Answer the following questions to find out which stream you belong in.
1. If you were an animal, which of the following would you be?
A. Panther
B. Rhino
C. Spider
D. Snake
2. How might you make one of your enemies sorry?
A. With a hypnotic trigger phrase – so that every time someone says ‘Pass the salt’, they cluck like a chicken
B. Break every bone in their body – even the ones they didn’t know existed
C. Rewire their alarm clock so that it always goes off at 4 a.m.
D. Discover their most embarrassing secret, and publicly expose it – after blackmailing them for a brief, yet lucrative, period
3. If you could choose any instrument to aid you in your villainous cause, what would it be?
A. Nothing – your cunning is all you will ever need
B. A bazooka
C. A computer
D. Money – after all, it is the root of all evil
4. You decide to take over your school. How would you achieve this?
A. Simply inform the headmaster that you are indisputably the most qualified person for the job – you had read every book in the library by the time you were four years old, and have a better understanding of the subjects than the teachers do
B. Threaten to show the headmaster what his/her spleen looks like if control of the school is not relinquished immediately
C. Hack into the computer system and rewrite all of the school’s files to show that you are, in fact, already the headmaster
D. Infiltrate the local council and appoint yourself as Head of Education – why settle for just your school?
If your answers are mostly As . . .
Alpha: The Alpha stream specialises in leadership and strategy training. You exhibit certain unique abilities which mark you out as one of the leaders of tomorrow.
If your answers are mostly Bs
Henchman: Your aggression knows no bounds, and you are happiest when you’re doing damage to something, or more likely, someone. Your uncluttered, uncomplicated mind makes you the perfect trusted subordinate.
If your answers are mostly Cs
Technical: There’s not a computer that you cannot hack, or a bomb you cannot defuse (or build, for that matter). You put the ‘EEK!’ in computer geek.
If your answers are mostly Ds
Political/Financial: You have a brilliant head for figures (as well as ways to fudge them), and also happen to be excessively charming and a natural born liar – the perfect combination for a successfully sinister career in politics or finance.
Your Stream has been selected. Now take the test to discover how villainous you are . . .
1. You find a wallet on the floor filled with ten pound notes, do you:
A. Immediately take the wallet to the police and hand it over, still filled with the money
B. Help yourself to some of the money and then take it to the police
C. Take the money, throw the wallet in the bin and spend the cash on stolen blueprints for the nearest bank
2. You see a small child eating your favourite ice cream, do you:
A. Ask the child where he got the ice cream and set off to buy your own
B. Explain to the child that ice cream is bad for the teeth and make them feel guilty enough to hand it over
C. Organise two henchmen to suspend the small child upside down over a duck pond while you enjoy the icy goodness of their treat
3. Your parents agree to buy you any birthday present you want, do you ask for:
A. Nothing, you would rather your parents treated themselves
B. A new hi-fi and games system so you can lock yourself away in your bedroom
C. A small island in the middle of the Pacific, fully equipped with secret hideout, submarine base and lasers
4. When buying a new house what room is your priority?
A. An ecologically sound conservatory
B. A huge communications room so you can spy on your nearest and dearest
C. An underground lair complete with torture devices and a shark-filled pool
5. You have a red button in front of you that you have been told never to press, do you:
A. Quietly read a book, never giving the button a second thought
B. Stroke the button gently, always feeling tempted to give it a good push
C. Instantly press the button – you built this doomsday device so why shouldn’t you use it!
6. An army of robots is about to take over your town, do you:
A. Find a way to foil the robots and destroy them for ever
B. Find a way to foil the robots but keep one just in case you might need it one day
C. Find a way to foil the robots because frankly your army of GIANT SPACE ROBOTS will do a better job
7. You need to hire a henchman, who do you hire:
A. Your mum
B. A couple of ex-cons you found through eBay
C. A suitably subservient weakling who will bow to your every needs . . . and a GIANT SPACE ROBOT
8. You have captured your heroic foe and can at last be rid of him, do you:
A. Have a change of heart, let him go and give yourself up to the authorities
B. Give the hero five minutes to escape from a shrinking room while making a quick getaway
C. Take a long time to explain your convoluted plans for ruling the world, realise the hero has escaped and send your GIANT SPACE ROBOT after him
If your answers are mostly As . . .
To be fair you don’t really have a villainous bone in your body. In fact, I suspect you would rather share a cup of tea with your foe, talk about old times and generally have a nice time. It’s probably best to give up villainy now and try something more suited to your needs, say knitting or looking after bunnies.
If your answers are mostly Bs . . .
OK, so you have some villainous traits but you’re not quite ready for big time yet. You’re the kind of villainous soul that would pull only half the legs off a spider so they would have some chance of getting away. With a little training you could be a decent villain but you’re no way ready for the big league.
If your answers are mostly Cs . . .
Hello future megalomaniac and ruler of the world. You are a vile villain through and through. You’ve probably got some plans to take over the world hidden in a draw somewhere and if you haven’t already undergone training in Applied Villainy at H.I.V.E. then you should be applying for a place now. Oh, and I hear that GIANT SPACE ROBOTS are currently half-price at your local superstore.