38

The next Saturday, Georgia Steward’s white van with Georgia’s Housekeeping Services painted in red on the side was parked behind Jason’s white Honda. Disappointed, Dawn figured she and Jason would just have to study today. At least they’d be together. Grabbing her book bag, Dawn slid out of her Sable. Mrs. Edwards wasn’t sitting on the porch this morning, but movement in the front curtains told Dawn the old lady was still watching. Annoyed, Dawn went up the steps and tapped at the door, expecting Jason to answer. His mother opened the door. “Hello, Dawn.”

“Hi.” Dawn plastered a smile on her face despite the cool look on Georgia’s. “I’m here to study with Jason.”

“Come in.” Georgia opened the door all the way. The drapes had been pulled back, allowing sunlight to stream in. Jason’s bedroom door was wide-open. She had seen his car in the driveway. Where was he? “Have a seat.” Georgia closed the front door.

Dawn felt her body tense. She put her book bag down and took a seat at the table. “Where’s Jason?”

Georgia sat across from her and folded her hands. “He’s gone for the day.”

“Gone?” Dawn’s heart pounded in alarm. Why hadn’t he called her? She felt increasingly uncomfortable under his mother’s scrutiny.

“He and Pastor Daniel took a little fishing trip. He didn’t know he was going until early this morning.”

Dawn felt the urge to take flight. “I should go then.” She reached for her book bag.

“Not yet.” Georgia’s tone was firmer this time, colder.

Leaving the book bag on the floor, Dawn eased back into the seat, knees trembling beneath the table. “Is something wrong?”

Georgia’s expression turned to one of disdain. “You could say that, couldn’t you?” Her knuckles whitened. “I knew what was going on between the two of you when Jason came home from Jenner. He couldn’t look me in the eye. I watched him sweat for a month and thought maybe the two of you had learned your lesson. And then Mrs. Edwards told me yesterday that you’ve been coming over every Saturday . . . to study.”

“We do study.”

Georgia reached into her pocket and put a crumpled, empty condom wrapper on the table between them.

Dawn felt all the blood draining from her face. She met Georgia’s glare. “I love him. And he loves me.”

Georgia’s face flushed. Her brown eyes grew hotter. “You don’t know anything about love! You’re a spoiled, self-centered little girl who wants what she wants and wants it now.” She leaned forward. “Your love has single-handedly ruined most of Jason’s chances to escape this trailer park. His grades have dropped. He no longer has the qualifications to get into UC Berkeley—or get a full scholarship to Stanford. He spent most of his savings buying that car so he could take you out. He hardly reads his Bible anymore, and his relationship with God used to be the most important thing in his life!”

Dawn flinched as Georgia stood abruptly and stepped away from the table. After a moment, she continued in a taut, restrained tone. “If you get pregnant, Jason will do the right thing. But I’d like to give you a picture of what your lives will be like if that should happen.” She sat again, more in control, eyes like black ice.

“Jason will have to give up all his dreams of college. He’ll have to find a job to support you and your baby. And what sort of job will he find with only a high school diploma? Minimum wage. Of course, he won’t make enough working nine to five to pay rent on a place as grand as this.” Her eyes swept the room derisively. “So Jason, being Jason, will want to do better. He’ll get a second job, which won’t please you because you’ll never see him. He’ll be working all the time just to keep a roof over your head and food on the table for the three of you. And then there are the utilities and medical expenses. Of course, you’ll be lonely. You’ll carry the full responsibility of taking care of your baby: changing diapers, nursing, getting up at all hours of the night. You’ll be exhausted. You’ll feel overwhelmed. The baby will be your only company. After a while, you’ll get bored sitting around the trailer. When Jason finally does make it home, you’ll complain he’s never around. He’s no fun anymore. He doesn’t make you happy.”

Dawn started to cry.

“Tears don’t work with me, honey.”

“Why do you hate me so much?” Wrapping her arms around herself, Dawn fought for control.

“I don’t hate you. I just don’t like you. Why should I? You’re ruining my son’s life!” Georgia sounded distraught, close to tears. She released her breath slowly. “He’s in love with you. Anyone can see that. He’s so in love he can’t think straight. He won’t listen to a word of caution. You’ve stripped him of his dreams, taken his innocence, and now you’re on the road to destroying his potential.” She let out her breath in frustration.

Dawn couldn’t raise her head.

