I haven’t said a word to Rocco about Hera, earning me a few meaningful looks and the inevitable sexist remark, “Must be that time of the month then.”
If it were anyone else, I would have opened up to him, but I can’t give him a suitable answer when he asks why. Although I do know I’ll have to tell him sooner rather than later.
I’ll just tell him to ask his aunt why we broke up before we even got the chance to get properly started.
When Caitlin comes into the shop, I just want to disappear. I’m not interested in whatever angle she has come up with to get me on her show. I’m in the sort of mood where I want to tell her to stick her arguments where the sun doesn’t shine—and to ask her to never mention her TV show to me again.
“Hello, hello.” She greets Rocco and me with a wide smile. “I’ll have a flat white and whatever you lovely people are having, of course.”
“Caitlin, darling,” Rocco says. “My mother won’t shut up about you. Will you put me out of my misery and come to dinner some time?”
“What a wonderfully passive-aggressive invitation. How could I possibly refuse?” Caitlin’s beaming like she’s having the best day of her life.
“Lovely,” Rocco says. “Anyway, let’s not pretend you’ve come to see me. I’ll just prep your order while you have a chat with Kat.”
If I had remembered Caitlin was coming over today, I would have asked Rocco to invent some sort of excuse for me. To avoid me needing to have yet another conversation I don’t want to have.
“Uh-oh,” Caitlin says as I sit down opposite her. “I detect a mood. Or is it just the Monday blues?” She cocks her head. “Things not working out as planned with Hera?”
I wave my hand. “That’s over and done with already, so.” I try to be stoic about it but tears sting behind my eyes nonetheless.
“Oh, shit. I’m so sorry, Katherine. That was very insensitive of me.” She reaches out her hand and puts it on my wrist. “Apologies.”
I inhale deeply. “It’s fine. And it’s for the best.” I briefly look her in the eye. “Please excuse me, but I’m really not in the mood to be pitched to. And I’ll never appear on your show, Caitlin. You need to let it go.”
“We don’t have to talk about the show.” Her thumb caresses my skin.
Rocco clears his throat before putting our coffees down. I can’t look at him either.
“Am I disturbing something?” he asks.
“Just give us a minute, darling,” Caitlin says.
“If it’s women stuff you’re discussing, I don’t want to know anyway,” Rocco says, but from the way he says it, I can tell he knows something’s up. Something else I haven’t told him. He saunters off.
“You’re very clearly cut up about this,” Caitlin says.
A tear escapes the corner of my eye. I quickly brush it away. “Honestly, we were barely together. I’ll get over it quickly.” I should get over it quick enough, even though it doesn’t feel like that will happen at all. But I’m just being silly.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Caitlin offers me a warm smile. “I know I’m loud and brash, but I’m a good listener. And I’ve seen a thing or two in my life.”
I look at Caitlin and I see all she stands for, with her open relationship and her life filled with love and brimming with sexual vitality. Yet, if there’s one person I know who could even begin to understand this, it might very well be her.
“Even though Hera broke up with me, I feel I gave her no choice. I feel like I made her do it so I didn’t have to say the words.”
Caitlin drinks her coffee but keeps her hand on my arm. She nods slowly, which encourages me to continue.
“We’re both mature women who’ve had quite the life, you know. We were both coming at this with loads of baggage. She with losing her long-term partner and me, well, you know my story. And I thought because of that, it could somehow work, but I failed to see that Hera’s reticence was much more about herself than about me. And I should have given her more time. I should have been kinder. Because now I feel like I’ve squandered my chances.”
“Kat,” Caitlin says softly. “What happened?”
“She—I—” If it’s hard for me to say, I imagine how hard it must have been for Hera. “She doesn’t want me. I mean, she can’t bear to be touched. In a sexual way.”
Caitlin nods again. “Does she identify as asexual?”
“No, I really don’t think so. If she does, she hasn’t said as such.”
“You need to stop beating yourself up about this. It’s not helping anyone,” Caitlin says.
“I just let her leave. And why? Because I wasn’t allowed to get her off? Maybe it’s the ex-hooker in me.” I nod vehemently. “It must be that. The hooker can’t get her new girlfriend off.”
“Here’s a suggestion.” Caitlin leans over the table. “How about I take you home? You’re in a right state.”
I sigh. “This is my business. We’ve only just opened. I can’t just take a day off.”
“Of course you can. There’s two of you, remember?” She gives my wrist a squeeze. “Leave it with me.” She makes to get up.
I quickly shoot out of my chair. “No,” I say sternly. “I don’t need anyone to do me any favors. I can take care of myself. I always have.”
