When Beth came into the keeping room that September day, the wind was blowing briskly. Olivia stood at the window watching the trees bending southward to release their leaves. She turned when the door opened.
Smiling at Beth, she said, “With that hair as red as maple leaves, I expected you to be airborne too. Bad day to be on horseback.”
“Worse for some of those buggies. Saw one turned over in the ditch.”
“Was anyone hurt?”
“There wasn’t even a horse around. Might have had a broken wheel from going down the slope. I didn’t look closely; I was too busy hanging on to Mag.” She hung her shawl and pulled a crumpled newspaper from her satchel.
Going to the table she said, “I heard people talking about fighting in the East and decided to get the paper. Take a look for yourself. I’ve given up on Roald coming back—at least I think I have.”
Sadie came out of her bedroom. “The men are coming from the barn; guess I’ll push that roast over the fire and make some gravy.”
“What shall I do to help you?” Olivia murmured, opening the newspaper.
“Nothing for now. Might tell me what you’re reading,” she commented as Amos and Alex came into the room.
“They’re saying the lists of casualties are to be posted within the week,” Beth said. She sighed heavily. “Will someone please go with me to read them?”
“Better give them a few days to get them posted,” Alex advised. He sat down beside Olivia and looked at her, his eyebrows raised. She blushed under his scrutiny and said, “My clothes are getting too tight.”
“Let’s go shopping tomorrow.”
“Oh Alex, they don’t make dresses to fit me like this. Sadie’s sewing a jumper for me.”
His eyes twinkled and he peered over Olivia’s shoulder at the newspaper. “Must be a significant battle.”
Hesitantly Beth said, “I guess it’s a victory for the Federal Army.”
Amos lifted his head. “I hope so; after Bull Run, they need to start showing their mettle.”
“It’s McClellan again,” Alex said, his eyes still on the newspaper. “Sounds like things have gone wrong for him once more.”
Sadie came to the doorway. “What happened?”
“Seems, from the description of the battle, that something was terribly wrong.”
“The Union soldiers are said to be totally demoralized,” Beth interjected.
“I don’t believe it’s that. McClellan’s army outnumbered Lee’s with odds that should have brought victory.” Alex shoved away the newspaper and jumped to his feet.
“Even a person without military training,” he exclaimed, “can see the indecisiveness of the Federal Army. I can see nothing except that delay is causing losses that are horrendous.”
“Here’s a comment by a newspaper man describing Bloody Lane,” Amos said, looking over the newspaper. “Says Confederate soldiers dropped like grass behind a scythe.”
“Thee had best put away the newspaper for now,” Sadie gently said, “or thou shalt not have a stomach for thy supper.”
Amos caught her eye. “’Tis already that state. We need to bring this terrible war to the God of the universe and let Him hold it. ’Tis a gentle, untouched land we have right here, and we’re to be grateful for it—but let us not forget.”
****
A week later, Beth came into the house, her face ashen. “Olivia, they’ve posted lists of the dead and injured. It is terribly long. Tomorrow the stores will be closed so that everyone can hear the names read.”
“We will go,” Olivia murmured, touching the girl’s shoulder.
When they rode into town the following day, they found the green around the church packed with people. There was a cold wind blowing, and the crowd pressed close to each other as they pushed against the crude platform.
Beth looked around sadly. “And to think less than a year ago we were having a frolic here to raise money for the soldiers going to fight. Now look at this crowd. They’re all old, and very sad.”
As she spoke, Olivia noticed two ragged youths pushing in through the crowd. Hearing the excited voices surrounding the lads, Beth stopped and strained to hear. “I recognize that fellow,” Beth whispered. “I thought he was in the army.”
The youth was speaking. “We were there. But that was enough. Soon as it was over we skedaddled. No more war for us.”
“Me and Tim here were right up front,” his companion said. “It’s God’s miracle we weren’t killed. Sure wasn’t anythin’ that McClellan or Burnside did.”
“Tell me,” came a tremulous demand, “how do you think we’re going to win this war if you lads don’t stay in there and fight?”
“How we gonna win unless we get a general who’s not afraid for his skin? McClellan’s afraid of his shadow. Fiddles around with his papers but never gets down to fighting. You don’t win a war without getting in there and doing something besides talk.”
“Now Mac,” his companion admonished, “that’s not the whole story. They’re saying sometimes he gets information in those papers that scares him outta trying.”
The old man shook his finger at the youths. “A body without the gumption to go out there and charge right in and give it to them don’t have no business undertaking anything more serious than milking cows.”
“Tell me,” another voice rose, “is it true the soldiers are demoralized?”
“We were like whipped dogs after Bull Run,” answered the first.
