Beth and Mike walked into the house hand in hand. Beth tilted her chin and announced, “We’re going to get married now, while Mike is here.”
Amos spoke first. Heavily he said, “Well, can’t say thou doesn’t know each other.”
Sadie said, “I’ll bake a cake. What’ll you do for a special frock?”
Beth smiled sheepishly. “I have one you haven’t seen. I wondered when I’d ever wear it.”
Mike looked down at her. “Then why did you buy it?” For a moment Beth looked confused; she blushed, and Mike patted her shoulder. “That’s all right, just as long as you wear it now.”
“Then you’ll go with Mike?” Olivia asked.
“No,” Mike answered for Beth. “She’s going to stay here. I’d be gone most of the time, anyway.”
Beth’s eyes were big. “I—I hadn’t thought about your leaving. Oh, dear!”
“When?” Olivia looked at Mike.
“I have three weeks here, then I’ll be heading out again.”
“No, I meant when are you two getting married.”
They looked at each other. Tentatively Beth said, “Day after tomorrow?”
Sadie gasped. “Better get supper on the table so I can start working on that cake.”
“I’ll help.” Olivia followed her to the kitchen. She saw Sadie’s troubled frown. As she reached for the plates and forks, she asked, “You don’t like this, do you?”
Sadie sighed. “No. Way down in my bones I feel it’s wrong. Don’t have no reason for feeling thus, except that I don’t feel that girl’s spirit is right with the Lord.” She stirred the gravy and poked at the potatoes. “Olivia, ’twas so different when thou and—” she stopped suddenly, patting Olivia’s shoulder. “Can’t reconcile all this,” she finished lamely. “But Mike Clancy will have to make his own decision, between himself and his Lord.”
Olivia carried the dishes to the table and came back for the butter and pitcher of water. When she returned for the bread, she managed a smile.
Late that evening as she walked slowly up the stairs to her room, she saw Beth and Mike in the parlor. They were talking and laughing, their heads close together.
In her bedroom, Olivia removed the brooch from her frock. By lamplight the gold stood out in stark contrast to the onyx. She could nearly hear Alex’s voice reading the Isaiah verse. Closing her eyes she murmured, “‘As a bride adorneth herself…so the Lord God will cause…’ God…,” she murmured, “it comes from Him. All of it. The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.” Her tears dropped on the brooch, making the gold shine more brightly.
That night the dream she had had before she married Alex returned. When she stirred and opened her eyes, morning was a touch of pink in the sky. Still half asleep, she stretched, seeking Alex’s familiar form beside her. Realizing what she had done, she abruptly pulled her hand away from the cold sheets on the far side of the bed.
She turned on her side to look at the vacant place. The dream blossomed complete in her mind—the rolling hills, falling away endlessly toward the horizon, with Alex and Olivia walking hand and hand. The same warm, loving glow filled it all.
“It’s the dream I had when I understood it was Your desire that I marry Alex, Lord,” she whispered. “Why are You reminding me again? Is it the brooch? Are You telling me that my life is still here, and I must shine like gold?” She touched the cold tears on her face and admitted, “But, Father, it is so difficult.”
****
While Sadie beat sugar and eggs together in the kitchen, Olivia shelled and chopped nuts. Casually she said, “Sadie, you’ve been talking about the Sanitary Commission for the past three months, telling me all about their work for the men fighting this war.”
Sadie’s spoon slowed. “Yes, that is why I knitted the mittens and the stockings last winter. We pack boxes of cookies and clean underwear. Sometimes we have slickers and rubber mats to put in the bundles. Sometimes we just send ointment and bandages to the hospitals.”
Olivia took a deep breath and the words rushed out. “Sadie, I’ve been thinking…I should become a volunteer. I could take care of the wounded boys.”
Sadie’s spoon stopped and slid down the side of the bowl. “Thou art not that well yet.”
“Yes I am. You’re pampering me; I have to be of use in this world. Sadie, I’m beginning to feel this is what God wants of me.”
****
The next morning Olivia stepped out of her room to find Beth looking shy and uncertain. Suddenly conscious of how often Beth had avoided her during the past months, Olivia smiled and said, “Do you have time to talk?”
“I—Olivia,” she stammered.
Gently Olivia said, “Beth, I’m not distressed because you and Mike are getting married. I feel you’ve been avoiding me, and I think I understand. Sometimes being wonderfully happy when those around you are sad nearly makes you feel guilty. That shouldn’t be.”
