Snacks and dips are great foods to eat when your stomach isn’t ready for a full meal, and also when it is. They are also handy if you’re looking to eat way more calories than you’re supposed to.
Snacks are great for bribery, silencing children, buying temporary friends, and for eating on the go.
There’s nothing like a bowl of hot cheese sitting in your lap while driving down the highway with a large platter of pita bread in the driver’s seat. This can provide an exhilarating rush to the driving experience. Except for when the bowl tilts over and you end up scalding your lower middle crotatious region. That’s not fun. That’s the opposite of fun. That’s nuf.
Snacks are often used for breaking the ice with strangers as well. At a bus stop recently, I was having an awkward moment of silence with an older man. It was awkward because we had accidentally made eye contact, yet neither of us acknowledged the other’s presence. We didn’t really want to speak to each other, but now that we had made eye contact and didn’t say hello, we were actively ignoring each other. That’s no way to get on a bus.
Thinking quickly, I pulled out a bowl of sour cream and a package of bread sticks. I placed them on the sidewalk between us, then I looked straight ahead while monitoring the snacks in my periphery, to see whether or not he would accept my offer. I couldn’t tell if he was aware of the snacks because he was staring straight ahead. Tension was running high.
The bus pulled up and I quickly put the sour cream and bread sticks back inside my coat pocket. He sat near the front of the bus, and I walked to the second-to-last row. I didn’t want to sit in the last row in case he thought I was avoiding him, which I wasn’t. But once I sat down on the bus, we both felt far more at ease than we had at the stop. If I hadn’t had those snacks on me, we might have been in for a very uncomfortable bus ride.
He got off four stops before my stop, so I got off, too, and followed him, loudly rustling the bag of bread sticks as I walked, so that he knew the offer was still good. He must have realized he was late as he turned suddenly and sprinted down an alley.
You may be wondering, how do I know whether or not I should eat a snack or a meal? Good question. You simply add up the amount of food units you have eaten throughout the day, divide by the number of food units allotted for the remainder of the day, subtract the amount of minutes spent thinking about food, multiply by the amount of days over the next week that you will eat a snack, subtract 5x the amount of calories you burned above your expectations, and then make a decision based on whether or not you feel like it.
Another clever way to resolve this conundrum is to make a snack that appears to be a meal, or a meal that appears to be a snack. To make a snack that appears to be a meal, simply make the snack you would like, then arrange it in three or four sections on your plate, and use a fork to create different textures and shapes for each section. To make a meal that appears to be a snack, cook your meal, then mash all of the components into one single pile, and serve with a side of crackers. If you still can’t figure out which to make, consult the following chart for guidance.
THE BEAN DIP FORMERLY KNOWN AS GREGG'S
Once upon a time my friend Gregg showed me how to make bean dip. When I told him I made a video about it, he chastised me for using an old, inferior recipe, in comparison to his more recent, bloated, unnecessarily complicated recipe. I continued making his original recipe and then I modified it moderately to correct Gregg’s original cooking mistakes. I don’t know whose bean dip it is anymore. I can only hope it becomes yours. And I hope Gregg learns that he can’t improve his cooking by buying more expensive shirts. Some nights, they say, when it is very quiet, you can hear Gregg walking the streets, calling out for his original bean dip.
MAKES 1¾ CUPS
2 tablespoons olive oil
1 medium red onion, diced
2 garlic cloves, chopped
1 (15.5-ounce) can black beans, drained and rinsed
1 teaspoon brown sugar
2 tablespoons ground cumin
½ teaspoon fine sea salt
Juice of ½ lime
1 teaspoon hot sauce
Tortilla chips, for serving
1 
In a large skillet, heat the olive oil over medium heat until it shimmers like the sequins on a Human Cannonball costume from the 1970s. Add the onion and garlic and cook with a low-key sizzle, while wangjangling casually, for 5 minutes, or until soft. If the sizzle becomes high-key, back off the heat a bit.
2 Add the black beans, brown sugar, cumin, and salt and wangjangle thoroughly. Continue to cook, and as the beans soften, mash them with a fork to break them down. Cook without moving for about 2 minutes until the mixture dries out and the bottom starts to brown but not burn. Wangjangle and repeat once or twice more.
