They were downtown on Mud Island when she told him, parked in his car in a secluded section of the park that no one ever came to. It was where they always went when they wanted to be alone, and where they often engaged in sex.
“Who are you pregnant by?” he asked angrily as they stood in front of his midnight blue Chevy.
She couldn’t believe it. Was he really questioning that he was the father? “Terrell, you know that I have never been with any other guy. I love you.”
“You’re lying. I don’t even believe you were a virgin the first time we did it. I just didn’t say anything, but this proves it.”
“Terrell, please, don’t say things like that. You know you were my first. I would never do such a thing.”
Terrell wasn’t having it. He began pushing and shoving her. “It’s over between us! The best thing you can do if you are pregnant is to get an abortion,” he screamed that night. “I don’t want anything else to do with you. You’re trying to ruin my life by tying me down with a brat. No way!”
Meesha began crying and couldn’t stop. That only made Terrell angrier and he pushed her harder. He went out of control and began hitting and pounding on her. He knocked her to the ground and kicked her in her belly over and over again.
Seeing Terrell behave like this frightened her. She felt like she was about to pass out. Was he going to kill her? Somehow she had to stop him. She saw a brick lying next to her head. With a strength she didn’t know she had, she picked it up and hit Terrell with it as hard as she could on the side of his head, knocking him backwards.
He fell to his back and Meesha immediately got up off of the ground. When Terrell barely stood to his wobbly feet, he lunged at her again, mouthing a stream of obscenities and cuss words. With heavy tears gushing from her eyes, she pounded him with the brick again. He fell backwards and on the ground. She continued hitting him until his flailing hands stopped and his stiff body lay bloody on the ground, eyes swollen and closed.
Meesha, crying hysterically, didn’t know what to do. She looked around to see if there was anyone who could help her, but it was dark and they were out there all alone. Frightened and panicked, she threw the bloody brick into the Mississippi River. Next, still sobbing and hysterical, she ran to the car, reached inside the open passenger window, and grabbed hold of her purse before she took off running as fast as she could. She didn’t stop until she made it to a nearby restaurant downtown. She dashed inside their bathroom, hoping no one saw her. Inside the bathroom stall, she sobbed some more, and then she vomited until she gagged.
What had happened? How could Terrell be so mean and cruel? What had she done? How could she leave him out there all alone? Maybe someone would find him and take him to a hospital, or maybe he would wake up and drive himself to the hospital. She cried until she couldn’t cry any longer and then she set out on the long walk home.
The following day, Meesha heard nothing from Terrell. She wanted to return to their secret place so badly, but she didn’t have a way, and she wasn’t going to take that long walk again. There was no one she felt she could confide in, not even Catherine. She prayed to God that Terrell had woke up and returned to his dorm. After all, she couldn’t have hit him that hard. She told herself that she had knocked him out and he was probably at his dorm, still angry with her, but okay.
Two days after that horrible, terrifying night, Catherine asked Meesha about Terrell.
“Have you heard from Terrell?” Catherine asked as they walked down the school hallway toward the cafeteria.
“No, he said he was going home to visit his family and that he would call me if he got a chance, but he hasn’t yet. I’m sure he’ll call me though,” Meesha lied. She was surprised that she was able to come up with a lie so quickly. “Why? What’s up? Why are you asking about my man?” Meesha teased, trying to sound as normal as possible.
“Because Cash says he hasn’t seen or heard from him in a couple of days. He didn’t tell Cash that he was going home. Oh well, that’s on those two,” Catherine said, shrugged her shoulders, and the girls continued to the cafeteria.
When Meesha got home from school that afternoon, she saw her father standing with folded arms in front of the mounted television in the family room. “Hi, Daddy,” she said.
“Hi, sweetie. What a shame. I don’t know what this world or this city is coming to,” he said, shaking his head from side to side in disgust.
Meesha was about to go to her room when she heard the name “Terrell Barnes.” She walked slowly into the family room and stood next to her father and watched the news alongside him. That’s when she learned that her worst nightmare had come true—Terrell was dead and she had killed him. She rushed out of the room and into her bedroom, quickly closing the door behind her. She fell on the bed and sobbed uncontrollably. From the time she heard the devastating news, she cried. She cried before school, after school. She even cried at school in the girls’ bathroom stall. Catherine tried to console her but there was nothing she could do or say to make Meesha feel better.
No one knew of her and Terrell’s plans to meet up that night, not even Catherine and Cash, and that turned out to be lifesaving for Meesha. Had Catherine or Cash known about it, they would be treating her in an entirely different manner, and Meesha most likely would be behind bars.
Catherine told Meesha that the police had gone to the university and questioned some of Terrell’s friends, the professors, and anyone they thought might be able to tell them anything. Being his roommate, they questioned Cash to see what he knew, if anything, about Terrell. Thank God, Cash didn’t mention her name as being Terrell’s girlfriend. Meesha didn’t know if it was because the police didn’t ask or if Cash just didn’t give her name because he knew that he and Terrell had both been dating underage girls. Whatever the reason, Meesha was relieved.
The news stated that a couple walking in the area found Terrell’s lifeless body. Police determined that he was murdered in a mostly secluded area close to the muddy Mississippi shore. Meesha remained in shock that she was a murderer. Three days after she murdered the love of her life, her cycle started. She hadn’t been pregnant after all.
One week after finding Terrell’s body, police arrested and charged a vagrant with his murder. He had been caught shoplifting food out of a corner store. The store clerk detained him and called the police. When police searched the vagrant, they found Terrell’s wallet in the man’s pocket. He also had on the tennis shoes and socks Terrell had on that night. Terrell’s DNA was all over the man.
Still silently grieving, distraught, and scared out of her mind, Meesha felt somewhat relieved when her family, due to her father securing a better job, had to relocate to Florida three months later. To this day, only Meesha and God knew who was really responsible for Terrell’s death. No one could ever know what had happened that night, and she prayed daily that no one ever would. To this very day, her prayers had been answered. Was it God who answered her prayer or was the devil simply biding his time?
Meesha often replayed that ghastly night in her mind. Whenever she thought about the crime she’d committed in secret, she would beg God to forgive her and to be with the man who was serving time in jail for a crime that he had not committed. If that wasn’t enough to drive a person to drink or do drugs, then Meesha didn’t know what was. Instead, she turned to God and promised him that she would be the best Christian ever if only he would help her keep her secret.
She pushed the thoughts of that night out of her mind like she’d done for the past twenty-one years and continued to feed her sweet little Makena.