May 1st

Dear Kacey,

We had our big assembly today. We did it in the gym. Our whole class was there. They dimmed the lights and had a big screen up at the front. Julie gave a PowerPoint presentation about suicide. It was a really good presentation … she’s not so obnoxious after all. Actually, she’s kind of cool, but I’m never going to tell her that.

We put your picture up on the screen. Don’t worry, it wasn’t a lame school picture. It was that one of you from our last sleepover. You were wearing your purple hoodie and you’re kind of laughing at something … it’s a good pic, and it’s so you. I couldn’t look at it when we put it up. I almost lost it before I even started talking. Drea and Loren both saw that I was struggling, so they came down and sat beside me. It was hard to get started but, once I did, I just talked about you and all the stuff I’ve been dealing with since you left.

A lot of students had questions about it. I don’t know who asked it, but someone in the back asked if we know why you did it. I think they, like me and everyone else, need a reason. Your mom got up to answer. It wasn’t easy for her to talk, but she said that it’s important everyone understands that you’re the only one who can fully answer that question. The doctors can put a label on it but, in the end, you had your own reasons. And we may never fully understand why you did what you did, but we do have to live with it. I have to live with it. Your mom was actually pretty great.

There was only one question I had a hard time answering. Nikki Harris wanted to know how I found out and what I went through that day. I didn’t know what to say, so I brought out this journal and I read about that day. It was the February 17th entry. At the end, I read that I didn’t know why I had written about that day. Something about not knowing the point of it at the time … but I understand now, not completely, but sort of.

I’m on the last page of this journal and I’m running out of room. I guess this is it.

I’m totally going to miss you.

Kacey, I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you when you needed me to be. I’m sorry we had started drifting apart. I’m sorry I never told you to stay at the party. I’m sorry I never texted you back. I’m sorry that you felt you had to leave. I’m sorry that we won’t get to grow old together and that the world will never hear your music. I’m sorry.

I don’t mind if you come to visit me. I hope that I’ll always be able to see, hear, and feel you around me. You left, but I hope that you’re never gone.

Forever, your Sticks.

Sara