Talia
The synagogue isn’t far from the B78 bus route, and I find myself standing outside the three-storey building, staring up at the bland facade, the icy grey of the sky an ominous backdrop against it.
“I think you have to go in,” Matt says into my ear.
“Shut up,” I mutter and stomp up the stairs, pushing the door open.
The building’s well-heated, and I strip my coat off, stuffing the gloves into the pockets and throwing it over my arm. There’s the possibility that Rabbi Daniel isn’t in at all. If so, there’s the further possibility that I’ll take it as some sort of sign and never come back. I know myself, for better or worse.
I take a deep breath and go through the next door out of the anteroom. It leads straight into a wide hall, with various doors coming off each side, and a large set of double doors straight ahead that I assume leads to the main sanctuary. I turn slightly, looking around at the room with its community board, folding tables, and kids’ corner with bulging drawers of craft and play materials. I’m considering whether to call out or make a run for it when a door opens to the left.
“I thought I heard someone come in,” says a soft, deep voice, and I spin to see Rabbi Daniel poking his head through, a smile on his gaunt face.
“I’m sorry,” I say and frown at myself. “I mean, I should have phoned.”
He comes out into the hall properly, all long limbs and punky combat boots. “Not at all, everyone’s welcome. I’m Rabbi Daniel, what can I do for you today?”
I take his hand and shake it. “I’m Talia, I…well, I should’ve come a while ago when term started but…anyway. My rabbi from back home encouraged me.”
He frowns and cocks his head. “Talia from Glasgow, right? Morgan sent me the first email about you months ago. I hope you don’t mind, but he told me about your accident, I’m sorry. Are you okay?”
I nod jerkily and can’t help glancing at Matt. “Yeah, I’m actually…” I take a deep breath. “I was wondering…”
His forehead crinkles in sympathy. “Would you like to talk?”
I nod, swallowing hard.
He gives me a half-smile and gestures toward the sofas in one corner of the room. I walk toward them quickly, letting out a long breath and clutching my jacket so tightly that my fingers hurt. Daniel sits opposite me and laces his hands, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees and a patented Open Paternal Smile™ on his face. He doesn’t say anything.
I feel the first tendrils of panic rise up my throat, and I want to stand and run. Then I sense rather than feel Matt sit next to me, and I spare him a quick glance. He looks quiet and concerned. What does he have to be concerned about? He’s dead. Do I look that bad? Am I falling apart that obviously?
“I think I died,” I blurt out.
Daniel’s eyebrows arch, and he blinks at me. I squeeze my eyes shut and press my hands against my face. “I, no, I know I did. Either that or I’m crazy, and I need someone to know.”
There’s a pause. “Okay,” says Daniel slowly. “Can you explain further, do you think?”
I let out a long breath and drop my hands, but I can’t look at him again. I keep my gaze firmly on the carpet with its faded geometrical patterns. “I…it’s complicated. And I don’t think you’ll believe me, but…well.”
It’s safer than telling Morgan, I tell myself. If Morgan thinks I’m crazy, I don’t know what I’ll do.
“Okay,” I say and sit up straight, facing it head-on. “You know, I had a…well, to you it was a near miss, right? A car nearly hit me and crashed into a lamppost instead, and the driver died?” Daniel nods. “Well, I remember that differently. To me, I died. I remember the pain, the fear. And then I woke up in this grey place. It was mist and nothing else, until some woman came and had a chat with me. She made a sofa,” I say because I might as well sound fully mad. “And then there was a girl. Kitty. I didn’t find her, exactly, she just appeared, along with a crying man, and…she swapped our lives.”
I bite my lip and look up at Daniel. He’s staring at me, open-mouthed. “You don’t believe me,” I say, clenching my jaw.
“No, wait, it’s just a lot to take in, really. I mean, of course, for you even more so, but…” He takes a deep breath and huffs a laugh. “I’m sorry. I’m new at this, I only qualified last year, and…wow.”
I can’t help quirking a smile. “What do the scriptures say about this, then?”
He laughs, and I can feel my smile widen. Daniel shakes his head. “Oh, dear. I have no idea what to say. I’m so sorry you’ve been through this. Has it taken you this long to find someone to talk to?”
“Well…no. I was in that grey place for over a month, but when Kitty brought me back, she told me it would be like I’d never died. Now I have all these notes and essays that I’ve apparently written in the last few weeks but no memory of them at all. The news reports all say the driver died, when in my…timeline, I guess, it was just me.”
“Tell him about me,” Matt whispers, and I glare at him without thinking because it’s not like Daniel can hear him. He doesn’t have to whisper.
Daniel frowns and follows my gaze into what must be empty air to him. He doesn’t say anything. I sigh and roll my eyes. “I seem to have come back with a parasite,” I say.
Daniel raises a single eyebrow and looks wary. I smack my hand on my head. “I didn’t mean that,” I say, my cheeks heating up. “I meant a ghost.”
