Chapter 6

The How to

There are three steps involved in solving a problem collaboratively: the Empathy step, the Define Adult Concerns step, and the Invitation step. In this chapter, you'll be reading quite a bit about each step. Even though you may already be familiar with the three steps, you'll probably find information in this chapter that takes you even further.

The Empathy Step Gathering Information and Understanding

The Empathy step is where you'll be gathering information from a student about her concern, perspective, or point of view on a specific expectation she's having difficulty meeting. You'll be doing that proactively most of the time.

Just like adults, kids have important, legitimate concerns: fatigue, fear, a preference for doing (and not doing) certain things, and the tendency to avoid things that are scary or that make them uncomfortable or at which they don't feel competent. Your mission in the Empathy step is to demonstrate to the student that you're really interested in and curious about those concerns.

How do you do that? When you're using Proactive Plan B, the process of information gathering and understanding begins with an introduction to the unsolved problem. The introduction usually begins with the words “I've noticed that …” and ends with the words “What's up?” In between, you're inserting an unsolved problem. The introduction is made much easier—and, as you know, the likelihood that the student will respond is much greater—if you stick with the general guidelines for writing unsolved problems you read about in chapter 4. Here are some examples of what the introduction would sound like, using some unsolved problems from prior chapters:

“I've noticed that you're having difficulty moving from English to social studies. What's up?”

“I've noticed that you're having difficulty moving from recess back into the classroom. What's up?”

“I've noticed that you're having difficulty completing the word problems on the worksheet in math. What's up?”

“I've noticed that you're having difficulty getting started on the geography project in history. What's up?”

Pretty straightforward so far, yes? Before we get to the hard parts, let's review a few points. First, you're not teaching any lessons in the Empathy step. Actually, you're not teaching lessons in any of the three steps. You're not being judgmental either. You're also not saying many of the standard things adults say in response to kids' concerns. So you wouldn't respond to “I don't like sitting next to Alberto” with “Oh, come on, he's not so bad!” You wouldn't respond to “The double-digit division problems are too hard for me” with “Oh, you'll be fine … we just need some more effort here.” And you wouldn't respond to “I don't want to work with Tina on the Galileo project” with “Part of growing up is learning to work with people we don't like.” These are responses that cause kids to feel (often accurately) that their concerns are being ignored, disregarded, dismissed, diminished, or blown off the table. They also cause kids to stop talking. Then you don't have a problem-solving partner, and the problems don't get solved.

We adults often think we already know what's getting in the kid's way on a given problem, which may help explain why we often don't put much energy into finding out.

Some adults have never considered it especially important to gather information about and understand a kid's concern, perspective, or point of view. That's why many kids—perhaps most, unfortunately—are accustomed to having their concerns go unheeded and unaddressed. After all, we adults often think we already know what's getting in the kid's way on a given problem, which may help explain why we often don't put much energy into finding out. As you've read, the bad news is that, quite often, our assumptions about kids' concerns are way off base. That's why our solutions—which are based on those assumptions—often turn out to be ineffective. Still more bad news: kids who are accustomed to having their concerns dismissed tend to be far less receptive to hearing your concerns. The Empathy step doesn't require that you be a skilled mind reader, but you do need to become highly skilled at gathering information from your students.

Another reason adults tend to blow past kids' concerns is that we have concerns of our own, which we're eager to express. And often we've already decided on a solution anyway, one that addresses only our own concerns and that we're busy imposing.

Those are habits that we'll need to break.

Now on to the hard parts. After you ask, “What's up?” one of five things is going to happen:

Possibility 1: She says something.

Possibility 2: She says nothing or “I don't know.”

Possibility 3: She says, “I don't have a problem with that.”

Possibility 4: She says, “I don't want to talk about it right now.”

Possibility 5: She becomes defensive and says something like, “I don't have to talk to you” (or worse).

Let's flesh out each of these possibilities.

Possibility 1: She Says Something

If, after the problem is introduced, the student starts talking, that's good. Now you need to keep her talking, because her initial response is unlikely to provide you with a clear understanding of her concern, perspective, or point of view. You're going to need to probe for more information. The probing process—called “drilling for information”—is actually pretty hard for many adults, especially in the beginning, mostly because they're not sure what to say. Difficulty with drilling causes many Plan B ships to run aground, thereby causing many Plan B captains to abandon ship. The good news is that there are some strategies to help you master the drilling process so that the Plan B boat stays afloat.

First, notice, the word is “drill,” not “grill.” The primary goal of drilling is to clarify, whereas grilling tends to be an act of intimidation, or a sign that you anticipate that the student won't be forthcoming or will lie. Your goal is to demonstrate to the student that your attempt to understand her concern or perspective isn't fake or perfunctory. You're really curious … you really want to understand.

Second, drilling is not the same thing as talking. There are educators who frequently talk to their students, but never achieve a clear understanding of students' concerns or perspectives on specific unsolved problems. Drilling is much harder than simply talking.

The following drilling strategies should help in the Knowing What to Say Department:

Drilling Strategy 1—Use Reflective listening

This is where you're simply mirroring or repeating back whatever the student just said to you. Let's say you inquired about a student having difficulty sitting next to her classmate, Alberto, during circle time. If the student responds with, “I just don't like it,” your response would be, “Ah, you just don't like it.” Then you'd add a clarifying question or statement, such as “How so?” or “I don't quite understand” or “I'm confused” or “Can you say more about that?” or “What do you mean?” If this sounds a little basic, maybe so. But reflective listening is your default drilling strategy. It helps kids feel heard. It helps kids feel understood. It clarifies and validates their concerns. And it keeps them talking. You could ask for nothing more from a drilling strategy. If you're in the midst of the Empathy step and you're not sure what to say or which drilling strategy to use, reflective listening is always a safe bet.

Reflective listening is your default drilling strategy. It helps kids feel heard. It helps kids feel understood. It clarifies and validates their concerns. And it keeps them talking.

Drilling Strategy 2—Ask “W questions” (who, what, or where/when)

These questions are another good way to demonstrate that you're really listening and need additional information. Examples: “Who's been giving you a hard time on the school bus?” “What's making it hard for you to complete your science homework?” “Where/when is Kyle teasing you?” Remember, drilling is about gathering information, and “W questions” are a straightforward way to do so. Notice that there's another W question—Why?—that you should not be asking very often; that question often elicits the kid's theory, and quite possibly one that the child inherited from an adult.

Drilling Strategy 3—Ask about the situational nature of the unsolved problem

At times, it may appear as though the student is actually capable of meeting a given expectation because she sometimes does. This often leads adults to jump to the conclusion that the kid can meet the expectation when she feels like it, and that she doesn't meet the expectation when she doesn't feel like it. The reality is that there may be nuanced, subtle differences between similar expectations that explain the inconsistency. Rather than jump to conclusions related to poor motivation—“I know she can do the math when she wants to! She did it yesterday!”—you'd be better off seeking clarification from the student. Remember, when you're drilling, you're off the hook for mind reading or figuring things out on your own. Here's what this strategy might sound like: “So, help me understand how you're able to do the math homework sometimes and sometimes you can't.” Or “So, sometimes you're on time for school and other times you're not. Help me understand that.”