3 Add 1 cup water and mix again until the dip is soupy. Cook off the water until, in 10 to 15 minutes, the dip reaches your desired texture, then squeeze in the lime juice, add in the hot sauce, and stir to combine. Serve the dip hot or at room temperature along with tortilla chips.
EDDIE’S ROASTED RED PEPPER DIP
I was under enormous pressure to come up with a catchy title for this recipe. Book scientists have proven that the catchiness of a recipe title is directly proportionate to how much the reader enjoys reading the title. So I’m happy I smashed this one out of the park with this imaginary person named Eddie who I just made up. It makes me feel good inside. It makes me feel good outside, too. Feelings aren’t just for houses anymore.
MAKES 1½ CUPS
1 large red bell pepper, halved, cored, and seeded
1 garlic clove, roughly chopped
1 (8-ounce) package cream cheese, at room temperature
Fine sea salt
Tortilla chips, crackers, or raw veggies, for serving
1 Preheat the oven to 450°F.
2 Place the pepper halves directly on the oven rack skin side up and roast 20 to 30 minutes, until they wrinkle and start to blacken. Remove and let cool for just a few minutes.
3 In a food processor, combine the roasted pepper, garlic, and cream cheese and process for 2 to 3 minutes, until smooth. Taste and add salt as needed. I thought it was fine without additional salt, but someone else disagreed. We have yet to recover from this dispute and I won’t mention his name here, but it starts with D and ends with ad.
4 Refrigerate the dip until cool, or serve immediately. Either way, do so with tortilla chips, crackers, or raw veggies. Do not share with Eddie.
AVA'S POST-APOCALYPTIC CHICKPEA AND OLIVE SPREAD
This dip utilizes ingredients that are sure to survive the apocalypse, no matter which apocalypse we end up having. Except for the lemons. That’s why I recommend keeping a few lemons stuffed down your pants at all times, otherwise you won’t have citric acid to round out the flavor.
And since this dip is so easy to make, and you’re going to have a lot of time on your hands after everything you know and love is wiped off the planet, let’s learn how to play the guitar. (Make sure you bring a guitar into the shelter with you, though.)
How to Play the Guitar
Acquire a guitar. I recommend starting with an electric. They are much easier to play than an acoustic, and are very cheap to rent from your local music store, even though your local music store has been destroyed and there is no electricity.
Learn the G, C, and D chords. I would say look them up on the Internet, but that probably doesn’t work. With these three chords you will be able to play several hundred thousand songs, which will help humanity to preserve musical history. Commit to playing for twenty minutes, three or four days a week, around the bonfires, which will be our only source of warmth.
Practice making “guitar face.” This involuntary expression looks like you’re trying to think two or three separate thoughts at the same time. It’s also a good look for confusing an opponent in a fight. And you’re going to have to fight to make it out of there alive. To make it out dead you don’t need to learn the guitar at all.
MAKES 1¾ CUPS
1 (15.5-ounce) can chickpeas, drained and rinsed
1 (6-ounce) can black olives, drained and rinsed
¼ cup olive oil
Juice of ½ lemon
½ teaspoon fine sea salt
½ teaspoon honey
Freshly ground pepper
Tortilla chips, crackers, pita bread, or raw veggies, for serving
1 In a food processor, combine the chickpeas, black olives, olive oil, lemon juice, salt, and honey and process for about 2 minutes, until smooth. Taste and add some pepper to enhance the flavor as needed.
2 Serve with tortilla chips, crackers, pita bread, or raw veggies. Share with Ava. She knows a lot about post-apocalyptic survival.
NOBODY’S CHEESE DIP
Cheese is one of those rare foods that is equally good cold, hot, liquid, solid, white, orange, or blue. In fact, there is no substance on Earth that maintains an equal amount of appeal through such a range of temperatures, states, and colors, aside from rocks. The main thing cheese has over rocks, however, is that cheese is more edible than rocks when in a liquid state. Check mate, rocks.
