It’s hard to walk into Jill’s office, especially after she has seen Katherine and me together. It seems like a lifetime ago that we were at Alyssa’s show at the gallery.
“Hera.” Jill greets me with a different kind of smile. She may think she knows what I’m going to say, but then she hasn’t taken a proper look at my face yet. “Sit and give me some good news,” she says.
My face must be expressionless, because Jill just gives me a hopeful smile.
“There’s no good news,” I say. “We tried and failed.”
“What does that mean?” The smile slides off Jill’s lips.
“It means that Katherine and I didn’t even make it through the weekend.”
“What happened? You looked so full of promise last Thursday? You could hardly keep your eyes off her.”
“I messed it up.” That knot that coiled in my stomach on Sunday is still there, still hardening—like a harsh reminder of what I said to Katherine. “It was good for a minute or two, but then I—I just had to end it. I’ve said it time and time again. I don’t want another relationship. Sam died. It was hard. I did the work; I grieved; built up my life again. That’s enough for me. I don’t need more.”
“I call bullshit,” Jill says. “But, please, do elaborate.”
She’s got my hackles up already. “Ever since Sam died, have I told you any differently?” I’m starting to get sick of everyone pretending to know me better than I know myself.
“Not in words, no, you haven’t,” Jill says.
“What else is there?”
“So much, Hera. So very much.” She crosses one leg over the other. “I was glad I saw you with Katherine. I like to think I can read people and situations rather well and there was plenty of chemistry between the two of you. I didn’t need to hear either of you speak to conclude that. I witnessed it. I felt it. So much promise. So, tell me, is it over already because you don’t want to be in a relationship at all, or because you don’t want to be in a relationship with her specifically?”
“Definitely not because of Katherine specifically,” I blurt out. “She’s amazing. She deserves much, much better than me.” A lump swells in the back of my throat.
“Why? I’ve been sitting across from you on a weekly basis for many years now and I can tell you for a fact that you’re no less than any other human I’ve ever met. So why, when you’re so clearly infatuated with Katherine, would someone else be better for her?”
“Because…” I should have canceled the appointment if I didn’t want to talk about this. “I don’t necessarily think there’s anything wrong with me, but ninety-nine percent of the population would disagree. Katherine included.”
“Did you have a difference of opinion?” Jill genuinely doesn’t seem to know what I’m getting at.
“You could call it that.”
Silence from Jill now. It’s up to me.
“We had… we had sex. Well, not really as far as she was concerned, I guess. I told you about this before. In the very beginning when I started coming here. I don’t seem to feel any need for sexual satisfaction. It just doesn’t interest me. It hasn’t for a while.”
Jill nods. “Of course I remember, Hera.”
“Which makes me rather unsuitable for a relationship. Unless I find myself a ‘pillow princess’, as Katherine referred to it.”
“A what?” Jill asks.
“A woman who, um, likes to receive but not give back.”
“Right.” Jill nods. “Well, I’m sure those women exist. There are plenty of men out there like that so why should it be any different for us?” She sends me a tight smile, making me wonder about her own personal situation for a split second.
“Maybe, but, honestly, I can’t be bothered going out looking for them. How would I even find them?”
“Let’s go back to Katherine for a minute,” Jill says. “When you say you had sex, do you mean that some things happened between you?”
I nod and swallow. The lump in my throat makes it difficult.
“And you enjoyed being with her like that?”
“Yes.”
“And, up to a point, she enjoyed being with you?”
I chuckle at Jill’s coyness—I’m in desperate need of a chuckle. “She most certainly looked as though she was enjoying it.” My chuckle turns into a wide smile at the memory. I take a few seconds to revel in it. In the memory of Katherine’s gorgeously voluptuous body, all of it ready for me. A surge of heat shoots through me, only to die with a sad whimper because of how swiftly it all ended.
“And you didn’t think you could take things from there? See where it went?” Jill asks.
“No, because that would be unfair. For starters, I’d be giving her false hope because I will never change.”
“But can’t you see you’ve changed so much already?” Jill says.
That gives me pause. I don’t feel like I’ve changed at all. I examine Jill’s face. Maybe it’s sad that my therapist knows me better than my own sister. I could never talk about any of this with Hilda. It’s just impossible. Just as impossible as me changing in certain ways. Or maybe I’ve become so entrenched in this idea I have of myself, that my mind can’t even envision the possibility of change.
“You have, Hera. And I should know. I have notes to fall back on. You’re nothing like the woman who first came to see me and, these days, you’re also no longer the woman solely defined by the loss of her partner.”
“That may very well be.” I did go back to work. I did, in my own way, sleep with Katherine. “But some things will never change.”
“Not necessarily, Hera.”
“You’ve lost me.” I look at her expectantly. I’m not that stubborn that I don’t want to change in a way that might give me another shot with Kat—I just have no clue how to go about manifesting said change.
“Change is not a big bang. It’s a slow, incremental process. It’s you, showing up here every week for all these years, doing the work. It’s you, taking a chance on life again by remodeling Rocco and Katherine’s coffee shop. It’s you saying yes to renovating Katherine’s kitchen. It’s you going through the process while barely noticing it. You wouldn’t have gone out with Katherine six months ago. Maybe even two months ago, you wouldn’t have gone to the gallery opening with her, knowing I’d be there. Ever so slowly, you’re opening yourself up to more aspects of life again. You’re allowing yourself to blossom again.”
“Maybe,” I say. “But—”
“No, Hera, no buts. Surely, you must have felt this as well.”
