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The long drive home did nothing to distract me from what had happened. Micah kept trying to ask me questions and get me to talk. Even the twins. But all I could see was Justin, furious, throwing punches at another student. Benji never had a chance.
Seeing Justin like that scared me. I knew he knew how to fight, but he had never exploded like that. I had even seen Paxon get into a small fight at school, and to make it worse, it was with Benji back then too. But not Justin.
“I know something happened, and I hope once you get out of your head, you’ll talk to me,” Micah said in a soft voice. Then he was gone, leaving me gaping at him.
Fuck. I did it again. I fucked up with Micah. I leaned against the steering wheel, resting my head against it as I slowly breathed in and out, trying to calm myself. Before backing out, I sent Micah a quick text, apologizing and promising to call him.
As soon as I got to my house, I grabbed my guitar and went to the backyard.
I hadn’t really spent any time back here. There was a small patio space filled with the old set of furniture from Seth. The back of my house butted against the property of another house, but with trees, a fence, and space between the two backyards so I still felt like I had plenty of privacy.
After getting comfortable on a wicker chair, I messed around with my guitar, making sure the strings were good and properly tuned. I strummed through a couple of songs, letting the soft notes wrap around me, comforting me. My emotions mellowed out, my thoughts slowing down.
I got lost in the music, letting it soothe me from head to toe. Music for me was like holding on to a favorite stuffed animal, or wrapping myself in a blanket. It was how I learned to self-soothe myself when I had no one else to help me through my emotions.
It was already pretty dark outside, but Bryan had set up my backyard with lights when he installed my security system. They were on, leaving only shadows far away from me. The cold air bit at my skin and I began shivering, and yet still, I didn’t want to move. I remained there, playing my guitar. No lyrics, no thoughts about work.
Just my calm mind to keep me company.
I was so engrossed in my guitar that when a warm blanket was put around my shoulders, I nearly screamed.
“What?” I turned to see a smiling Paxon.
“When did you get here?” I asked.
“Just a little while ago. I hope you don’t mind me coming in?”
I shook my head. “That’s why you all have keys, right? In case something happens?”
Paxon grabbed a nearby wicker chair and moved it closer to me before sitting down. “How are you doing? We got worried when you didn’t respond to any of our texts.”
“Oh. I left my phone inside.”
Paxon smiled. “I figured.”
“How are you doing?” I asked. “You should be feeling good about the win. But I also know the celebration wasn’t the best.”
“I’m happy for my team. Disappointed in Benji. Sad for Justin. Sore as hell.”
I licked my lips. “Where is Justin? How is he doing?”
“He’s with Aunt Laura right now. He came back home with Dad and me.” Paxon leaned back, taking off his beanie and resting it in his lap as he ran his fingers through his hair. His arm dropped to his side as he stared at the sky. “He’s quiet. Withdrawn. I knew shit wasn’t going easy with him because of his dad. I just didn’t think he’d burst like that. I haven’t seen that happen in a while.”
“He’s beaten up people before?” I asked, not liking the way that tidbit of information sat in my stomach.
“No, actually. He of all people knows the power violence. He usually takes it out on himself. And that’s why I’m worried.”
“What aren’t you saying?” I asked.
“I don’t know. Knowing Justin, what he did is going to make things worse.” Paxon sighed. “I’m worried about him. I didn’t mean for things to go that direction.”
“You were doing what you needed to do, drawing lines with the others, letting them know exactly how you felt. Benji took it too far,” I said. “It shouldn’t have been that messy.”
“You got hurt.”
“So did Justin.”
Paxon shook his head. “It isn’t the same. He... You shouldn’t have gotten hurt.”
“And neither should have Justin.” I glared at Paxon. “Nor Benji. No one should have gotten hurt.”
Paxon sat up and leaned forward, getting a closer look at my face. “How is your jaw? It’s bruising pretty badly.”
“I applied some cream already. It’ll be fine.”