Caitlin holds up her hands defensively. “Fair enough. Sorry to be so ‘Caitlin James’ about it.” She flashes me a smile. “But I mean it, Kat. You shouldn’t be working. You clearly haven’t told Rocco so just tell him what he wants to hear, that you’re feeling unwell, and go home. I’ll go with you. Let’s talk about this properly.” She steps from behind the table and puts a hand on my shoulder. “Let me help you.” She leans in. “I believe I can.”
She seems very sure of herself and I could do with some help today.
“Okay.” I make my excuses to Rocco, inwardly making a promise to myself that I will call him tonight to tell him about Hera and me, once I’ve regrouped a little.
“Do you think you can accept her the way she is?” Caitlin asks. She’s sitting in the same spot Hera sat in yesterday.
“No,” I say honestly. “I think I’d constantly try to fix her.”
“But that’s only because you don’t understand her. All compassion starts with understanding.”
“Compassion? I don’t want to be with someone I pity.”
“Compassion is not the same as pity. Come on, Kat.” Caitlin didn’t come here to easily let me get away with things. “You must know there’s a spectrum. All aspects of sexuality can be fluid. This includes the desire to be touched.”
“It’s not just that.” I huff out a sigh. “It’s her complete ineptitude to have a conversation about it.”
“Maybe that’s how you can help her.” Caitlin’s face softens. “I’m not saying it’s an easy thing. In fact, it’s hard. But worthwhile things are sometimes very hard.”
“Good god, no speeches, please. Doing what I used to do, I’ve seen some things too, Caitlin. Yes, it’s hard, and I don’t want it to be. All I wanted was to fall in love.”
“I’m not judging you,” Caitlin says. Unlike Hera yesterday, she has accepted a drink. She circles a finger over the rim of the glass. “I’m just trying to put things in perspective.”
I shake my head. “I appreciate that, but no matter what you say, Hera looked pretty determined when she ditched me, so even if I manage to look at things from a different angle, it’s not going to change her mind, nor is it going to change her.” Maybe I should look at the list of therapist names Hera gave me last weekend. I wonder what she’ll be talking to her own therapist about this week. Will she be able to put it into words for Jill?
“You don’t know that.” Caitlin puts her glass on the coffee table and fixes me with a stare. “I don’t know where you got the dream notion that the beginning of a relationship is always easy. Well, I can guess, of course. So much of our modern aspirations can be blamed on the ideals we see on television every day. But I can assure you that it’s not always easy. It certainly wasn’t for Jo and me.”
I huff out a chuckle. “I can imagine no relationship is easy for you in the beginning. Non-monogamy can be a hard sell to someone who’s falling in love with you.”
Caitlin shakes her head. “It’s not about that. I don’t go introducing myself to potential love interests like that. What I’m trying to say is that everyone’s complicated. Everyone has a story. The trick is to make your stories align enough so you can have a start together.”
“I don’t think that’s possible for me and Hera. Would we even be having this conversation if we stood a chance? Would I need all this convincing, first to convince myself and then to convince her?”
“You don’t know. You never know. There’s no answer to that question. The only thing you can do is try. If you feel it here”—she puts a hand on her chest—“then you owe it to yourself to try. I can see you’re hurting. I can see it means so much to you. That’s why I think you should try.”
“In your experience,” I take a breath and lean back, “do you think there’s a possibility that Hera will ever inch toward the other end of the spectrum?”
Caitlin smiles at me. “Not a day goes by that I didn’t wish I had a crystal ball.”
“You and me both.”
“The only real question you need to ask yourself, Kat, is whether Hera is worth it. Worth the wait. Worth the possible sacrifice you’ll have to make. Worth accepting how she is, now and in the future.”
“Then there’s the minor detail that she has made it abundantly clear she doesn’t want a relationship,” I say, not without sarcasm in my tone.
“Clearly, she’s fooling herself. Why else was she going out with you?” She drums her fingers on the armrest of the sofa. “Chances are, Hera hasn’t got things all figured out either. She’s probably just as miserable as you are.”
I can’t help it. A small flare of hope lights up in my chest. I want to believe Caitlin, although it’s mainly myself I need to believe in. In my capability to be the person Hera needs me to be. In my willingness to try.
“Should I call her?” My pulse picks up speed.
“I can’t tell you what to do, Kat, but, erm…” Something glints in Caitlin’s eyes.
“What?”
“If you and Hera get back together as a result of this chat, will you pay me back by coming on my show?” She laughs heartily.
“You are relentless.” I squint at her. “The answer is no and will always be no.”
“You can’t blame a girl for trying.” Caitlin winks at me.
Indeed, you can’t, I think, as I start coming up with my plan to get Hera back. Or, at the very least, have one more conversation with her. I’ll give her a few days. Make sure she’s had her appointment with Jill, who looked sensible and kind. Maybe on Thursday, I can get Hera to talk to me again.