SANDWICHES
The invention of sandwiches closely followed the legalization of layering in 1678, thanks to the work of several scientists who proved there was no real danger to consuming stacked food (provided that none of the layers included snake venom, bullets, turpentine, or scorpions). The popularity of the sandwich soon exploded, eclipsing the most beloved meal of the day: potatoes on the ground.
The original sandwich consisted of only one ingredient: bread, with two slices on the outside and one slice in the middle. The sandwich eventually evolved to incorporate turnips, with two turnips on the outside of the sandwich and one whole loaf of bread in the middle. Decades later, mayonnaise was introduced, resulting in a sandwich with one whole turnip in the center, two slices of bread on the outside of the turnip, and mayonnaise spread on the outside of each slice of bread.
There have been infinite combinations of sandwiches over the centuries, on infinite types of bread. There are sandwiches that contain no bread at all, such as a lettuce wrap. Sandwiches have been served at a variety of altitudes, and a variety of temperatures, including hot, cold, room temperature, and outside temperature. One need only look at the current variety of sandwiches to see how far the sandwich has come. But where is the sandwich heading? In the future, a few lines of well-written code will give us the experience of a sandwich where each bite tastes slightly better than the one before, forever.
TYPES OF SANDWICHES
Closed-Face Sandwich
The most common type, this sandwich is made by placing ingredients between two slices of bread.
Open-Face Sandwich
This sandwich is created by putting ingredients on top of a single slice of bread. This sandwich has a naturally strong stuff-to-bread ratio, and has an easier time expressing its feelings than a closed-face sandwich.
Reverse Open-Face Sandwich
This sandwich is created by putting ingredients beneath a single slice of bread. It is slightly more difficult to move from the plate to your mouth than its counterpart.
Reverse Closed-Face Sandwich
This sandwich is created by putting one slice of bread between two layers of ingredients. This sandwich is best eaten with a knife and fork, or sandwich gloves.
Sandwich Tube
Also known as a “wrap,” this sandwich is created by rolling ingredients inside a tortilla, pita bread, or any other thin, flat, edible surface. It tastes best when the edible surface is rolled in the opposite direction of Earth’s orbit.
Fancy Sandwich
This sandwich is better than a sandwich you would normally make for yourself, because you are making it for somebody that you like, so you are really going the distance. Alternatively, it could be a sandwich someone is making for you, and therefore you get to reap the fanciness of it. This would take place in an alternate reality where you deserve that.
Revenge Sandwich
This sandwich is created by writing “I dislike you” on the inside of the bread with mustard. It’s especially good if mustard has no business being on this sandwich. Dijon, whole-grain, yellow, and honey mustards all work well.
The Go Phug Yourselfwich
This sandwich is often found at coffee shops, airports, or vending machines, and is composed of 80 percent bread with no condiments. It tastes slightly better than tree bark.
The Phug Yeahwich
Any sandwich with ingredients sloppily spilling out on all sides. Note that a sandwich can be any of the above and also a Phug Yeahwich.
SANDWICH PRINCIPLES
SANDWICH PRINCIPLE #1: The Bread-to-Stuff Ratio
The bread-to-stuff ratio is a make-or-break aspect of sandwiching. If you look at the profile of your sandwich and the bread thickness is greater than the stuff thickness, your sandwich has room for improvement. Aim to pack your sandwich with at least 50 percent stuff, but for a truly mind-blowing sandwich, target 75 to 600 percent stuff. Making an open-face sandwich is one way to ensure a strong bread-to-stuff ratio.
Think of the bread as the edible transport system that contains the meal. As my grandmother used to always think, “the less transport system, the better the sandwich.”
When selecting your bread, consider its surface area, thickness, tensile strength, elasticity, and crumblature. A bread that is thin, wide, strong, one-half inch thick or less, with a tensile strength of 37MPa, elasticity of 6.3 units per stretchable inch, and a crumblature rating no higher than 4 is a strong choice.
SANDWICH PRINCIPLE #2: Moisture Content
The only thing worse than a dry sandwich is a really dry sandwich.
