chapter 1

A New View of Depression

Nothing can bring you peace but yourself.

—Ralph Waldo Emerson

Nothing any book or therapist could ever say could possibly do justice to the reality of depression. There’s just no way to say it lightly. Depression sucks.

When you’re depressed, everything—the universe, the future, your own self—can look hopeless and bleak. It may look like a dark world out there, but in this book, and in your life, you’re the hero. We, the authors, view depression as the struggle you’re up against, and we’re here to help you rewrite your own story. In this chapter, we help you understand your depression with more information on what it is and what it can feel like.

Before we dive in with a closer look at definitions of depression and mindfulness, and before you start learning and practicing new skills, we’d like to have you do a brief visualization activity.

Try This:

Sit quietly in a place where you won’t be disturbed for a few minutes. Imagine that you’re out hiking in the woods on a beautiful day. You’ve got a large pack strapped to your back, the air is crisp, the tree branches around you are swaying in the breeze, and birds are singing. You’re feeling good and are glad you decided to head out into the wild.

You’re so busy checking out the scenery that you don’t notice a huge, gaping sinkhole in front of you, and you suddenly topple down into it. Before you can do anything, you’ve rolled all the way to the bottom and are lying flat on your back. You’re not hurt, but you’re a bit freaked out—this hole is very deep, and the sides are incredibly steep. You try frantically, but there’s no climbing out. You call for help, but you’re so far out in the middle of nowhere that it could be days before someone comes by.

What are you going to do to get out of the hole? You open your pack and find a small shovel. It’s the only tool you have, so you start digging. As you dig, you’re getting more frustrated and upset. All you have is the shovel, so you keep digging.

What’s happening to the hole you’re in? Well, if you’re digging, it’s just going to get deeper! Why would you keep using the shovel when all it’s doing is making the hole bigger, trapping you even more?

Here’s the thing—when people are depressed, it can feel sort of like they’re in a big hole like this. You can feel stuck, even trapped by the symptoms. Through no fault of your own, you fell into this hole of depression, and you’ve been doing the best you can to dig your way out (we firmly believe this!) with the tools you’ve had available to you. You’ve been using different “shovels” (maybe how you use your emotions with others to get their attention, or staying in bed, or perhaps eating too much or too little, or avoiding certain situations). Whatever these tools are, you’ve used them to try to take care of yourself, to lessen the weight of depression for yourself.

In the space below, jot down a few of the tools you’ve already tried to get out of the stuck place you’ve been in, tools that maybe aren’t getting you out of the hole:

And here are the questions: Are the tools you’ve been using working? Are they digging you deeper or are they getting you out? If not, are you willing to learn some new tools? Are you willing to try getting out of the hole in completely new ways? If so, read on.

Sergeant Mind

Depression is ordered around, and made worse, by an out-of-control inner critic we like to refer to as Sergeant Mind. For simplicity’s sake (and because we’re both guys and tend to visualize our own “sergeants” that way), we’re calling Sgt. Mind a “he,” but if “she” fits better for you, by all means visualize the good sergeant that way.

The sergeant is the aspect of your mind—your thoughts and mental images—whispering criticism and negativity in your ear. He tries to keep your world small so that you don’t feel overwhelmed or like a failure. But as he tries to protect you by holding the rest of the world at a distance, he’s like a stern and overprotective parent who also keeps you isolated, feeling unworthy, and hesitant to take action and make changes.

He’s highly skilled and experienced at what he does. When he shows up barking out negative, critical, and gloomy thoughts that can make your depression worse, he’s pretty confident that he’s right. He also thinks he’s pretty smart, but he’s spent so much time planning and controlling things from inside his bunker that his view of the world is narrow and distorted.

We all have a Sgt. Mind, an inner critic; it’s just that when we experience depression, this critic has been promoted because of all his success in taking control of things. His voice is louder, more insistent, and more believable. It doesn’t mean that you’re broken or crazy, or that Sgt. Mind is evil and needs to be defeated. Believe it or not, he’s trying to help, but he’s just confused and misguided. He’s stuck viewing the world from behind his dark-colored field glasses, seeing danger around every corner, and is trying to protect you by keeping you from doing anything differently. It probably works in the short run, but the problem is that he makes things worse for you in the long run. We want to help you work with him and turn him into a supportive ally by the end of this book.

