MAN’S BEST FRIEND
A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As he laid the dog on the table, Doctor Buck pulled out his stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog’s chest. After a moment or two, the doc shook his head sadly and said, “I’m sorry, but your dog has passed away.”
“What?” screamed the man. “How can you tell? You haven’t done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!”
With that, the doc turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador retriever. The retriever went right to work, sniffing the poor dog on the table and checking him out thoroughly. After a considerable amount of sniffing, the retriever shook his head sadly and said, “Woof.”
The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat, which walked around the poor dog several times and then sadly shook his head and said, “Meow.” Then the cat jumped off the table and ran out of the room.
The veterinarian said, “There’s nothing more I can do.” He handed the man a bill for $600.
The dog’s owner said, “That’s outrageous! Six hundred dollars just to tell me my dog is dead?”
The doc shook his head sadly and explained, “If you had taken my word for it, the cost would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the cat scan . . . $600!”
Bad dog
At the end of the workday, an officer parked his police van in front of the station. His K-9 partner in the back of the van began barking.
A little boy standing nearby asked, “Is that a dog you got back there?”
“Yes,” answered the policeman.
The little boy looked puzzled as he asked, “What’d he do?”
Less common sense
Two inexperienced hunters bought a bird dog. They took the dog out to give it a try. After a long while one man said to the other, “Well, we’ll throw him up in the air one more time. If he still doesn’t fly, I guess we’ll have to return him.”
Answering the question
A man walked into a bar and sat down next to a man with a dog at his feet. “Does your dog bite?” he asked.
“No,” said the man.
A few minutes later the dog took a bite of the man’s leg.
“Hey! I thought you said your dog doesn’t bite.”
“That’s not my dog,” replied the man.
The new dog
An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.
As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink, but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet.
The friend saw everything but did not say a single word.
On the drive home, the hunter asked his friend, “Did you notice anything unusual about my dog?”
“Yeah,” responded his friend. “Your dog can’t swim.
The answer
During a countywide drive to round up all unlicensed dogs, a patrolman signaled a car to pull over. When the driver asked why he had been stopped, the officer pointed to the dog sitting on the seat beside him and asked, “Does your dog have a license?”
“No,” the man said. “He doesn’t need one.”
“Yes, he does,” answered the policeman.
“But,” said the confused young driver, “I do all the driving.”
Another dog-in-the-bar story
A guy walked into a bar with a small dog. “Get out of here with that dog!” yelled the bartender.
“But,” insisted the guy, “this just isn’t any dog. This dog can play the piano!”
“OK,” sighed the bartender. “If he can play that piano, you both can stay . . . and drink on the house.”
The dog starts playing ragtime, and the bartender and patrons were happily enjoying the music. Suddenly in came a bigger dog that grabbed the small dog by the scruff of the neck and dragged him out.
“What was that?!” asked the bartender.
“Oh, that was his mother. She wanted him to be a doctor.”
A man tried to sell his neighbor his dog. “This is a talking dog,” he said, “and you can have him for five dollars.”
The neighbor said, “Who do you think you’re kidding with this talking dog stuff? There ain’t no such animal.”
Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes, “Please buy me, sir,” he pleaded. “This man is cruel. He never feeds me, bathes me, or takes me for a walk. And I used to be the richest trick dog in America. I performed before kings. Why, I was in the army and decorated ten times.”
“Hey!” said the neighbor. “He can talk. Why do you want to sell him for just five dollars?”
“Because,” said the seller, “I’m getting tired of all his lies.”
Hiding his feelings
An easterner walked into a Western saloon and saw a dog sitting at a table playing poker with three men. He asked, “Can that dog really play cards?”
One of the men answered, “Yeah, but he’s not much of a player. Whenever he gets a good hand, he wags his tail.”
Talking canine
A man had a talking dog. He brought it to a talent scout. “This dog can speak English,” he claimed.
“OK, Sport,” the owner said to the dog. “What’s on the top of a house?”
“Roof!” said the dog.
“Oh, come on” the talent agent responds. “All dogs go ‘roof.’”
“No, wait,” the guy continued. The he asked the dog, “What does sandpaper feel like?”
“Rough!” the dog answered.
The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare.
“No, hang on,” the guy said. “This one will amaze you.”
He turned to the dog and asked, “Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?”
“Ruth!” the dog responded.
The talent scout, having seen enough, booted them out of his office onto the street.
The dog turned to the guy and said, “Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?”