“Look at me, Dawn.” When she managed to raise her head, Georgia stared at her. “What I see in front of me is a very pretty sixteen-year-old girl with no character and no substance. You have nothing at all to offer Jason, and you’re too willfully stupid and selfish to see or even care about the damage you’re doing to him. That’s not love. Not by any stretch of the imagination. You think you can live with your romantic daydreams. Fairy tales always end with ‘happily ever after,’ don’t they? You don’t know how wrong you are.”

When Georgia didn’t say anything more, Dawn spoke in a small voice. “Can I go now?”

“Please do. And don’t you dare come into this house again, not unless I invite you.”

Dawn got up quickly and headed for the door.

“One last thing.” Georgia still sat at the table, face turned away. “You’ll probably run straight to Jason and tell him everything I’ve said to you . . . or those parts that serve your purpose.” She looked at Dawn then, eyes glistening with unshed tears. “But remember this: Someday, Jason will grow up. And when he does, he’ll see the truth for himself.”

Dawn’s first instinct was to go to Granny and sob out her woe, but she quickly dismissed that idea. Dawn knew she could do no wrong in Granny’s eyes. Granny always took her side. If Granny knew she’d seduced Jason in the downstairs apartment, she’d be deeply hurt. She might start thinking Dawn was the kind of person who could live the wild life in Haight-Ashbury like her mother had.

What was Pastor Daniel saying to Jason right now? Was he hearing the same things Georgia Steward believed? That girl isn’t good enough for you. She has nothing at all to offer. She’s selfish, spoiled, carnal, and probably not even a Christian. What are you thinking, Jason? Why would you want to be with her?

She drove aimlessly for an hour, then went home. Her mother had an open house. Mitch and Christopher had gone bowling. Dawn went straight to her bedroom. Stripping off her clothes, she took a long, hot shower. She scrubbed and still felt unclean. Hunkered in the corner of the shower, she sobbed as the water pounded her. The air thickened with steam. She felt no better when she stepped out and dried off. Pulling on sweats, she got into bed. She lay there for the rest of the day, going over and over what Jason’s mother had said.

“Dawn?” Mom tapped at the door. “Dinner’s almost ready.”

“I’m not hungry.” When Mom opened the door, Dawn covered her head with a pillow.

“Are you sick?”

Lovesick. Heartsick. Sick with shame. “Just go away, Mom. Please.” She half hoped her mother would press harder this time, but she left quietly, closing the door behind her.

Hours later, the door opened again, a spear of light from the hallway intruding. Mom came in this time. She didn’t turn on a light. She sat on the end of the bed, but didn’t say a word.

After fifteen minutes, Dawn couldn’t bear the silence. She whispered, “Would you hate me if I told you Jason and I have been having sex?”

“No.” No questions, just a firm response, then silence again.

Dawn sat up slowly, bunching the pillow tight against her chest, thankful for the darkness. She wouldn’t be able to see her mother’s disappointment. “I went to see him this morning. He wasn’t there. His mother talked to me.”

When Mom still didn’t ask anything, Dawn went on talking, slowly, painfully, until everything spilled out in a flood of tears. When Dawn finished, she pressed her face into the pillow already damp from an afternoon of weeping. She felt her mother’s hand on her head.

“Words can be a sword to the heart, Dawn.” Mom ran her fingers gently through Dawn’s hair. “Sometimes there’s truth in them. Sometimes there isn’t. Go over what Jason’s mother said to you. If there’s any truth in it, you’ll have to decide what to do with it. As to the rest, try to let it go.” Her hand lifted.

Dawn curled into a fetal position. Her mother stood and pulled the covers up, tucking them in around her as though she were a little girl again. Leaning down, she kissed Dawn and whispered, “And try to forgive.”

Jason called Sunday night. He said his mom told him she’d come by. He apologized for not being there. “Pastor Daniel took me out to the coast. I didn’t know he was coming until he showed up.”

She said it was okay. She and his mother talked. He wanted to know what about. She said nothing much. Just small talk. No character. No substance. Nothing to offer . . .

“Dawn . . .” She knew by his tone what was coming. “I think maybe we should stop hanging out for a while.”

She couldn’t have prepared for the pain his words brought. She tried to press her lips together to keep from crying out. She hunched over, mouth open in agony. Shutting her eyes, she wanted to beg. She wanted to remind him they said they loved each other. Instead, she heard the echo of Georgia’s voice. Someday, Jason will grow up. And when he does, he’ll see the truth . . .

“Are you okay with that?” Jason sounded uncertain. Did he want her to say no? Did he want her to talk him out of it? And if she did, what then?

You’ll ruin his life. . . .