Sgt. Mind may look and sound a little different for everyone. Sometimes his voice has echoes of other people in your life—family, teachers, other kids, or voices from the media.

If you were to describe what your own Sgt. Mind looks and sounds like, how would you do so? While it might seem a little silly, it can be very helpful to start practicing the skill of separating the depressive thoughts, emotions, and actions from who you are at your core: the “you” who wants a life that feels good and is going somewhere important.

Who is Sgt. Mind for you?

What does your sergeant look like?

What sort of tone does Sgt. Mind use with you?

Does his voice ever sound like other voices you hear in your life?

What sorts of things does he say about you?

About others?

About the world?

About your future?

What Is Depression?

Depression is often viewed as a disease, or a condition people have. We believe, and research backs us up on this, that depression is not something you “have” but something you sometimes experience—biologically, mentally, emotionally, socially, and in your behavior. It’s not what you are or will be all the time, just like you won’t always be a teenager, a student, or (thankfully!) someone living in your parents’ house.

Sgt. Mind wears his dark-colored glasses, and because of them, everything he sees is dark, blurry, and distorted. It’s the same with depression; it’s not you that’s the problem, but instead it’s the “dark glasses” that put a dark, drab, and negative filter over the world, yourself, and others.

We’re not saying that the pain of depression isn’t real—it absolutely is. It’s just that you’re in a much better place to manage and overcome depression if you can find ways to clear the glasses that make everything look so…depressing. A main goal for this book is to provide you with new, empowering skills for directly facing and managing depression, by seeing what is the depression’s view, and what is the reality of your life.

The Diagnosis of Depression

We all feel down from time to time, especially when we experience sad, traumatic, or stressful things. But if we continue to feel down or have a lot of these symptoms for more than a few weeks, it could mean depression.

Below are some symptoms of clinical depression. If you’re experiencing even a few of these for more than a few weeks, check in with your doctor, therapist, or another trusted adult. Some symptoms might have a cause that isn’t depression, so it’s very important to check in with a medical professional and have a physical exam before you or someone else decides you are experiencing depression.

Read over this list and write down your thoughts about each group of symptoms. It’s unlikely you’ll have much to say about many of them, but you may have a lot to say about a few of them.

Bodily and physical symptoms
Psychological symptoms
Social and behavioral symptoms

Do any of these symptoms look familiar to you? Which ones most jumped out at you? Did any of them surprise you?

You’re Not Alone

You might wonder, Why me? It might actually be helpful to ask, Why not me? Because about one in four people will experience a mood disorder at some point in their lives, we believe you might be better off learning to manage depression while you’re young, to get the skills you need to last a lifetime.

Have you ever wondered what you have in common with at least three US presidents, as well as Britney Spears, Beyoncé, and Buzz Aldrin, the second man on the moon? Okay, probably not—but what you have in common is that you’ve all experienced difficulty with depression.

There are literally millions of successful people walking around in the world who have experienced depression, come out the other side of it stronger, and gone on to do incredible things. Here is a partial list of other folks who have wrestled with their own Sgt. Mind, according to interviews and historical research:

And remember, this is only a partial list of well-known successful people. Just think of all the other people in your school; it could be dozens, if not hundreds, of kids in your school, at your camp, and on your teams. If you’re interested, just type in something like “athletes with depression” (or “musicians” or “entrepreneurs”) into a search engine and see who comes up. We can almost guarantee you will find a role model who’s been through this.

Sgt. Mind likes to tell you that you’re alone, and that depression will keep you from living a full life. We’re here to tell you otherwise; the good news is that depression is treatable, and the vast majority of people with depression get better!

The Bio-Psycho-Social Model

Hopefully this section will help you understand that the “why” of depression is not as simple as saying “It’s in my genes,” “It’s a chemical imbalance,” or “My family and I have been through a lot.” All of those may be true and may be contributing factors. But in the end, this book is not as much about why you’re depressed, but rather what you do about it on a daily basis that will help you feel better.

Research is clear that many people who struggle with some forms of depression may have biological factors, such as genetics or medical issues, that contribute to the problem. But the research is also clear that it’s not as simple as inheriting a few bummer DNA strands.

