Chapter Nine

Soleil

Soleil knocked over her backpack, perched precariously on the edge of her wooden bedroom chair. The CD recorder she had taken from Mik’s studio fell to the floor. In all of the excitement during the last few weeks, she had totally forgotten about it.

It was a dreary morning, with rain slicking the streets below her apartment. The weather report promised sunshine by the afternoon, just in time for the concert. She decided to relax a bit before leaving for the Staples Center. She transferred the CD from the recorder to her sound system and was immediately greeted by the sweet voice of her late father.

Soleil was exhilarated by the fresh new music created by her father. She smiled as she heard him swear when he hit the wrong chord. He had been a perfectionist when it came to his music, just like her.

She sat mesmerized, listening to the songs. Her father’s voice soothed her pre-performance jitters. She vowed to learn some of these new tunes. Maybe she could record them herself. Sally had decided to remodel Mik’s old studio while she contested the will. She rented a truck and had everything delivered to Soleil’s apartment, along with a bill from the movers. Soleil had used some of her own money to rent a high-security storage space to store the equipment until she found a permanent home for it.

She planned to use the left-handed Strat when she performed tonight. Every day she had practiced on it, getting familiar with the feel of the instrument. Now it felt like an old friend.

The song Mik was singing ended. Now a woman was singing, clear and strong. Soleil instantly recognized the voice as Mariah’s. She and Mariah had been practicing their duet for the last few weeks. On the CD, Mariah accompanied herself on the piano while Mik played acoustic guitar, probably the Martin that Soleil now possessed.

The music stopped and they both broke out in embarrassed giggles. Mik coughed. “Marry me, Mariah,” he said. “We still make beautiful music together.”

She laughed softly. “You’re married, or have you forgotten?”

“I’ll get a divorce. I want to grow old with you.”

Mariah laughed again. “They don’t have homes for old rockers, just rockers for old homes!”

Mik coughed again. Soleil could imagine the tension in the air as she listened to their private conversation. “I haven’t made love to Sally in two years, Mari. The last time that I tried, I couldn’t get it up.” This is more than I need to know, Soleil thought, but she made no move to stop the tape.

Mariah stopped laughing. “I’m sorry, Mik,” she said gently.

“I was never impotent with you.”

“You were also twenty years younger.” They must have forgotten the tape was still running, Soleil thought.

“I’m not impotent now,” Mik said softly.

Mariah’s laugh sounded forced and nervous. “We are supposed to be rehearsing, Mik.”

“It would be great if we got married. We could get the girls together like a family. I don’t think Evelyn has ever met Soleil. Only you could get them all together.”

“Soleil is an adult now, Mik. So are Eve and Lucy. You can’t change the past. It’s too late for the big happy family and the white picket fence.”

“It’s never too late to try, Mari.” Soleil heard them kiss.

“Stop it, let’s get back to work.”

Mik started to sing again. He was singing lyrics from the Led Zeppelin song, “Ten Years Gone.” He stopped singing, but continued to strum the guitar.

“We had some good times, Mari. And we could have some more, if only you would say ‘yes’ and give me another chance.”

“We’re more than ‘Ten Years Gone,’ Mik,” Mariah said sadly.

The rest of the CD was blank. Soleil ran her hand through her dreads. Lucy had no idea how lucky she was. Out of the three of them, she was the only one who had two loving parents. She wondered what life would have been like if Mariah and Mik had married after all of these years. Was Mik right—would they have become a family?

As she dressed she looked at the picture of her with Faith and Mik. After Faith broke the frame, Soleil got another one, this one with clear plastic instead of glass, and moved the picture from the living room into her bedroom. Despite everything, she couldn’t part with it.

She realized that even though they had spent so much time together lately, she didn’t have any pictures of Lucy and Eve. Maybe tonight she could get someone to take a group picture. She thought about what she had said to Eve on the beach. For what it was worth, the three of them were all that was left of their father.

Soleil put the CD in a clear plastic case and slipped it into her backpack. As much as she wanted to keep it, she knew it didn’t belong to her.

She dressed in her performance outfit, skintight black leather pants and a matching tank top. She picked the outfit because it was comfortable. But she knew that the soft, expensive leather fit like a glove and accentuated every curve. She looked at her reflection in the bathroom mirror. She never understood what all of the fuss was about. Soleil accepted her looks, but it was hard for her to see them as a blessing. Maybe if she had been plain-looking or ugly, Faith would have treated her differently. Most of the scars from her frequent childhood beatings had faded, but the emotional scars would never heal. Had Faith beaten her because she saw herself reflected in her only child? Did she try to destroy in Soleil what she couldn’t destroy in herself?