Drilling Strategy 4—Ask the student what she's thinking in the midst of the unsolved problem

This is an outstanding drilling strategy. “So, when you're sitting at your desk trying to do the double-digit division problems, what are you thinking?” Notice, you're not asking her what she's feeling. It's not that asking a student what she's feeling is a crime; it's just that the answer (happy, sad, frustrated, embarrassed, bored) won't generally provide you with the information you're seeking about her concern, perspective, or point of view. Also notice that you're not asking her what she needs … that question is more likely to prompt her to offer a solution rather than a concern, and you're not ready to start thinking about solutions until the Invitation step.

Drilling Strategy 5—Break the unsolved problem down into its component parts

Most unsolved problems have multiple components. For example, coming into the classroom to get started with the school day has different components (hang up your coat, take off your snow boots, sit down at your desk, start your morning reading assignment, and so on). And getting ready to go home at the end of the day has components (reviewing homework assignments, packing up your backpack with the necessary materials for homework, putting on snow boots and coat, going to the school bus, and so on). But kids sometimes need help identifying those components so that they can tell which component is causing them to struggle:

1. TEACHER, INTRODUCTION: I've noticed that it's been difficult for you to get ready to go home at the end of the school day. What's up?
2. STUDENT: I don't know.
3. TEACHER: Do you want to think about it a little?
4. STUDENT, AFTER THINKING: I really don't know.
5. TEACHER: Would it help if we thought about the different parts of getting ready to go home at the end of the school day?
6. STUDENT: OK.
7. TEACHER: Well, first you have to look at your homework sheet so you can figure out what materials you're going to need for homework that night. Is that hard?
8. STUDENT: No.
9. TEACHER: So you're not having any difficulty looking at your homework sheet so you can figure out what materials you're going to need for homework that night?
10. STUDENT: No.
11. TEACHER: OK, the next thing you need to do is get all the materials you're going to need into your backpack. Is that part hard?
12. STUDENT: Getting things into my backpack?
13. TEACHER: Yes.
14. STUDENT: Yes.
15. TEACHER: It is? What's hard about it?
16. STUDENT: I can't always find everything I'm going to need.
17. TEACHER: What's hard about finding everything you need?
18. STUDENT: Sometimes I work with Mrs. Cassidy in a different room, and sometimes I leave stuff in her room. And sometimes I'm not sure if the stuff I need is in my locker, because I might have left it somewhere else. And sometimes Tim asks if he can borrow my books, and sometimes he doesn't give stuff back.
19. TEACHER: I think I understand.

Good. That's better than not understanding.

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Watch an administrator practice drilling strategies with a student having trouble in some of her classes. Go to http://livesinthebalance.org/step-three-fourth-video.

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1. Drilling Strategy 6—Make a discrepant observation
2. This involves making an observation that differs from what the student has described about a particular situation. It's the riskiest (in terms of causing the child to stop talking) of all the drilling strategies. That's because many kids—perhaps especially those frequently accused of lying—misinterpret a discrepant observation as an accusation of dishonesty. Fortunately, you're not accusing her of lying; you're simply pointing out that your observations differ from hers. Just because your experience of reality differs from the student's doesn't mean she's lying. She's entitled to her reality.

   Here's what a discrepant observation might sound like: “I know you're saying that you and Felicia are getting along fine these days, but yesterday at recess you two weren't getting along very well at all. What do you think was going on with that?”

1. Drilling Strategy 7—Table (and ask for more concerns) This is where you're “shelving” some concerns the child has already articulated so as to facilitate consideration of other concerns. You're not dismissing the earlier concerns; you're just putting them on the back burner temporarily so as to clear space for consideration of other possible concerns.

   Example: “So if you didn't leave things in Mrs. Cassidy's room, and if you knew whether the things you need for homework were in your locker, and if Tim was giving you back the things he borrowed … would there be anything else that would make it difficult for you get ready to go home at the end of the day?”

2. Drilling Strategy 8—Summarize (and ask for more concerns) This is where you're summarizing concerns you've already heard about and then asking if there are any other concerns that haven't yet been discussed. This is the recommended strategy to use before moving on to the Define Adult Concerns step, just to make sure there are no other concerns.

   Example: “Let me make sure I understand everything you've said. It's hard for you to ride on the school bus because it's too loud, and because they're making you sit three to a seat so it's really crowded, and because you never get to sit on the aisle, and because Steve is picking on you and the bus driver always blames you. Is there anything else that's hard for you about riding on the school bus?”

By the way, these eight strategies are summarized on the Drilling Cheat Sheet. In your first twenty Plan Bs, you may want to have it in front of you for easy reference.

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Drilling Cheat Sheet

The goal of the Empathy step is to gather information from the child about his or her concern or perspective on the unsolved problem you're discussing (preferably proactively). For many adults, this is the most difficult part of Plan B, as they often find that they are at a loss for words and unsure of what to ask next. So here's a brief summary of different strategies for drilling for information:

Reflective Listening and Clarifying Statements

Reflective listening basically involves repeating what a child has said and then encouraging her to provide additional information by using clarifying questions or statements.

Examples of Clarifying Questions and Statements:

• “How so?”
• “I don't quite understand.”
• “I'm confused.”
• “Can you say more about that?”
• “What do you mean?”

Reflective listening is your “default” drilling strategy. If you aren't sure of which strategy to use or what to say next, use this strategy.

Asking About the Who, What, Where/When of the Unsolved Problem

Examples:

1. “Who was making fun of your clothes?”
2. “What's getting in the way of completing the science project?”
3. “Where is Eddie bossing you around?”

Asking about Why the Problem Occurs under Some Conditions and Not Others

Example:

“You seem to be doing really well with Taylor in your work group in math … but not so well in your work group in social studies … what's getting in the way in social studies?”

Asking the Child What She's Thinking in the Midst of the Unsolved Problem

Notice, this is different than asking the child what she is feeling, which doesn't usually provide much information about the child's concern or perspective on an unsolved problem.

Example:

“What were you thinking when Mrs. Thompson told the class to get to work on the science quiz?”

Breaking the Problem Down into Its Component Parts

Example:

“So writing the answers to the questions on the science quiz is hard for you … but you're not sure why. Let's think about the different parts of answering questions on the science quiz. First, you have to understand what the question is asking. Is that part hard for you? Next, you need to think of the answer to the question. Is that part hard? Next, you have to remember the answer long enough to write it down. Are you having trouble with that part? Then you have to actually do the writing. Any trouble with that part?”

Making a Discrepant Observation

This involves making an observation that differs from what the child is describing about a particular situation. It's the riskiest (in terms of causing the child to stop talking) of all the drilling strategies.

Example:

“I know you're saying that you haven't been having any difficulty with Chad on the playground lately, but I recall a few times last week when you guys were having a big disagreement about the rules in the four-square game. What do you think was going on with that?”

Tabling (and Asking for More Concerns)

This is where you're “shelving” some concerns the child has already discussed so as to permit consideration of other concerns.

Example:

“So if Timmy wasn't sitting too close to you, and Robbie wasn't making noises, and the floor wasn't dirty, and the buttons in your pants weren't bothering you … is there anything else that would make it difficult for you to participate in Morning Meeting?”

Summarizing (and Asking for More Concerns)

This is where you're summarizing concerns you've already heard about and then asking if there are any other concerns that haven't yet been discussed. This is the recommended strategy to use before moving on to the Define Adult Concerns step.