In the past, people believed all kinds of things about what caused intense negative emotions, from demons to the alignment of the stars. More recently, debate has raged as to whether it is totally biological or totally based on childhood experiences—nature or nurture. Nowadays, experts believe that our emotional issues are rooted in what they call the bio-psycho-social model. This fancy-sounding term means that biology is one factor, but we also consider what’s happening in people’s thoughts and emotions (psychology) as well as their social relationships and situations (behavior). We think about the way these all interact to contribute to depression. But just as factors like biology, thought patterns, and social experiences can contribute to your depression, they can also contribute to your recovery.

We’ve designed this book around this model because the science is clear that working with your body, your mind, and your relationships and behavior is most likely to lead to powerful results. We’ve included a chapter on each to help you and your support team design an approach to your life that gives you clear and effective tools for each one. They all fit together in moving forward when Sgt. Mind would have you giving up.

Depression Has Many Faces

Depression is not simply crying or feeling sad all the time. In fact, for teens, depression can look very different. There are many symptoms of depression besides sadness. For the most part, they reflect feelings of withdrawal and loss of interest in life.

People often don’t recognize depression because it doesn’t look how it looks on TV or how others in the culture describe it. For that reason, we’ve included a list of some of the words we’ve heard both kids and adults use to describe depression. Look it over, and circle whichever ones you identify with.

Physical
Psychological

This isn’t the SAT, and you may not recognize every word or phrase on this list or relate to them. The bad news is they’re all painful to hear, and even more painful to live with. The good news is that no matter what you’ve circled on the list, you’re not alone. Others—people we authors know, in fact—have had those feelings and gone on to feel better.

Which words jumped out at you the most?

What words or phrases might you add?

Is there a pattern to the kinds of words and phrases you related to? If so, what is it?

Who do you feel safe sharing this list with? If no one comes to mind, don’t worry—we’ll help you figure this out in chapter 5.

Depression in Disguise

Depression has a tendency to disguise itself and can look invisible on the outside. In fact, it can even be invisible from the inside. Here are stories of three young people who may not have looked obviously depressed from the outside or even realized they were depressed.

Kara looked like she had it all. Everyone knew her as the popular and pretty girl, the girl with varsity letters in field hockey, and on the honor roll. She held it together so well in school and made it look so easy online, but the mask fell off in her therapist’s office. Even though she seemed to have it together, she felt like it was all going to fall apart. The pressure she was putting on herself was pushing her deeper into depression.

She didn’t cry in public, and only twice did she cry in a therapy session. Once it was over a breakup, and once over the loss of her grandmother. She had very little appetite and walked around with an upset stomach most days. Even when she got her homework done at a reasonable hour, she struggled to fall asleep and woke up early, before she was fully rested. She was constantly on edge. It all looked so good on the outside, but on the inside, she felt undeserving of all her success.

Kara had physical symptoms like lack of appetite, stomachaches, and difficulty sleeping. She also felt restless and agitated a lot of the time, with an increasingly pessimistic attitude toward life. Kara didn’t isolate herself or show any other warning signs from the outside, but nevertheless, according to the symptoms, Kara was depressed.

Did you relate to any aspects of Kara’s story or the ways symptoms appeared for her? If so, which ones?

Lucas was restless, irritable, and discontented. Like a lot of young men his age, his depression didn’t manifest as sadness, but rather as disinterest in school, which turned into frustration with himself, which in turn he took out on everyone around him. He put on about fifteen pounds over the fall term, which only made him feel worse about himself. He started staying home more on weekends, when he would sleep in until noon and then stay in bed for the rest of the day.

His mother brought him to therapy for help with school, not for depression. Lucas wasn’t performing up to his potential—or at least that’s what his teachers and family thought. He did tell his therapist that school hadn’t been going as well as it used to, that focusing was harder, and that he forgot details on his assignments more often. His lacrosse coach was telling him he had “lost his hustle,” and he did feel clumsier when he was playing. Lucas also used to love science, but that changed this year, even though he had the same teacher he had loved last year.

Lucas had symptoms like lack of concentration and disinterest in his favorite subjects. He was irritable and grumpy, gaining weight, losing coordination a bit, and withdrawing from friends. Lucas had more than enough symptoms to qualify for depression even though he never exactly felt sad.

Did you relate to any aspects of Lucas’s story or the ways symptoms appeared for him? If so, which ones?