Following orders
A very spiritual couple felt it important to own an equally spiritual pet. So they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in a particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home.
That night they invited friends over to see their new pet. They were so proud of their new dog and his skills they couldn’t wait to show him off. So as soon as their guests showed up, they called out their dog and put him through his tricks.
The guests were quite amazed. One of them asked, “Can he do any of the ‘normal’ dog tricks?”
“Well, we never thought about that,” answered the husband. “Let’s try one.”
He turned to the dog and clearly pronounced the command, “Heel!”
Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man’s forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.
Mike kept telling the teacher that his dog ate his homework. We didn’t believe him until his dog graduated from Yale.
ALL GOD’S CRITTERS
Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand at the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
Confession
A man went to the confessional. “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”
“What is your sin, my son?” the priest asked.
“Well,” the man started, “I used some horrible language this week, and I feel absolutely terrible.”
“When did you use this awful language?” asked the priest.
“I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a power line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about a hundred yards.”
“Is that when you swore?”
“No, Father. After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away.”
“Is that when you swore?”
“Well, no. You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons, and flew away!”
“Is that when you swore?” asked the amazed priest.
“No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew toward the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball.”
“Did you swear then?”
“No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole.”
The priest sighed, “You missed the putt, didn’t you?”
Gender miscommunications
A man was driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman was driving down the same road in the opposite direction. As they passed each other, the woman leaned out the window and yelled, “Pig!”
The man immediately leaned out his window and replied with “Hog!”
They each continued on their way. As the man rounded the next corner, he hit a pig in the middle of the road.
Putting down the truth
Sign seen in a veterinarian’s office: “All children left unattended will be given a free kitten.”
Q: What do reindeer have that no other animals on earth have?
A: Baby reindeer.
Shocked
Some racehorses were staying in a stable. During the lazy afternoon, they began talking about their racing records.
One of them began to boast about his track record. “I’ve won eight of my last sixteen races!”
Another horse said, “Well, I’ve won twenty out of my last twenty-seven races!”
“Oh, that’s good, but out of my last thirty-seven races, I’ve won thirty-two!” bragged yet another horse.
At this point, they noticed that a greyhound had been listening.
“I don’t mean to boast,” said the greyhound, “but I’ve been listening to your records. I have to say that I’ve won eighty-nine out of my last ninety-one races!”
The horses were clearly amazed.
“Wowwwww!” said one after a hushed silence. “A talking dog!”
Short stories
A rancher asked a veterinarian for some free advice. “I have a horse that walks normally sometimes, and sometimes he limps. What shall I do?”
The veterinarian replied, “The next time he walks normally, sell him.”
Safe?
A young man was driving along on a country road on the way to see his girlfriend. As he passed a field filled with beautiful wildflowers, the idea struck him to stop and pick a bouquet of flowers. He pulled over on the side of the road and scooted under a fence.
He had barely begun romping through the field when he became aware of a rather mean-looking bull not far away, with head lowered and an evil look in his eye. The young man quickly looked around for an easy way out or for some help.
Far away, leaning comfortably on the fence, stood an old farmer taking in the situation but keeping quiet.
The young man called out to him, “Hey, Mister! Is that bull over there safe?”
To which the farmer shouted back, “Safe as can be, son. I can’t say the same about you, though.”
One solution
A man went to the board of health and complained, “I’ve got three brothers. We all live in one room. One of my brothers has six cats, another has five dogs, and the other has a goat. The smell is terrible. Can you do anything about it?”
The man thought about it and then asked, “Well, why don’t you open the windows?” asked the man.
“What?” exclaimed the complainer to the health employee, “And lose all my pigeons?”
Smart sheriff
A farmer lived on a quiet, rural highway. But as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six per day. So one day he called the sheriff’s office and said, “You’ve got to do something about all these people driving so fast and killing all my chickens.”
“What do you want me to do?” asked the sheriff.
“I don’t care. Just do something about those drivers!”
The next day, the sheriff sent the county workers out to put up a sign that said, “Slow: School Crossing.”
Three days later the farmer called the sheriff and said, “You’ve got to do something about those drivers. The school crossing sign seems to make them go faster.”
So, again, the sheriff sent out the county workers to put up a new sign: “Slow: Children at Play.”
That really sped them up. So the farmer called and told the sheriff, “Your signs are doing no good. Is it all right for me to put up my own sign?”
The sheriff, also at his wit’s end, answered, “Sure thing; put up your own sign.”
Three weeks later, the sheriff decided to call the farmer. “How’s the problem with those drivers? Did you put up your sign?”
