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Hospitals were meant to do good. I knew that. They were created with the hope to save lives. Technically, they’d even saved mine.
I still hated them. While they saved lives, they scarred people too.
My doctor was on the third floor. The fourth floor was where I stayed during my recovery. I wasn’t going to either floor today though. For the first time, I was going higher, to floor five for in-patient hospice care. Justin had sent me directions on where to go. The entire journey, I rubbed at my chest. If a doctor saw me, they would probably freak out thinking I had chest pains.
I’d been told reporting chest pains to doctors was a good way to stir up trouble. I was tempted to ask a doctor for help. It felt too much like my heart was being squeezed too tightly. That couldn’t be good, right?
My nerves were high. It wasn’t until the elevator doors closed and I began to go up did I realize I was about to meet Justin’s dad. The man who had murdered his wife. Justin’s mother. The man who hurt Justin. Nearly killed him.
Anger swirled inside of me and I had to swallow it. This wasn’t about me or my emotions. This was about what Justin needed and whatever that was told him I could give it to him. So I needed to do that.
The anger ebbed, but that space filled with fear instead. I was about to meet an abuser.
My breaths came in faster.
A man who’d proved he was capable of hurting others. I was about to be near him.
As the elevator doors opened to let me out, I nearly threw up right then and there. My feet wouldn’t move. All my instincts were screaming don’t get off.
The doors closed.
That spurred me to move as I hit the button to open the doors again before the elevator moved. Thankfully, I did it fast enough and the doors slid open. Before I could overthink it again, I stepped out of the safety of the elevator and into the empty, sterile hallway.
The deep breath I took tasted like cleaners and something else a bit bitter. It tasted heavy. I leaned against the wall and stared at the elevator doors. It’d be so easy to leave, to put more distance between me and Justin’s dad.
It’d be safer to do it.
But Justin needed me. And he’d never let anyone hurt me. I truly believed that. He was overprotective, and it’d been alluded to me that it was to a degree that could put him in an illegal situation. I saw hints of it with how much he watched over me, especially at school.
Justin would never let anything happen to me.
I repeated it over and over again, letting that belief settle my nerves.
Justin would keep me safe.
“Okay.” I pushed off the wall, checked the signs hanging there, and went to the reception area. After signing in and having the nurse confirm what Justin had already told me, I headed further down the hall, closer and closer to Justin and his dad.
Finally, I could hear soft voices as I approached a door partly opened. I had to pass by a window first so I paused and glanced inside. Justin was sitting in a chair, facing me as he looked down, talking to his dad with a closed off expression.
A man with black hair lay in the bed. For a moment, I became confused, trying to equate this thin, weak man to someone capable of taking life. His right arm was resting on top of the bed, tubes hooked up to it. It took me a moment to even realize it was an arm, his limb so scrawny, no muscle. Could he even lift his arm?
I went to his face. I couldn’t see it, only seeing dull black hair as his head was turned toward Justin. The man looked so small in the bed. It practically swallowed him whole.
This was the man who had given me anxiety just moments ago. The same man who killed his wife and nearly Justin too.
He wasn’t much of a man anymore. He looked like he was about to float away. A surreal moment hit me. It felt too much like I had worked up the monster under my bed to be something massive and vile, only to look and find a mouse instead.
Looking away from him, I focused on Justin, trying to figure out his mood.
He wasn’t giving too much away, sitting stiffly, jaw tight, hands in his lap. Something his dad said had him sitting up straight. He looked up and met my gaze. As soon as he saw me, I could clearly see something in him relax, as if a burden had already been lifted with my presence.
I didn’t move to go in, my feet planted to the floor. It didn’t look like a situation where I should have. So I stood in the hallway, just watching Justin, waiting for him. I was here for him, and I was making sure he knew I was here.
They talked for a few more minutes in low murmurs. It was hard to tell what they were saying. At least Justin seemed to be a bit more renewed. Eventually, he stood up, said something else to his dad, and came out.
Not once did I ever see him touch his dad.
Justin closed the door and then leaned against it, tilting his head up as he closed his eyes. All of him screamed out in anguish. He wasn’t crying, but he certainly looked like he wanted to. I went to his side and grabbed his hand, giving it a squeeze.
I wanted to convey so much to him, but at that moment all I could send his way were vibes to let him know that I was there for him.
Another minute of complete silence passed until he finally opened his eyes.
“Are you ready to leave?” I asked softly.
He nodded, swallowing hard.
I got it. Words were impossible for him at the moment. I’d been in that situation, where if I opened my mouth, all that would come out would be a scream. Where it felt like my throat was closing and I was choking. Justin was feeling a lot right now and I needed to let him feel.
