Olivia heard footsteps dragging across the keeping room floor. She turned to face Beth, watching with concern as the girl came into the kitchen. It was Monday morning, and Beth should have been on her way to the hardware store. Her face was blotched and swollen.
Beth tilted her chin, said, “I’m leaving. I know you and Sadie are trying to be kind, but I can’t stay.”
“Beth,” Olivia said slowly, “my heart aches for you. I wish you felt free to talk to us. You know we want to help you.” Hastily she added, “I’m not suggesting you tell us all about the situation. It’s obvious it’s heart-rending for both of you. Did you know Mike left immediately without talking to any of us? We let him go without questions, but with you it’s different.”
“I’ve explained.” As Beth spoke, her fingers tugged at the handkerchief she held. “It isn’t as if I’m running away, Olivia. When I came here with Mike, it was with the understanding I would go on to Washington.”
“Washington?” Sadie cried, coming into the room. “That’s no place for thee alone.”
“I know people there who’ll take care of me. Actually kin—a cousin. Nearly like going home. Sadie, you’ve been good to me, but don’t try to keep me here. This will be best for all of us.” She turned quickly, flashing a tremulous smile at Olivia and Sadie. “Amos says he’ll take me to the train station.”
Olivia sighed, glanced quickly at Sadie, and said, “Please at least leave us the address of your cousin. We’ll want to write to you, and there’s a good possibility I might go to Washington to work.”
“Well, certainly.” Beth quickly went for paper and pencil. “I’ll feel better knowing you’ll write to me.”
When the door closed behind Beth, Olivia said, “She couldn’t wait to be gone. Did you notice the strange way she spoke? Stuffy, as if she had planned out each word.”
Sadie nodded. “Thou art serious about working for the soldiers, aren’t ye?”
Olivia took a deep breath. “Yes. More and more I’m feeling it’s necessary I do my part. But I’ll admit the thought of caring for wounded soldiers is frightening.”
“Thou art always welcome back here,” Sadie said hastily. “I will miss thee sorely. But I understand, I know how I would feel.” She started for the door and stopped. “Please write us letters. That will help us in our lonely times, too.”
Olivia nodded and took a deep breath. “I suppose I need to tell you that I’ve already talked to the commanding officer in charge of the recruitment and training of soldiers in town. He told me they desperately need nurses around the Potomac. He didn’t have an address, but he suggested I go to Washington and make inquiries at the Department of War.”
“Potomac?” Olivia nodded, and Sadie said slowly, “Still hoping? Maybe going isn’t wise.”
Olivia’s voice was muffled. “Perhaps not wise; it will be difficult, but Sadie, it’s necessary.”
It was March in Pennsylvania. Olivia stood at the window looking across Amos’ pasture at the carpet of spring colors. “Crocuses, daffodils, tulips,” she murmured. The colorful strip bordering the path was a line leading Olivia’s eyes down to the Golden Awl, dry-docked at the end of the pasture. She touched the brooch at her neckline as Sadie came into the room.
It was obvious that Sadie had been crying, but she smiled and cocked her head as she looked at Olivia’s dark suit. “Thee looks very grown-up and capable. I would hire thee myself. It might be those people will want a reference. I will recommend thee—”
“For being fairly good at cooking and making beds?” Olivia smiled. “That’s possibly all they want to know. Sadie, why are you wearing your bonnet?”
“Because I intend to go with thee to the railroad station. I want to look over the train.”
“I’m certain it will be loaded with young men going to war,” Olivia said. As she turned away from the spring scene, Amos stopped the buggy at the front door.
Sadie eyed the bag. “Is that all the belongings thou art taking?”
“Yes. I’ve no idea where I will be staying, and I doubt I’ll need much of a wardrobe.”
“I’m glad thou art leaving some of thy belongings. It will be good to have something of thee around. With thee going it’s like seeing my own flesh and blood leaving.” Olivia turned, quickly kissed Sadie, and hurried out to the wagon.
****
When Olivia got off the train at Washington, she discovered a Washington that was sharp and bleak, a dismal contrast to the beautiful city she and Alex had enjoyed together.
She directed the hack driver to take her to the hotel where they had stayed, then settled back in her seat. Olivia’s eyes blurred; she tried to swallow the lump in her throat as she recalled their time in the city—the rose silk frock, the dinner parties, but most of all, being with Alex.
The same hotel was now shabby, not quite clean, and the people—from the man at the front desk to the tired-looking cleaning girl—seemed somber and fearful. After Olivia closed the door of her room, she leaned against it and murmured, “Father, I had thought I was the only person on earth with this sadness in my soul. Now I see it has seeped into everyone. Please, deliver us from this evil!”
Slowly she pressed the brooch to her face. The empty, dismal room wrenched the words out of her. “My precious Alex is dead and gone, and I must learn to live without him.”
