Ring ring. Ring ring.
‘Hello?’
‘Mr Osmosis? Lucy Smith here.’
‘Lucy …?’
‘Dead End Street; Danny Yates; green hair.’
‘Miss Smith – how did you acquire my telephone number?’
‘Computer hacking. There’s this kid down the Poly, he loves me. He can get into any system on Earth. He’s got into Norad. He says he’s gonna start World War Three.’
‘Do the Authorities know of this?’
‘They do now.’
‘You had a reason for disturbing me?’
‘My rats.’
‘What about them?’
‘You have them yet? Don’t get me wrong, the rabbits are great and I love them to bits but you know there’s no substitute for rats.’
‘Miss Smith, I am delighted to say that right now my men are scouring the streets with tooth combs. You may have noticed them.’
‘No. What kind of tooth combs?’
‘The finest of tooth combs, made from gold. The moment they bring me news, I shall call you.’
‘You’re a trooper, Mr O. And I don’t care how true all that stuff Danny used to say about you was.’
‘What “stuff”?’
– Click –
‘Miss Smith? Miss Smith?’
Ring ring.
‘Mr Osmosis?’
‘Yes?’
‘Lucy Smith here.’
‘Oh.’
‘Mr Osmosis, why’ve you changed your phone number?’
‘I have? I must have inadvertently done so without noticing.’
‘Any news about my rats?’
‘Miss Smith, did you not call me yesterday?’
‘Yeah.’
‘And the day before?’
‘Yeah.’
‘And the day before?’
‘Yeah.’
‘And the day before?’
‘Yeah.’
‘And the day before?’
‘Yeah.’
‘And the day before?’
‘So what’s your point?’
‘My point is – as I keep telling you – the moment I hear anything, I shall call you.’
Ring ring. Ring ring.
‘(Sigh) Miss Smith?’
‘You guessed?’
‘It wasn’t difficult.’
‘Do you know your number’s changed again?’
‘Really?’
‘It’s probably a fault with your receiver. But I’d have a word with the phone company if I were you. If you’re not careful they’ll charge you for it. It could end up costing you a fortune.’
‘I’ll bear that in mind. Miss Smith.’ When I’m working out your next rent increase.
‘So you haven’t heard anything yet?’
‘When did you last call me, Miss Smith?’
‘Ages ago. That’s why I …’
‘It was eight minutes ago.’
‘That long?’
‘Miss Smith, when I recommended you change the frequency with which you phone, I meant increase the time between calls, not reduce it.’
‘So, you heard anything yet?’
‘I’ve neither heard nor seen anything of your rats. If that situation changes, I shall call.’
‘I’ll call back in a couple of minutes then, shall I?’
Ring ring. Ring ring. Ring –
Sigh. ‘Hello?’
‘Osmosis? That you, man?’
‘The one and only.’
‘General, you can’t imagine how pleased I am to hear your voice.’
‘Not as much as me.’
‘The rocket launchers I supplied served their purpose?’
‘Like a dream. Mildred and I taught the Hun a thing or two on our holiday in Spain. Do you know the place was alive with ‘em? They were in the shops, in the streets, on the buses. Acted like they owned the place.’
‘What part of Spain was this?’
‘Berlin.’
‘General.’
‘What?’
‘Berlin isn’t in Spain.’
‘Good God, man. Spain was full of Germans. Couldn’t hang around there long.’
‘General, I’ve no idea what you’re talking about but I don’t care. All that matters is that our little scheme’s going to plan.’
‘You have the weaponry we need?’
‘All manufactured by my own munitions firm. I oversaw its design personally, so you can be assured of its quality.’
‘I knew you were the man for this venture, Osmosis. These days it’s hard to find allies of a suitable standard. Not like the days of the Raj, eh?’
‘Indeed.’
‘And where are you storing these weapons?’
‘They’re boxed and ready in my back yard. You have the troops we need?’
‘Every single man jack of ‘em.’
‘And they’re willing to betray their country?’ asked Osmosis.
‘Good god no. They wouldn’t betray their country if their lives depended on it. I wouldn’t use them if they would. Traitors? I can’t stand ‘em.’
‘Then how’ve you convinced them to overthrow the government?’
‘I told ‘em we’re going to the moon.’
‘The moon?’
‘To fight the moon men.’
‘?’
‘Frightful chaps with false grins, and collars and cuffs that don’t match their shirts.’
‘And they believed you?’
‘They’ll believe anything,’ said Biggshott-Phaffing. ‘It never fails to amaze me how easy it is to find stupid people in the army. It’s like you just reach out your arm and you’re touching one.’
‘And how do they expect to reach the moon?’
‘By jeep.’
Do they think they’ll need space suits?’
‘No.’
‘I see …’
‘But ready yourself. Osmosis. For, as I speak, all three thousand of us are gathering our forces.’
‘Then you mean?’
‘By this time tomorrow, you and I shall rule England.’
Osmosis hung up the phone, pushed it aside, and smiled to himself.
He admired his bucket in the dressing-room mirror as two rats squeaked and scratched in their cage at the room’s far side.
‘Unhappy, my little friends?’ He watched their reflections as the phone resumed its ringing. ‘Don’t be unhappy, for you are to have a great honour bestowed upon you. [Ring ring]. You shall be my vengeance. “But how?” I hear you ask.’ And he explained, ‘When sufficiently polished, my magnificent Helm of Mystery may be used as a crystal ball. And though the art is imperfect, I have learned that your absence shall guarantee the death of Master Daniel Yates. Therefore I suggest we keep you and he as far apart as possible.’
And he looked at the twin air tickets lying atop their cage.