Dawn had spent all of Saturday night and all of Sunday thinking about what Jason’s mother had said, seeing the awful truth in it. Only one thing was false. She did love Jason.

She’d dreamed about Oma last night. She’d come like a vision, speaking words of wisdom. “When you know what you want in life, May Flower Dawn, go after it. Sometimes it doesn’t end up the way you planned. Trust God and it’ll turn out better.”

Dawn knew what she wanted. She wanted to be Jason’s wife. She wanted to have his children. She wanted to spend her life with him. And now she’d ruined it all. What had she brought into his life? Sin. Regret. Fear. Shame.

“Dawn? Are you there?”

Her breath caught softly, throat thick with pain and tears. “I think you’re right.”

She went into the kitchen and told Mom and Mitch she and Jason had broken up. She asked if she could transfer to the independent study program. She didn’t have to explain why. Mom said she’d call the school Monday morning and do everything she could to make that happen.

Dawn didn’t return to youth group until Kim and Sharon told her Jason wouldn’t be coming back because of his job. “About the only time I see Jason is at church on Sunday,” Kim told her. “He comes with his mom. He doesn’t come by the house and talk with Dad anymore.”

A month after Jason broke up with her, Dawn came home from independent study and found a message on her answering machine. “I love you, Dawn.” His voice roused all the pain and longing she had tried so hard to push down. He cleared his throat as though having trouble speaking. “I’ll love you forever.” Click. She sat on the bed and replayed it, letting herself wallow in regrets.

She didn’t know what to do about the Mexico mission trip over spring break. She’d received pledges of financial backing from Mitch and her grandparents. She had a certified copy of her birth certificate. But if Jason was going, she knew she shouldn’t. It would be too hard to be together. Sharon asked her why she hadn’t said yes or no, and Dawn admitted her dilemma. Sharon called the next day. “I talked to Jason. He’s not going to Mexico. He has to work. He said you ought to feel free to go now that you know he isn’t.”

Pastor Daniel might not share that opinion. She had no doubt Georgia Steward had talked with him about Dawn’s relationship with Jason. He might not want someone like her to be part of his team. Dawn needed to know one way or the other, but it took days to gather the courage to call him.

Pastor Daniel seemed surprised by her question. “Of course, I want you on our team.”

Maybe he didn’t know everything. Maybe Georgia Steward hadn’t wanted to share that information. “I didn’t want to take anything for granted, Pastor Daniel.”

“God loves a broken and contrite spirit, Dawn.” His quiet words dispelled any illusions about whether Jason’s mother had spoken to him. They also reassured her that Pastor Daniel wasn’t going to throw stones.

After all the talk of how a mission trip could change a person’s outlook on life, Dawn didn’t know what to expect. Hearing about poverty or seeing it on television ads wasn’t the same as being in the middle of it, smelling it, tasting it in the air. They drove down streets with houses tucked tight together, garbage dumped and rotting in the streets. Some people lived in shelters that couldn’t even be called shanties. What surprised Dawn most was the people: They smiled and shouted greetings as the Amor ministry team arrived. Children ran alongside the van, waving and calling out in Spanish.

After a night’s sleep, she and the others rose early and went to work building a twelve-by-fourteen-foot house for the Guttierez family. Dawn’s hands blistered, her back ached, and she smelled of sweat like any common laborer. When Pastor Daniel told her to take a break, she sat in the shade and watched some children kicking an old soccer ball back and forth. She wasn’t a great hod carrier or carpenter, but she knew how to play soccer. Dawn joined the children and showed off a few tricks she’d learned while playing for the Sky Hawks. Soon, children swarmed around her whenever she wasn’t working on the house.

On the last night, house complete, Senor and Senora Guttierez insisted on hosting dinner for the entire team. Leftover boards propped up on sawhorses acted as a dining table. Senora Guttierez and her teenage daughter, Maria, made a big pot of beans and chicken enchiladas with cheese. Senor Guttierez stood at the head of the table, tears running down his rugged cheeks, as he told them in broken English what it meant to him to have a house for his family. Senora Guttierez added her shy thanks, as did their five children.

Dawn went outside, sat hunched against the wall, and wept. Pastor Daniel came out and sat beside her. “What’s on your mind?”

“My bedroom is bigger than their entire house.” She covered her face. Had she ever once said thank you for the blessings she had received? Not that she could remember. And the Guttierez family hadn’t stopped thanking all of them since the day the team arrived.

“From those to whom much is given, much is required.”

And there it was again, that piercing stab of conscience. “I think they spent everything they have to put on this dinner.” What had she ever given to anyone?