Taking lead, I kept hold of his hand as I led him back to the elevators. I pressed the button, and when it opened, I pulled him onto it, hitting the button for the first floor.
The doors closed and he still didn’t say anything. Once the doors opened to the first floor, I pulled him through the reception area, and then through the doors and outside. I paused there and looked at Justin.
He just stood there, looking despondent. A little broken. I gave him that moment to feel the cold air. To let it sharpen his mind and wake him up from the nightmare that was dragging him down.
His chest expanded as he finally drew in a full breath, letting the air bite at his lungs. Only when he released it did I pull him with me to my car.
Still, he didn’t say anything when I started the car and drove us far, far away from that damn hospital and the man dying in it.
When I’d finally opened up to Justin about my past, it was at this small little spot by the river. I drove us there this time, knowing he needed more time to be lost in his head and this was his spot. He needed his spot.
Justin didn’t say anything as I came around and coaxed him out of the car. Nothing as I led the way to the river. And still nothing as I pushed him to the ground to sit and listen to the roaring water. We’d gotten enough rain this past week for the river to be flushed, current fast.
I sat next to him, ignoring the biting cold of the ground as I grabbed Justin’s hand and continued to hold it, running my thumb along his skin. My job at the moment was to just remind him that I was there for him. To let him know he wasn’t alone.
I could do that. Easy.
The rushing water distracted me and my own thoughts began to drift to all my own problems. There was so much I still needed to resolve. Half of them were being resolved by my lawyer, but the others were things I needed to make decisions on.
What did I want to do with my dad? What kind of relationship did I want to have with him?
What about school? After this year, what was I going to do?
The guys. What did I want from them? Did I take that leap like Peyton told me? Should I be more upfront and just talk to them? Toss it all out there and figure it out sooner rather than later? That scared the shit out of me. Talking about dating and feelings always scared the shit out of me.
“I hadn’t seen him in over a year.” Justin finally spoke, voice thick. “Then suddenly, Aunt Laura is telling me he’s dying and they’re releasing him. That because he doesn’t have family able to take care of him, he’ll be in hospice care until the end. Suddenly, I’m facing all these decisions and thoughts and I don’t know what to do. And no one has any answers for me.”
“Answers to what?” I asked. Justin had a small scar on the back of his hand. I never realized it existed until that moment; it was so faint, nearly faded. It started just where his thumb joined his hand and stretched down toward his wrist, just a little over an inch long. I traced it, letting it hold my focus.
“Should I stay by his side? All anyone tells me is that it’s up to me. But I don’t know what I want. He killed my mom. Beat the shit out of me. Sent me to the hospital. But he’s also the only immediate family I have left. My only remaining blood relative. He’s it. And soon I won’t even have that. I don’t know what I want. I’m only seventeen. What the fuck do I know?”
Angry frustration slipped into his voice as he spoke. He tightened his grip on my hand.
“I can keep seeing him. Keep being subjected to all the shit he did to me. Relive it all. But not just that. The good too. There had been good before and even in between. It wasn’t always shitty, and those memories are there too. Or I can abandon him. Let him die alone and in misery. I could do that too. I need someone to tell me what to do.”
Justin’s blue eyes cleared finally as he stared at me, as if expecting me to have the answers he needed. It broke my heart. Truthfully, I didn’t have an answer for him. This was his to decide. I could, sure. And he’d do it too. I could see that. He’d latch on to my answer and run with it. But if I chose wrong, what would happen?
I’d have to bear his regret. His anger.
It made me feel like a coward.
“I want to tell you,” I admit. “I want to give you an answer, but Justin—”
“Don’t,” he said a little harshly. “Don’t answer like the rest of them. Like Aunt Laura and Toby and Seth and Paxon and Bryan. Don’t give me that same bullshit answer. It’s bullshit. It’s a coward’s answer.”
Blinking back tears, I swallowed the shredded words I nearly said. Glancing around, I wasn’t sure what to give him. What could I do to end his despair? All I could go off of was what I had needed when I had been given the choice to protect my own mother or to let her rot.
To give him what I had wished someone had given me.
I licked my lips. “I just want to make sure whatever you decide to do, you won’t regret it.”
“Don’t—” He was shaking his head again, drawing back. Away from me. “He’s a dying man. He won’t last much longer. I need to know what’s right.”
“Exactly,” I said, drawing on my lesson from Peyton about speaking authoritatively. It was the only way to ensure Justin heard me. He needed me to take control, but this wasn’t something anyone could take control of. I could hold his hand. Lead him to where he needed to be. Let him bask in his thoughts while being by his side. But this. I couldn’t make this decision for him. I took in a sharp breath and moved, pushing away any thoughts about how intimate this was becoming.