He pressed his lips together, his hands curling into fists on his thighs.
“No one did anything to me on purpose. It was only an accident.”
“I know.”
“Then stop looking so angry. Who are you even angry with?” I asked.
“Myself,” Paxon snapped. “You shouldn’t have gotten hurt. That wasn’t supposed to happen like that. And yet it did because I opened my mouth at the wrong time. I knew they were going to be mad. I’m pissing on their dreams. I proved I’m good enough to get what they can’t but decided not to continue playing.”
“You already explained yourself to them. If they can’t accept your choices, that’s on them to get over. They don’t get to run your life.”
“I know that! But they’re my teammates. We talked so much about the future. About soccer.” He lowered his voice. “I can’t help but feel like I really did shit on their dreams. And then you got hurt because of it.”
“I already told you it was no one’s fault.”
“But isn’t that why we’re doing this, all of us dating you. Because none of us want you to be hurt. And yet, with us all right by your side, it still happened.”
My heart twisted with his words.
“Are we doing something wrong?” I asked. “Do you not want to date me?”
“No! No, that isn’t what I’m getting at. We aren’t doing anything wrong. As long as it doesn’t feel wrong to you, then it’s fine.”
I frowned. “But what about you, does it feel wrong to you?”
“I want to be there for you.”
My heart sank. “That isn’t an answer.”
“I don’t... I don’t know how to respond.” Paxon was beginning to look really flustered. “I’m doing what I think I should. I just want to be with you, I know that much. Sharing you with the others, that’s something I’m going to need to learn how to wrap my head around.”
“I don’t want you doing something you aren’t comfortable doing.”
“I love the guys. They’ve been my friends since practically my whole life. If you asked me and they were strangers, it’d be a hard no. A fuck no, no thoughts needed. But it’s Seth and Justin and Toby and Bryan. They’re practically my brothers, and I want their happiness as much as my own. Taking that away from them feels too much like cutting my limbs off.”
“And forcing yourself to do something you aren’t comfortable with isn’t right either,” I said.
“Cadence, I’m in. I’ve already given this a lot of thought. Did pros and cons. Went through a million and one scenarios. And my decision always comes down to being your boyfriend when I know you have other boyfriends. It’s knowing that your heart is big enough for me and for others. I’m not backing down from this. If I do, I feel that in ten or twenty years from now, I’ll look back and realize this was my biggest regret in life, that one thing I wished I changed but didn’t. I don’t want that.”
“No regrets?”
“None. I’m happy when I think about you.” He smirked. “And all the adventures we can get up to, the two of us, and sometimes the others. I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future, but I don’t want to think about an ending before we even had a chance to do anything. So I’m going to give this my all. I wasn’t lying when I said I was in. I’m honored to hold the title of your boyfriend.”
Vulnerability slipped into my voice as I quietly asked, “You’ll tell me, right, if you change your mind? Please. I won’t hate you. I won’t be mad. I just need to know.”
“I will, I promise. I just need time to adjust, that’s all. I’m exactly where I want to be.”
“Okay,” I said. Yet, still my stomach felt like it was falling endlessly from his words. I truly didn’t want to force him into anything or make him believe he had to do it because the others were doing it.
That wasn’t the kind of relationship I wanted to create.
“So what are you doing out here?” Paxon asked.
“I’m just making noise,” I said, letting him change the topic.
“I doubt that. You never make noise. I’m not even sure you know how to just make noise.”
I forced a smile and pushed away all the heavy thoughts. “Well, I should start thinking about what I want to do for a small little event I’m going to do in two weeks.”
“Oh? What kind of small event?” That seemed to perk Paxon up.
“I got invited to join a streamer. He’s putting on a Thanksgiving event to raise money for cancer research for children. I’ll get on, perform and then be done. Easy enough and it’s for a good cause, so I thought why not. I’ve never been a part of a live stream like that before.”