Vanessa was “high school famous.” If it were time for yearbook superlatives, she’d probably get voted class clown—she was always the first to make silly comments out of nowhere and at all the wrong times in classes. She seemed to live in detention but no longer appeared bothered by getting in trouble. She was often late to class or wandering the halls, and if someone was making noise out in the hall during class, it was a good bet it was Vanessa.

Though everyone knew who Vanessa was, no one seemed to know much about her. She was loud, but also a loner. She kept mostly to herself and never participated in clubs, sports, or any social gatherings outside of school.

What they definitely didn’t know was that she was struggling with suicidal thoughts and impulses, scratching and cutting herself to manage her sadness and lonely feelings, and sleeping much more than usual for someone her age.

When kids began posting nasty rumors that were obviously not true about her, her parents and administrators at school got involved. Vanessa wasn’t in school for a while after that.

Vanessa might have been silly and clowning a lot, but her smile was a thin covering over her depression. Even though she was not acting or looking sad in public, no one at school was seeing what people in her family and the treatment professionals who worked with her outside of school knew.

Did you relate to any aspects of Vanessa’s story or the ways symptoms appeared for her? Which ones?

Envisioning a World Without Depression

When we are in the depths of a depression, it can be hard to see out of it, or remember what it’s like to not be depressed. Sgt. Mind shows us only the worst-case scenarios and tends to hide other perspectives on life. It can help to hold in mind what the opposite of that negativity is, for those low moments. Ask yourself the following questions, and jot down any answers that come to you.

How would you feel about yourself if you weren’t depressed? Or even if you were a bit less depressed?

How would you feel about the future if you weren’t depressed? Or even if you were a bit less depressed?

What would be in that future? What things would you have and be doing, and who would you be doing them with?

How will you feel about the world and about other people when you aren’t depressed?

A Word on Suicide and Self-Harm

Sometimes things get so bad that, like Vanessa, people think about hurting or even killing themselves, or just don’t care about being alive. If you ever feel that way, it is important that you have adults you trust whom you can speak to. In chapter 5, you’ll have an opportunity to write out a list of support people you feel comfortable speaking to in tough times.

Because this is a book and not an actual interaction, we obviously can’t be there to talk you through any thoughts of suicide or self-harm. We can’t emphasize enough how important it is for you to talk with others, even if it feels pointless and no matter what Sgt. Mind might be telling you. Any of those reactions are normal, and they’re part of depression. But if you feel like hurting yourself or ending your life, you absolutely must talk to an adult because they can really help and keep you safe.

With that, we’d like you to be willing to make a commitment right now to talking with your therapist about creating an agreement or “safety contract.” This agreement will be between you, your therapist, and perhaps other important people in your life, and will be all about committing to keeping yourself safe by reaching out when things are getting especially dangerous. Though Sgt. Mind might make fun of this idea, once you’re free and clear of depression, you’ll be glad you did it.

A Word on Medication

For some people, one part of depression treatment, besides the exercises in this workbook and talking to your therapist, might be medication. Medication won’t fix everything, but it may help you get to a point where talk therapy can work better, and it may lend you the strength to do the practices in this workbook or the hard work of talk therapy. Medication isn’t for everyone, but it might be helpful for you. You, your family, and your therapist, doctor, or nurse can decide together what makes the most sense for your particular depression.

If you’re taking medication, there are a few important things to consider. Ask your prescriber about potential side effects, and be sure to let an adult know if you experience any. One thing to remember about medication (or talk therapy, or workbooks) is that it doesn’t always work right away, and some days will still be better than others. Medication usually takes a few weeks to kick in, and longer than that before it starts working best.

The important thing is that you take your medication regularly and as prescribed, not changing or missing any doses, even when you start to feel better.

Sgt. Mind’s Best Lines and Worst Lies

Sgt. Mind is very likely to be throwing misunderstandings your way. The myths below are things Sgt. Mind would have you believe about yourself and depression. Do any sound familiar to you?

Sgt. Mind’s lines may seem accurate, but check in with other people and your own authentic experience about whether they are really as true as they sound.

Making Sense of Different Mood Disorders

Depression can be experienced in many ways on its own or as part of other issues. As graduate students in psychology, we sat in endless lectures and read countless books to understand all the various psychological issues people struggle with. Summarizing those hours we spent learning about depression, it is important for you to understand these facts:

Here are a few short descriptions of depression-related conditions that commonly affect teens like you and your classmates, teammates, and friends.

