You lifted me out of the depths . . . you turned my wailing into dancing.
Psalm 30:1, 11
I was born a dreamer; it’s in my blood. My sweet parents always encouraged me to follow what God had put in my heart. The first big dream I remember having as a little girl was to go to the 1996 Summer Olympics as a gymnast. I studied the competitions of the elite gymnasts that my dad recorded for me on our VCR. I memorized and mimicked their every move and position. I worked tirelessly to perfect my skills by spending hours upon hours at the gym. The gym became a second home. It seemed like I had chalk from the uneven bars all over me at all times. I loved it. Gymnastics became a passion—and a dream. After a few years, I started growing and became a tall, lanky gymnast who had lost all control over her long limbs. My growth spurt completely threw off my timing, and I quickly became discouraged. Add in the pain of tendonitis and the fear of some of the big tricks I was learning, and this dream slowly started to lose its appeal. With tears, I let this dream go. A short time later, I wanted to be an Olympic horse jockey and compete in equestrian riding and jumping. Once again, that dream went downhill as I realized I was not brave enough for that.
Falling in Love with a Dream
Around the time I let go of my Olympic dreams is when I started taking ballet classes. It wasn’t love at first sight. It was more of a slow realization that ballet was a good fit for me. My height did not hold me back, and ballet wasn’t nearly as frightening as gymnastics because, for the most part, we stayed fairly close to the ground! My ballet teacher recalls that I came to my first ballet class with no tights (which is pretty much a no-no in the ballet world) and with chalk covering my legs from being at the gym. I was stiff, but she took notice of my strength. I was turned in, but she saw I had the flexibility to turn out. I was also intense and serious, which she knew was needed to be a dancer. And I was disciplined from all my gymnastics training. The music and the movement grabbed my heart. And my dancing journey began.
As I became more and more involved in the ballet world, performing onstage and playing a role captured my heart. It began to dawn on me that I enjoyed not just that dancing was physically challenging; I was delighted to dive into different characters. Although I was falling in love with ballet, at the time I had no idea it would become my profession. In fact, I didn’t even know dancing could be a profession. I will never forget the first time I saw, in person, a performance with real, professional ballet dancers. It was The Nutcracker and the guest artists were two dancers from New York City’s American Ballet Theater. Paloma Herrera danced the role of the Sugar Plum Fairy. She was amazing. She took my breath away. She had the strength, power, and perfect lines of a gymnast but the artistry, softness, and radiance of a ballet dancer. She was this perfect blend of beauty, grace, strength, and athleticism. For the first time, a light bulb went off in my heart. Paloma is doing this for a living. This is her job. She is getting paid to do this. And a seed was planted in me.
After getting more serious about my training, I ventured into auditioning for summer programs and eventually for ballet companies. Dancing professionally became a reality for me, and I’m so incredibly grateful. It never felt like a “job,” and I often couldn’t believe I was getting paid to do what I loved. Becoming a professional ballerina was no easy journey, and it became more of a spiritual one than a physical one as I learned to lean in to my relationship with the Lord for guidance, strength, and help. My dancing journey also propelled me onto a path of dreaming in other areas of my life.
When Dreams Pull Your Heart in Different Directions
After my dream of becoming a professional ballet dancer came true, other dreams would strike a chord in my heart . . . dreams of finding my husband, starting a family, living in a house, being a stay-at-home mom, passing on my faith to my children, writing. I often felt my dreams conflicted with one another. Many times I put pen to paper, asking God how Brian, babies, and ballet fit together. There were geographical, physical, and emotional obstacles. My dreams and my heart’s desires seemed to pull me in different directions at times.
But dreaming, I now realize, is one of God’s tools to draw us close to Him.
One night a couple of years ago, Brian surprised me by arranging a sitter to watch our boys while we went on a date to hear an interview with a ballerina I had admired for years. By this point, I was living my dreams of being a professional ballerina as well as a wife and a mom. My hope at the time was to keep dancing for several more years, so I was ready to soak in any words of wisdom she had to help me in my dancing career. I wanted to know the secrets to her success.
We got all dressed up, fancier than my typical jeans and flip-flops, and headed downtown to hear what this famous and extremely talented dancer had to say. In the car, my heart leapt with excitement as I anticipated her message. I was also extra giddy that my sweet husband would surprise me with a night out. We found two vacant seats in an intimate and completely packed theater. The audience represented all walks of life, all ages, from little ballerinas to older couples.
The lights dimmed and the famous ballerina stepped out onto the stage. We all went bananas with cheers and applause. She settled into her chair across from the man who would be interviewing her and told her incredible story of trials and triumphs. Then she offered up the microphone for a question and answer time. Too many hands to count popped up from the audience. The questions that came up the most were something to the effect of “What got you through all those hard times?” and “What would be your message to people who are following their dreams?” Her answers echoed with the overarching theme of “pull yourself up, work as hard as you possibly can, be determined to succeed, and you can make your dreams come true.”