One of the key components in a sandwich with proper moisture content is fresh, moist bread. A bread that has the dampness of forest moss is ideal. This is easily accomplished by making a sandwich with two slices of fresh forest moss.
The next most important aspect of proper sandwich moisture levels is the sauces or condiments. As a general rule, start with an amount you think will taste good, then add more. But not so much more that it tastes bad. In other words, add the right amount, not the wrong amount. Always apply condiments to both slices of bread. Doing so will ensure that your bread doesn’t dry out when exposed to air, which is the driest substance on Earth (aside from fire, sand, rocks, and balsa wood).
Another way to increase the moisture content of your sandwich is to add a slice of congealed water. If congealed water isn’t available in your area, simply leave your sandwich out for half an hour when the morning dew materializes from Earth’s nether region.
SANDWICH PRINCIPLE #3: Structure
The order of sandwich layers is very important for engineering structural integrity. You want to alternate between grippy/sticky and slippery layers. Your technique can include embedding condiments in the dead center of the sandwich if necessary, which can also aid in moisture distribution.
You can rate the structural integrity of your sandwich against the International Sandwich Structural Integrity Chart®. It is based on one’s ability to hold the sandwich in various circumstances while eating it without any drops or drips.
INTERNATIONAL SANDWICH STRUCTURAL INTEGRITY CHART®
LEVEL 1: Holding the sandwich with two hands.
LEVEL 2: Holding the sandwich with two hands while walking.
LEVEL 3: One-handing the sandwich.
LEVEL 4: One-handing the sandwich on a pogo stick.
LEVEL 5: One-handing the sandwich while driving a motorcycle through a cornfield.
LEVEL 6: One-handing the sandwich while piloting a spaceship during takeoff.
LEVEL 7: One-handing a sandwich while riding a bull for 8 seconds.
LEVEL 8: One-handing a sandwich while riding a bull for 8 seconds while piloting a spaceship during takeoff through a cornfield.
LEVEL 9: One-handing a sandwich while being picked up by an F5 tornado while riding a space bull.
LEVEL 10: One-handing a sandwich while traveling through a wormhole to the universe next door.
LEVEL 11: One-handing a sandwich while dying, then finishing it on the other side.
SANDWICH PRINCIPLE #4: Homogeny
Occasionally during your lifetime, you might have found that a sandwich has patches of blank bread. This sandwich is one that was made by a bad person. You, however, are not. Spread condiments on your bread from crust to crust, leaving no surface bread molecule untouched, then compliment yourself for doing a good job. Make sure your ingredients reach, at minimum, to the edge of the bread, if not flowing over the sides to a maximum distance of 8 inches. Make sure your compliments flow over your whole body and into your heart, where your emotions live within its protective walls.
SANDWICH PRINCIPLE #5: Pickles
The pickles principle is as follows: Always involve pickles in your sandwich. The benefits of adding pickles to your sandwich could be an entire book unto itself, but I will focus on the most important few:
A 
Pickles complete the flavor of your sandwich by adding the delicious taste of pickles.
B Adding pickles to your sandwich solves the common problem of not having pickles on your sandwich.
C A sandwich with pickles tastes far superior to a sandwich without pickles.
D A sandwich with pickles has a superior texture to a sandwich without pickles.
E Pickles are great.
F Pickles are the opposite of bad.
G Putting pickles on your sandwich makes you a good person.
There are certain people in this world who claim to not like pickles. They are in denial, as everybody loves pickles on account of the fact that pickles:
A Taste delicious, and
B Are wonderful.
For those who are convinced they do not like pickles, there are several ways to deal with this confounding issue:
1 Learn to like pickles.
2 Learn to don’t not like pickles.
3 Alter the gene within you that prevents you from thinking you don’t dislike pickles.
4 Investigate unconscious past life incidents that interfere with consciously liking pickles currently. If one is discovered, obtain a flux capacitor and the requisite amount of uranium to travel to the past to disrupt the incident that prevents you from liking pickles while not disrupting the space-time continuum.