The other eyebrow shoots up. “A ghost?”
I sigh again. “I know. I sound like a crazy person, and you think it’s all in my head.”
Daniel shrugs. “Well, just because I’ve never experienced it doesn’t mean it’s not true. And just if something’s all in your head doesn’t mean it’s not real.”
“Did you quote Dumbledore there?”
He smiles. “I paraphrased.” He leans back with a thoughtful frown. “I’m not here to tell you what’s real and what isn’t. I’m here to help you with your experience as much as I can, particularly your spiritual experience, of course. Now, there’s nothing in the Torah that talks of ghosts per se. The Talmud prohibits things like trying to contact the dead—”
“But I’m not trying,” I protest, and it’s a little like I’m trying to protest to God as well. “I don’t want him here. He just hangs around.”
“Hey, I don’t exactly have much of a choice in this situation either,” Matt snaps.
“He says he can’t leave,” I relate to Daniel.
“No,” Daniel says slowly. “I didn’t think that was the case.” He frowns and taps a finger against his lips, staring into the distance. Then he leans forward again. “I have to ask, Talia, have you spoken to a therapist? This may all be the symptoms of something serious, a mental health condition, unresolved trauma. It wouldn’t surprise me.”
I shake my head, but it’s a fair question. “Nothing like this has ever happened to me before. And it’s not like I’ve got gaps in my memory. It’s like I remember something completely different to what everyone else remembers of the last few weeks.”
“Are you sure? I can recommend an excellent trauma specialist.”
“Look,” says Matt. “Let’s go and find Kitty. She can explain everything. This is real. It’s not a hallucination, I swear.”
“That sounds like something a hallucination would say,” I snort. Daniel raises an eyebrow and chuckles.
“No, really,” Matt insists, like he hasn’t gone over this constantly for the last twenty-four hours. “Look, you don’t know Kitty’s address, right? You can’t possibly know it. Come on a road trip with me. She only lives in Leithfield, and that’s like twenty miles away from Oxford. What have you got to lose?”
“Uh, let’s see, my self-respect, my petrol money, and my sanity?”
Daniel looks pained. “What’s he saying?” he blurts at last. His cheeks flush, and he shrugs ruefully. “Sorry, curiosity killed the cat.”
“But satisfaction brought it back,” I reply without thinking.
Daniel bursts out laughing. “Very good,” he says. “Is that what brought you back, then, satisfaction?”
I grin. “Nope, just a girl called Kitty.”
Daniel cracks up with surprisingly high-pitched, infectious giggles. “Well, at least you seem to have a sense of humour about it all.”
I shrug. “Well, it’s either that or cry, and I’ve done that. Only gives you a headache.”
“If you don’t mind, what was he asking?”
I tilt my head. “Do you really believe in him?”
“I believe that you believe in him, and that’s good enough for me. The language we use for things isn’t always important.”
I hum thoughtfully and glance up at Matt, who makes a go on gesture. “He was saying I should go and see Kitty.”
“The girl who brought you back. How would you know where to find her?” asks Daniel, leaning forward in genuine interest now.
“That’s the thing. Matt was her best friend when he was alive. He says he’ll tell me the address.”
Daniel taps his lips. “I have to agree, this might be the best course of action for you, mostly because it’s the only way you’ll know whether this is…hmm, let’s say an external thing or an internal one.”
“You mean, whether it’s real or not?” I say. “You can say it, you know. I won’t get upset.”
He shakes his head. “But I don’t mean that at all. As I said, Matt is obviously very real to you. Whether or not I can perceive him is irrelevant to the question of his reality. The question is only whether or not he is a hallucination, and in which case, I’ll help you source the mental healthcare that you need to deal with the situation, or, well, he’s a ghost. And you actually died.” He frowns at his hands. “I’m honestly not sure which of those situations is the one I’d hope for. Either way, you’ve got a hard time ahead of you.”
I look back at Matt, who’s staring at Daniel intently. Daniel looks up. “I hope that, no matter what situation you find yourself in, you know you’ve got a place to come for support. I don’t have all the answers, of course, and as I said, this is breaking new ground for me, but I’ll do whatever I can to help.”
I smile, and there’s something under my ribs that feels like it’s uncoiling. “Thank you, Daniel, I really appreciate that.”
“Are we going, then?” Matt asks, his expression sharp and intense. “What are we waiting for?”
I ignore him, stand, and take Daniel’s outstretched hand. He clasps it and gives me a warm smile, his cheeks crinkling up into brackets around his mouth. “You’re welcome any time, Talia. Go safely, won’t you?”
“Come on,” Matt grumbles. I make a point of being in no rush whatsoever. Matt bounces around in front of me when we get back out of the synagogue. “Can we go now?”
“It’s four in the afternoon. We’re going on Saturday.”
“Ugh, you’re so slow!”
I bite down on a smile and march back to the bus stop, my head held high. He’s very easy to annoy.