Example:

“Let me make sure I understand all of this correctly. It's hard for you to do your social studies worksheet for homework because writing down the answers is still hard for you, and because sometimes you don't understand the question, and because Mrs. Langley hasn't yet covered the material on the worksheet. Is there anything else that's hard for you about completing the social studies worksheet for homework?”

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To download the Drilling Cheat Sheet, go to www.livesinthebalance.org/LostandFound.

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Here's an example of what drilling might sound like, with examples of some of the different drilling strategies, with a younger student:

1. TEACHER: I've noticed that you've been having difficulty keeping your hands to yourself standing in line on the way to lunch. What's up?
2. LARA: It's not fair.
3. TEACHER, USING REFLECTIVE LISTENING: It's not fair. I'm sorry; I don't quite understand what you mean. What's not fair?
4. LARA: It's not fair how you do the lines.
5. TEACHER, USING REFLECTIVE LISTENING AGAIN: It's not fair how I do the lines. I'm still a little confused. Can you help me understand what you mean?
6. LARA: You always make me walk with you in the back of the line.
7. TEACHER, ASKING A W QUESTION: Well, yes, I've been having you walk with me in the back of the line for the past week or so because you've been having trouble keeping your hands to yourself. But now I'm trying to understand what's making it hard for you to keep your hands to yourself. Can you help me understand that better?
8. LARA: (shrugs)
9. TEACHER, REPEATING THE W QUESTION: Well, think about it for a minute. We're not in a rush. What's making it hard for you to keep your hands to yourself when you're in line on the way to lunch?
10. LARA: I want to be in front of Emily.
11. Teacher, using reflective listening: You want to be in front of Emily. Help me understand that.
12. LARA: Emily's always in front of me because of the way you do the lines.
13. TEACHER, USING A W QUESTION: What is it about having Emily in front of you that you don't like?
14. LARA: I never get to be first in line.
15. TEACHER, USING REFLECTIVE LISTENING: You never get to be first in line. What do you mean?
16. LARA: I've never been first in line.
17. TEACHER: You haven't?
18. LARA: Never.
19. TEACHER: Because we go in alphabetical order, and you're right after Emily. You haven't had your turn at being first in line?
20. LARA: You skipped me.
21. TEACHER: I did?
22. LARA: You had Emily be first in line twice. Then we went to the back of the line again. I got skipped.
23. TEACHER: Lara, I didn't know that. How come you didn't say anything?
24. LARA: I tried. You told me to be quiet.
25. TEACHER: I'm sorry, Lara. I don't remember you trying to tell me that, but it's definitely something I would have wanted to know. I'm glad you told me now.
26. LARA: (nods)
27. TEACHER, SUMMARIZING: So one of the reasons you're having difficulty keeping your hands to yourself when you're standing in line for lunch is that you want to be in front of Emily because she got to be first in line and you didn't. Are there any other reasons?
28. LARA: Kenny keeps stepping on the back of my shoe.
29. TEACHER, USING REFLECTIVE LISTENING: Kenny keeps stepping on the back of your shoe. Is he behind you in line?
30. LARA: Uh-huh. He thinks it's funny when my shoe comes off. So I try to keep him from being too close to me.
31. TEACHER: And how do you do that?
32. LARA: I push him.
33. TEACHER, SUMMARIZING AGAIN: Goodness, I'm learning a lot here. So one of the reasons you have trouble keeping your hands to yourself is that Kenny is stepping on the back of your shoe. And another reason is that you want to be first in line because we skipped your turn.
34. LARA: (nodding)
35. TEACHER: Any other reasons?
36. LARA: That's it.
37. TEACHER: You sure?
38. LARA: Uh-huh.

OK, so you didn't see every drilling strategy there, but you saw a lot of them. Don't worry, examples of Plan B with older, less congenial students are coming up soon. And the next two steps of Plan B on this problem are coming up soon too. In the meantime, let's think about what was accomplished in that Empathy step. First, the teacher had a fairly standard experience: she obtained new information that differed from her original theory (Lara comes from a tough neighborhood where shoving people is the norm). She also learned why her stopgap solution (having Lara stand in the back of the line with her) won't solve the problem durably: the solution doesn't address Lara's concerns. Because she's solving this problem collaboratively—in partnership with Lara—the teacher has increased the likelihood that Lara will partner with her in solving other problems. And maybe, just maybe, the solution to this problem will be applicable to other circumstances in which Lara is having similar problems keeping her hands to herself when she's standing in line. Nice work.

No matter how fast or slow the Empathy step, you're still saving time. That's because solved problems always take a lot less time than unsolved problems.

By the way, that was a quick Empathy step. Many early Empathy steps—with kids who have many concerns but haven't been provided a forum for expressing them—may last up to thirty minutes. Later Empathy steps tend to be faster. But no matter how fast or slow the Empathy step, you're still saving time. Again, that's because solved problems always take a lot less time than unsolved problems.

Possibility 2: She Says Nothing or “I Don't Know”

This is another possible way in which a student might respond to your initial introduction to an unsolved problem. There are lots of reasons a kid might say nothing or “I don't know.”

1. Your wording is off.

   If you don't word unsolved problems according to the guidelines in chapter 4, you'll increase the likelihood of silence or “I don't know,” often because the kid doesn't completely understand what you're inquiring about or believes that she's in trouble or that you're mad. Perhaps you've only been talking with her about problems when you are mad or she is in trouble, so you'll want to reassure her that you're actually just trying to understand her concerns and solve the problem together.

2. Your timing is off.

   Remember, Emergency Plan B adds heat and time pressure to the mix. Doing Plan B proactively so that the student isn't surprised by your desire to have a discussion—and giving her some advance notice of the topic—can reduce the likelihood of “I don't know” and silence as well.

3. She really doesn't know what her concern is about the problem you're trying to discuss.

   Perhaps you've never inquired about her concerns before, at least not in this way. Perhaps she's never given the matter any thought. Perhaps she's become so accustomed to having her concerns dismissed that she hasn't given thought to her concerns for a very long time.

4. She's had a lot of Plan A in her life, and she's still betting on the Plan A horse.

   You'll have to prove to her—by solving problems collaboratively rather than unilaterally—that you're not riding that horse anymore. By the way, mere reassurance about that won't get the job done … the proof's in the pudding.

5. She may be reluctant to say what's on her mind.

   Perhaps history has taught her that if she says what she thinks, you'll simply disagree or take offense, and it'll cause conflict. Perhaps your reaction to the problem is at the root of her concern, and she's reluctant to say that. Your goal in the Empathy step is to suspend your emotional response to what the student is saying, knowing that if you react emotionally to what you're hearing, she'll clam up, and you won't end up hearing anything. You badly want to understand her concerns, even if her concerns involve you. If you don't know what her concerns are, those concerns won't get addressed, and the problem will remain unsolved. And she'll remain convinced that you're not listening.

6. She's buying time.

   Many kids say “I don't know” instead of “Umm” or “Give me a second” or “Let me think about that a minute.” Since you're not in a rush, you'll be able to give her a second and let her think about it a minute. Many kids say nothing because they're collecting their thoughts or because they're having difficulty putting their thoughts into words. Unfortunately, adults often respond to silence by filling the void with their own concerns, theories, or solutions. In such instances, you've strayed quite far from the main goals of the Empathy step (information gathering and understanding) and made it even more difficult for the student to think. You may need to grow more comfortable with the silence that can occur as a kid is giving thought to her concerns.

