March 18th

Dear Kacey,

You chose to leave. Do you know how many people don’t get the choice? There are cancers and accidents that don’t give people a choice between life and death, but you—you chose to die. Suicide. No one wants to hear or say this word. It’s, like, taboo or something. It freaks people out. Like the school. They’ve totally avoided talking about what you actually did. I think I scare the admin because I know what you did and I was closest to you. My mom is freaked out by it—it’s like they all think it’s contagious and, since I was closest to you, maybe I have it in me, too. I think if I had it in me, I’d know … but then again, I couldn’t spot it in you.

I’m doing all this research about it for the R&J project. Did you know that suicide is one of the leading causes of death in teens? Number three, actually, after accidents and cancer. Knowing you, you already knew that. You probably looked into it before you did it. And all the Internet sites say that the act of actually killing oneself is so contrary to human nature and our instinct to survive that it indicates a mental illness. So, maybe you WERE sick. Maybe this was your character flaw.

I’m just finding out so much right now. Apparently, while more girls attempt suicide, more guys are successful because they choose ways that are more violent and final. Shakespeare should have done his research, because he got it wrong. Juliet should have drunk the poison and Romeo should have stabbed himself. That would have been more realistic.

Jake agrees with me. I’ve kind of taken over the project. It’s not that he doesn’t want to help, but I’ve become a bit obsessed and I think it’s freaking him out. I can tell he’s worried that I’m taking this suicide project a little too far. He’s supportive, though. And he doesn’t think it’s right that the school just ignored the whole thing. He said that he’d help me get some petitions signed if I wanted to protest or something. I know he was joking, but it got me thinking that maybe I should be doing something more for you. And not just for you but for others, too. I don’t know … my mom would probably freak all over again. I’d probably have to go to more OC appointments … people would get all worried about me again … maybe it is best to just leave it.

Sticks