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The way the school seemed to celebrate, it was like they won the Olympics or something. I quickly got used to all the random chants echoing from classrooms and through hallways. By the time Tuesday came around, that excitement dulled for me, quickly becoming background noise as I got over it.
What I wasn’t over was how Justin was around, and yet he wasn’t. And when he was, it didn’t take him long to disappear.
Give him time.
Over and over, the others kept telling me that.
He just needs space.
If that was the case, then why did it feel so wrong? There was this thick wall between us, and I didn’t know what to do with it. And I was so scared that he’d stew for too long and then he’d drown.
He had attacked Benji. Hurt him. And now it was clear that it was eating him up inside. Rumors of the incident had spread by lunch on Monday, and it only got worse because Benji didn’t come to school. Then everyone really saw the damage when he walked in on Tuesday, feeding the rumors even more.
Justin never said anything about what happened. He hadn’t really said much of anything at all. He opted to stay to himself and go swimming every time he had a free moment. I was also pretty sure he was sneaking off to the pool during the study hall periods. Acting like that couldn’t be healthy. It just couldn’t. And how long would he last?
By the end of Tuesday, I was confused and ready to hunt him down, but I had to take off to meet with Dr. Arason for our weekly appointment. Feeling defeated once again after being completely ignored by Justin after study hall at the end of the day, I headed out. Maybe Dr. Arason could help me figure out what to do. I hoped. Justin had looked absolutely exhausted all day.
As soon as I sat down in front of my therapist, she knew it wasn’t going to be a good session. She patiently sat across from me in her own chair, her graying blond hair pulled into a ponytail that hung over her shoulder.
Briefly, I wondered about grandmothers. I’d never met mine and I was pretty sure they were all dead too. I knew Lindie’s parents were gone. I wasn’t quite sure about Dad’s. Yet, looking at Dr. Arason, curiosity filled me.
“Want to tell me what happened to cause the bruising on your cheek?” she asked softly, knowing I wasn’t going to start talking on my own.
“Someone fell on top of me and accidentally hit me when he was getting up,” I said. “Not a big deal.”
“So not related to why you’re upset right now?”
“I didn’t say that.”
“Would you like to say it?”
I sighed and glanced around the medium-sized office. It was clean, everything in its rightful place. A huge window stretched across one wall, blinds currently closed for privacy. Her large bookshelves were filled with thick books, all organized neatly. Her degrees hung nicely over a large filing cabinet. There were some plants around the space, simple artwork. It was a good space, perfect for therapy sessions.
“Cadence?”
I swallowed hard. “Justin got into a fight on Sunday. It kind of led to me being bruised.”
“Did he hit you?”
“No!” I shook my head furiously. “I already told you how I got the bruise. He never touched me. He beat up another student who was being aggressive and provocative with me.”
“If you’re comfortable with it, can you tell me what this other student said?”
I bit at my lip briefly before caving and going into the details of what happened, how everyone reacted, why I got hurt. And that led to talking about how I hadn’t been able to have a decent conversation with Justin because he kept going off on his own. As far as I knew, no one was able to have a conversation with him.
When I drew in a breath to continue talking, Dr. Arason held her hand up, letting me know she wanted my attention. “Cadence, I’m going to ask you something, and I want you to take a moment to truly think about what it is I’m asking you, okay?”
I nodded and swallowed, not sure what to think.
“What are you afraid of?”
I blinked, not expecting that question.
“I—”
“Think about it before you answer me. What are you truly afraid of?”
I snapped my mouth shut and let her question swirl around in my head. What was it that had me so on edge? That haunted me? What was the reason I was so scared and worried?
Licking my lips, I finally answered her. “I’m afraid Justin is going to disappear.” My answer came out thick and hoarse, the heaviness of it suffocating me. I sniffed, feeling the tears trying to push out. My eyes burned as I kept talking. “I’m afraid that I’m going to lose him because of what happened.”
“You think he’ll disappear like your dad?” Dr. Arason asked.
I squeezed my fingers, trying to keep the courage to talk. It wanted to run away. I wanted to run away. “Yes.”
“Like Micah?”
“Micah?” I stared at her, confused. “What does Micah have to do with this?”
“Cadence, you know loss in a way that not a lot of people do. Your loss itself may be something you see as common. There are plenty of diverse family dynamics out there. But yours is one that is deeper than that. Your loss has led to a lot of trauma with your mother. Your dad disappeared from your life completely. Your mom changed too, you lost her in the sense of her being a mother.”
“I wouldn’t say she was ever a mother.”
“But she was when your dad was around, right?”
I grimaced at how true that was. “She may not have been a perfect mom, but there were moments when you had a mom, but when your dad left, you lost those moments too. Micah is more of a minor point. You continuously lost him every time your summer camp ended. Your best friend physically gone.”
“I think you’re stretching it a bit,” I said.
“Am I?” Dr. Arason asked genuinely, like she really wanted to know. “In that case, then I apologize. I can only make inferences based on what you tell me, and we’ve talked about Micah extensively a few times, especially in regard to your ability to connect with him.”