****
Olivia walked into the long, barn-shaped building and stopped just inside the door. From where she stood, she could see long lines of cots and stretchers. Fighting the discouragement the dismal scene gave her, she started toward a woman at the far end of the building.
As she walked slowly, she looked at the patients. There were a few smiles, but for the most part the men seemed asleep or tossing in delirium. She saw blood-soaked bandages, stumps where there should have been arms or legs, flushed faces and faces deathly pale.
“Lady—” The whisper was urgent, feeble. “Lady, please, water.” She hesitated, saw the jug of water, and carried it to the man.
A wound stretched across his face, festering, angry red. What she could see of his face seemed dry and feverish. There was only one eye. Strangely detached, she noted it was blue, his hair curly and light. The hand he stretched toward her was hot, the grasp frail.
Biting her lip, Olivia slipped her hand under his head and gently lifted him until he could swallow the water. His burning hand slipped across hers, and his head turned away as his soul fled.
Olivia caught her breath in a painful gasp and eased him onto the cot. A uniformed woman was watching. When their eyes met, the woman’s lightened until there was nearly a smile. She beckoned Olivia toward the end of the room.
“I’m Maggie Thorner,” the woman said. “Why do you want to be here?”
“I don’t know that I want to.” Olivia looked around the room. “But if my husband had lingered, I would have wanted him to have this kind of care. I suppose it’s the only way I can feel right about all this.”
“And can you care for Southern soldiers? There are some here.”
“Yes.” Olivia hesitated. “I’m just frightened—terrified.”
“It won’t matter, as long as you are willing. Come, I will show you our bedrooms. I trust you have a bag with you.”
Suddenly overwhelmed by it all, Olivia wanted only to run. But Mrs. Thorner was watching. Carefully Olivia pressed her lips together and followed her.
That evening, after settling her belongings in the tiny room tucked under the eaves, Olivia sat down at the rickety table and began a letter to Matthew.
Dear brother,
I write this, not knowing whether you’ll receive it. I beg your forgiveness for delaying my letter so long. Once I decided to come to Washington, with the intent of offering my services as a nurse, it seemed best to wait until I arrived to explain everything to you. Please, if you are still in the area, come and see me. I am desperately in need of your company.
Less than a week later, Matthew did come. Maggie crossed the long room to get Olivia. “There’s a gentleman to see you; says he’s your brother.”
Olivia smoothed the blanket and took the cup from the soldier’s hand. “Matthew,” she said slowly. “I am so glad that he’s come.”
With a sympathetic glance, Maggie said, “There’s only an hour or so left of your shift. You won’t need to come back. He’s waiting in the office.”
Matthew turned from the window as she came into the room. He watched her face, and his lips tightened as he said, “Come tell me about it.”
Clenching her fists, she said, “Alex is dead, and I’ve lost the baby.”
Carefully he put his arms around her and held her while she fought back the tears. “Come on, Livie, give way.” Slowly she wrapped her arms around him and leaned against him.
“Matt, I can’t believe I have a tear left.”
“This is the worst place on earth for you to be.”
“I had to do it. To do something. This seemed best.” She took a deep breath. “I suppose Crystal is with her mother now.”
“I hope so. After she wrote, there was a long delay because of the trains. Not only troop movement having first priority, but also the Southern railroad has problems with their lines.” He grinned a bit. “Seems someone is keeping them in a state of disrepair.”
He released Olivia and paced to the window. “To tell the truth, I’m beginning to regret not having gone with her. She headed south with the intention of taking the first available route west. She talked a little about seeing a cousin in Greenville—mentioned it in connection with taking the Memphis-Ohio Railway.” He turned. “Anyway, I’m frantic waiting to hear from her.”
He watched the reactions on his sister’s face. “I need to know what you’ve heard about Alex.”
“Very little. I only knew that he was with the Army of the Potomac, and that they were waiting for assignment. He talked about McClellan. I was concerned when I heard about the battle at Fredericksburg, because I’d guessed he went that direction. And then his name was posted as killed in battle.”
“There’s no doubt?” he asked.
“How else would they have his name and location?”
He paced to the window and stood with his back to her. “Olivia, I’m devastated. He meant a great deal to me. As for you—I can’t begin to express how I feel—about all that has happened.” She heard him choke. “Is there anything I can do to make it easier?” She shook her head mutely.
“I’m trying to accept it. Amos and Sadie tell me that sometimes we don’t see the whole plan, and that we humans are prone to write a different ending to life. That’s where the difficulty comes. They tell me the hard parts like this become easier when we believe and accept God’s control in it all. I’m still trying not to understand, just to accept.” She took a deep breath. “At least I know God hasn’t left me alone.”