Your goal in the Empathy step is to suspend your emotional response to what the student is saying. … If you react emotionally to what you're hearing, she'll clam up, and you won't end up hearing anything.

If you've given a student the chance to think and it's clear that she really has no idea what her concerns are or is simply unable to put her thoughts into words, your best option is to do some educated guessing or hypothesis testing. Here, finally, your theories may actually come in handy. Suggest a few possibilities, based on experience, and see if any ring true:

1. TEACHER: I've noticed that you've had some difficulty going to recess lately. What's up?
2. STUDENT: I don't know.
3. TEACHER: Well, let's think about it. There's no rush.
4. STUDENT, AFTER FIFTEEN SECONDS: I really don't know.
5. TEACHER: Take your time.
6. STUDENT,: AFTER ANOTHER FIVE SECONDS I really don't know.
7. TEACHER: Hmmm. Well, I know some things you've told me before when you didn't want to go to recess. Do you remember what those things were?
8. STUDENT: No.
9. TEACHER: Well, sometimes you're worried that the other kids will get mad at you if you mess up in the game. Is that it?
10. STUDENT: Kind of. There's some sports I'm not that good at.
11. TEACHER: Which ones?
12. STUDENT: Um … like basketball. And four square. But I'm pretty good in kick-ball.
13. TEACHER: What's hard about the other kids getting mad at you?
14. STUDENT: They take it too seriously. Takes the fun out of it.
15. TEACHER: So you said that was kind of the problem. Is there something I'm not understanding about that?
16. STUDENT: No, that's it.
17. TEACHER: Something else you've said is that when there's no organized game going on, you sometimes have trouble finding someone to play with. Is that still true?
18. STUDENT: Not so much. I've been hanging out with Omar and Katie.
19. TEACHER: So it's mainly that you're worried about the kids getting mad at you if you make a mistake?
20. STUDENT: I guess.
21. TEACHER: Well, let's keep thinking … maybe there's something else.
22. STUDENT: Um, when kids are being mean to each other, you're not out there, and the recess monitors don't pay attention.
23. TEACHER: No, I'm not out there during recess. Tell me more about the recess monitors.
24. STUDENT: They don't care if kids are mean to each other, even if I tell them.
25. TEACHER: What do they do if you tell them?
26. STUDENT: They just say stuff like, “Work it out.”
27. TEACHER: And that doesn't help.
28. STUDENT: No.
29. TEACHER: And are you one of the kids who other kids are mean to a lot?
30. STUDENT: Kind of. But there's other kids too.
31. TEACHER: And what are the kids who are being mean doing that's mean?
32. STUDENT: Um … calling names … and ruining people games … and sometimes stealing the ball … stuff like that.
33. TEACHER: Well, I'm very glad you're telling me these things.
34. STUDENT: But I don't want the kids who are being mean knowing that I'm the one who told you.
35. TEACHER: No, this is just between you and me. But I do think I'm going to need some more details. Can we talk about it again tomorrow? I really want to make sure these problems get solved, now that I know about them.
36. STUDENT: What can you do?
37. TEACHER: I'm not sure, but I'd like to see if we can solve them so you can start having fun at recess again.

Another very nice haul of information, though there are still some concerns that require further clarification. But the student's concerns are now one step closer to getting addressed … and the problem is now one step closer to getting solved.

As you're in the midst of hypothesizing, bear in mind that you're proposing possibilities rather than divining the kid's concern. Here's what divining sounds like (this is an example of what not to do):

1. TEACHER: I've noticed that you haven't been too enthusiastic about going to recess lately. What's up?
2. KID I don't know.
3. TEACHER: I think it's because the weather's getting colder, and you don't like going outside when it's cold. I think you're just going to have to dress warmer.

Possibility 3: She Says, “I Don't Have a Problem with That”

Many adults think that if a kid says, “I don't have a problem with that,” the game is over. After all, how can they talk with the kid about a problem if the kid doesn't have a problem with the problem? But this response isn't a dead end at all; indeed, it's usually the jumping-off point for learning more about her concern, perspective, or point of view. While it's entirely possible that she isn't as concerned about the problem as you are, that doesn't mean you can't proceed with Plan B. The first drilling strategy (reflective listening) should serve you well as an initial response. Here's what it would sound like with an older, more reluctant participant:

1. TEACHER: I've noticed it's been difficult for you to get to school lately. What's up?
2. STUDENT: I don't have a problem with that.
3. TEACHER: Ah, you don't have a problem with that. I'm sorry, I'm not sure I understand what you mean.
4. STUDENT: I mean I don't really care if I come to school.
5. TEACHER: Ah, you don't really care if you come to school. Can you say more about that?
6. STUDENT: It doesn't really matter.
7. TEACHER: It doesn't really matter. What do you mean?
8. STUDENT: I'm dropping out as soon as I can anyway.
9. TEACHER: You're dropping out as soon as you can.
10. STUDENT: So there's not much point in being here.
11. TEACHER: I suppose not. But tell me about dropping out.
12. STUDENT: There's no point.
13. TEACHER: There's no point in staying in school or there's no point in talking about it?
14. STUDENT: Um, both, I guess.
15. TEACHER: OK. Well, we don't have to talk about it, but I sure would like to know what's making it so you're going to drop out as soon as you can.
16. STUDENT: I hate it here. I mean, no offense.
17. TEACHER: No offense taken. I really want to understand.
18. STUDENT: Well, you're not talking me out of it.
19. TEACHER: I wasn't going to try.
20. STUDENT: I've never done good in school. Never. I stopped trying a long time ago.
21. TEACHER: When did you stop trying?
22. STUDENT: Like, third grade.
23. TEACHER: That was a long time ago. What caused you to stop trying in the third grade?
24. STUDENT: Do we have to talk about this?
25. TEACHER: No, we don't have to. But I would like to understand.
26. STUDENT: I was getting in trouble a lot … and getting suspended a lot … and my mom was whupping me every time I got suspended … and I couldn't read … and they tried helping me with the reading, but it didn't help.
27. TEACHER: So is reading still hard for you?
28. STUDENT: Uh-huh. But I don't want anyone to know.
29. TEACHER: Your secret is safe with me.

She talked. And it sounds like she has some concerns that have gone unaddressed for a long time. We'll have to learn more about them. Don't worry, we'll come back to that one later in the chapter, too.

Possibility 4: She Says “I Don't Want to Talk About It Right Now”

Fortunately, she doesn't have to talk about it right now, and it's a good idea to let her know that. Many kids start talking the instant they're given permission not to talk. If she truly doesn't want to talk about it right now, it's likely she has a good reason; maybe she'll talk about that. A lot of kids will talk about why they don't want to talk about something, which is very informative in its own right. Then, after they're through talking about that, they're comfortable enough to start talking about what they didn't want to talk about in the first place.