“I’m sorry, Olivia, I’m truly sorry,” Beth whispered. “I suppose I’d be more honest to say I’ve avoided you because when I look at you I keep being reminded it might happen to me. It’s easier to not think about it.”
“Oh, Beth!” Olivia caught her breath. “I guess it’s nearly a relief that I’ve faced the worst possible and have discovered I can survive even with him and the baby gone.”
“How?”
Her heart pounded in her ears until Olivia could scarcely hear the question; she looked at the girl’s troubled face. “If it weren’t for God, life wouldn’t be worth living. Beth, only that is important to me—to know God is there, loving me and gently urging me to get on with living.”
Olivia started to turn away, and hastily Beth said, “Please come tell me what you think of my dress.” Beth led the way and pointed to the dress lying on the bed.
Olivia fingered the fabric. “It’s beautiful, Beth. Very costly, and obviously a wedding gown.” She turned and looked curiously at the girl.
Beth looked confused and at loss for words. “I—then you think it will be the thing to wear?”
“Most certainly. Perhaps a little more elegant than our humble Quakers will expect, but certainly acceptable. This lace is exquisite.” Again Olivia glanced at Beth, who was examining the lace. Beth looked up, and Olivia asked, “Do you have shoes to match?”
“Match? No. Oh, dear. Will these green slippers do?”
Olivia studied the anxious frown on Beth’s face, and slowly said, “I suppose so. But I do have some white satin slippers. Shall we see if they fit?”
Beth nodded and followed Olivia. “You know,” she whispered, “I can scarcely believe this. I mean, I’m getting married tomorrow—just like that!”
She took the slippers and sat down to try them on. “They are slightly long, but I can stuff cotton in the toes. My mother did that when I was little. She’d buy my shoes large. That way I could wear them—”
Abruptly she broke off and jumped to her feet. “I must get busy; the dress needs to be ironed.”
“Do be careful; the fabric is delicate,” Olivia said as Beth gathered up the dress and left the room.
Watching Beth walk downstairs, Olivia wondered, Why did I say that? Surely a plantation girl with such a dress knows how to care for her clothing. But why would a plantation girl stuff cotton in the toes of her shoes to make them fit?
****
Hands in pockets, head down, Mike walked slowly toward the barn. He expected to meet Beth as she led her horse to the barn.
Stopping beside the apple tree, he lifted his head to sniff the air. Hay mingled with the scent of barnyard and dampened, decaying foliage reminded him spring was yet to come.
Looking at the clouds drifting across the sky, he took a deep breath. “God, seems I’ve paid You no mind since coming upriver. Everything’s been moving too fast for thinking.”
He leaned against the tree and uneasily considered the heaviness in his heart. “I’m sorry, I really am. Seems the excitement—” He thought about his feelings. “I ought not to be going this fast; I can’t really think.” He recalled the times he had thought about Beth, how she needed to know more about God.
He sighed. Another day and we’ll be getting married. It still seems strange. Seems it ought not be that way. He heard the mare whinny and turned.
Beth drew close to him and lifted her face for his kiss. He hesitated, and her eyes opened wider. “I wonder why I feel as if you are a butterfly ready to disappear if I should reach for you,” he said.
“Mike,” she whispered, “what do you mean?”
“I don’t really know,” he said slowly. “I guess I expected—” She pressed her face against his shoulder. “Aw, Beth,” he muttered, “I suppose a man never feels he really knows a woman, even when he marries one.”
Linking her arms around his neck, she looked up at him. “It just might be the same for women. It seems men support families, go hunting and fighting and then, what else is there?” Soberly she examined his expression before she whispered, “Mike, if we ponder it too much, we—I mean, it’s scary. I suppose girls always think of marriage as a high point in life. But that isn’t the end of the story, is it? Sometimes thinking about cooking and babies and worrying about money, it just doesn’t seem all that—secure.”
Lamely she finished, “I guess we women are too prone to worry about being taken care of.”
****
Mike tossed, turned, and pounded his pillow. Sleep was impossible. He sat up, shoved the pillow behind his back and watched clouds race across the face of the full moon. He had gone to bed with his thoughts on the final kiss Beth had given him. The lingering memory of her soft body returned for just a moment. But as he watched the moon, his thoughts took him elsewhere.
He contemplated the presence of God; the steady unremitting pressure was a searchlight on his careless life. “Lord,” he murmured, “I’ve neglected You, and yet You’re constantly with me. I sense Your presence in a way I can’t fully understand. I want to ask You to forgive me for not staying close to You.”