“Oh, Toby has a few streamers he likes. I think he mentioned them doing a huge fundraiser that he was interested in watching. He’s going to flip out when he realizes you’re in it. What song are you going to sing? Are you going to do that thing, I think it’s called looping.”
“You know about looping?”
“Toby wants to learn.”
“I could do that,” I admitted. “I have the equipment for it. I was thinking more about doing a little DJing session.”
Paxon’s smile stretched wider at the news. “Oh, we haven’t seen you do that in a while. That could be good.”
“It’d shake things up a bit, I think. I already researched the streamer and the charity. It’s all upstanding and I’m familiar with what he’s using to collect donations. All the proceeds will go directly to the charity.”
“See, this is why you’re amazing. You aren’t just doing this so you can boast about doing something good. You genuinely want to do good and you make sure you are. You check that stuff.”
“Shouldn’t it be a basic thing to do? If I’m going to be a part of something, I need to make sure it isn’t going to be a scam. People are going to give away their money. Some of them probably can’t even afford to give it away, but they will, because they care. I at least can make sure that the money they are donating is being sent to the charity and not to someone’s bank account.”
“Does that happen?”
I shrugged. “More times than I’d like.”
“That’s fucked up.”
“It is what it is. So I do my research. I might be a little excited about doing this stream. I never did anything like it, so I’m curious.”
“Careful about letting Toby know, otherwise, he’ll have you all set up to become one of the streamers.”
I laughed at that. “You think so?”
“He’s crazy about that stuff.”
“I think I’m busy enough without adding that to my schedule. Is he really curious about looping?”
“I think he’d teach himself if he could afford to buy the equipment. And he already threatened Bryan not to waste the money. I think Bryan wants to buy it for him for Christmas.”
I thought about what I had. I could teach him. Toby seemed like the type who would have the most fun looping. I was okay with it and it was useful when I was creating music. It was a good way to layer the music together a bit more smoothly.
Paxon got comfortable in his chair and we spent more time together. He even dozed off while I messed around with my guitar. It was nice not to work on any particular project. I could turn my brain off and just enjoy the sounds my guitar made.
A buzzing sound woke Paxon up. He sat up and rubbed at his face as he looked at his phone.
“Seth is yelling at me. We should probably head to bed. It’s been a long day and we still have to go to school tomorrow.”
“What time is it?” I finally asked.
Paxon showed his phone to me. It was almost midnight. I hadn’t realized I’d been out here for so long.
“Come on, I’ll walk you over to Seth’s before I head home.”
“Is your dad going to be mad at you?”
Paxon shrugged. “About being late? I think he’s still too happy about the victory to really be mad at me. And I told him I was checking up on you, so I think he’ll understand.”
Paxon held his hand out and I grabbed it. He lifted me to my feet with ease. We went through my house, putting my guitar away and making sure everything was locked up before going over to Seth’s.
Seth sat on his steps with Bebe at his side, enjoying being petted.
“Everything okay?” he asked.
“Yeah,” Paxon said. “I’m heading out. Take care of our girl.”
A flush of embarrassment surged through me when they called me ‘their girl.’ I’d never belonged to anyone, at least not in this way. The concept of dating was foreign to me and I had never bothered with it. The intimacy of it was something I couldn’t afford in the past. As I glanced at Paxon and Seth, I savored the way their attention caused warmth to flood through me. It was all too new and exciting.
With them, I could finally explore dating. Lindie wasn’t around to stop it. I smiled at them, knowing I had all the time in the world to enjoy these new experiences.
Seth saw my reaction and even winked. “Of course, I’ll take care of our girl”
I ducked my head down to hide my face. “Good night,” I said, giving Bebe a quick pat before slipping by Seth and heading upstairs to the room I stole. Their chuckles chased after me as I went upstairs.
Paxon didn’t leave right away, like I had expected. It was a few more minutes before I heard Paxon’s car start up and his headlights briefly lit up my room.