1. TEACHER:: Emily, I've noticed that you had difficulty working with Catherine as your math partner. What's up?
2. Emily: I don't want to talk about it right now.
3. TEACHER: OK … well, you don't have to talk about it right now.
4. EMILY: Or ever.
5. TEACHER: Can you help me understand why you don't want to talk about it?
6. EMILY: Because you'll tell Catherine what I say … or you'll make us “work it out” together … and I really don't feel like dealing with it. I have too much other stuff going on right now.
7. TEACHER: I'd like to hear about all that you have going on right now. And I'm glad you told me why you don't want to talk about the difficulty with Catherine. I wasn't planning on telling her anything you say—it's just between me and you—and I can't make you work it out with her. So you're safe there, too.
8. EMILY: It's just that she's such a know-it-all … and she never lets anyone else talk in class … and I can't stand being her math partner … Good; we seem to be getting somewhere.

Many adults respond to a kid's reluctance to talk by insisting harder that the kid talk. But you don't want to try so hard to get the student to talk today that you lose your credibility for tomorrow. There's always tomorrow.

Regrettably, many adults respond to a kid's reluctance to talk by insisting harder that the kid talk. But you don't want to try so hard to get the student to talk today that you lose your credibility for tomorrow. There's always tomorrow. And problem solving is an incremental process.

Possibility 5: She Becomes Defensive and Says Something Like “I Don't Have to Talk to You”

Let's think about why a kid would become defensive in response to adult requests for information on a particular unsolved problem. We've actually covered some of them already. Maybe she's accustomed to having adults impose solutions (Plan A), and her experience is that those solutions haven't addressed her concerns and therefore haven't worked and she doesn't see the point in going down that road anymore. Maybe she thinks that if a problem is being raised, she must be in trouble, so she's anticipating excoriation and punishment. Maybe she doesn't really see the point in contemplating or voicing her concerns because she's become accustomed to having them swept off the table.

Fortunately, we're trying to break the patterns of communication and adult responses that would cause a kid to feel that talking is not her best option. Your best approach to defensive statements is not reciprocal defensiveness or threats of adult-imposed consequences but rather honesty. A good response to “I don't have to talk to you” would be “You don't have to talk to me.” A good response to “You're not my boss” would be “I'm not trying to boss you.” And a good response to “You can't make me talk” would be “I can't make you talk.” Some reassurance that you're not using Plan A might be helpful, too, as in “I'm not telling you what to do” (you're not), “You're not in trouble” (she's not), “I'm not mad at you” (you're not), and “I'm just trying to understand” (you are). Statements like “I'm doing this [imposing this solution] because it's what's best for you” would not be ideal.

You're ready to move on to the Define Adult Concerns step when you have a clear understanding of the student's concern or perspective on a given unsolved problem. How do you know when you've reached that point? Keep summarizing and asking for more information (drilling strategy 8) until she has no additional concerns.

The Define Adult Concerns Step: Your Concerns Matter A Lot, Too

The student is not the only one with concerns, and often not the only one whose concerns need to be clarified and articulated. You have concerns as well, and you want those concerns to be heard and addressed. Your time has come.

This step is made difficult primarily by the fact that adults often rush past their concerns and start proposing (and often imposing) their solutions. But solutions that are proposed before identifying the concerns of both parties won't work, since they can't possibly address those respective concerns. If the student reciprocates with solutions of her own, then you and she are now engaged in an all-too-common state of affairs called a power struggle. Power struggles result when two parties (for example, you and a student, but that's not the only possible combination of players) are proposing competing solutions that do not address the concerns of both parties. There's no such thing as competing concerns, by the way, only different concerns that need to be addressed. The concerns of one party don't trump the concerns of the other, and the goal isn't to establish whose concerns are “right” and whose are “wrong.” The concerns of both parties are of exactly equal legitimacy. That doesn't mean the kid is your equal. But if you want to solve problems collaboratively with her, then her concerns are no less valid and meaningful than yours.

You'll need to give some careful thought to your concerns, and you can do that ahead of time if you're finding it hard to think about them in the moment. Simply restating the expectation the student is having difficulty meeting—“I really want to see more science homework coming in”—would not be an expression of your concerns. Rather, your concerns will almost always fall into one or both of two categories:

1. How the unsolved problem is affecting the student
2. How the unsolved problem is affecting others

Expressions of adult concerns usually begin with the words “The thing is …” or “My concern is “…” but most defi nitely not “That is all well and good, but …”

Expressions of adult concerns usually begin with the words “The thing is …” or “My concern is …” but most definitely not “That is all well and good, but …” Let's see what some typical adult concerns might be for some of the problems we've been discussing. At the end of each example, you'll see which of the two categories the concerns fall into.

Difficulty moving from English to social studies: “My concern is that if you're late for social studies, you'll miss some of the lesson, and it'll be hard for you to understand what's going on.” (1)

Difficulty completing the word problems on the worksheet in math: “My concern is that you're missing out on some important practice in math.” (1)

Difficulty getting to school: “My concern is that if you don't come to school, then there's no way I can help you with the things you've been struggling with … and that if you don't get a high school diploma, it's going to make it harder for you to get a job … and that when you do come to school, you're way behind in class and sometimes distract your classmates.” (1 and 2)

Difficulty going to recess: “My concern is that if you don't go to recess, you'll miss out on the fun … and that it's good for you to have a break from what we're doing in class.” (1)

Difficulty keeping hands to self in line for lunch: “My concern is that someone could get hurt, and I want to make sure everyone in our class feels safe, including you.” (2)

You'll see more of the Define Adult Concerns step when we return to some of our earlier dialogues after we cover the Invitation.

The Invitation Step: Collaborating on Solutions

This final step involves considering potential solutions that will address the concerns of both parties, concerns that have been identified and clarified in the first two steps. It's called the Invitation step because you're actually inviting the student to collaborate on solutions. The Invitation lets the student know that solving the problem is something you're doing with her (collaboratively) rather than to her (unilaterally). Notice you're not collaborating on coming up with a consequence; consequences don't solve problems.

To start this step, you could simply say something like, “Let's think about how we can solve this problem” or “Let's think about how we can work that out.” But to facilitate the consideration of solutions that will address the concerns of both parties, it's usually better to recap the concerns that were identified in the first two steps, usually starting with the words “I wonder if there's a way …” So, for one of our previous examples, that would sound something like this: “I wonder if there's a way for us to make sure no one gets hurt in the line for lunch [that was the teacher's concern] and also make sure that you're first in line sometimes and that Kenny doesn't step on the back of your shoe [those were the kid's concerns].”

Then you give the student the first opportunity to propose a solution by asking, “Do you have any ideas?” This is not an indication that the burden of solving the problem is placed solely on the student. The burden of solving the problem is placed on the Problem Solving Team (the adult and student). But giving the student the first crack at thinking of a solution is a good strategy for letting her know you're actually interested in her ideas. It also gives her practice at thinking of solutions. Too often adults take on the responsibility of coming up with solutions, thereby depriving kids of the opportunity for practice. Although there is a chance that the student won't be able to think of any solutions, it's actually quite likely that she can think of solutions, and even ones that will take your combined concerns into account. There's also a good chance that she has been waiting, perhaps not so patiently, for you to give her the chance.

Many adults enter Plan B with a preordained solution. In other words, they already know where the Plan B plane is landing before it takes off. If you already know where the plane is landing before it takes off, you're not using Plan B; you're using a “clever” form of Plan A. Plan B is not just a clever form of Plan A. Plan B is collaborative. Plan A is unilateral.

