Chapter Sixteen

Everything around me is glowing slightly. The trees drop water onto my face; the tiny, buffed jewels falling toward me like I’m gravity. Sabrina pulls herself out of me and I drop back into my body. She stands, glowing across from me, the only source of light in the wooded vicinity. Without her in my skin, I begin to feel again. I’m too dizzy and exhausted to stand up. My arms are weak and achy, like I’ve been doing push-ups or . . .

Digging.

My eyes track Sabrina’s silent form as it passes through the ferns to the shovel. To a pile of dirt. She lies on top of it, curls into the fetal position. She looks vulnerable, even though all possible harm has already found its way into her physical form.

This is when I know I’m not dreaming: Sabrina sits up. I mirror her, hoisting myself up on shaking arms. Thank you. This one is deep enough.

“I can’t remember—”

You gave me your permission to use your body to dig a proper grave.

“I don’t remember—”

You will soon. Her voice is soft but urgent. They’re looking for you.

“Who?” A flashlight beam cuts through the side of her head, splitting her face diagonally. “Asha?” It’s Mum calling into the dark.

“Asha Walker?” Another voice. Not Mum’s. Deep and authoritative. Not Jeff.

“What about Ellis?” If Sabrina is going to rest now, who will protect the house? Is she going to rest now? Is this closure? How did I get here? I’m not even wearing shoes.

He won’t find peace. He doesn’t even know who he is. No matter how much you try to make this house safe, it’s built on blood-soaked soil. More than my blood.

“What do I do?”

Burn it down. Sabrina’s fading in pulses now. She lays back down. The beam cuts through the clearing and I hear Mum calling my name again.

“I can’t do that—”

Then get out. This house is death. Without Aggie alive, this house is just death.

“Why can’t you do it yourself?”

He’s always in the way. Watching. I need you to help me. Burn it down. Please.

And she’s gone. Doesn’t Sabrina know I’m a teenager? Doesn’t she know I can’t just burn it all to the ground without hurting everyone? Without hurting myself?

A gunshot rings out in the woods, and I hear a scream. Something heavy hits the forest floor.

I lie down and curl into myself, just like Sabrina. I can feel my core trying to light a fire to keep me warm. I lose track of everything, and then Mum is over top of me, laying her coat down, lifting me up and holding me. I’m so small and so big in her arms. Once I was just an egg. How did I get here? How did I get here? I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t ask for this I didn’t ask for this I didn’t ask for this I didn’t—

And I’m in bed, and Mum is patting my head. I’m warm again. Her eyebrows are so tight together it splits her forehead in two.

“Was it real?” I know it was real for me. What was it for her? Who was shot?

She can barely bring herself to speak. Her bottom lip trembles. “I found you in the woods.”

It was real for her too.

“What were you doing there?”

I can’t say.

“Asha, how did you end up there?”

I can’t say.

“I woke up and your bed was empty. Do you know how terrifying that is? As your mother?”

I can’t say.

“I had to call Joe Levesque to help search for you out there. He was off duty. There’s a history of women disappearing in this town.”

“Sabrina.” I’m calling to her, not answering Traci, but Traci’s face blanches.

“Sabrina? How do you know about that?”

Sabrina’s nowhere nearby. How could she put me in this situation where Traci would call the cops on me, even if Cole didn’t.

“I called the Levesque-Gergeses, but they hadn’t seen you either. The door downstairs was open, and you were—” Her tears drop heavily onto the pillow beside me. So different from the jewels of the rain. These drops are messy. They sink into the fabric, make it heavy.

“I don’t want to be here—” It’s all I can get out before I start crying and Mum holds me, whispers, “I know. I know. I know,” until I fall asleep again.