It was too late to cross the road. From the grin on Brett’s face I knew he’d seen us. Most of the time THE BANE OF MY LIFE lurches around like a zombie, but when he senses an opportunity to ruin someone’s day Brett’s face lights up like a pumpkin at Halloween.
Jess was more worried about the girl he was with. While Brett was into simple, physical acts of torture – dead legs and flicking bogeys into your hair – stuff that didn’t use up too much of his limited brainpower, his cousin Olivia was pure EVIL. She looked totally harmless, friendly even. Olivia was always the first to put up her hand in class, but it was all an act. If Olivia decided she didn’t like you, she and her gang of Little Olivia Clones would make your life hell.
Jess and Olivia had actually been friends when they were younger (and didn’t know any better!). Then in Year Three an argument over a copy of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory turned into a full-on brawl. They’ve been sworn enemies ever since.
Dribbling along behind them was Olivia’s little brother Drool (real name Dayton). Unlike his immaculate sister, Drool usually looks like he’s just climbed out of a dustbin. He also suffers from a severe case of leakage (hence the nickname). Drool is bad for Olivia’s image, so being with him always puts her in a worse mood than usual. Lucky us.
They stopped and fanned out across the pavement, blocking our escape.
Olivia’s eyes swept across us and settled on the robot. “Nice skates,” she said.
“Thank you,” said Robin, totally missing the fact that she was being sarcastic.
“They go really well with your coat,” said Olivia, making Brett snigger. “You must tell me where you got that. I simply have to get one!”
“Here! Have mine,” said Robin, reaching for the buttons.
“NO!” Jess pulled his hands away.
I guessed she was thinking the same as me: whatever the robot had on under that coat, we did not want it displayed in public! Knowing Grandma and her weird sense of humour, she’d probably given Robin some kind of underwear – quite possibly her own! THAT did not bear thinking about.
“She doesn’t really want your coat,” I told Robin. “She’s just taking the mickey.”
The robot did his strokey-beard-thinking-thing again. “Oh! I didn’t know I had a mickey to give her.”
Olivia rolled her eyes. “Was that supposed to be a joke?” She peered at Robin. “Who IS this anyway? Your grandad?”
“Oh, no, I’m not their grandfather! I’m—”
“He’s a friend of our grandma!” said Jess quickly. “Just visiting.”
Olivia scowled.
“I like your footwear also,” said Robin, pointing to her trainers.
Grandma must have programmed the robot to be polite, but without realizing it Robin had made a clever move. The one thing Olivia likes more than being horrible to people is talking about how great she is.
“I know,” she said, her face breaking into a smile. “I can’t even TELL you how much they cost! My dad got them from America. You can’t buy them over here.” She lifted a foot to give us a better view of the trainers. “Designed by Carly-G herself. That’s her ACTUAL signature on the side there.”
“Mmm,” said Robin, peering at the trainer. “That’s actually a printed reproduction.”
“WHAT DID YOU SAY?” Olivia’s foot slammed back on to the pavement.
“The signature on the side of your sports shoe,” said Robin, smiling. “It’s printed. If you look closely, you can see it’s made up of tiny dots of ink.”
I held my breath, waiting for Olivia to ask how Robin could possibly see a detail like that – oh, unless he was a robot with mega-zoom eyesight of course!
But Olivia was too shocked to speak.
“Carly-G only signed a hundred special-edition pairs herself,” said Robin. “The ones you are wearing are reproduction copies made in China.”
Olivia’s face had a gone a strange colour. Her mouth was moving, but no words were coming out.
“You mean they’re FAKES!” said Brett, finally catching up with what was happening.
“NO!” squeaked Olivia, finding her voice again. “These are REAL! Special! Limited edition! They were signed PERSONALLY by Carly-G!” She sounded like she was trying to convince herself as much as us.
For a few seconds it almost felt like a victory! I should have known better.
Olivia turned to Robin. “How would YOU know anything about it anyway? I bet you don’t even know who Carly-G is!”
“Carly-G is a singer and actress,” said the robot, in his reading-from-the-internet voice. “Her first acting job was on the Disney Channel, aged seven. She is best known—”
“Robin’s a big fan!” said Jess, giving a nervous laugh. “He and Grandma are always playing Carly-G and dancing round the kitchen. Sooo embarrassing!”
For a moment Olivia looked totally confused, then she leaned in close and hissed into my sister’s face. “You tell anyone about this and you’re DEAD!”
Just then a large black car pulled in to the kerb, and suddenly Olivia was all smiles.
“Here’s Grandad!” she said, dragging Drool out from under the hedge.
The three of them piled into the back seat as the driver’s window slid down. A large pointy nose emerged and seemed to sniff the air, while a pair of black eyes gazed suspiciously at us.
“Hello, Mr Burton,” said Jess.
As well as being Olivia, Brett and Drool’s grandad, Mr Burton was our next-door neighbour.
The old man smiled without showing his teeth. “I don’t think we’ve met,” he said, peering at our new babysitter.
“My name’s Robin.” The robot held out his hand. “Very pleased to make your acquaintance.”
Mr Burton reluctantly reached out to shake hands, but the moment he touched Robin’s glove, our neighbour’s face changed. His eyes widened, then filled with a hungry excitement that sent a chill right through me.
“How interesting,” he said. Then the window slid back up and the car drove away.
“What did you do that for?” said Jess, glaring at the robot.
“I believe it is the custom to shake hands on first meeting someone.”
“Not THAT! Why did you tell Olivia that her trainers were fakes?”
“Because they are.” Robin sounded puzzled.
“That’s not the point! You don’t tell OLIVIA that her clothes are rubbish!”
The robot clutched at his beard, clearly confused. “I didn’t mean to cause offence. I was trying to be helpful.”
“You’ve just made things A HUNDRED TIMES WORSE!” Jess was really shouting now. “If Brett tells anyone at school that Olivia’s trainers are fakes – which he will – she’ll blame it on me!” My sister turned and stormed off down the road. I could tell she was trying not to cry.
“How did you know anyway?” I asked the robot. “About the trainers?”
“I looked them up on the internet,” he said. “I have constant online access from within my central processing unit.”
“You mean your brain’s got built-in Wi-Fi? Wow!” Maybe this robot wasn’t so lame after all. “The look on Olivia’s face when you said her trainers were fake… That was classic!”
“The girl said she liked my coat,” the robot explained. “I was making polite conversation – sometimes known as ‘chit-chat’ or ‘having a natter’.”
“She was being sarcastic,” I told him. “It’s when someone says something that sounds like they’re being nice, but actually they’re making fun of you.”
“How confusing.”
“It’s a human thing,” I said. “Don’t worry about it.”
The robot nodded. “Thank you, Master Just Jake. I will add that information to my database.”
I nodded, but I couldn’t help wondering what other important knowledge might be missing from Robin’s brain.