“Of course,” I admit. “Mainly because of Katherine, though. And now she’s gone.”
“Which brings us to the million-dollar question: do you really want her out of your life?”
“If you put it like that, then the answer is no. But, and I really do need this particular ‘but’.” I lock my gaze on Jill’s for a second before continuing. “She said so herself. Sexuality is very important to her and I don’t think she has it in her to accept me for who I am.”
“How about a different kind of relationship, then? A platonic one, for instance?”
“You mean that we should just be friends?” I shake my head. “I think that ship has sailed and, well…”
“What?” Jill insists.
“I’m very attracted to her.”
Jill quirks up her eyebrows. “Hera, let me tell you something, seeing as that is what you pay me to do.” She throws in a smile. “Regardless of the reasons, you’ve been sexually dormant for a long time. Then you meet this woman who is literally sparkling with vitality and sexuality. I met her and I’ve seen it. It only took me a split second to come to that conclusion. Of course you’re attracted to her. And, lo and behold, she’s attracted to you as well. Allow yourself to enjoy that sensation. It’s so much rarer than you might think.”
“But that’s just the thing. I can’t enjoy it.” The words come out almost automatically, but deep down I know they’re a lie.
“I think you can.”
I blow some air through my nostrils. “I thought this was meant to be a safe space. An hour per week where I can feel understood.”
“It’s not my job to understand you, Hera. Nor am I being paid to coddle you. My task is to make you see that you are worth exactly the same as anyone else and that, for that reason, you’re entitled to happiness. For the record, I believe we’ve made excellent progress so far.” She uncrosses her legs and leans her elbows on her knees. “Let’s sum things up, shall we? You have the hots for Katherine. She has the hots for you. Tell me, what’s the worst that could happen if you gave it another shot?”
“The worst has already happened.” My tone isn’t as insistent as before. I want to believe Jill with all my heart, but I can’t see how I can do that. It’s like I’m missing a step in between where my thought process is and where she wants it to go.
“But you have the power to undo it.”
“I don’t believe I have.”
“You do if you want to.” Jill grins at me. “I know you’re as stubborn as they come, Hera, but you’re never going to convince me otherwise. I can try to make you see these things, and ideally, I’d take more time to do so, to allow you to draw your own conclusion, but I think you might be running out of time when it comes to Katherine.” Her grin softens. “If only you could sit in my seat and see what I see when I look at you. If I could have held up a mirror to you last Thursday to show you the grin on your face when you stood next to her. Don’t deny yourself that any longer in your life, Hera. You’ve done that long enough. Don’t let fear take that away from you.”
“Fear?”
Jill nods. “The sneakiest, most damaging, most paralyzing emotion there is. Responsible for all missed opportunities in the universe.” She narrows her eyes. “Can I challenge you?”
I shrug. “You’re probably going to say that’s part of your job as well.”
“I want to give you a homework assignment, but I want you to start on it right here and now.”
“Okay.” I might as well go along with it.
“Get your phone out.”
I fish my phone out of my back pocket.
“Start a new text message.”
“To whom?”
“To whom do you think?”
“You want me to text Katherine?” The grip on my phone intensifies.
Jill nods. “And I’ll tell you exactly what to write.”
“No. You’re going too far.”
“I know I am. This is not professional. I’ll admit that. But I also know that if I ask you to contact her after you leave here, you’re going to find a dozen excuses not to.”
“You can’t force me.”
“Of course I can’t force you, but I can tell you, as someone who knows you very well, that you won’t regret it. And if you text her now, she may text back before the hour is up. I can then help you with a possible reply.” Jill sits there beaming a smile at me.
“But I need to think this through some more. We haven’t resolved the whole—”
“This is not something you have to think through any more, Hera. This is something you need to do.” She sends me another smile. “The best way to beat fear has always been action.”
I glance at my phone. I wanted to delete Katherine’s number last night, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it.
Something inside me lights up at the prospect of contacting her. And having Jill guide me through the process makes it easier.
“What should I write?”
“Hi. I’ve been an ass. Can we talk?” Jill says. When I look at her she has a goofy smile plastered across her face. “Just kidding.”
Even though this doesn’t really feel like the right time for a joke, I appreciate the lightening of the mood.
“How about this,” Jill says. “I miss you. Can we talk?”
My palms start sweating. “I miss you? That doesn’t really sound like something I would ever text to anyone.”
“You never texted Sam that you missed her?”
“She was always there. I never had a chance to miss her.”
“Not even when you first got together? Before you lived together?”
“That was decades ago.”
“What would you write? Put it in your own words,” Jill says.
I glance at my phone. At Katherine’s name in the ‘to’ field of the message. What would I say?
“I should probably apologize.” I look at Jill.
She nods. “That would be a good icebreaker.”
“Okay.” My fingers tremble as I start typing.
I’m sorry for all the things I said on Sunday. Can we talk?
“Now press send,” Jill says.
I do as I’m told. She was right. I wouldn’t have done this on my own at home—I wouldn’t have had the nerve.
Jill glances at her watch. “You can wait here until she replies, if you like. You’re my last client of the night.”
“If she replies,” I say. I put my phone on the table between us. I scan Jill’s face. I can’t help but think she’s getting something out of this as well. She has crossed the line between client and therapist, the line that she has insisted for years should always exist, twice this evening.
Maybe it was seeing each other outside of this office. Maybe she has gotten truly invested in my future with Katherine, which is either still possible or eternally doomed.
We’ll soon find out.