MAKES 1½ CUPS
2 tablespoons olive oil
3 scallions, chopped
2 jalapeño peppers, seeded and chopped
⅓ cup 2% milk or water
4 ounces cream cheese, at room temperature
1 cup shredded Monterey Jack cheese
Tortilla chips, crackers, or raw veggies, for serving
1 In a medium nonstick skillet, heat the oil over medium heat until it shimmers like chain mail armor in the sunlight before a historic battle. Add the scallions and jalapeños, and cook for 6 to 8 minutes, until slightly browned. Add the milk, cream cheese, and Monterey Jack, mushing around and wangjangling for about 5 minutes, until completely melted.
2 Transfer to a small bowl and serve immediately with tortilla chips, crackers, or raw veggies, or drink it with a very fat straw. Share with nobody.
SWEET POTATO WEDGES WITH DIPPING SAUCE
Wedges come in many shapes and sizes, but mostly wedge shaped and size small. They can be used to stop doors, keep things from rolling, and drive people apart. A large wedge can be used as a ramp to jump your BMX in the driveway. An even larger wedge can be painted yellow and sold as the world’s largest piece of cheese. A wedgie is something else entirely, and it is not recommended to have one while eating this snack, unless you’re into that sort of thing.
Dips can be served in a wide range of spatial relationships to wedges. The reason this dip is served on the side, rather than above the wedges, is because levitation takes way too much energy, man. You made these wedges and dip so you could relax and enjoy your afternoon, not exhaust yourself showing off with cheap futuristic parlor tricks.
SERVES 2
FOR THE WEDGES
1 large sweet potato
3 to 4 fresh sage leaves
2 tablespoons olive oil
FOR THE DIPPING SAUCE
½ cup regular or full-fat Greek yogurt
1 tablespoon fresh minced dill or 1 teaspoon dried dill
⅛ teaspoon honey
Fine sea salt
Juice of ¼ lemon
1 Preheat the oven to 400°F. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper.
2 Make the wedges: Scrub the sweet potato, then cut it lengthwise into 1-inch-thick wedges. Chop the sage leaves into ladybug-sized pieces.
3 In a medium bowl, combine the sweet potato wedges, sage, and olive oil and toss until coated. Arrange the wedges on the baking sheet and spoon any sticky sage bits that are clinging to the bowl onto the wedges.
4 Roast for about 25 minutes, or until the bottoms of the wedges have browned. Flip and bake for another 10 minutes, until the other side of the wedges are browned.
5 Meanwhile, make the dip: In a small bowl, combine the yogurt, dill, honey, salt to taste, and lemon juice and wangjangle until thoroughly mixed.
6 Remove the wedges from the oven, allow them to cool for 10 minutes, until they are cooler than they were before they began cooling, and arrange them on a plate. Serve with dipping sauce on the side.
NOTE
Cooking times will vary. If the wedges start to get too charred, take them out of the oven. The flip is to get more of the wedges browned, but it’s not totally necessary. But the Maillard reaction browning is definitely gonna benefit these wedges on a taste level (see this page if you don’t know what I’m talking about). You might even feel they’re done enough after 25 minutes, but it could take up to 40. The world is perplexing. Stay sharp.
AVOCADO COUPE DE DIEU
Sometimes you just need permission to do the easiest, most obvious and straightforward thing possible. And sometimes you also need permission to do the most respectful thing to God, who created avocados with a perfect built-in cup and didn’t want us unnecessarily dirtying another bowl or plate, I can only assume. That’s why I invented Avocado Coupe de Dieu, or Avocado Cup of God. When you are finished enjoying your Avocado Coupe de Dieu, pour water into the shell and wash it, then keep it as a snack-sized salad bowl. Then be careful not to get smited.
SERVES 2
1 avocado
Fine sea salt and freshly ground pepper
Juice of ⅛ lime
Hot sauce
1 spoon
1 Halve the avocado and remove the pit. Add salt and pepper to taste. Squeeze lime juice all over it. Dab hot sauce precisely where you’d like the hot sauce to be, based on visualizing how you are going to spoon out the bites in the immediate future.
2 Throw a spoon into the air so it flips around several times before catching it in a way that makes you look cool. Use the spoon to eat the avocado, slicing down to the bottom so that each bite gets the seasoning. Alternatively, you can eat the top layer, then re-season the avocado and continue.