“Probably, and they’re proud and pleased to do it. They count the ability to give as a blessing, too.” He got up and smiled at her. “Come back inside when you’re ready.”

Dawn sat for a while longer. These people worked hard and barely managed to get by. They wanted the opportunity for a better life for their children. Georgia Steward popped into her mind. “Your love has single-handedly ruined most of Jason’s chances to escape this trailer park.” Dawn leaned her head against the wall she’d helped build. Was that true? Not entirely, but enough so that it stung. Jason still had opportunities. So did she.

Before leaving the next morning, the CCC crew left the remaining food supplies, bottled water, building materials, and some tools. As soon as they crossed the border and started the long drive north to Anaheim, where they would stop and spend a day at Disneyland as reward for their labors, everyone fell asleep except Pastor Daniel, Mr. Jackson in the passenger seat, and Dawn in the back. While they talked, she sat in the back row, staring out the window and praying.

Who am I, God? Who do You want me to be? Oma said the plans You have are better for us than the ones we make for ourselves. My plans led me into sin and pain and regret and fear. God, I want to become a woman of character and faith. I don’t want to be a selfish, spoiled little girl with nothing to offer. Change me, Lord. Please change me.

Weary, head aching, Dawn leaned her head back against the seat. Pastor Daniel looked at her in the rearview mirror. His eyes crinkled the way they did when he smiled.

Back in Windsor, everyone piled out of the church van and started unloading. Some met up with waiting parents. Dawn had left the Sable in the church parking lot. Running a finger over the dusty trunk, she imagined what Papa would say and decided to go through a car wash on the way home. She stowed her duffel bag. Closing the trunk, she found Pastor Daniel standing by the car. “Thanks for going with us, Dawn.”

“My pleasure.”

“You worked harder than anyone on the team.” He gave her a teasing smile. “I didn’t know you had it in you.”

She gave him a sad smile. “Neither did I.”

Maybe it was a start.

When she pulled into the last space in Mitch’s four-car garage, Christopher bounded out to greet her. Mitch took her duffel bag. He said Mom was manning an open house. “You look worn-out, Pita.”

“I’m exhausted.” Dawn hugged him around the waist. “Thank you for my big, beautiful bedroom and the beautiful home and yard and pool and good food on the table and for loving me even when I’m a pain in the—”

“Wow!” Mitch laughed. “What happened to you?” He put his arm around her shoulders and steered her toward the door into the house. “It’s been my pleasure, Dawn. You look dead on your feet. They must’ve worked you hard in old Mexico. Why don’t you take a nap?” She thanked him and headed down the hall to her room. Mitch called after her, “Forgot to mention it, but you’ll never guess who stopped by my office for a visit.”

“Who?”

“Jason. He stayed more than an hour.”

Just the mention of his name was enough to make Dawn’s heart race. “Did he ask about me?”

“Briefly. He had some questions. He has to make decisions about his future. He’s weighing all his options. He said to say hi.”

Independent study helped keep Dawn’s mind occupied. She didn’t have to worry about facing Jason. She didn’t have friends or class disturbances to distract her. She could fix her mind on the work ahead. Rather than coast by, Dawn dove into her studies. She only had to go to Healdsburg High once a week to check in with the independent studies supervisor, turn in work assignments, and take exams.

All Sharon, Amy, and Pam talked about at youth group was the upcoming prom. Kim and Tom were going together. Steven Dial had asked Pam. Sharon held out hope hunk-of-the-month football fullback Tomás Perez would ask her. Amy worried that if anyone did ask, she wouldn’t be able to afford a dress. Dawn wondered if Jason was going and with whom, but didn’t ask.

Prom came and went, and conversations at youth group turned to finals and graduation, summer jobs and college plans. Half the members were finishing high school. Sharon and Kim were graduating and going to college. Amy’s father had been offered a better job in Dallas. With so many of her friends leaving, Dawn wondered if she’d even attend the CCC youth group next year. She felt out of it, on the edge again, not really part of anything anymore. She didn’t know what was happening on the Healdsburg High campus, nor did she care. What did all that matter, especially now that Jason was going away to college? “Somewhere in Southern California,” Sharon told her. “I just can’t remember which college. And he’s working construction over the summer. Down in San Jose, I think, with a friend of a friend of Pastor Daniel.”

Dawn had the feeling Jason Steward had walked out of her life. Whatever plans God might have for her now clearly did not include him.

She didn’t think her grief could go any deeper until Granny called on a hot August morning and said Papa was dead.