Instead of overthinking it, I positioned myself so I was sitting on Justin’s thighs, my knees on either side of him. I rested my hands on his shoulders and made sure I had his attention.
I definitely did as he hyper focused on me. I had his attention now. I swallowed hard, trying to not get choked up. He wanted to desperately grab on to someone and I let him. His hands went to my waist, stilling me on top of him, holding me tightly in place.
“Justin, you need to decide. You do. No one but you can. And that’s fine.” I reached up and played with the hairs at the back of his head. “And if you’re wrong, then you’re wrong. But you aren’t alone. Whatever you choose to do, I’m here for you. If you want to abandon him, never see him again. Then I’m here to help you.”
“He’s dying,” he croaked out.
“That’s true.”
“Abandoning him is cruel. I’m his son.”
“Maybe. But he’s also done cruel things to you. He probably already expects it.”
“If I do what’s right, I stay by his side.”
I licked my lips. Justin followed the movement. “What’s right isn’t always what’s best.”
“I really don’t know what to do.”
I cupped his cheeks and made sure we were looking at each other. Leaning in closer, I was only inches from him now. His rock-hard body became granite under my touch. He was barely even breathing. Strands of black hair fell softly across his forehead, almost reaching his dark blue eyes. I pushed them away, making sure we could see each other clearly.
I kept my stare steady and somber. I did to him what I did to myself way too often in order to face my emotions, especially when I had to convince myself that dad was never going to come back. Or when I had to tell myself that my mother didn’t love me. That what had happened to her was my fault.
I lied to him like I had to lie to myself so often.
“Justin. Your father has passed away. He is dead.”
His eyes widened in shock, his mouth popping open. He swallowed hard, his Adam’s apple bobbing. I leaned even closer, my voice dropping to a whisper. “He’s no longer here. He’s gone. Buried in the ground.”
His eyes shimmered, tears filling them.
“Justin.” I made my voice firmer. “Your father is dead.”
The tears fell. He took in a shuddering breath, hard enough to shake me.
I close the space, resting my forehead against his, relaxing my body, my eyes half closed. “I think you have your answer, no?” I used my thumb to wipe away his tears.
My heart shredded at what I did to him. Was it too much? Too cruel? It worked for me, but was this the right thing to do for him?
Justin grabbed my hands and squeezed them tight as he pulled them down to rest between us. His eyes were half closed as well, but still on me.
Justin’s captivating gaze drew me in as he dove into the depths of my being. Even now, I felt a bit raw as his eyes stayed glued on mine. He was a man of few words but of many expressions and right now his expression told me he wanted to kiss me.
I leaned in and he met me, gently pressing his lips to mine. His kiss was delicate, filled with hesitation and uncertainty. I responded to his gentleness, making sure he understood that I wanted it too. We kissed slowly as Justin built himself back up again. I let him take the lead, let him set the pace, gave him what he needed. I liked kissing Justin, I liked how my body warmed on top of him, how my stomach turned into a net of butterflies. How strong it made me feel knowing I was giving him what he wanted.
I’d be more than happy to sit here and kiss him for hours if that was what he wanted.
Finally, Justin drew back enough to rest his forehead against mine, eyes fully closed now, chest heaving. I wrapped my arms around him as he pulled me tighter against him. It felt like he was trying to fuse our bodies together, leaving no space between us. He nestled his head into the curve of my neck, his warm breath tickling my skin.
“I guess I do have my answer. I’m scared though,” he finally said.
“You called me and I came,” I said, turning and placing a quick kiss against his neck, liking how he shivered against me. “I’ll do that every time. Call me and I’m there. No hesitation. No matter what I’m doing or who I’m with. And I have a sneaking suspicion that if you called the others, they’d be there for you too.”
Justin buried himself deeper against me, his body shaking. I didn’t need to see his face to know he was crying. His breaths were uneven and every so often, shaky as he fought his emotions. He had finally broken down, releasing all those he’d bottled up. I tightened my hold on him and began humming a song my dad used to sing to me as a kid when I was sad. It was a solemn tune that simply reminded the other person that they weren’t alone, that the singer was there for them.
I wanted Justin to know that. It was important for him to understand.
He wasn’t alone. I was here with him for as long as he needed me. Even if my feet began to tingle. Even as the pain in my back began to make itself known. None of that mattered because at the moment, Justin needed me, and truthfully, I needed this too. This reassurance.
We weren’t alone.
It was a long time before Justin felt settled enough to pull away from me. I climbed off his lap and tucked myself into his side. He wrapped his arm around me, holding me close, and then we silently went back to watching the roaring river.
Only when Justin’s phone began going off every few seconds, filled with messages of concern from the others, did we finally stand up and head back. This time, Justin held my hand and safely led me back to my car, finally feeling strong enough to take the lead.