NOTES
Avocado Coupe de Dieu is also great with ranch or other creamy dressings on top.
If someone asks you what you’re eating, make sure you say “Avocado Coupe de Dieu, obviously,” with a bit of an attitude, a thick French accent, and a huge eye-roll.
CREAMPESIO CUCUMBERETTA
The cucumber is one of the most offensive modern vegetables, on account of how much water it contains. Other vegetables, such as broccoli, have the decency to contain more vegetable and less water, which is a much better deal. Cucumbers don’t care. They soak up that stuff and hold on to it as if their biological state depends on it. Cream cheese, on the other hand, doesn’t soak up any extra water beyond what’s needed. That's because it’s made of milk.
SERVES 2
1 cucumber
2 ounces cream cheese
15-ish grape tomatoes, cut into ¼-inch slices
Fine sea salt and freshly ground pepper
1 tablespoon balsamic vinegar
1 Halve the cucumber lengthwise, then scoop out the seeds. Eat the scooped seeds so you have enough energy to finish making your snack.
2 Spread cream cheese into the gap until it’s full. Lay tomato slices down the center of the cucumber, side by side.
3 Sprinkle the salt and pepper over the whole cucumber. Use a spoon to dab a couple drops of balsamic vinegar onto each tomato. Slice the cucumber between the tomato slices to make bite-sized pieces.
NOTE
Spreading the cream cheese on the cucumber is challenging, on account of that whole water issue I mentioned. You’re essentially trying to spread a liquid on a liquid, which, like most paradoxes, is tricky. It’s similar to when you attempt to spread peanut butter on the surface of a glass of water. It takes time, dexterity, and enough patience to allow the water to freeze first. The best approach when spreading the cream cheese on the cucumber is to proceed with confident, aggressive perseverance.
GAS STATION CHARCUTERIE PLATE
The Gas Station Charcuterie Plate is possible because we live in the golden age of mobile snacking. It is also bound to be a hit because of the human tendency to equate variety with quality. Which is not to say the foods at gas stations are of low quality. It’s just easy to take for granted the fact that you can get food, on a whim, at any time of the day or night, at these lonely fossil fuel outposts. In the future, a mobile rest stop subscription service will pull up beside you while you’re driving, refuel your car, give you snacks, and let you use the restroom, all at 65 miles per hour. And the fuel will be laser beams.
SERVES HOWEVER MANY PEOPLE ARE COMING OVER
Washer fluid
Gasoline of your choice
Pepperoni sticks
Almonds
Beef jerky
Cheese
Roasted almonds
Salted pistachios
Honey-roasted peanuts
Barbecue peanuts
Pumpkin seeds
Sunflower seeds
Dark chocolate
Any other interesting snacks you can find at a gas station
1 Pop the hood of your car and locate your washer fluid reservoir (normally a translucent white tank with a water symbol on the cap). Remove the cap and add washer fluid until the reservoir is full. Replace the cap and close the hood.
2 Fill your gas tank with gas.
3 Go inside the store with actual money like it’s the old-fashioned days. Locate any interesting snacks and purchase them, and don’t forget to pay for the gas and washer fluid. Drive home and wash the gasoline off your hands.
4 Cut the pepperoni sticks into bite-sized pieces. Cut them on an angle if you’re feeling extra fancy.
5 Arrange all the snacks on a plate, platter, or serving board in a way that makes sense, such as grouping nuts and meats together, or putting nuts and meats as far away as possible from each other. Serve, and never tell your date where the snacks came from.*
NOTES
*Actually, you should tell the truth about where the snacks came from. If you don’t, and it’s a first date, your relationship will be built on a bed of lies. But if you end up having a long relationship that ends poorly, in the middle of a fight, you can scream “WELL THOSE SNACKS WERE FROM THE GAS STATION ANYWAY!”
The Gas Station Charcuterie Plate can also be constructed with foods from a pharmacy, bodega, newsstand, or if you’re really desperate, a grocery store. You’re just looking for a good balance of snacks with contrasting textures and flavors. You’re just looking for a good balance of snacks with complementary colors and personalities. You’re just looking to tap deeply into humanities’ long lineage of foraging to make the best of a not even remotely difficult situation.