“But not now,” the fellow called Tim replied. “We were ready and impatient. Man, if they’d just taken the stops out, we’d have let them have it.”
“That so?” The man looking at them had an empty sleeve, and the scars on his face were still red. “I didn’t share your bravery; neither did the men around me. Sure, I know we had a reputation of going into battle eager to kill all the Rebels, but that’s not so, at least not in the regiment I was in. There was plenty of brave talk, but when it came down to having bullets flying around our heads, we spent more time ducking than shooting.
“There’s an additional fear—” The man paused and his lips twisted. “A fear that our buddies would see us as bellowing babies. It does something to a fellow when those bullets get mighty close. Might say it makes the trigger finger work better.”
“At least,” Tim said, “those Confederates weren’t in any condition to fight. They were walking skeletons; their uniforms were in rags and some didn’t have shoes. How they managed to fight is more’n I know.”
A woman spoke up. “You men are harsh. I believe McClellan is kind and considerate of his men.”
“Lady,” the man with the scars said, “McClellan isn’t hired to tuck his men in at night; he’s hired to whip the Confederates. Personally, I’d like to get this war over and get on with living.”
Three men wearing black suits marched to the platform. Beth watched them divide the long sheets of paper. One stepped forward. “The following is a list of the missing and presumed dead or held as prisoners. If your loved one has not been exchanged within one month’s time, you may conclude that he is a part of the group deceased.”
Beth’s face grew pale as she considered what the grim man’s statement meant. She hadn’t heard from Roald in over a month. He’s dead, she thought, her hope completely gone.
Later, after the sun had set, the final list of names was read by the light of a lantern. The reader concluded by saying, “With God’s help, we’ll never again find it necessary to read such a long list.”
****
That night Alex held Olivia as if he would never let her out of his arms again. “Alex,” she whispered, “I know it’s getting more difficult for you. I want to hold you here forever. But women do have babies without their menfolk around. Go on, deliver your soul, and I’ll be here when you come back. We will be here.”
“It’s a burden,” he admitted, “an obligation that becomes heavier. But also, it’s as if the deciding step was taken when I picked up the first load of slaves on the Golden Awl.”
She nodded against his arm. “You struck a blow at the institution of slavery. Now you must finish what you’ve begun.”
****
The next evening Beth came into the house and dropped the newspaper in front of Alex.
“A proclamation of emancipation; Lincoln’s issued it. Now what’s going to happen?”
“You don’t sound very happy about it,” Alex said as he picked up the paper.
“Of course I’m not. Never did I believe it would come to this.”
“What did you expect, Beth?” Alex asked with a puzzled frown. “The North has never denied that Lincoln doesn’t believe in the expansion of slavery.”
“Expansion?” Beth exploded. “This is freeing every slave in the states where the people are said to be in rebellion. They aren’t in rebellion; they’re trying to be free!”
“And you’ve had hopes for them, haven’t you?”
“Most certainly,” she snapped.
“If that is the case, then the proclamation is just about the worst thing that can happen for you, isn’t it?”
Suddenly Olivia straightened in her chair. “Beth, how could you have considered marrying a man fighting for the Union? If you feel this strongly about slavery, how could you marry someone who feels just the opposite?”
She lifted her chin. “I don’t believe that love is impossible under these circumstances.”
“Unless you believe that love is more than romance—regardless who you marry, Beth, you’ll have to live with his values. I don’t believe I could do otherwise, without feeling I am compromising myself.”
“Compromising? I don’t understand what you mean.”
“Violating a principle inside that is more important than my personal happiness.”
“I suppose,” Alex said softly, “each one of us has something which we would be willing to die for. She’s talking about that.”
Beth glared at him. “You’d be willing to die for the slaves?”
“And the Union.”
“How can you say that? It is impossible to make such a choice and really mean it. I’d never willingly die for anything.”
Alex frowned. “For a soldier in wartime, it seems there are only two alternatives. You either choose to die for a cause, or you die unwillingly without a cause.”
****
The day before Alex left for Washington, a letter came from Crystal. She had written:
Dear Ones,
This will be brief, because I’m in a fuss over packing, and also because I don’t know whether there’s any possibility of your receiving this letter. Matthew and I will be coming to Pennsylvania as quickly as possible.
We love you,
Crystal
Olivia dropped the letter and flung her arms around her husband. “Oh, Alex! Our prayers have been answered. Matthew and Crystal are together again! I can scarcely wait to see them.”
She buried her face in his chest. Our prayers are answered, she thought, but Alex won’t be here to see them. He kissed her and said, “That nearly makes it possible to leave you without a worry. How good God is to give us this!”