Chapter 2
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Atticus was right. One time he said you never really know a man until you stand in his shoes and walk around in them. Just standing on the Radley porch was enough.
—Scout Finch in To Kill a Mockingbird
Katrina was consistent. No matter the situation and regardless of who was involved, things were always simple for her. She only ever saw things from her own perspective, unable to appreciate or even fathom others' points of view. Her narrow viewpoint provided her with a sense of security and comfort because she thought that everybody else shared it. Not surprisingly, Katrina's friendships did not last long, as others quickly tired of her rigidity. This never concerned her, though, as she immediately discounted anyone she felt wasn't in her corner.
Maurice was popular in large part because he seemed to care about everyone. He was a good listener, but it was more than that: he actually took the time to learn what others were saying and thinking. He understood the complexities of other people's situations and appreciated the challenges that they might pose—whether in school, discussing other cultures in World History, or in the community, serving meals at a homeless shelter on weekends. He was acutely aware of the disparity in resources available to his classmates, some of whom spent their vacations in Paris while others stayed home watching television. He was gracious in his judgments and tended to give others the benefit of the doubt. Maurice's teachers often told him that they thought he would be a great teacher.
Katrina and Maurice are archetypes, as are the other students profiled at the beginning of Chapters 3–6. Though it's unlikely that many students will suit each profile perfectly, we've all worked with students who lean more or less in a certain direction. By understanding our students not only as learners but as people, we can help them to successfully develop the attributes that they will need to thrive in the world beyond school.
In addition to student profiles, each of the chapters on the Formative Five success skills includes a self-assessment survey for teachers; I encourage you to take a moment and complete each one as you come to it. (Self-assessment surveys for students can be found in Appendix A.) Figure 2.1 shows the self-assessment survey for empathy.
Note: The following survey is designed to provide a sense of your feelings about empathy. It is a tool to elicit reflection and discussion, not a scientifically valid instrument. Directions: Place a 1 (strongly disagree), 2 (disagree), 3 (not sure), 4 (agree), or 5 (strongly agree) after each item.
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Scoring:
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If you scored
Note: You can find an empathy self-assessment survey for students in Appendix A. |
Collins English Dictionary defines empathy as "the psychological identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another." In his book Empathy (2014), Roman Krznaric calls it "the art of stepping imaginatively into the shoes of [other people], understanding their feelings and perspectives, and using that understanding to guide your actions" (p. x)—and notes that empathy "is now acknowledged as an essential ingredient of well-being" (p. 34). There is an emotional aspect to empathy; it conveys feeling rather than an objective appraisal. In fact, the word itself is derived from the Greek empatheia, which roughly translates into "passion." As Jessica Lahey (2014) writes, "In order to be truly empathetic, children need to learn more than simple perspective-taking; they need to know how to value, respect and understand another person's views, even when they don't agree with them."
Although they sound alike, empathy and sympathy are quite different. We can sympathize with the plights of others without fully understanding—that is, empathizing with—their unique perspectives. As Lahey points out, because empathy is based on an interpersonal connection, it allows us to engage in deeper relationships with one another than mere sympathy does. Brené Brown captures the difference between the two sentiments well when she notes, "Empathy fuels connections, sympathy drives disconnection" (quoted in Heick, 2015).
Of course, it is essential for our empathy to be rooted in an accurate understanding of others' perspectives. Daniel Goleman (2006) notes that, to some, "empathic accuracy represents … the essential expertise in social intelligence" because it "builds on primal empathy but adds an explicit understanding of what someone else feels and thinks," and that a "deficit in such accuracy bodes poorly: one sign of a rockier relationship can be read when a partner realizes the other feels bad but has no clue as to what exactly might be on their mind" (pp. 88–89). True empathy begins with listening—taking the time not just to hear but to understand what someone else is thinking and feeling.