5 Dress your pickle up as another vegetable that you are quite fond of to trick your taste buds.
6 Decide to live your best life. The life where you like pickles.
BREAKFAST SANDWICHEST MEDIUMEST
I got into a huge fight with my editor over whether or not this sandwich belonged in the breakfast section, or the sandwich section. The fight played out while I was in the shower, alone, wrestling with this important categorization question, and fortunately I won. The truth is, a breakfast sandwich should be enjoyed at any meal, and at any speed—not just medium.
SERVES 1
2 strips bacon
2 eggs
2 slices bread
2 tablespoons mayo
¼ cup shredded cheddar cheese
2 to 4 tomato slices
Fine sea salt and freshly ground pepper
1 dill pickle, thinly sliced lengthwise
¼ avocado
Hot sauce
Ketchup (optional, see Note)
1 
Heat a medium skillet over medium heat, then add the bacon. Cook, flipping at your leisure, for 7 to 10 minutes, until the bacon is almost crisp and some fat has rendered. Remove the bacon from the pan and set aside.
2 Crack the eggs into the greasy pan. Stir as they cook, using your wangjangler to corral them into the shape of your bread.
3 Just before your eggs are cooked enough to flip, pop the bread into the toaster, then remove the pan from the heat and flip the eggs (see Note). When the bread has transformed into toast, spread the mayo on one side of each slice.
4 Put the eggs on the mayo side of one slice, then sprinkle the cheddar on top. Add the bacon, sliced tomatoes, salt and pepper to taste, and dill pickle in that order. Mash the avocado onto the other mayo-slathered piece of toast, dab with hot sauce to your liking, and place it on top of the pickles to complete the sandwich. Eat it hot.
NOTES
The residual heat of your pan should be enough to finish the eggs once they’re flipped, which is why I suggest taking them off the burner altogether. Just barely cooked eggs are divine. If you enjoy the texture of rubber, keep cooking the eggs on medium for several minutes longer. Alternatively, you can add a layer of fresh rubber to the sandwich.
A thin, almost imperceptible layer of ketchup, spread on top of the eggs, can add a sweet note that really brings the flavor home. Try it if you feel like something is missing. If you try it and you still feel like something is missing, it may be that you’re lacking a significant other in your life, and once you find true love, the sandwich will taste much, much better, with or without ketchup. At least for the first few weeks. If the sandwich starts to taste like there’s something missing again, you will have to look inside yourself instead.
TURKEY ROMAINE SLAB
This breadless, carbless, nearly weightless open-face sandwich might make you question whether or not the word “sandwich” has any meaning at all. One thing to keep in mind with all open-face sandwiches is that the ingredients have zero aerial protection, which means this sort of sandwich is not ideal for eating in the pouring rain, or during an aggressive hailstorm. However, the waterproof underlayer makes this the best possible sandwich to eat while surfing, snorkeling, or stomping around in a dirty rain puddle.
SERVES 1
1 romaine lettuce leaf
1 tablespoon mayonnaise
2 slices smoked turkey, plus more as desired
¼ avocado, sliced
Fine sea salt and freshly ground pepper
1 teaspoon hot sauce, or to taste
1 Admire the romaine leaf’s perfectly inviting concave curvature. Spread the mayo on the romaine like you would on a slice of bread, but not too close to the edges. There is no crust to guide you here. I trust you, so trust yourself.
2 Lay the 2 turkey slices on top (use more turkey if you prefer). Place the avocado slices down the center. Season with salt and pepper and dab with hot sauce. Take a bite, and think about pickles while you are chewing.
NOTES
Notice we are deliberately breaking the rules of homogeny here, as there is no need to slather the mayo up to the edge of the lettuce, or even evenly. That’s because this sandwich gets folded into a half-pipe as it enters the mouth, resulting in a natural blending of the ingredients.