Many adults enter Plan B with a preordained solution. … If you already know where the Plan B plane is landing before it takes off, you're not using Plan B; you're using a “clever” form of Plan A.

The reality is that there is no flight plan. The Plan B plane will head wherever the crosswinds of your combined concerns take you. But you do have some gauges in the cockpit to help you and your problem-solving partner (the student) know where to land the plane: the solution must be realistic (meaning that both parties can actually do what they're agreeing to do) and mutually satisfactory (meaning that the solution truly and logically addresses the concerns of both parties). If a solution isn't realistic and mutually satisfactory, alternative solutions should be generated and considered. By the way, the solution “try harder” is never viable.

The realistic part is crucial because Plan B isn't an exercise in wishful thinking. If you can't execute your part of a solution that's under consideration, don't agree to it just to end the conversation. Likewise, if you don't think the student can execute her part of a solution that's under consideration, then try to get her to take a moment to think about whether she can actually do what she's agreeing to do. (“You sure you can do that? Let's make sure we come up with a solution we can both do.”)

The mutually satisfactory part is crucial, too, and requires that you and the student give conscious, deliberate thought to the concerns that the solution is intended to address. In other words, all proposed solutions are evaluated on the basis of whether they address the concerns identified in the first two steps of Plan B. The mutually satisfactory aspect is a great comfort to adults who fear that in using Plan B, their concerns will go unaddressed and no limits will be set. You're “setting limits” if your concerns are being addressed. And if a solution is mutually satisfactory, then by definition your concerns have been addressed. In other words, if you thought that Plan A is the only mechanism by which adults can set limits and help students meet expectations, you were mistaken.

The mutually satisfactory part also helps the kid know that you're as invested in ensuring that her concerns are addressed as you are in making sure that yours are addressed. That's how you lose an enemy and gain a problem-solving partner. That's how you move from adversary to teammate, from stopgap solutions to durable ones, and from dealing with one incident after another to solving problems.

Early on, the student may come up with solutions that address her concerns but not yours. (And you may have a tendency to propose solutions that address your concerns and not hers.) That doesn't mean that she's come up with a bad idea—or that she doesn't care about your concerns or is unable to take them into account—only that she's not yet highly skilled at coming up with solutions that are mutually satisfactory. Simply remind her that the goal is to come up with a solution that works for both of you, perhaps by saying, “Well, that's an idea, and I know that idea would address your concern, but I don't think it would address my concern. Let's see if we can come up with an idea that will work for both of us.”

One last thing. If multiple concerns are expressed in the Empathy step and the Define Adult Concerns step, there's a pretty strong likelihood that the same solution won't address them all. So before considering solutions, it's often necessary to decide which concerns will be addressed in the current discussion and which will be addressed in a later Plan B.

Many adults, in their eagerness to solve the problem, forget the Invitation step. This means that just as they are at the precipice of actually collaborating on a solution, they impose a solution. Not good. The kid thought you were partnering with her in solving a problem and then you went back to being unilateral and pulled the collaborative rug out from under her. She's likely to have major reservations about participating in the process again the next time.

All Together Now

Let's see how the three ingredients would go together, assuming that things are going smoothly. Again, forgive the redundancy, but it's helpful to see the process unfold from start to finish.

The Empathy Step

1. TEACHER: I've noticed that you've been having difficulty keeping your hands to yourself standing in line on the way to lunch. What's up?
2. LARA: It's not fair.
3. TEACHER, USING REFLECTIVE LISTENING: It's not fair. I'm sorry; I don't quite understand what you mean. What's not fair?
4. LARA: It's not fair how you do the lines.
5. TEACHER, USING REFLECTIVE LISTENING AGAIN: It's not fair how I do the lines. I'm still a little confused. Can you help me understand what you mean?
6. LARA: You always make me walk with you in the back of the line.
7. TEACHER, ASKING A W QUESTION
8. Well, yes, I've been having you walk with me in the back of the line for the past week or so because you've been having trouble keeping your hands to yourself. But now I'm trying to understand what's making it hard for you to keep your hands to yourself. Can you help me understand that better?
9. LARA (shrugs)
10. TEACHER, REPEATING THE W QUESTION: Well, think about it for a minute. We're not in a rush. What's making it hard for you to keep your hands to yourself when you're in line on the way to lunch?”
11. LARA: I want to be in front of Emily.
12. TEACHER, USING REFLECTIVE LISTENING: You want to be in front of Emily. Help me understand that.
13. LARA: Emily's always in front of me because of the way you do the lines.
14. TEACHER, USING A W QUESTION: What is it about having Emily in front of you that you don't like?
15. LARA: I never get to be first in line.
16. TEACHER, USING REFLECTIVE LISTENING: You never get to be first in line. What do you mean?
17. LARA: I've never been first in line.
18. TEACHER: You haven't?
19. LARA.: Never.
20. TEACHER: Because we go in alphabetical order, and you're right after Emily. You haven't had your turn at being first in line?
21. LARA: You skipped me.
22. TEACHER: I did?
23. LARA: You had Emily be first in line twice. Then we went to the back again. I got skipped.
24. TEACHER: Lara, I didn't know that. How come you didn't say anything?
25. LARA: I tried. You told me to be quiet.
26. TEACHER: I'm sorry, Lara. I don't remember you trying to tell me that, but it's definitely something I would have wanted to know. I'm glad you told me now.
27. LARA: (nods)
28. TEACHER, SUMMARIZING: So one of the reasons you're having difficulty keeping your hands to yourself when you're standing in line for lunch is because you want to be in front of Emily because she got to be first in line and you didn't. Are there any other reasons?
29. LARA: Kenny keeps stepping on the back of my shoe.
30. TEACHER, USING REFLECTIVE LISTENING: Kenny keeps stepping on the back of your shoe. Is he behind you in line?
31. LARA: Uh-huh.
32. TEACHER, USING A W QUESTION: What's causing him to step on the back of your shoe?
33. LARA: I don't know. He thinks it's funny when my shoe comes off. So I try to keep him from being too close to me.
34. TEACHER: And how do you do that?
35. LARA: I push him.
36. TEACHER, SUMMARIZING AGAIN: Goodness, I'm learning a lot here. So one of the reasons you have trouble keeping your hands to yourself is that Kenny is stepping on the back of your shoe. And another reason is that you want to be first in line because we skipped your turn.
37. LARA: (nodding)
38. TEACHER: Any other reasons?
39. LARA: That's it.
40. TEACHER: You sure?
41. LARA: Uh-huh.

The Define Adult Concerns Step

1. TEACHER: The thing is, I'm concerned that if you're trying to solve these problems by pushing people or trying to cut in front of them, someone could get hurt. And I want to make sure that everyone in our classroom feels safe, including you. Does that make sense?
2. LARA: Uh-huh.