There is a reason that I chose to begin our discussion of the Formative Five with a chapter devoted to empathy: as I have grown older, I have come to value its importance more and more. When I think about the qualities that I want in work colleagues, I realize that kindness and care are at the top of the list. Of course, knowledge, skills, and work ethic are incredibly important, but I spend a lot of time and invest a great deal of emotional energy at work, so I want to be able to trust and lean on the people around me.
The same is true of those with whom I spend my downtime. Whether it's during my Saturday morning basketball game, at my monthly book group, or when meeting a friend to solve the world's problems over coffee, I want to be around people who are kind and caring—who understand me and know how I am feeling. When I sense that kind of empathy, I feel more confident that we can develop a relationship based on real trust. Whether I'm hiring a new employee or inviting someone to join my book group, I always ask myself: "Is this person caring and kind?"
There are wonderful teachers in every school, and while they vary in training and background, they all have one thing in common: empathy. To quote Homar Tavangar (2014), "Empathy is the most important back-to-school supply for teachers." Or as Carly Andrews, principal of Bosque Middle School in Albuquerque, New Mexico, says, "Empathy is central to great teaching and when it is lacking, ideas narrow, compassion wanes, and the great health of the teacher-family-child relational dynamic diminishes" (personal correspondence, January 27, 2016).
As we prepare our students for success beyond school, we need to understand that empathy is also an important business attribute. In a New York Times article about the hiring process, communications-service executive Stewart Butterfield makes the following observation:
When we talk about the qualities we want in people, empathy is a big one. If you can empathize with people, then you can do a good job. If you have no ability to empathize, then it's difficult to give people feedback, and it's difficult to help people improve. Everything becomes harder. (Bryant, 2015)
In the absence of kindness and caring, relationships are destined to fail. In his classic article "Social Behavior as Exchange," George Homans (1958) points out that we remain in relationships because of what we derive from them, whether tangible (e.g., money or skills) or intangible (e.g., the pleasure of another's company). As long as our gains exceed our costs, we are content. Luckily, interpersonal relationships are not zero-sum; in fact, the more each party gains from one, the stronger the relationship becomes! As Brené Brown says in her book Rising Strong (2015), "When you practice empathy and compassion with someone, there [aren't fewer] of these qualities to go around"; there are more (p. 392). (Though it may sometimes appear as though people choose to stay in harmful relationships against their better interests, many of them feel that the cost of cutting ties would be even worse than that of staying.)
From the Crusades to slavery to the Holocaust, the history of humankind is littered with examples of a mass lack of empathy resulting in cruelty to others and the persecution of different groups. Without empathy, we tend to divide people into "us" and "them," which leads to suspicion, miscommunication, and conflict. Bullying results from a lack of empathy, and its consequences can be long-lasting: adults with misanthropic tendencies are likely to have been bullied or taken advantage of as children. As Daniel Goleman (1995) notes, one "psychological fault line is common to rapists, child molesters, and many perpetrators of family violence alike: they are incapable of empathy" (p. 106).
In addition to seeing the world through an "us-versus-them" lens, strict adherence to authority and a desire to satisfy a peer group—to go along to get along—can lead to a marked reduction in sensitivity to the plight of others. Stanley Milgram's landmark "Behavioral Study of Obedience" (1963) proved this point rather chillingly. For his study, Milgram recruited white male volunteers aged 25 to 50 to take part in an experiment in which they were to play the role of "teacher" and follow the directions of a man wearing a gray technician's coat. The man told the volunteers to inflict electric shocks on a "learner" (actually an actor) positioned behind a wall, ostensibly to determine the effects of the shocks on learning; the more supposed mistakes the "learner" made on his unspecified assignment, the stronger the shocks the recruits were to administer. As the experiment wore on, the volunteers were asked to inflict increasingly painful levels of voltage to the "learner," and they complied time after time, despite the anguished cries of pain from the other side of the wall—simply because an authority figure had exhorted them to do so.
Milgram's findings are dramatic and disturbing. Twenty-six of the 40 "teachers" in the initial experiment went far beyond what we would expect and hope, and administered the maximum possible voltage to the "learners." Though many of them expressed unease, they continued to inflict shocks regardless. But why?