If you’re making this slab for a friend, a fun trick to play is to dot the hot sauce into a specific shape, then see if your friend is smart enough to connect the dots. Will she notice that you’ve created a pointillist giraffe, or will she be too hungry to care? If your friend notices the shape and wants to connect the dots with more hot sauce to complete the picture, STOP HER IMMEDIATELY. If she uses a bunch more hot sauce to draw the giraffe, then the giraffe will be red, which is the wrong color for giraffes.
CURRY EGG SALAD SANDWICH
Egg salad sandwiches are never to be eaten in enclosed public spaces, such as airplanes, buses, or dentist waiting rooms. It’s considered inconsiderate to do so because if someone sees you eating an egg salad sandwich they might become jealous if they don’t have one of their own. If you pick up on this jealous energy, you may feel distracted from enjoying your sandwich. In some instances, a person may attempt to sneak a bite of your sandwich, which could be dangerous if they bite your hand instead. Avoid this awkward and potentially violent situation by only eating egg salad sandwiches at home. Alone. At night. In the dark.
MAKES 2 CLOSED-FACE SANDWICHES, 3 OPEN-FACE SANDWICHES, OR 1 THICK CLOSED-FACE SANDWICH WITH A FEW BITES OF EGG SALAD ON THE SIDE WHILE YOU’RE MAKING IT BECAUSE IT’S SO GOOD YOU CAN’T HELP YOURSELF AND NO ONE NEEDS TO SEE YOU HANGRY
3 large eggs
2 tablespoons mayonnaise
2 medium dill pickles, diced
½ teaspoon yellow curry powder
Fine sea salt and freshly ground pepper
2, 3, or 4 slices bread
1 Fill a medium saucepan with water and bring to a boil over high heat. Reduce the heat to medium, then gently lower the eggs into the water with a spoon, one at a time, and boil for 9 minutes. Remove the saucepan from the heat, drain off the water, then add cold water to cool the eggs.
2 Once the eggs are cool enough to handle, peel them. If the heat reemerges, run them under cold water for a few seconds and continue peeling. Roughly chop the peeled eggs and place them in a medium bowl. Add the mayo, pickles, curry powder, and salt and pepper to taste, then mash it all together using a fork.
3 Spread the egg salad on bread and eat open- or closed-face, but avoid eating two-faced.
NOTES
Be mindful of how much the boiling water throws the eggs around, as too much exuberance can cause them to crack. Adjust the heat to create a gentle boil.
You might be tempted to peel the eggs over the garbage can. This method is what’s known in the food industry as “disgusting.” Use two bowls: one for the eggs, the other for the shells. Compost the egg shells, or dye them various colors and glue them to blue construction paper, then give it as a gift to someone you don’t like very much.
TUNA SALAD SANDWICH
This moment, right now, may be the first time you’ve considered making a tuna sandwich without mayonnaise. If so, you may need therapy to cope with Residual Mayonnaise Withdrawal Syndrome. You may need therapy for all kinds of other issues as well, and overcoming a mayonnaise block is a great introductory subject to get you into a therapist’s office while you build up the courage to discuss the meaty stuff, such as your aversion to gravy.
SERVES 2
1 (5-ounce) can solid white albacore tuna in water, drained
2 tablespoons olive oil
1 tablespoon balsamic vinegar
2 scallions, finely chopped
⅓ cup dried cherries (or dried fruit of your choice), chopped
¼ teaspoon fine sea salt
Freshly ground pepper
4 slices bread or 2 slices toast
2 gherkins or cornichons
1 Add the tuna to a medium bowl and use a fork to break it apart into small pieces. Add the olive oil, balsamic vinegar, scallions, dried cherries, salt, and pepper to taste and recklessly mash them all together until they are mixed thoroughly.
2 Sandwich the tuna between 2 slices bread to make 2 closed-face sandwiches, or top 2 pieces toast for open-face sandwiches. Now eat it with gherkins on the side. Also admire how I used “sandwich” as both a verb and a noun in the same sentence.