The main differences between these mood disorders are the ways mood changes, the intensity of these changes, and how long the changes last. All of us experience changes in our moods every day, but for people diagnosed with one of these types of disorders, the mood changes and intensity are getting in the way of school and relationships. And they have to be diagnosed by a mental health professional, not themselves, a parent, a friend, or a teacher. There are a few other things that can affect moods, such as hormones, seasons, substances, sleep, and nutrition, as well as other medical conditions, so a physical exam is essential.

Shifting Your Perspective

Close this book for a moment, and take a look at the word “depression” on the cover. Really look at it; in fact, put it right up to your eyeball. How much can you really see of the world when depression is in your face like this?

Now slowly move your hands away, so that you can see the word and the cover, then back farther so that you can see the whole room, and the text is just a small part of your view.

That’s how we want to change your relationship to depression—not to pretend it isn’t there, but to make it smaller and yourself bigger so that it doesn’t block out everything you see, especially when it blocks seeing what’s actually going well.

Instead of telling yourself that you’re depressed, try to shift toward a stance of having thoughts. Try saying to yourself, I’m having the thought that I’m depressed. Or even, Depression is visiting. How does this sound compared to saying that you’re depressed? This attitude creates a small space between the thought and you, in order for choice and possibilities to occur.

You can also think, Sgt. Mind is telling me that the world is a terrible place, that I’m terrible, and nothing will ever work out. What happens to your experience of Sgt. Mind–like negative thoughts about depression when you shift them like this? Are they as intense as usual, or do they ease a bit?

Sgt. Mind wants you alone, disconnected from your body and mind, looking at yourself, the world, and the future with the dark glasses of negativity. He does so because he wants to keep your world small and safe. He’ll tell you all his negative, critical things through sensations and physical reactions in your body, in your thoughts and mental images, and in what you do (and don’t do) in your interactions with others. That’s why the bio-psycho-social approach is important: it gets at all the places where Sgt. Mind has an unhelpful influence, and helps turn things around.

In this book, you will learn how mindfulness—the open-eyed opposite of Sgt. Mind—can help you see things clearly, connect with others, link up your body and mind to function as a unit, and go after what matters to you now, in the present moment.

Sgt. Mind plays it safe and traps you in suffering. Mindfulness and positive psychology may feel risky at times, but when you open up, the suffering tends to fade. Which feels more doable to you?

Unearthing the Positives

We want to end this, well, depressing chapter about depression on a high note. One big part of this book is positive psychology: the idea that our strengths are just as important as our so-called weaknesses. They are certainly more important in helping you work with your depression.

You’ll look more closely at your strengths in chapter 4. For now, imagine you’re brainstorming a book about your life, written many years from now as you look back at what got you through the hard times and made you stronger. Consider these questions as you come up with ideas.

What is your greatest strength?

What is one hard thing you have overcome?

What helped you through that hard time in the past?

What is one thing others admire about you?

What words of wisdom would you offer a struggling friend or sibling?

Pick at least one role model who has overcome adversity. Why do you admire that person?

What is at least one important positive event that has shaped you into the person that you are?

Which people can you rely on who have had or continue to have a positive impact on you? (Consider teachers, friends, classmates, teammates, coaches, family, clergy, counselors, and others.)

What inspirational quotes, poems, and songs have gotten you through hard times in the past? Can you put one on your mirror, or make it the background of your phone or computer?

Remember, this is your life, your story. No matter what Sgt. Mind tells you, don’t write a story that leaves out all the effort you’ve put into taking care of yourself.

Down and Out or Up and In?

In this chapter, we offered some basic definitions of depression and explored some of the ways it can manifest in different people. As you finish up the chapter, you may still hear Sgt. Mind barking orders and expressing doubt. If not, great; if so, don’t worry—you’ll learn to manage him in the coming chapters.

What have you learned from this chapter about how depression gets you down in your mood so that you’re checking out of daily life?

What specific strategies or ideas from this chapter might help you lift your mood up and move you in toward people and activities?

What one strategy, idea, or tool are you willing to put to use in the next twenty-four hours? Write it here, and commit to doing so.