Natalie hit the DVD pause button at her mother’s distinctive knock-knock, knock-knock-knock on Jem’s apartment door.
Shane West and Mandy Moore’s faces froze on the TV screen. She sniffed and shifted a heavy blanket and A Walk to Remember DVD case off her lap so she could get up.
She’d known moving her DVD collection to Jem’s house was a good idea—she just hadn’t expected to use her I-need-to-cry playlist so soon.
Knock-knock, knock-knock-knock.
“I’m coming.” Natalie kept her voice hushed. Oliver slept feet away in his crib in Jem’s room.
Mom had been dealing with Dad’s pain meds again when Natalie called, and then it’d taken quite a few phone calls to find someone to come and stay with Dad.
Natalie did a quick calculation of the time since the others had left for Raleigh. They should have arrived by now. Jem still hadn’t messaged.
She pulled the door open.
Mom stood on the other side, holding up a jumbo packet of plain M&M’s. “It sounded serious.”
Tears bubbled. She wilted into Mom’s arms, inhaling the scent of her vanilla body wash between sobs.
Mom nudged her inside and pushed the door shut with her foot. “Tell me what happened.”
Natalie perched on a stool by the counter and spilled the story. Thirteen crumpled tissues sat by the M&M’s bowl by the time she finished.
Mom listened without interrupting, just stroked the back of Natalie’s hand. When the words stopped, she chewed an M&M and let Natalie sop the moisture from her face.
“So . . . that escalated quickly,” Mom said in a dry tone.
Despite her tears, a chuckle escaped Natalie. “I guess.”
“Do you really think Jem doesn’t support you? I mean, was there anything before today?”
“He asked me once if I really did enjoy the job. He didn’t think I would, in the long run.”
“And do you?”
Natalie opened her mouth for an enthusiastic yes. But something gave her pause.
Her panic about the presentation.
The stress of that elementary school skit.
Sam’s announcement that the permanent job would involve even more travel and public speaking.
“I don’t adore every single part of it,” she conceded. “But that’s life. No job is perfect. I love the organization side of it: preparing for that festival, promoting the ministry, doing all the back-office jobs.”
“And you have a gift for that.” Mom nodded and spoke around the handful of M&M’s she’d just popped in her mouth. “But you can use that gift in areas other than Wildfire. There’s a new wedding-planning business in town. You’d be great at that.”
“No!” The word popped out with more force than she’d intended.
Mom blinked. “That hit a nerve.” She pushed the M&M’s bowl aside. “Is it possible—and I’m not saying that you did, I’m genuinely asking—that you overreacted to Jem’s request because you can’t bear to think about anything jeopardizing Wildfire?”
“Maybe a slim possibility.” Natalie hiccupped.
“And why is that?”
“I always planned to take over Dad’s ministry, and then that wasn’t possible anymore. Wildfire is my second chance. I’d make Dad proud, Steph proud. And I’d be making a difference in the world. It’s what I always expected of myself.”
“Ah.” Mom appeared to ponder Natalie’s words for a moment as she slowly chewed, lips stained from choosing all the blue M&M’s. “And what if Kimberly beats you to that job? Who are you then?”
Natalie shook her head. “I can’t even think about that.”
“And do you think that’s a warning sign?”
“Huh?”
“Jem has no desire to break up with you, Natalie. He’s just trying to do what’s best for his son. You escalated that fight. You overreacted at the first sign of a threat to your job because you see it as a part of your identity.”
Natalie squirmed, searching her brain for a way to refute what Mom said.
“The truth is you are far more than a job, a ministry, or even a calling. You are a person created and saved by God, no matter what your job is or what you do in life.”
“But if I—”
“Hear me out.” Mom paused her with an upraised hand. “If God has told you to work at Wildfire, then let nothing stop you from doing that. Quit working for Jem and trust God to find you what you need. But if you’re working for Wildfire because you feel like you’re letting yourself and everyone else down if you don’t . . . maybe you should have a look at what you’re allowing to shape your identity.”
“But Dad—”
“Your Dad knew you had already made something of yourself. Before Wildfire. You know what makes God happy? A life that seeks after Him, that loves Him.
“You sacrificed your own plans for us, and that kind of sacrificial love doesn’t go unnoticed.” Mom tightened her grip on Natalie’s hand. “God wants obedience. And He has called some people to ministry, but He’s also called others to work in business or raise kids or do a hundred other things. It’s not the job that matters, it’s the obedience.
“I don’t think He’ll be disappointed, whichever path you choose. But don’t choose an option you don’t really want just because you think there’s an expectation you should.”
Natalie shook her head. “Dad always thought—”
“You want to know what Dad thinks? I found this the other day.” Mom dropped Natalie’s hand and rummaged through her handbag. She pulled out a creased piece of notepad paper covered in Dad’s distinctive scrawl.
“He wrote this two years ago, when we almost lost him. But then he pulled through, so he put it away until the right time. I forgot until I was poking through some papers yesterday.”
Natalie unfolded the sheet, fingers shaky.
G’day baby,
Tears blotched the page at the first words. Dad’s gravelly voice filled her brain as she read. She shifted the page so her tears wouldn’t stain it.
I am so proud of who you are.
When you were born I was overwhelmed with the fact that I was responsible for raising this little baby into a godly and wonderful woman. I wrote these verses down that day:
“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:38–39
God has been very faithful and has guided us both along the way.
I’m so proud to be your dad, and to see you grow into the capable, compassionate, loving, wise, beautiful, and passionate woman that you are has been my greatest joy in life. I know sometimes you feel restless, but you’ve already made me so proud. I know you’ve made the Lord proud too.
I know you wish we could remain together, but I know for sure God has a purpose and plan in all things.
I look forward to seeing everything God has in store for you, whether in this world or the next.
I love you more than you’ll ever know,
Dad
She dropped the page and bawled. Her throat ached and her diaphragm hiccupped with the force of her sobs.
He was proud of her. As she was. No work required. And so was God.
Soft arms slipped around her shoulders. Mom’s forehead pressed against her ear. Moisture dripped onto her neck.
They stayed like that a long time, until Natalie’s phone beeped in her pocket. She tugged it out. A message from Jem flashed onto the screen. “Oh no.”
“What?” Mom peered at the phone.
“Lili wasn’t at the bus station or Grace’s old address.” She reread the message as she spoke, hot and cold waves running through her body. “She’s missing.”