Maybe if she had been plain, Faith wouldn’t have used her as a commodity. If she hadn’t started to develop at eleven, if she hadn’t had a womanly figure by thirteen, maybe she would have been spared. Soleil shuddered when she thought about all of the men who had touched her over the years, all of them unwelcome, but all of them with her mother’s consent.

And then she thought about him. He was going to be at the concert. He had requested permission to be a part of the program. Toby Reynolds, who was organizing the concert, couldn’t turn down the request of such a famous musician, a musician guaranteed to make the concert a memorable event.

Soleil had insisted that the proceeds from the concert be donated to charities specializing in child abuse prevention and helping runaway children. Maybe it was karma for that fucker to be a part of the concert, that money raised partially due to his fame be used to prevent other young girls from becoming the playthings of rich men who could buy all the young flesh they desired.

It had been years since she had thought about that night. But the fact that she would see him again in a few hours brought her memories to the surface. The mental block she had kept locked on that night so many years ago started to crumble.

* * *

She remembered her nervousness as she rode the elevator up to the penthouse floor of the exclusive Beverly Hills hotel where he was staying. Her heart leapt into her throat when he opened the door and greeted her with a wide, seductive smile. Unlike a lot of British musicians, he had perfect teeth. She could smell his cologne and aftershave. He was so handsome in his black leather jacket and jeans.

In one corner of the room, she spied one of his many bass guitars. Soleil already was interested in music and taking guitar lessons, the one luxury Faith allowed her. She didn’t care if Soleil went to school, but she made sure that she never missed a music lesson. Faith was expecting her daughter to become her next musical meal ticket.

Soleil asked him about some of the effects he used with his bass. She wanted to know which bass he preferred, the Fender or his custom-made Alembic. All he kept saying was, “Let’s talk later.” He was drunk and only wanted to kiss her neck. She continued talking, but all the while his hands moved lower—to her breasts, her waist, her thighs.

She tried to get his music out of her head. He had a voice like an angel, but he was behaving like a demon. Then she willed her body to go on automatic. He was no longer the musician she loved; he was just another john.

When she got home that night, after giving Faith the $1,000 in bills that he had discreetly tucked in her jeans pocket, she took all of his CDs and threw them in the trash. Then she threw up.

* * *

Soleil ran her fingers through her hair and shook her dreads. She squeezed her eyes shut to push back the tears that were forming. She went in the bathroom, grabbed the small black leather case holding her stage makeup and stuffed it in her backpack. She put on her sneakers and put the stiletto boots with the five-inch heels in her bag. Faith had begun forcing her to wear stilettos at twelve because they made her look taller and older. She shook her head again to push back the memories. After picking up her guitar in its gig bag, she headed out the door. “It’s showtime,” she whispered to herself.

Eve

Eve looked at her reflection in the mirror. She didn’t recognize the woman staring back at her. She had found the perfect concert outfit. She turned sideways to check out her ass. These were the best-fitting jeans she had ever worn. They should be for $300. The zebra-striped top wasn’t cheap, either. The outfit was topped off with black patent leather rocker boots. She touched her hair. The walk-in appointment at the famous hair salon had been expensive, but it was worth it. For the first and only time in her life, Eve felt she looked hip.

Lucy

Lucy stood next to Mariah as they watched the musicians arrive backstage. She heard Mariah’s breath catch. She looked at her mother and followed her gaze. They both watched the tall, blond musician walk towards Soleil. “Is that him?” she whispered incredulously. Mariah nodded her head, never taking her eyes off of the pair. Lucy always knew he was a famous musician, but she had never dreamed he was one of the most famous musicians in the entire world. She didn’t want to stare, but she couldn’t stop herself.

Soleil

Soleil was sitting on a stool tuning her guitar, but she heard the footsteps. As he got closer, she could smell his expensive cologne. He still wore the same brand, after all of these years. Her hand was shaking as she adjusted the tuning peg.

“Soleil?”

She heard the working-class English accent. Slowly, she looked up at him, into his blue eyes. “Hello.” She remembered the last time she had looked up into his eyes. She returned her attention to her guitar.

He sighed. “Thank you for inviting me to perform tonight. You know I always was a big fan of your father’s.”

She didn’t look up again. “You weren’t invited, and you know it. Your manager contacted Toby. The only reason you are here is because you are a big draw, that’s all. And you had a funny way of showing that you were a fan of my father’s.”

He placed his hand on her shoulder. Soleil shook it off as if it was searing her flesh. He kneeled down beside her. “I’m sorry, Soleil,” he whispered.

