GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED
• Families are like fudge—mostly sweet with a few nuts.
• Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
• Carsickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.
Wise saying
It isn’t difficult to make a mountain out of a molehill; just add a little dirt.
Punster thinking
Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon.
INTERESTING SIGNS
Outside a muffler shop: “No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”
In a veterinarian’s waiting room: “Be back in five minutes. Sit! Stay!”
At the electric company: “We would be de-lighted if you send in payment for your bill. However, if you don’t, you will be.”
In a restaurant window: “Don’t stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up.”
In the front yard of a funeral home: “Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”
Pizza shop slogan: “Seven days without pizza makes one weak.”
On a plumber’s truck: “We repair what your husband fixed.”
In a nonsmoking area: “If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”
At an optometrist’s office: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”
In a podiatrist’s office: “Time wounds all heels.”
On a fence: “Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!”
At a pizza shop: “Buy our pizza. We knead the dough.”
At a tire shop in Milwaukee: “Invite us to your next blowout.”
At a car dealership: “The best way to get back on your feet—miss a car payment.”
In a health-food shop: “Closed due to illness.”
Sign that you’re at a bad fast-food place
The sign out front reads, “No shirt, no shoes, no reason you can’t get a job here.”
BUMPER STICKERS
• A word to the wise is sufficient, but who can remember the word?
• You can’t tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.
• It was a brave man who ate the first oyster.
• Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
• Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It’s just stale bread to begin with.
• Take my advice; I’m not using it.
• We have enough youth! How about a fountain of smart?
• Do you believe in love at first sight, or shall I drive by again?
• I don’t eat snails; I prefer fast food.
• I’m a driver cleverly disguised as a responsible adult. Please honk if anything falls off.
• Life not only begins at forty; it also begins to show.
• Old skiers never die; they just go downhill.
CHURCH BULLETIN FUNNIES
“Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Memorial Church. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.”
Church marquee
• Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due.
• Under same management for thousands of years.
Church bulletin bloopers
• Ushers will eat latecomers.
• Miss Mason sang, “I Will Not Pass This Way Again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
• The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals.
DID YOU KNOW?
Like fingerprints, everyone’s tongue print is different.
A duck’s quack doesn’t echo, and no one knows why.
Over 75 percent of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.
Life’s little reminders
Life is like a mirror; we get the best results when we smile at it.
Birthdays are good for you—the more you have, the longer you live.
How can you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?
A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home.
I don’t know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
Thoughts
Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.
I just received a new state quarter. It’s two dimes and a nickel taped together.
Last night I dreamed I was a muffler—I woke up exhausted!
If Cain and Abel were Siamese twins, would they be Cable?
On my first day of school, my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was . . . surrounded by trees and bushes.
The trouble with being a leader today is that you can’t be sure whether people are following you or chasing you.
Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
“We may be lost,” the husband said to his wife, “but at least we’re making good time.”
Hard work may not kill you, but why take chances?
Inserts
If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving is not for you.
Never pick a quarrel, even when it’s ripe.
Are you telling the truth when you lie in bed?
When I sing, people clap their hands—over their ears.
• Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.
• Every time I think about exercise, I lie down until the thought goes away.
• This sign was posted in a Grand Rapids furniture store:
• “Try Our Easy Payment Plan—100% Down—Nothing Else to Pay.”
Want a surefire way to get your kids to play with their old toys? Have a garage sale.
CONSIDERATIONS
• Why don’t we get goose bumps on our faces?
• The only place you can find success before work is in the dictionary.
You know it’s going to be a bad day when . . .
• You call suicide prevention, and they put you on hold.
• You turn on the news, and they are showing escape routes out of the city.
• Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
• Your income tax check bounces.
• You put both contacts in one eye.
• Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
Weird things you’d never know
• Elephants are the only animals that can’t jump.
• Women blink nearly twice as often as men.
• A dentist invented the electric chair.
• All polar bears are left-handed.
• A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
• Typewriter is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
Dilbert’s Rule of Order
When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
Bits and pieces
• Middle age: When actions creak louder than words.
• Two silkworms were in a race. They ended up in a tie.
FUNNY QUOTES
“If Noah had been wise, he’d have swatted those two flies.”—Helen Castle
There are two ways to reach the top of an oak tree—you can climb it, or you can sit on an acorn and wait.
The real art of a conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking places.
ONLY IN AMERICA
• . . . can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
• . . . are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
• . . . do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a Diet Coke.
• . . . do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
• . . . do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
• . . . do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Thoughts
A sign under a mounted fish: “If I had kept my mouth shut, I wouldn’t be here.”
Frequent naps prevent old age, especially if taken while driving.
Spotted on the back window of a small car being pulled by a motor home: “I go where I’m towed.”
Snowmen fall from heaven unassembled.
Simple rule
Don’t throw bricks straight up.
RIDDLES
Q: What do you say to a hitchhiker with one leg?
A: Hop on in.
This and that
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Q: Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
A: They all have phones.
Q: Why did the turtle cross the road?
A: To get to the Shell station.
Q: What is a small joke called?
A: A mini-Ha!-Ha!
Q: What did one hair say to the other?
A: It takes two to tangle.
Q: What did the sea say to the sand?
A: Not a thing; it just waves.
Q: What makes a tree so noisy?
A: Its bark.
The meek shall inherit the earth—after we’re through with it, of course.
Ever notice that a human baby doesn’t walk until it’s tall enough to reach a parent’s hand?
DID YOU KNOW . . .
It’s impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
THOUGHTS
The grass may seem greener on the other side, but both sides still need to be mowed.
Warning notice at a seminary swimming pool: “First-year-students are only allowed to walk on the shallow end.”
GEOGRAPHY TEACHER: Who can describe the English Channel?
STUDENT: We don’t get that channel on our TV.
All things being equal, big people use more soap.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
Facts of life
• You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
• God put me on Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.
• Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
• Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks two sizes.
• Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but he or she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.
It’s so hot in Texas that . . .
• The birds have to use potholders to pull the worms out of the ground.
• Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.
• The cows are giving evaporated milk.
Printed on the back of a leather jacket worn by a motorcyclist: “If you can read this, my girlfriend fell off.”
If you want the world to beat a path to your door, try taking a nap on Saturday afternoon.
Faith Statement: Speaking of ailments, don’t!
The equator is an imaginary lion running around the world.