I believe that an absence of empathy for the "learner" contributed to the cruelty of the "teachers" in Milgram's experiment. If the volunteers had felt real empathy for the person on the other side of the wall, they wouldn't have been willing to inflict so much pain. Of course, Milgram's experiment was designed to limit empathy: The "teachers" and "learners" did not know one another, did not interact other than to inflict and receive shocks, and were separated by a wall—and the instructor, who wore a technician's coat to reinforce his authority, did not offer the "teachers" the option of stopping.
The notorious 1971 Stanford Prison Experiment (Zimbardo, 2016), in which college students were divided into "prisoners" and "guards," similarly revealed just how precarious our sense of empathy can be. The hostility and cruelty that the "guards" displayed to the "prisoners," whom they had previously seen as equals, was intense and painful to watch. In taking on their roles of authority, the "guards" quickly lost their ability to empathize with "prisoners."
Another well-known experiment that addresses empathy is Jane Elliott's famous "Blue Eyes/Brown Eyes" exercise, which Elliott designed to teach her 3rd graders about discrimination (2006). During the experiment, she asked her students to discriminate against their classmates based on the color of their eyes—and they proved only too happy to do so, reflecting a lack of empathy for those who suffer discrimination.
Unfortunately, lack of empathy and consequent displays of cruelty are not confined to psychological experiments. Perhaps, as Maya Angelou once said, "I think we all have empathy. We may not have enough courage to display it" at all times (Murphy, 2013).
It's human nature for us to retreat to our tribes and to feel most comfortable among those who look, act, and think like us. The ongoing technology explosion only makes this kind of balkanization easier. Consider that it wasn't that long ago that Americans had a choice of a few national television channels to watch, resulting in a relatively homogenized culture. Today, we have so many media sources that it's all too easy to tune in only to those that reinforce our preexisting biases. A Kaiser Family Foundation study notes that "eight- to eighteen-year-olds spend more time with media than in any other activity besides (maybe) sleeping—an average of more than 7½ hours a day, seven days a week" (2010, p. 1).
According to Sherry Turkle (2015), face-to-face conversation is "where we develop the capacity for empathy" (p. 5), so not it's not surprising that "technology is implicated in an assault on empathy" (p. 6). Indeed, the plethora of personal information about people available to all of us in a matter of keystrokes makes it all the easier to select only those whose information matches ours as friends. The opportunities for self-selection on this scale mean that we interact less with those whose viewpoints we don't share, thus making it harder for us to understand and feel empathy to them. Daniel Goleman (2006) quotes Preston and de Waal as saying that "in today's era of e-mail, commuting, frequent moves, and bedroom communities, the scales are increasingly tipped against the automatic and accurate perception of others' emotional state, without which empathy is impossible" (p. 62). Goleman further says that "modern-day social and virtual distances have created an anomaly in human living, though one we now take to be the norm. This separation mutes empathy, absent which altruism falters" (p. 62). Unless our students become hermits or lighthouse keepers, chances are that they will be working with other people in the future. Building and sustaining relationships will be a key to their success—and empathy will be at the root of their ability to do this.
Goleman (2006) observes that empathy begins with listening and understanding, and that "listening well has been found to distinguish the best managers, teachers, and leaders" (p. 88). Truly, listening is the most important leadership skill. Listening is more than hearing; it is taking the time to understand and think about what the other person is saying.
I used to have a poster hanging in my office that said "Life is curvilinear"—meaning that too much of a good thing can end up being a bad thing. An excess of empathy can lead to feelings of guilt, angst, or even depression. Indeed, the term "compassion fatigue" is sometimes applied to people who give so much of themselves to others that they soon deplete their emotional reservoirs.
Though we need to be aware of this danger, I'm not too worried. Society needs more empathy. Then-senator Barack Obama drove the point home well in a commencement speech to the 2006 graduating class of Northwestern University:
There's a lot of talk in this country about the federal deficit. But I think we should talk more about our empathy deficit—the ability to put ourselves in someone else's shoes; to see the world through those who are different from us—the child who's hungry, the laid-off steelworker, the immigrant woman cleaning your dorm room.