He slipped to his knees beside the bed, rested his face in his hands, and waited. Nothing. No brilliant illumination—simply the firm conviction that God was speaking, and he could no longer fail to listen.
Finally he rocked back on his heels. The moon had slipped beyond his window, and the faint luminescence indicated the approaching dawn. With a sigh he got up and looked at the uniform hanging just inside the door. Sadie doesn’t approve of my getting married, yet she’s brushed and pressed my uniform, probably frowning and shaking her head the whole time she worked.
Still he hesitated. In the midst of shaving, he flung his razor aside and paced to the window and back. “I am the world’s biggest ninny. Scared of a couple of women; scared more’n I ever was of shells flying over.” He picked up the razor, shook it, and sighed. “Lord, I hear You. No doubt, it is You. I don’t understand it all, but I will obey, no matter what the cost.” Now he knew—perhaps for the first time—what the cost of his commitment would be.
When Mike went down to breakfast, the room was deserted except for Amos. Looking around with a puzzled frown, he said, “Did she change her mind?”
Amos chuckled. “Don’t know much about weddings, dost thou? The three of them headed for the church nearly a half hour ago. Hast thou not heard all the stories about it being bad luck to see thy sweetie before the wedding? Well, those women are making sure thou don’t. Now I suggest thou load up on ham and eggs and at least a pail of coffee. Getting married is hard business.” Hastily he added, “At least until thou gets past the preacher man and the crowd of fussing women.”
When they were ready to leave for the church, Amos pulled out his pocket watch and considered it. “If we leave right now, thou’lt have women fawning over thee. If we leave in ten minutes, thou’lt be able to sneak into the church without any trouble.”
“Amos—” Mike’s voice squeaked, and he stopped to clear his throat. “What will happen if we leave in five minutes?” Amos cocked his eyebrow, and Mike added, “It’s terribly important that I talk to Beth for a couple of minutes.”
“Better go now.” Amos paused. “For the next hour or so it won’t get any better.”
When they arrived on the meetinghouse grounds, Amos pointed with his buggy whip. “I suspect the women are over there in that house. One of the church women lives there, and it’s a likely place for the womenfolk to congregate.” He eyed Mike. “Want me to go clear the way?” Mike nodded. From the buggy he watched the conversation taking place; Amos had his foot on the step as his arm gestured toward the buggy. Finally he turned to beckon to Mike.
“They’ll skedaddle. Sadie and I’ll go inside the meetinghouse.”
Slowly Mike stepped down and headed for the cabin. He stopped just inside the door. “Beth, you’re beautiful.” With his throat knotted, he gulped and looked at her gown. “That’s the most beautiful gown I’ve ever seen.” He continued to look at the ivory satin with its panels of heavy lace across her shoulders and down the sleeves.
“They didn’t want to let you in. But Amos seemed to think it was a matter of life or death.” Her blue eyes were curious.
“Beth, please come sit down with me.”
“I can’t; I’ll wrinkle this dress.” She stood waiting, and Mike turned to pace the room. “In five minutes the parson will begin the service,” she said.
He came back to her. “Beth, you won’t believe this, but I love you with all my heart.”
“Mike, is that all you came to say? I know it. I—”
“Beth, please hear me out. I can’t marry you.”
She caught her breath. “Mike, are you married?”
“No, it isn’t that. I don’t know how to say this to you. But I’m—”
“You want out.” Her voice rose, ending in a wail. “This is a fine time to change your mind!”
“No, you don’t understand. I haven’t changed my mind. It’s simply that God doesn’t want me to marry you.”
“Did you say God?” Her face sagged in astonishment. “Oh, Mike, I’ve heard of excuses, but to blame God! This is ridiculous. Most men get cold feet. I’m shaking too. But let’s just go through with it.”
“Beth, that would be wrong. We can’t face that preacher and God and all the people to promise ourselves to each other, when we know it’s wrong in God’s sight.”
She scrutinized his face, then slowly she wilted and burst into tears, covering her face with her hands. He touched her shoulder. “Please Beth, I don’t mean to shame you; I’ll do anything I can to make it easy for you.”
She lowered her hands and looked at him, whispering, “You really do mean it, don’t you? Mike, I can’t believe this of you. I’d thought you so fine, honorable, trustworthy, and now—” She paced the room and came back to him.
He saw the blood had risen to her face; her lips were a taut line. Lifting her hand, she struck him across the face. “This is what you deserve,” she hissed. “Go tell them that I refuse to marry you. I never want to set eyes on you again as long as I live.”