“Oh, I sure did,” answered the farmer. “And not one chicken has been killed since then.”
So the sheriff decided to drive out to the farmer’s house and check out the sign. Written in large yellow letters on a black sign: “Slow: Nudist Colony.”
Quick question
Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because if they did, they would be called bagels.
Sure, you can lead a horse to water; most folks can . . . but if you can get him to float on his back, then you’ve really got something!
Why, Mom?
A mother and baby camel were talking one day when the baby camel asked, “Mom, I have a question. Why do I have these huge three-toed feet?”
The mother replied, “Well, son, when we trek across the desert, your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand.”
“OK,” said the son.
A few minutes later, the son asked, “Mom, I have another question. Why do I have these great long eyelashes?”
“They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert.”
“Thanks, Mom,” replied the son. After a short while, the son returned and asked, “Mom, here’s one more question. Why do I have these great big humps on my back?”
The mother, now a little impatient with the boy, replied, “They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert so we can go without drinking for long periods.”
“That’s great, Mom! So, we have huge feet to stop us from sinking, long eyelashes to keep the sand out of our eyes, and these humps to store water. But, Mom . . . ”
“Yes, son?” asked the mother.
“I have one last important question: Why are we in the San Diego Zoo?”
Sending aid
Betty, who is very independent, likes to feed the pigeons in the park. One day she brought with her a whole loaf of fresh bread just to feed her daily company. Little by little, pinch by pinch, she fed each pigeon with joy.
Then suddenly a man rained on Betty’s parade by telling her that she shouldn’t throw away good food on a bunch of pigeons that can find food anywhere when there are a lot of people starving in Africa.
Betty said, “Well, maybe, but I can’t throw that far!”
Greenhorns
A New York family bought a ranch out West where they intended to raise cattle. Friends visited and asked if the ranch had a name. “Well,” said the would-be cattleman, “I wanted to name it the Bar-J. My wife favored Suzy-Q, one son liked the Flying-W, and the other wanted the Lazy-Y. So we’re calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y.”
“But where are all your cattle?” the friends asked.
“None survived the branding.”
Zoo story
A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence.
However, the ’roo was out the next morning, just sauntering around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he got out. When the fence was built forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, “How high do you think they’ll go?” The kangaroo said, “About a thousand feet, unless somebody thinks to lock the gate at night!”
TEACHER: We can learn from the ants. Ants work very hard every day. The ant works all the time. And what happens in the end?
STUDENT: Somebody steps on him.
Two snakes were crawling along when one asked, “Are we poisonous?”
The other said, “Yes, we’re rattlesnakes. Why?”
The first replied, “I just bit my tongue.”
Trying to nail a duck
One day a duck walked into a convenience store at two o’clock. “Do you have any duck food?” the duck asked.
“No, we don’t have any duck food,” replied the clerk.
“OK, thanks anyway.” And the duck walked out.
The next day at two o’clock, the duck walked in again. “Got any duck food?” he asked.
The clerk became a little annoyed, “No! We don’t have any duck food.”
“Fine,” answered the duck and walked out.
The third day at two o’clock the duck walked in and asked the same question. The clerk lost his temper. “I’ve told you twice; we don’t have duck food. We’ve never had duck food, and we never will have duck food. If you ask me again, I’ll nail your feet to the floor.”
The next day at two o’clock the duck walked in “Got any nails?”
“No,” answered the clerk.
“Good. Got any duck food?”
The bear facts
Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear. He shot at it, but only wounded it.
The enraged bear charged toward him. He dropped his rifle and started running to the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast, but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.
The man jumped up, closed the cabin door, and yelled to his friend inside, “You skin this one while I go and get another.”
A lady went into a pet shop. There was a parrot on his perch. She said, “Oh, I’ve always wanted a parrot. I’m going to buy it.”
The man said, “Now lady, I’m just not sure you want that bird. He talks all right, but he curses and talks very ugly.”
She said, “I can retrain him. I’m going to buy him.”
Sure enough, one day he ripped out all the expletives you could imagine. She was so upset. “I’m giving you another chance. You say, ‘Yes, ma’am,’ when I correct you. OK?”
He forgot and spouted off again, so she put him in the freezer. Sometime later, she took him out, frost all over his feathers. He was rigid, his beak blue! When he thawed out, the owner said, “Now, don’t talk like that anymore!”
The parrot said, “All I want to know is, what in the world did that turkey in there do?”