She looked at him and tried to swallow the lump in her throat. “How are your four children?”

He looked at her as if she were speaking a foreign language. “They are fine. What kind of question is that?”

“I’m sterile.” For only the second time in her life, she said the word out loud. “It happened due to the abortion.” She looked into his eyes to gauge his reaction. She was pleased to see the pain reflected in those twin oceans.

“Oh, my God, Soleil,” he said in a choked whisper.

“And all of the money in the world can’t change that, can it?” She held on to the guitar neck as if she wanted to strangle it. He tried again to touch her, but she recoiled. She stood up, still holding on tightly to the Strat. “Give my regards to your lovely wife.” She pretended to search the room. “Is she here?” He remained next to the stool, visibly paler. She looked at him one last time. He was older and his hair was thinning, but it was obvious why he was still considered one of the world’s sexiest men. She felt the residual pain in her abdomen, the pain from the abortion, the pain from her mother’s fists, the pain of the realization that most men could not be trusted, including her father.

She headed for the door. She needed some fresh air.

Lucy

He got up and turned around to see Mariah and Lucy staring at him. He nodded at them, exchanged a private look with Mariah and walked towards the stage to perform his sound check.

Lucy started to walk in the direction Soleil had gone.

Mariah grabbed her arm. “Lucy, leave her alone.”

Lucy looked at her mother. She whispered, even though they were now alone. “Mariah, I never knew it was him! I can’t believe it! I have all of his CDs!” She shook her head. “She was fourteen! How could he? Why?”

“Lucille, it’s none of your business. Stay out of it. If Soleil wants to talk to you, she will. Just leave her alone.”

“But you were there! Faith shot you because of it, didn’t she?”

“How do you know that?”

“Soleil told me.”

Mariah looked towards the door at Eve. “This isn’t the place to discuss it. The past is over.” She headed towards a small dressing room. “I need to get ready for the show.” She saw a short black woman with tiny braids coming towards her and motioned her to follow them.

* * *

Mariah took over a small dressing room hidden away from all of the backstage activity. Lucy sat down in one of the folding chairs to watch her mother put on her makeup. It reminded her of the old days, when she was a little girl on tour with her parents. As Mariah amplified her beautiful features, Brenda, Mariah’s hairdresser, fixed her braids into an elaborate upswept style.

Brenda sighed. “Mari, you don’t even need makeup. Your skin is as smooth as the day I met you twenty years ago.”

Mariah laughed. “I wish! Each year I need more and more concealer.”

“You look beautiful, Mariah.” Lucy moved the chair closer to her mother. “How do you feel?”

“I should have gone out there with Olivia and the band.” They could faintly hear the remaining members of Sheffield Steel performing onstage. “I should have never let Soleil talk me into doing this duet thing.”

“Well, you know she wanted to do something special.”

“I know, but it has been years since I played piano onstage.”

Lucy squeezed her mother’s hand. “It’s just like riding a bike.”

“Yeah, I’ll just fall off.”

Brenda finished the intricate hairdo. “Well, that’s it, girl!” She stood up and stretched. “I’m going out front to my seat now.” She lightly brushed Mariah’s cheek with her lips, careful not to mess up her makeup. “Break a leg.”

Mariah patted her hair. “It looks great. Thank you so much for coming in.”

“I wouldn’t miss your big comeback for the world.”

Mariah smiled wanly. “I never wanted to come back.”

Brenda nodded and left the room, closing the door behind her. The sound echoed in the small, almost empty room.

“Where is Soleil?” Lucy hadn’t seen her sisters since the start of the concert. She assumed that Eve was watching the show, but she didn’t know where Soleil was.

“I don’t know. She is probably getting psyched for her performance. She has never performed for a large audience before. It does take some getting used to, believe me.”

Mariah checked her makeup one more time and took off the vinyl cape protecting her outfit. She wore a bright fuchsia gown with gold threads. Brenda had woven matching threads into her hair. Mariah gleamed like a bronze Christmas tree.

Lucy had always loved watching her parents get ready for a performance. Mik would put on a fine Indian cotton shirt, bend over and brush his long blond hair towards the ground. Then he would throw his head back towards the sky, causing the blond locks to cascade around his face like a halo. She always thought her father was the best-looking man in the world. Lucy could feel tears straining behind her eyes.

Mariah was looking at her. “Brings back memories, doesn’t it?”

“Yeah. I was just thinking about Mik’s pre-concert brushing routine.” Lucy wiped at one eye.

Her mother laughed. “That man was in love with his hair! I used to call him Samson.”

Lucy laughed back. “Samson? I never heard you call him that.”