The Invitation Step

1. TEACHER: So I wonder if there's a way for us to make sure no one gets hurt in the line for lunch and also make sure that you're first in line sometimes and that Kenny doesn't step on the back of your feet. Do you have any ideas?
2. LARA: You could not skip me.
3. TEACHER: Lara, I think that's a very good idea. In fact, it sounds like we owe you a time to be first in line. So we can make sure you're first in line tomorrow. Would that work for you?
4. LARA: Yes. How do I know you won't skip me again?
5. TEACHER: Well, this may be the first time I've ever skipped someone on being first in line. So I'm pretty good at making sure everyone gets their turns. But if I slip, please tell me again. I promise I'll be listening next time. OK?
6. LARA: OK.
7. TEACHER: And how about that other part … the part about Kenny stepping on the back of your shoes? What can we do about that so that everyone is safe?
8. LARA: You could always have him at the back of the line with you.
9. TEACHER: Well, there's an idea. Although I don't think he'd like that idea very much. I know you didn't like that solution, so I'm betting he won't either. And we want to come up with a solution that works for him too. Of course, he's not part of our conversation right now, so it might be hard to come up with a solution that works for him. Do you know what I mean?
10. LARA: Yes.
11. TEACHER: Maybe I should talk to him about this problem tomorrow, see what his concerns are, and then maybe get together with you and him to solve the problem together. What do you think?
12. LARA: OK.

Are you thinking that our first example of all three steps went rather seamlessly? Yes, it was pretty smooth sailing. It's good to see an initial example of all three steps without major glitches. We'll be getting around to glitches in the next chapter. But let's return now to our reluctant participant to see how that discussion turned out too.

1. TEACHER: I've noticed it's been difficult for you to get to school lately. What's up?
2. STUDENT: I don't have a problem with that.
3. TEACHER: Ah, you don't have a problem with that. I'm sorry, I'm not sure I understand what you mean.
4. STUDENT: I mean I don't really care if I come to school.
5. TEACHER: Ah, you don't really care if you come to school. Can you say more about that?
6. STUDENT: It doesn't really matter.
7. TEACHER: It doesn't really matter. What do you mean?
8. STUDENT: I'm dropping out as soon as I can anyway.
9. TEACHER: You're dropping out as soon as you can.
10. STUDENT: So there's not much point in being here.
11. TEACHER: I suppose not. But tell me about dropping out.
12. STUDENT: There's no point.
13. TEACHER: There's no point in staying in school or there's no point in talking about it?
14. STUDENT: Um, both, I guess.
15. TEACHER: OK. Well, we don't have to talk about it, but I sure would like to know what's making it so you're going to drop out as soon as you can.
16. STUDENT: I hate it here. I mean, no offense.
17. TEACHER: No offense taken. I really want to understand.
18. STUDENT: Well, you're not talking me out of it.
19. TEACHER: I wasn't going to try.
20. STUDENT: I've never done good in school. Never. I stopped trying a long time ago.
21. TEACHER: When did you stop trying?
22. STUDENT: Like, third grade.
23. TEACHER: That was a long time ago. What caused you to stop trying in the third grade?
24. STUDENT: Do we have to talk about this?
25. TEACHER: No, we don't have to. But I would like to understand.
26. STUDENT: I was getting in trouble a lot … and getting suspended a lot … and my mom was whupping me every time I got suspended … and I couldn't read … and they tried helping me with the reading but it didn't help.
27. TEACHER: So is reading still hard for you?
28. STUDENT: Uh-huh. But I don't want anyone to know.
29. TEACHER: Your secret is safe with me. What were you getting in trouble for in the third grade?
30. STUDENT: I was, like, hyper. I couldn't sit there. And they wanted me to, like, take medicine ‘cuz I was hyper. But my mom didn't want me to be on medicine. So they finally convinced her, but the medicine made me really cranky. So she didn't give it to me anymore.
31. TEACHER: And when you say you were hyper, what do you mean?
32. STUDENT: Couldn't sit still … had to walk around … couldn't do my work… I mean, I'm still pretty hyper.
33. TEACHER: And you'd get in trouble for that stuff?
34. STUDENT: Yup. No point in coming to school just to get in trouble.
35. TEACHER: And the work you couldn't do … was that just work that involved reading, or other things too?
36. STUDENT: Well, there's reading in almost everything at school. Except for, like, PE and lunch.
37. TEACHER: I suppose that's true.
38. STUDENT: Well, math doesn't always have so much reading. I was pretty good at math.
39. TEACHER: That's good to know. So school wasn't a total wash.
40. STUDENT: What's that mean?
41. TEACHER: I mean, there were some things you were good at.
42. STUDENT: I guess … mostly I was good at getting into trouble.
43. TEACHER: So what would happen back then when you needed to read something?
44. STUDENT: I'd ask one of my friends what it said. Then I'd get in trouble for talking. Or I'd just walk out of the class.
45. TEACHER: And they tried to help you with the reading?
46. STUDENT: Yeah, but … I don't know, I think I was kinda too hyper to, like, know what they were trying to help me with.
47. TEACHER: And, I guess I could look this up, but when did you stop showing up at school?
48. STUDENT: I started skipping in, like, the fourth grade.
49. TEACHER: Did your mom know?
50. STUDENT: No. I mean, she knows I don't go to school now. She gave up trying to get me to go. Now she's just worried that she's going to get into trouble if I don't go.
51. TEACHER: I suppose she could get in trouble if you don't go. Do you worry about that?
52. STUDENT: Not really. I mean, I do show up sometimes. Plus, we move a lot, so I change schools a lot, and sometimes it takes a while for them to figure out that I'm not showing up.
53. TEACHER: And what do you do when you don't show up?
54. STUDENT: Hang out. Sleep. Watch TV.
55. TEACHER: So, this is all very good for me to know. I appreciate you telling me. Let me see if I can summarize what you've told me. It sounds like you've had trouble reading and sitting still for a very long time … and have received some help with the reading before, but it wasn't very helpful … and now you don't really see the point in showing up at school. Do I have it right?
56. STUDENT: Yep.
57. TEACHER: Is there anything else getting in the way of you showing up at school besides those things?
58. STUDENT: Well, now I stay up pretty late … playing video games … and so I don't really wake up to come to school anymore.
59. TEACHER: That's good to know too. Anything else?
60. STUDENT: Not that I can think of.
61. TEACHER: Do you think it's still hard for you to sit in class?
62. STUDENT: Not like it used to be. Plus, a lot of times when I show up, I'm just sleeping here anyway.
63. TEACHER: Yes, I've heard that from some of your other teachers. OK. Well, I have some concerns about what you've told me. Can I tell you what my concerns are?
64. STUDENT: I guess.
65. TEACHER: Well, I have a few. First, I'm really sorry reading is still so hard for you. And I'm really sorry that you didn't get the help you needed with that a long time ago.
66. STUDENT: Oh, I got help. It just didn't help.
67. TEACHER: Yes. So, that's one of my concerns. The help you got didn't help and it's still hard for you to read, and now it sounds like you've given up on reading … and on school in general. And my concern is that I think there might still be some ways we could help you learn things even if you're having difficulty with reading. But if you're not here, we can't help you. And if you're sleeping when you're here, we can't help you anyway. I guess my concern is that you're not going to get a high school diploma if you don't show up, and that's going to make it harder for you to get a job.
68. STUDENT: Oh, there's jobs for people like me.
69. TEACHER: Well, perhaps so. But do you understand my concerns?
70. STUDENT: Uh-huh.
71. TEACHER: So, here's the thing. I don't think we can address all of your concerns with the same solution. If it's OK with you, how about we focus on your concerns about the reading. We'll talk about the other concerns another time. That OK?
72. STUDENT: Uh-huh. But I don't think you can help me with the reading. No one ever has.
73. TEACHER: Well, maybe you're right. Maybe, in the beginning, we need a solution that doesn't focus so much on the reading. I mean, reading is what's been keeping you from learning and showing up at school. I'm wondering if we can do something about the reading so it's not getting in the way for you so much.
74. STUDENT: How would we do that?
75. TEACHER: I don't know. That's what we'd need to figure out. I wonder if there's something we can do so you can learn things at school—and maybe someday get a diploma—without the reading causing you to become so discouraged that you don't even see the point in showing up. Do you have any ideas?
76. STUDENT: Well, I don't want to be in a special reading class. That's embarrassing. And it doesn't work anyway. And I don't want the whole world knowing I can't read. I wish I could learn stuff without doing the reading.
77. TEACHER: Hmmm. Interesting thought.
78. STUDENT: Really?
79. TEACHER: Yeah, really. Believe it or not, that might be possible. But if we're going to help you learn things without having to read, we'd need to do it in a way that doesn't embarrass you and doesn't let the whole world know you have trouble with reading. Yes?
80. STUDENT: Yes.
81. TEACHER: And no special reading class.
82. STUDENT: Right.
83. TEACHER: Any thoughts on how we could do that?
84. STUDENT: No.
85. TEACHER: Well, let's think about it.
86. STUDENT: Antonio gets help from that guy who comes in and tutors kids. What's his name?
87. TEACHER: I think you mean Mr. Hartt.
88. STUDENT: Yeah, old guy?
89. TEACHER: Well, I guess he's kind of old. You'd be open to having Mr. Hartt help you?
90. STUDENT: Yeah, but, like you said, not with reading. With learning.
91. TEACHER: You'd be OK with him teaching you stuff and reading some things to you?
92. STUDENT: But not in front of everybody.
93. TEACHER: He meets with kids in the conference room in the office. It's very private.
94. STUDENT: I guess we could try that.
95. TEACHER: I'll have to look into what his schedule is … and see if Mrs. Conant will approve it.
96. STUDENT: How come we have to talk to Mrs. Conant about it?
97. TEACHER: Because she has to approve anything we do that's not in the classroom.
98. STUDENT: She's who suspends me.
99. TEACHER: Yes, I suppose she is. Well, I guess she's just been following the rules. But I know she very badly wants to see if there's a way for us to have you showing up and learning … so I'm betting she'll try hard to make this work. And we have a few other things to figure out… like how much time you'll be spending with Mr. Hartt—if he can do it—and how much time you'll still be in class. So I think we also have to get Mr. Perkins involved, because he would have to approve the plan too. And he might have some other ideas for help we could give you.
100. STUDENT: I don't know him.
101. TEACHER: Well, he's not a teacher … he supervises all the programs of kids who need different kinds of help. But I know he'll want to make sure we have a plan that works for you.
102. STUDENT: So we have to meet again.
103. TEACHER: Yes, at least one more time. Plus, there are other parts of this problem we still need to solve. So I don't think we can come up with a complete plan today. But here's my other concern: I don't know when I can get Mr. Perkins to meet with us because I don't know his schedule. And if you're not showing up, you won't be here to meet with him.
104. STUDENT: Can't I just meet with you?
105. TEACHER: Um … I suppose I could talk to Mr. Perkins myself and then let you know what he says. Today is Wednesday … and I'm betting I won't be able to get ahold of him until tomorrow. Can you be sure to be here on Friday?
106. STUDENT: I'll try.
107. TEACHER: That would be great.

