| |
~Paxon’s POV~
“Are you okay?” Seth asked.
“Why wouldn’t I be?”
He nudged me with his shoulder. “This should be a time to celebrate. You guys won. You’re going to State.”
I rubbed the back of my neck. I was sore, exhausted, and frankly, angry. I’d been angry for weeks now. When we put Benji in his place during the Halloween party, I had hoped it would help. We had come up with a plan and it was successful. But I was still pissed off.
“I’ll be happy when this season is over. I like my teammates mostly. I’m just over it now. I’m over a lot of things.” I leaned against my car and looked up at Seth’s house, biting back my jealousy. The window to Cadence’s room was lit up and I briefly saw her shadow behind the curtains.
Another thing I had to deal with.
Cadence was in there and I was out here. I’d get into my car and head home. Seth got to go back inside and spend more time with her.
I lied to Cadence.
This whole idea of her dating us was hard to wrap my head around. I was struggling a lot. But I didn’t want to be left behind either. I wasn’t lying then, about regretting not trying. I had to give this a solid shot. My coach always stressed that if we hesitated to kick, we were guaranteed to miss. At least if we did take a shot, we had a chance.
I wanted my chance.
Sighing, I pulled my beanie down further on my head.
“What aren’t you telling me?” Seth asked.
I tried to keep from frowning, but when Seth raised his eyebrow, I failed miserably. “I’m just wrapping my head around what happened with Justin. And Benji. Shit, man. This is just all stupid. I don’t get Benji anymore.”
Seth joined me, leaning against my car, thinking hard about something. “Didn’t the two of you used to be close?”
I snorted. “When we were little kids. He became an asshat in junior high and I was dealing with enough at the time with Mom. I don’t know what to do with him anymore.”
“From what I saw, he’s done enough to hopefully learn a lesson. Getting into a fight with scouts around.”
“If he hasn’t realized it yet, he will know soon what he’s done. His dad is going to be pissed.” From what I remembered, his dad wasn’t the best. Not the worst, but the man was obsessed with soccer and expected a lot out of Benji when it came to the sport. It was common to have his dad on the sidelines yelling at the coach whenever Benji didn’t get to play. I got why Benji was so angry. I had opportunities he needed if he wanted to make his dad proud. As far as I knew, he hadn’t been offered anything yet for soccer. But it didn’t give him the right to go after Cadence like he’d been.
“Are you feeling bad for him?”
I shook my head and pushed off the car. “Just mad. And frustrated. Like why did it come to this? Why is he like this? His comments about Cadence have been nasty and I have no idea why. But then I think about that video. He had never publicly treated girls like that. It makes me sick to think about.” I climbed into my car. “And now I’m worried about Justin. Dad was able to calm him down, but he shut down. I don’t know.” I glanced over at Cadence’s room again. “I have way too much to think about.”
“Anything I can help with?” Seth rested his hand on my shoulder. It was comforting, a strong reminder that he was there for me. Seth had always been there for me. For all of us.
“No.” I shook my head. “No. I just need to get things straight in my head.”
Seth sighed. “I know things are weird right now.” He spoke slowly, picking his words carefully. “I can’t help with the other stuff, but I can help with Cadence. At least maybe answer some of your questions.”
I snorted. “I feel like I’m in the doorway of some kind of new life and I’m still not sure if it’s what I want.”
Seth was about to say something but instead stepped away from the car, expression a bit blank. Even I had trouble knowing where his thoughts were.
“Get some rest, Paxon.”
For some reason, his response wasn’t what I expected. “That’s all?”
“I don’t know what you want me to say. About Benji? I have nothing to say. He’s someone I don’t want around Cadence. Or around any of you really. About Justin? Well, we’ll see where his head space is tomorrow. And about Cadence? I’m excited for this chance, but you need to decide for yourself. And if this isn’t what you want, then we need to work through that. But you need to figure it out first. I can twist your arm, make you try this with us, but I don’t want you resenting us down the line. This is all on you.”
Finally his facade cracked and I could see the sadness and worry that seemed to weigh him down in that moment. But I also saw something else too. An eagerness I never saw from him before. Hope.
“I already told her I’m in,” I said softly. When I said it at the moment, it felt so true. Very much what I wanted. But with time and distance from the moment, all the doubts were coming back. And that was the issue. When I was with her, I was okay. I got giddy with excitement. But when I was away from her, away from the situation, I began questioning everything.
“Yes, you did. And if you want out, it’s better to figure that out soon before it goes much further and feelings begin getting hurt in a way that won’t be recoverable. Or if you are truly in, then we have other stuff to talk about. Go sleep, Paxon. Rest up. You have to be exhausted and that only makes your thoughts worse.” He closed the door for me and headed back into the house.
I glanced back up at Cadence’s bedroom window before finally pulling away. Her light was off and there was no sign of her. I had to fight the urge to go back inside to see her.
Seth was right on one thing at least. Sleep was very much needed. My thoughts were becoming too muddled to work anything out.