NOTES
The reason the open-face version of this sandwich is best with toast, as opposed to bread, is because open-face tuna on bread is a structural integrity disaster waiting to happen. The reason the closed-face version of this sandwich is best with bread, as opposed to toast, is that 2 slices of toast will result in a sandwich that’s a bit too dry. Although you could get away with a very light toasting. Sandwichcraft is a game that should be played to win.
LEEKY BACON POCKET
This sandwich was originally a side dish. Bacon and leeks just sounded good together. But then I needed another sandwich, so I thought: Bacon and leeks sound good, and so does bread and tzatziki. Which is cheating because tzatziki sounds great on everything. I might have been better off making a burger instead. But it’s too late now.
Also, this recipe contains red wine vinegar. If you’re a baby, remember that drinking wine is against the law for you. Also remember that you are too young to know how to read, unless you’re so young that you haven’t learned that you can’t read yet, in which case make sure you’re not drinking any form of wine.
SERVES 2
4 strips bacon, chopped into 1-inch pieces
2 cups sliced leeks (from 1 large leek excluding the last 2 inches of green; see Notes)
1 tablespoon olive oil
1 teaspoon red wine vinegar
2 9-inch pitas, halved crosswise
2 tablespoons tzatziki or Greek yogurt
1 Heat a large skillet over medium heat and add the bacon. Cook about 4 minutes, or until the bacon fat covers the bottom of the pan. Add the leeks and wangjangle until the leeks are coated in bacon fat. Add the olive oil and red wine vinegar and wangjangle again.
2 Reduce the heat to medium-low and simmer for about 10 minutes, or until the bacon is cooked through but not quite crispy and the leeks are soft.
3 Open the pita and spread tzatziki on both inner sides. Fill each pita with bacony leeks. Eat while listening to the sound of pickles.
NOTES
You can make two pitas, or one bigger pita. I personally make one bigger pita but my friend Allison once made this recipe and insisted that it made two pitas-worth of stuff. I trust her, but then again I don’t know how hungry she is on a regular basis. Or on an irregular basis.
Another option is to stuff one pita as much as possible, and then share it, achieving a higher ratio of stuff to bread, which is good. You could also pass each half back and forth, taking turns with each bite, and pretend you’re living in a time before we were aware of germs.
NOTES ON LEEKS
It’s difficult to express just how much dirt there is in leeks. One way would be to say “Man, there’s a whole lot of dirt in leeks.” Another way might be “SERIOUSLY? That’s a lot of damn dirt!” Another way might be “I expected that. I’ve cooked with leeks before.”
Recent USDA guidelines state that leeks may contain no more than 85% dirt. Part of the reason there is so much dirt in leeks is because they grow out of the ground, where a large percentage of the Earth’s dirt is stored.
The easiest way to clean a leek is to hold it up in front of a fire hose on full blast. The easiest way to make that happen is to set your house on fire, then hold the leek up in an open window, and hope the fire department responds swiftly.
If you don’t have a fire department in your area, the next best way to clean a leek is to cut it in half lengthwise, hold one of the dirty-ended halves under the tap, then rifle through the layers like a deck of cards. Unless you ask my really good friend Amanda, who thinks the best way to clean a leek is to slice them and soak them, then lift them out of the water. I bet she’s never even tried the card-rifling trick. And I bet she’d make a terrible magician.
The easiest way to tell if a layer of your leek has dirt is this: If you see a layer, and that layer is part of a leek, then it has dirt. If you buy a leek that doesn’t have dirt in the layers, then you’ve basically won the lottery. It’s the saddest lottery on Earth, but yay, you won.
HAM AND CHEESE MELT
Some people are very passionate about the names they give their sandwiches. While I called this sandwich a Ham and Cheese Melt, some might call it a Grilled Cheese with Ham and Pickles. But they might find themselves on the business end of an earful about sandwich names. You see, there are Grilled Cheese Purists out there who insist that a grilled cheese must consist of nothing more than bread, butter, and cheese. As soon as you add more ingredients, they say, the sandwich is no longer a grilled cheese—it becomes a melt.