Mariah cleared her throat. “I only called him that during ‘private moments,’ if you know what I mean.”

Lucy felt her face flush.

Eve

Eve watched the performances from behind the stage. It was fascinating, giving her a glimpse of a world she had previously known nothing about. Unlike her friends, Eve never attended concerts. They reminded her too much of her father and of the world that had taken him away from her family.

She wore earplugs, but the sound was still too loud. She looked past the lights and banks of speakers at the thousands of people sitting in the arena. She couldn’t believe all of them were there because of their love of Mik DeSalle and his legacy. And who was he? It was a question she had asked herself millions of times over the years. As she stood there, she could feel the crowd’s energy seeping into her bones. She knew that energy was part of the answer.

Sheffield Steel was jamming, getting off on the energy that Eve could faintly identify. Olivia was dancing and shaking a tambourine. She caught Eve’s eye and motioned for her to come on stage. Eve shook her head violently. Olivia picked up another tambourine and ran over to her.

“Come on, Eve! Jam with us!” The tall, pretty black woman with a long pony tail put the tambourine into Eve’s hand and started to pull her towards the back of the stage where two other singers stood.

“No!” Eve tried to resist Olivia, but the woman was stronger than she looked. Before she knew it, she was onstage. Tommy, Sheffield Steel’s bassist, looked back at her and winked. Eve could feel his bass lines rumbling through her guts. From this level, she felt the music more than she heard it. So this was what rock and roll was all about. She started shaking the tambourine in time to the bass beats.

“All right, Eve!” Olivia shouted in her ear above the sounds.

Soleil

Soleil saw Olivia drag Eve onto the stage. She laughed and knocked on the door of Mariah’s dressing room. Lucy opened the door. “Guess what?”

“What?” Lucy asked. Both Lucy and Mariah looked up at her entrance.

“Eve is on stage with Sheffield Steel!” Soleil looked at her reflection in the mirror. Her makeup accentuated her slanted eyes and high cheekbones.

“What?” It was Mariah’s turn this time.

She adjusted her leather top. “Olivia pulled her onstage for their encore. She is up there shaking her ass and a tambourine.”

“Well, now we have all been initiated,” Lucy said.

“Initiated into what?” Soleil retied the front of her matching leather pants. The soft leather felt like a second skin.

“The joy of being onstage.” Lucy remembered her days of shaking a tambourine.

She looked at Lucy. “But you were the only one who was onstage with him,” she couldn’t mask the hint of bitterness.

“But we are all here now.” Mariah stood up and put her arms around her. She gingerly touched the leather top. “Nice. I don’t know if I want to share a stage with a fine woman like you.”

Soleil looked at Mariah’s reflection in the mirror. “Fine? Ms. Mariah, you are the definition of fine!”

Lucy stood up. “I’m going to go see if Eve is still on stage. I’ve got my camera in my purse.” She took out the small camera. “Say cheese!” Mariah and Soleil turned towards Lucy with big smiles. She pushed the button.

“Get out of here, Lucy!” Soleil teasingly pushed her towards the door. When the door closed behind her, she sat down next to Mariah.

“Are you nervous, honey?” Mariah asked her.

Soleil ran her hand through her dreads. “I don’t know what I am. This has been one of the strangest days of my life.”

“Tell me about it.”

“I forgot that you know who was going to perform,” Soleil lied. She knew she would never be able to say his name.

“His management contacted us. He felt he should be here to honor Mik.”

“But I still wish that he wasn’t here.” Soleil put her face in her hands. “I can’t believe there are so many reporters backstage. Have you talked to them?”

“No. I was lucky to find this little room. A stagehand gave me the key, so I have been holed up in here. But it is a good thing, that so many remember Mik and his music. Wherever he is, he is enjoying this right now.”

Soleil laughed. “Yeah, him and Hendrix are probably sharing a laugh.”

There was a rap on the door. “Ms. Williams, Ms. DeSalle—it’s time.”

Soleil pulled her guitar from the gig bag. She smiled at Mariah. “Let’s rock and roll!” Soleil watched the regal woman walk in front of her out of the room, a vision in bright pink. She wished Mariah had been her mother.

The hallway was crowded with well wishers. Soleil heard the emcee announcing them. “And now, we have a real treat in store for you. I am proud to introduce Ms. Mariah Williams from Sheffield Steel and Ms. Soleil DeSalle, Mik’s youngest daughter. Let’s hear it for Mariah and Soleil!”