As you go on in life, cultivating this quality of empathy will become harder, not easier. There's no community service requirement in the real world; no one forcing you to care. You'll be free to live in neighborhoods with people who are exactly like yourself, and send your kids to the same schools, and narrow your concerns to what's going in your own little circle.
Not only that—we live in a culture that discourages empathy. A culture that too often tells us our principal goal in life is to be rich, thin, young, famous, safe, and entertained. A culture where those in power too often encourage these selfish impulses.
We need to teach empathy to students the same way we would approach teaching them any other skill: by valuing a commitment to growth. No matter how well we may know a skill, there's always room for improvement by way of focus, effort, and reflection. There are six basic steps to developing empathy:
The first two steps—listening and understanding—constitute awareness: Students must first pay attention to others and then take the time to learn what is being said and how (and for more mature students, perceiving what isn't being said). Understanding doesn't necessarily mean agreeing; it simply means having a cognitive grasp of another person's views.
Perhaps the most difficult step in helping students develop empathy is teaching them to internalize what they have learned. To place themselves in other people's shoes and actually experience their feelings—now that's empathy! Projecting is the next step, when students are able to imagine how they would react in the same situation. They can also work to imagine how the perceptions that they hold are perceived by others, and appreciate how easy or difficult that might be for the other person. Together, these opening steps lead students to appreciate how easy or difficult it might be to be someone else in a different context.
Once students have developed empathy, the next step is to create a context for collaborative effort. In step five, students are able to plan a response to a given situation informed by their empathy—perhaps starting with conversations toward common understanding and respect, or attempts to alter the situation, or both—and in step six, they execute their plan. Planning should always be inclusive and collaborative: successful change doesn't come from what we do to or for others, but rather from what we do together.
Each of the Formative Five success skills is best learned actively, by doing. This is particularly true for empathy and embracing diversity, interpersonal skills that we derive by considering and interacting with others. As Krznaric (2014) says, "It is by stepping into the world of experience—through immersions, exploration, and cooperation—that we can make huge leaps in our ability to understand the lives of others" (p. 96).
To develop success skills in our students, we must first develop them in ourselves. We'll never be perfect, and neither will our students, but we do need to be role models—and we must model not only values and skills but also the thoughtful and transparent pursuit of them. We need to consider virtually every interaction as a potential teaching opportunity. "In our educational roles, it is vitally important that we model how empathy has power to influence a variety of contexts and interactions," note Crowley and Saide (2016). Our students need to know that we are all on the same journey—that although we are at different places and making progress at different speeds, we all aspire to the same goals. In this case, we need to consciously step outside of our backgrounds and situations—just as we expect our students to do—and work to understand others.
For all teachers:
For middle and high school teachers,
These analyses can also lend themselves to teaching the differences among mean, median, and mode. (A similar book by the same authors, Hungry Planet: What the World Eats [2005], can be used the same way.)
For elementary school teachers:
For principals:
Similarly, Mark Catalana, director of human resources for the Mehlville (Missouri) School District, asks teacher applicants to describe an occasion when they learned about a student going through a difficult time, and then asks them whether that knowledge changed the way they treated the student. He explains his rationale: "By having empathy, we show a humanistic side of us. I also encourage teachers to open up with those students (without getting too personal) by sharing some of their hurdles they experienced in their life" (personal communication, January 26, 2016).
Sometimes Mark also asks applicants to tell them about any personal struggles they had as children. How did they handle them? Did it affect their schooling? Did anyone in the school help them get through their difficulties? According to Mark, applicants are often puzzled at his line of questioning. "I explain to them that over their careers, at least one child every year in their classroom will go through a personal struggle," he said. "These students won't always come and tell you about it, though. It's up to you as a teacher to look for changes in behavior, socialization, and academics in order to identify those kids. By having empathy, we show a humanistic side of us."
Picture books:
Chapter books: