CHAPTER FOUR
DUNG MEN
The heroes continue on their quest. But Jason does not let them go ashore again—not until days later when they finally reach Colchis.
As the heroes tie up their rowboat, King Aeetes walks out to meet them. With him are several guards carrying long, pointy spears. Jason feels his tummy begin to rumble.
“Do you need to use the restroom?” Hercules asks.
“No,” Jason whispers.
Then he lets loose a little PFFFT!
“I just need to belch,” Jason adds, “from my back end.”
As King Aeetes approaches, he scrunches up his nose.
“Did you come here just to fart?” he asks.
“No!” Jason says, embarrassed. “I am here to get my father’s fleece back.”
“Seriously?” King Aeetes asks. “That fleece is totally funky. It smells worse than the cloud of brown gas surrounding your boat.”
“I still need it,” Jason declares. “To prove that my father is king.”
“Well, he lost it fair and square,” says King Aeetes. “He said he could belch the entire alphabet and passed out on L-M-N-O-P.”
“We could just take it from you,” Hercules warns, as he flexes his biceps.
“I wouldn’t try,” Aeetes says. “It is guarded by a dragon.”
“I will do anything to get the fleece back,” Jason begs.
“Then come to my palace tomorrow,” the king says. “I will have three tasks for you. Complete them, and you can have the fleece.”
* * *
That night, Jason worries about the challenges King Aeetes will present to him tomorrow. As he worries, he PFFFTS!
“That smells worse than Ares’ underwear,” Hercules says.
“And he never washes them,” Theseus adds.
“Hercules would know,” Odysseus says.
“He was once dared to steal them,” Perseus adds.
“I am just nervous about tomorrow’s challenges,” Jason says and then lets loose a PTTTBBB!
His friends all gasp and cover their noses.
Just then, a voice whispers in the night, “Maybe I can help.”
Out of the shadows steps a woman. Her face is hidden under the hood of a robe.
“Who are you?” Jason asks.
“My name is Medea, and I am the king’s daughter,” the woman says. “I will help you, but only if you take that funky fleece away. My father likes to wear it around the house, and it smells worse than sweaty socks. No, worse than that, like the sweaty socks were barfed up by a giant slug and then flushed down the sewers of the Underworld. It smells horrible.”
“But how?” Jason asks.
“Take these,” she says, handing Jason a pair of gloves and a clothespin. “You will understand tomorrow.”
The next morning, Jason and his friends go to find King Aeetes. He is standing outside his horse stables. Next to him is a giant ball of brown stinky stuff.
“Is that horse manure?” Perseus asks.
“Smells like it,” Theseus says as he leans in for a big sniff.
Odysseus pokes the ball with his pinky and then licks the finger clean. “Tastes like it, too,” he adds.
“It is, and it’s for Jason’s first tasks,” King Aeetes says. “I want you to bring it up to that hill.”
“But the smell!” Jason moans.
That is when he remembers the clothespin Medea gave him. He puts it on his nose.
“That’s better,” Jason says. “But I don’t want to touch it.”
And that is when he remembers the gloves Medea gave him. He quickly puts them on.
Then Jason pushes and rolls, shoves and heaves, the ball of dung up the hill. By the end he is covered in poo from head to toe. But at least our hero can’t smell the mess, not like everyone else.
“Now what?” Jason asks.
“Spread it out over this field,” King Aeetes says.
“Okay,” Jason says grabbing a handful of manure. “But I really wish Medea would have given me a shovel.”
Jason flings and tosses, throws and chucks the horse poop everywhere.
He is now more a mess than even before.
Everyone, including his friends, stands far, far away from him.
“That wasn’t too difficult. Just smelly,” Jason says. “What’s my last challenge?”
“Now spread these all over the field,” the kings says, handing Jason a small sack.
“What’s in it?” he asks.
“My fingernails and toenail clippings,” the king says.
“Ewww,” Jason groans. Touching them is worse that digging into manure. They are covered in fungus!
But he does as the king asks. He tosses the toenail and fingernail clippings all about.
Once he’s done, he turns to the king.
“Is that all?” Jason asks.
The king only smiles.
“You might want to turn back around,” Theseus says to Jason.
“Yeah, like right now,” Perseus adds.
Behind our hero, the ground begins to shake. It rumbles and quakes. Then a hand bursts forth. And another. And another. They are followed by heads and shoulders.
“Meet my dung men.” The king laughs.
Nearly a dozen humanlike creatures crawl out of the earth.
“They look like turds with arms and legs,” Perseus yells.
“And smell like it too,” Theseus hollers.
“I wonder how they taste,” Odysseus says.
“No time for that now,” Hercules shouts. “Finally a battle!”
During all his friends’ shouting, Jason’s stomach begins to warble and burble.
And just as a dung man is about to sneak up behind him and clobber our hero, he lets loose a loud PTTTHHHBBB!
His butt-bomb sends the dung man flying backward. The beast crumbles apart as it crashes to the ground.
“Do that again!” Perseus shouts.
As another dung man raises his arm to club Jason, he turns and ducks. He lets out more fanny thunder. PFFFTTTHHH!!! The gas blasts the creature to pieces.
“I think I might have to wipe after that one,” Jason says with a grin.
Then his friends join in.
Hercules pulls out his pooper-scooper. He scoops out chunk after chunk from dung men, flinging manure all over.
Perseus makes poo kabobs by running his wooden spear through two dung men.
Theseus slices and dices dung men with his trident.
Odysseus pulls out his slingshot and pelts the dung men. THWiP! THWiP! Rocks zip right through them.
Jason lets loose one final cheek squeaker PFFFTTTBBB!! The last dung man explodes, and hunks of poo rain down and splatter everyone.
Our heroes are victorious!
“So where is my father’s fleece?” Jason demands of King Aeetes.