“He’s my best friend. I connect with him just fine.”
“But he doesn’t feel that, right? The last two arguments you told me you had with him were around you being unable to open up to him. Because he felt like you were pushing him away, hiding things from him. Was that wrong?”
I clenched my jaw. It wasn’t wrong. Again and again, I was reminded how terrible of a friend I was being to the one person who has stuck to my side since we were kids causing trouble at camp. All those late-night phone calls, pouring our fears and secrets to each other. And yet he was finally in front of me, and it was different. For some reason, I struggled talking to him like I did when he lived across the country. It scared me.
“Why won’t you open up to Micah?”
“I think we’re getting off track,” I mumbled.
“From my perspective, it’s the same with Justin, right? He’s someone important to you. I’m not sure how because you avoid that when it comes to your new friends, but he’s precious to you. And you feel like you’re losing him. You’re feeling that trauma of loss again. So, will he become another Micah?”
“No!” I nearly jumped out of my seat.
She raised an eyebrow. “Then how is it going to be different? Will you let him pull away? Will you keep your thoughts and your fears to yourself?”
“I can’t lose him,” I admitted. I curled my hands in my lap, trying to keep still even though I wanted to get up and start moving. “It feels the same, like when I went to my first ever competition. I was scared. It was a small competition—the audience was filled with only family and friends of competitors—but I was still so scared. And I went out on that stage, and I played the piano, and I failed. I kept making mistakes. Over and over, faster and faster. And it was just a complete failure that wouldn’t stop. And it feels the same with Justin. Like he’s on that stage, all by himself, and he’s scared, and he just keeps making mistakes. I don’t know how to help him. To show him that competitions aren’t always solo. I’m even willing to learn to play the violin so I can accompany him.”
Damn. I was going so far into this analogy I wasn’t sure what I was talking about anymore. Yet, it felt right. Exactly what I was feeling.
“And it feels like if he hits that last note, and it’s wrong, he’s going to be gone. He’s never going to go on that stage again. He won’t try anymore, even when he has so many people by his side, cheering him on.”
“Then join him,” Dr. Arason said. “Don’t let him do it alone.”
“But if he doesn’t want me?”
“If he truly doesn’t want you there, then you have to respect that.”
That answer was terrible. I hated it. But I also got it too. Was this what led to the guys always saying to give him space? Because he refused any help from them. Had they tried to help him when he didn’t want it and it only pushed him away?
But there was a limit to giving someone space, especially when they were so absolutely overwhelmed. Between watching his dad die, and then hurting a student, and all the stress of life, he could just as easily be overwhelmed. In that case, giving him space wouldn’t be a good idea.
“You look like you have an answer now,” Dr. Arason said.
“Maybe. I don’t know.”
“You don’t know?” she asked.
I thought about that. Reluctantly, I said, “I do.”
I needed to know if Justin was going to pull away so far that there was no way to mend our relationship. One that had only just began. Hadn’t had time to get anywhere, really. Still, though. I needed to know. I refused to live in limbo, in wondering. I had done that for the past seven years after Dad left. I wasn’t going to wait for anyone anymore.
~*~
What I wanted to say to Justin formed slowly as I drove to the recreational center after my appointment was over. I needed to get the signup sheet going and check in with the others on the plans for the concert.
I still didn’t quite have it down by the time I pulled into the parking lot. Waiting impatiently for me was Cal with Paxon grinning at us.
“Why aren’t you inside playing?” I asked as I joined them.
Paxon shrugged. “Mini-me wanted to wait for you.”
Cal grabbed my hand and nearly pulled me along into the building. “I want to make sure I’m the first to sign up.”
“Uh huh.” We walked into the sign-in area, and I was hit with a wall of noise. Kids were laughing and screaming. The receptionist’s smile widened when she realized it was me.
“Cadence! We were looking forward to seeing you,” she said. “They said you agreed to help with the concert?”
“How could I say no to that?” I asked. “Anything to help you guys out. I just wanted to stop in to see if a sign-up sheet has been posted yet?”
“No, not yet. They wanted your input on it first.” She dug around the desk before pulling out a folder and passing me a sheet of paper.
“Let’s get this little man signed in and then we can get this up,” I said.
Cal was jumping at my side, trying to see the paper. I laughed and showed it to him. It wasn’t anything special. Just the event information along with lines for people to sign up.
Paxon got his little brother and us signed in and then we went in.
“Go play with them,” Paxon said.
“No, I want to be first,” Cal said.
“How about before I hang it up, I tell you?” I asked.
That seemed to work and then Cal was running off to join the other kids. I watched him briefly as he joined a couple of other boys about his age. They were all holding tennis rackets, talking with each other. They seemed to welcome him in.
Smiling, I went over to one of the tables and looked over the form. I added in another column for people if they had any specific songs they wanted to do.
“Thank you,” Paxon said.
“For what?” I absently asked, adding a couple other notes to the form.
“Calvin.”
I finally glanced up at Paxon. He was leaning back in his chair, feet stretched out as he faced to watch his brother and the other kids.