As she spoke, I felt a heaviness, an uneasiness, because my heart wanted to hear God somewhere in the equation of following my dreams. Hers was the message I was used to hearing in the ballet world, but I wondered where God fit into it. I don’t believe she said anything wrong, and clearly she had worked incredibly hard to get to where she was. Talk about a life of sacrifice, discipline, and hard work. I knew those things were part of following my dreams. Ballet was not an easy profession. The bloody blisters on my toes, aching pains in my ankles, and sore muscles all over my body were part of a normal workday. Sweat, tears, hard work, and the quest for perfection were part of the job. But was that it? The evening seemed to stir up all my dreaming questions again.
I know part of my heaviness was because I’m a thinker, a feeler, and a gal who had fallen in love with Jesus. I longed to know how He fit into this dreaming dance. That ballerina’s message seemed like the popular message of our current culture—dream big, follow your dreams, be determined, go for it, make things happen, push yourself. But as a believer, I started wondering, What’s the message for women who desire to follow God and follow their dreams? I was suddenly very aware that the world’s message and God’s message seemed to be two different paths.
As Brian and I waited in a line to meet the famous ballerina and get her autograph, I tried to shove down all my dreaming thoughts and questions. The uncomfortable angst of figuring out how to flesh out my walk with Jesus in regard to the dreams of my heart gnawed at me. As we drove to one of our favorite restaurants just north of downtown Dallas, I truthfully felt confused (hence the deep thinker in me). Do I want to follow my dreams? Am I following the right ones? Does Jesus care about my dreams? Do I have to make my dreams and my life happen all on my own by working really hard? These thoughts lingered in my head and my heart over fajitas and guacamole. What did God have to say?
Your Dreaming Journey
Sometimes I wish I could go with the flow a bit more and just be okay with the simple idea that “You can make your dreams come true.” I wish I could rest in that and joyfully go about chasing those dreams down. But I’ve always sensed a red flag in my heart regarding that message, which doesn’t completely resonate with me. It felt like the world’s message conflicted with my faith in the Lord. The world seemed to shout, chase, strive, and make it happen, but Scripture echoed trust God, be still, and wait on Him. The two messages felt at odds with each other. That evening is one of the many times I have heard that type of message and have felt that little red flag go up. My dreaming journey involved learning to dream with God.
I’m so excited to bring this dreaming message to your heart. I invite you to explore with me to see if there is another way to follow your dreams. I’m not a famous ballerina. Not even close. I’m a wife. I’m a mom. I like to write. And I danced. That’s me, and if we could sit together over coffee or tea and discuss this dreaming dance, maybe you would ask, “What’s the key to following the dreams God has for you?” I would smile inside, because while I don’t know all the answers, I have so felt the same question. In that moment, I would grab a refill of coffee, pull out my stacks of journals, push them all toward you, and say something like this: “Dreaming with God is the sweetest dance. I don’t have all the answers, but here’s what I’ve learned from seeking the Lord in my dreaming questions.”
So I’m giving you all I’ve got. My hope is that you’re able to unravel your heart from the world’s rhythms and find a new rhythm of prayer and surrender in your dreaming journey by dreaming with Him. A new level of grace, joy, peace, and rest in His plans for you by dreaming with Him. These plans may be different from your own. And that can be hard to hear in a “dream big” kind of world. But I believe God has called us to dream with Him, and when we do, our hearts will begin to dance in a new way.
When we accept God’s invitation to dream with Him, we’re relieved of the pressure to hold our lives and our dreams together on our own. We instead find a sweet spot of living out the dreams God created us for. In that choice—and it’s a daily one—Christ takes the lead, and we find jewels along our life paths. We’re going to dig up those jewels throughout these pages. The biggest impact we can make on the world is to be close to Jesus, and following our dreams with the Lord becomes the road map to a deeper relationship with Him.
The world will continue to encourage us to follow our dreams on our own, to dream big and make things happen for ourselves. And, truthfully, I don’t think anything is wrong with that! I just believe God wants in on the plan. God wants in on our dreaming journeys. He offers a message that’s whispered, not shouted. A narrow road. A quiet path. An unpopular and countercultural way of dreaming. His plans may not involve fame, fortune, and bright lights, but could they be more satisfying and sweeter than we could imagine?
Prayer, Scripture, and Reflection
for Your Dreaming Heart
Lord, I bring You all my questions and confusion about the messages I have heard. I invite You to open my heart to see You in this dreaming dance.
“You lifted me out of the depths . . . you turned my wailing into dancing.” Psalm 30:1, 11
“Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the one who takes refuge in him.” Psalm 34:8
“The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18
“Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.” Psalm 42:11
1. What are your dreams and desires?
2. In regard to following your dreams, what message from the world do you hear most often?
3. How have the messages of the world affected the way you go about following your dreams?
4. What dreams do you feel discouraged about?