Everyone was applauding as they walked towards the stage. Mariah stopped, turned to Soleil, and took her hand. They walked to the edge of the stage together. The arena erupted in applause. Mariah squeezed her hand, released it and headed for the grand piano at the center of the stage. Soleil plugged in her guitar. Mariah started playing the old spiritual they had agreed to perform as their duet.

“Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound…” Their two voices blended together in perfect harmony.

Eve

Eve and Lucy stood together offstage watching the performance. Eve was still exhilarated from being onstage with Sheffield Steel. Wait until I tell them about this back in Pittsburgh, she thought. But she wondered what her mother would think about it. Would she see it as another betrayal?

She nudged Lucy. “Mariah looks beautiful.”

Lucy nodded her head in agreement. She pinched Eve’s arm. “You don’t look so bad yourself.”

Soleil

Soleil closed her eyes and sang along with Mariah. She played a soft accompaniment on her guitar, letting Mariah’s piano act as the lead instrument. Near the end of the song, she would do the guitar solo she had been practicing for weeks. The pressure was building up in her chest. As she sang, she tried to push out the butterflies jumping around in her stomach.

Mariah stopped playing and Soleil started her solo. Her fingers flew over the frets, stretching out the long, soulful notes, giving sound to her heartbreak. She never looked up, never looked out at the audience. As she played, she could feel the pressure leaving her body, and something else entering it. She felt a peace, a feeling that everything would be all right, as long as she had the music. In that instant, she understood why Mik loved music, why he gave up his family in Pittsburgh to follow his dream. In that instant, she forgave him for everything. She forgave them all, from Faith to the man that had gotten her pregnant, to all of those guys who never took her seriously as a musician. It was all right; she would survive.

Soleil could feel the blood rushing to her fingers as her guitar cried and wailed. When she finished the solo, she started to sing the song again, not realizing that Mariah had not joined in.

Lucy

Lucy’s face was wet with tears. Soleil’s solo had brought chills to her spine. It was the most beautiful piece of music she had ever heard. She wiped her eyes and saw she was not alone in her feelings. There were several musicians standing in the wings, waiting to go back on for the all-star jam finale, and a few of them were wiping their eyes. Lucy caught the eye of the famous bassist she had seen earlier, and she could tell he was fighting back tears, too.

Also standing in the wings was a thin woman with short, bleached blonde hair. She had tears rolling down her face. What was Faith doing here? Soleil had left explicit instructions barring Faith from the backstage area. How had she got there? When Lucy turned around again, Faith was gone.

Soleil

Soleil finished singing the song a cappella. The last notes of the song reverberated through the speakers. And then there was silence. Soleil never looked up, but started to walk offstage.

Mariah ran to her and grabbed her by the shoulders. “Soleil, turn around!”

Soleil turned around towards the stage. The whole arena was ablaze with flickering lights. Everyone that had a lighter, match, or cell phone was holding it up in a rock and roll salute. She smiled and felt her face heating up.

And then the applause started. Soleil saw the audience move as one as thirty thousand people stood up in tribute.

Mariah held her hand tightly. “Come on, let’s take a bow!” She let Mariah lead her to the tip of the stage. The stage shook from the sound of the crowd. They both waved at the crowd and bowed deeply. Soleil stood there incredulously, looking out at the sea of faint faces and the points of light.

They turned around and walked backstage. Soleil took her guitar strap from around her neck and carried her guitar. The audience continued to applaud. And then the chanting started. “So-lay, So-lay, So-lay!”

Mariah hugged her. “Go back out there! It’s you they want!”

The spotlight followed Soleil as she walked to the front of the stage. She ran her fingers through her dreads. When she touched the microphone, she felt a presence beside her. “Thank you. I think that Mik DeSalle is here with us today, don’t you?”

“Yeah!” The audience shouted back enthusiastically.

“And he will always be alive, as long as his music is alive. And as long as I am alive!”

The crowd started to applaud again. Soleil walked offstage. She blindly walked past the musicians crowding around to congratulate her and headed to the small dressing room that Mariah had used earlier. She locked the door behind her.

Mariah was sitting in front of the mirror when she walked in. “He is here, isn’t he?” she whispered.

Mariah nodded. “And he is so proud of you,” she whispered.

Soleil reached into her backpack and handed Mariah the CD.

Mariah stood up. “What’s this?” Her lower lip trembled.

“It’s a CD I found in Mik’s studio. It is both of you, singing—and talking.” She sniffed. She could see the tears welling up in the older woman’s eyes.

“Oh,” Mariah whispered. Her hand shook as she took the recording.

Soleil took her other hand and squeezed it tightly. Then she put her arms around Mariah and they both started to sob uncontrollably for the man they had loved with all their hearts.