“I’m not doing anything special,” I said.
“Since it’s only the three of us at home, and I’ve always been so busy with soccer, Calvin hasn’t been able to do the things he wants to do. And let’s be real. I’m a sports guy, but Calvin’s interests are more aligned with yours. The guitar and singing. We haven’t been able to support him like he should have been. Like I was at his age.”
I frowned. “What do you mean?”
Paxon took his beanie off and tossed it on the table as he ran his hand through his hair. My own fingers twitched, wondering if his hair was as silky soft as it looked.
“I’ve always played soccer. Since I knew what a ball was and discovered I could kick it, I played soccer. Both my parents supported me. Dad would play with me at home, and then when I was old enough, they let me play Pee Wee soccer. Then I did youth soccer through elementary. And once I was in junior high, I joined the school team and have been there ever since. I had both my parents, and it made it easier to support me. But Calvin never got that. During the time when he’d start showing interest like I did, we were dealing with the divorce and he was dealing with our mom. And now that he’s with us, Dad is busy with work and I’ve been busy with soccer. He got sidelined.”
“He didn’t get sidelined,” I said.
“He does. All the time. But since meeting you, it’s been different.” Paxon gave me a sad smile. “You’re giving him what we can’t and I’m grateful for that. Teaching him to play the guitar. I knew he was interested, but things like that, I don’t know how to support it. If he wanted to play a sport, I would know exactly what to do, but not music.”
“I only know because of my dad. Once he realized I had a knack for the piano, he taught me. And when he realized I loved it, we began taking it more seriously.” I tapped my pen, mulling over Calvin. “We aren’t even eighteen, Paxon. Parents barely know what to do, what makes you think we’ll know? I think you did your best for Calvin. I believe that every time I see you with him. And you aren’t keeping him away from it. You’re helping him the best you can. That’s all you or anyone can do.” I grinned. “And he’s a determined little boy. He knows what he wants and he’s working hard toward it. I think only having someone to look up to like you and your dad taught him to fight.”
Paxon chuckled. “That’s true. I feel like after listening to him practice so much, I could probably pick up a guitar and play it too.”
I laughed. “If only it were that easy.”
“He makes it seem easy.”
“He’s a smart boy.” I tapped at the paper. “And he’s willing to push himself. My first live performance was set up by my dad. I never even asked him. When he told me he had signed me up for a concert, I actually yelled at him. Called him a meanie head.”
“That’s cute,” Paxon said, his body shaking from laughter.
My smile softened. “He definitely thought so. My point is, Cal is making that decision on his own. He’s not running away. I’d say you and your dad are successful.”
“Why are you so amazing?” Paxon asked.
“What?” My cheeks burned from his simple compliment. He got up and came over, leaning over. “W-what are you doing?”
“Showing my appreciation,” he replied before kissing my forehead.
“Are you guys dating?”
Calvin’s loud voice was like cold water being dumped on me. I jumped back, my chair nearly tipping over as I put distance away from Paxon. Paxon turned to his little brother. “Yes, she’s my girlfriend now.”
Cal’s nose curled up. “That’s a little gross.”
“Oh yeah?” Paxon’s voice dipped down as he slowly approached his brother. The deviousness in his expression tipped me off, but it seemed Cal didn’t pick up on it. “What’s so gross about it?”
Cal eyed his brother warily. “What are you doing?” The poor little guy even took a step back. Just as he was about to turn to run away, Paxon dove forward and wrapped his arms around his little brother, picking him up.
Cal released a squeal and tried to break free. Paxon refused and began kissing all over his brother’s face.
I laughed as the two fought, Cal trying to free himself, and his brother refusing to let him go as he kissed him.
“Ew, stop!” Cal kicked out.
Paxon laughed as he finally let go. Cal didn’t wait and ran back off to join the others. Paxon was still laughing as he watched his little brother, and I’d have to admit, it was nice watching him. I had zero experience in sibling relationships, never got the chance to understand it. It was fun to watch.
“Does Cal believe in cooties?” I asked.
Paxon shrugged. “I don’t know if that’s what they call it now, but they definitely like to pretend it’s gross.”
“Are you sure it’s pretending?” I asked.
“Oh yeah. If I never did it, he’d be sad. Trust me, I tested it out.”
“Really? Is that common? Siblings pretending to not like something?”
Paxon mulled over my question. “I can’t say for sure. All I know is that I want Calvin to laugh, so I’ll do the things that make it so he can. I think maybe as long as people have those kinds of thoughts, then maybe it is common?”
My cheeks hurt with how hard I was smiling. “You really are a good brother.”
His cheeks redden as he sat back down.
“Will you tell me more things about you and Cal?” I asked.
“Like what?”
I shrugged. “Anything. I’m an only child, so I’m curious.”
While we waited for the receptionist to make the changes to the signup for me, Paxon was more than happy to talk about his relationship with his little brother. Hearing about how much Paxon doted on Calvin and got into trouble together was heartwarming and adorable. I couldn’t stop smiling.