On the other hand, others insist that as long as it is a cheesy sandwich fried in a pan, it remains a grilled cheese. It’s simply an enhanced grilled cheese. If I add a spoiler to my station wagon, they argue, does it cease to be a station wagon? If I put clothes on my baby, they say, does it cease to be a baby? What if that baby grows into a teenager, is it still not a baby?
It’s best not to get involved in these arguments. Instead, before serving a grilled cheese or melt, ask everyone in the room what they prefer to call it. Anyone who cares what it’s called doesn’t get a sandwich.
SERVES 1
1 tablespoon salted butter, softened
2 slices bread
1 cup shredded cheddar cheese
2 slices smoked ham
1 medium dill pickle, thinly sliced lengthwise
2 teaspoons honey mustard
1 Preheat a medium skillet over medium heat. Butter each slice of bread on one side and place one slice butter side down in the pan, then sprinkle on half the cheddar. Lay the ham on top of that, then sprinkle the rest of the cheese on top of that.
2 Add the second piece of bread, butter side up, cover, and cook for 2 to 3 minutes, until the bottom slice is golden brown, then flip the sandwich, replace the cover, and cook for 1 to 2 minutes more, until the second side is golden brown.
3 Remove the sandwich from the pan, slide a fork between the 2 slices of ham, and lift up the top. Add a layer of dill pickles, spread honey mustard on the top side, then put the sandwich back together.
4 Cut the sandwich in half and eat it using the hole that’s in your face. The one above your chin. Not the ones above your mouth.
NOTES
Did you know that some people spread mayonnaise on the outside of the bread when pan-frying a sandwich instead of butter? Resist the impulse to judge, consider that they might know something you don’t, and then allow the disdainful feelings to wash over you like a haughty baptismal ceremony.
The mayonnaise adds a tangy flavor and produces beautiful golden crustitude. That’s on account of the ingredient “tang” that is in all mayonnaises. Using butter adds a buttery flavor. That’s because of the butter. Maybe you should give the mayonnaise a try. Or maybe you’d prefer to never evolve and spend the rest of your life barely living in your small, small world.
SWEET TOMATO GRILLED CHEESE PITA
With this sandwich, not only have I broken the Grilled Cheese Purist rules, but I have also gone ahead and used a nontraditional grilled cheese bread. This is practically a wrap with hot tomato jam. I am almost asking to be physically attacked at this point.
Which I would welcome.
Since I have a yellow belt in taekwondo, I am nearly indestructible. Not physically though. Physically I am very weak. I can easily throw my shoulder out from tossing a baseball. I never really got the hang of it. I think it was a confidence issue I had as a kid, which carried over into an overconfidence issue I have as an adult. But on a spirit level, I am quite strong. And that’s because of the yellow belt.
SERVES 2
1 tablespoon olive oil
2 garlic cloves, finely chopped or pressed
1½ cups chopped, seeded tomatoes (about 2 medium)
1 teaspoon maple syrup
Fine sea salt and freshly ground pepper
1 9-inch pita, halved crosswise
1½ cups shredded cheddar cheese
1 teaspoon salted butter
1 In a medium nonstick skillet, heat the oil over medium heat until it shimmers like the thighs of the oiled-up Greek wrestler you’re about to grapple with. Add the garlic and tomatoes, stir to coat them in oil, and cook for 2 minutes, until soft.
2 Reduce the heat to medium-low and add the maple syrup and a pinch each of salt and pepper. Cook for about 20 minutes, wangjangling occasionally, until the tomatoes reduce into a thick, jammy sauce.
3 Open up half of the pita horizontally to make a pocket, and sprinkle in one-quarter of the cheese. Spoon in half the tomato jam, then add another one-quarter of the cheese on top. Repeat with the other pita half.
4 In a separate nonstick medium skillet, or clean the one you just used, melt the butter on medium heat. Cook the pita for 2 minutes on each side, until the cheese is melted and the bread is toasty and golden.
5 With every bite, inhale deeply while imagining the fragrance of pickles.