So that problem isn't quite solved, not yet anyway. Students who aren't showing up at school often have large piles of accumulated unsolved problems, and they aren't all going to get solved in the first Plan B. On the bright side, the student did participate in the discussion; the teacher obtained a lot of information; and the student stayed engaged as they discussed potential solutions. Will she show up on Friday for the next discussion? Maybe, maybe not. Will the discussion continue the next time she does show up? Yes. All problem solving is incremental. Plan B is a process.

Q & A

Question: It's a Plan A world. How does Plan B help a kid live in The Real World?

Answer: It's not a Plan A world. Although The Real World most definitely has expectations, it doesn't impose solutions anywhere nearly as often as people think it does. More often, The Real World demands that a person identify and articulate her concerns, take the concerns of others into account, generate alternative solutions, and solve problems in a realistic and mutually satisfactory manner. Those are skills trained with Plan B. The reason you're using Plan B is to teach the kid the skills she lacks so that she can handle problems she'll face in The Real World, just as you would with any other developmental delay. Plan A doesn't do that.

The reason you're using Plan B is to teach the kid the skills she lacks so that she can handle problems she'll face in The Real World, just as you would with any other developmental delay. Plan A doesn't do that.

Question: I guess I've been thinking—or at least acting like—the most important role I can play in the lives of my students is to push them harder if they aren't meeting my expectations. But a lot of them just push back. I'm starting to recognize that although there's been a lot of pushing, there hasn't been much problem solving going on. Safe to assume that pushing isn't my best role?

Answer: Not if you're interested in figuring out what's been making it hard for some of your students to meet your expectations and helping them overcome those hurdles. Having high expectations is a wonderful thing, especially if your students can meet those expectations. But if a student is having difficulty meeting an expectation, pushing won't help you identify why, won't help you partner with the student in solving the problem, and won't solve it. Your best role as a helper is problem solver, not pusher.

Question: For how long do we have to do Plan B with a kid?

Answer: Plan B isn't a temporary fix to help you eventually return to Plan A. It's a way to engage kids in solving the problems that affect their lives. It's a way to help them meet the expectations of The Real World. Why would you stop doing Plan B?

Question: Is it OK to have a specific behavior be the focus of Plan B? Like, for example, hitting?

Answer: It's not ideal. Remember, if you try to talk with a student about her challenging behavior, she's likely to think she's in trouble, likely to become defensive, and less likely to participate in the discussion. Also, if you talk with her about a behavior, you are, in effect, simultaneously talking with her about all the unsolved problems that cause that behavior. Better to figure out what unsolved problems are setting the stage for the student to hit and try to solve those problems. Then she won't be hitting in response to them anymore.

Question: What if the kid doesn't follow through on her part of the solution?

Answer: It probably wasn't realistic and/or mutually satisfactory in the first place. Back to Plan B to figure out why the solution didn't accomplish the mission so that it can be refined or replaced with a solution that comes closer to the mark. Remember, you don't want to sign off on a solution until you and the student have given conscious, deliberate thought to whether it's truly realistic and truly addresses the concerns of both parties. Don't get so excited that a solution has been proposed that you sign off on it instantaneously. All solutions are evaluated on the basis of whether they're realistic and mutually satisfactory. That's the litmus test.

Question: What if the solutions a kid proposes are not realistic or mutually satisfactory?

Answer: That's not an uncommon scenario for people—not just kids—who haven't had a whole lot of practice coming up with realistic and mutually satisfactory solutions and may be accustomed to power struggles. So she'll need some feedback along those lines. Such feedback might sound like this: “Hey, there's an idea. The only problem is, I don't know if it's truly realistic for us to assume that you'll be able to make it through the entire school year without interacting with Catherine. Let's see if we can come up with a solution that you can really do.” Or “Well, I suppose one option would be for you to just skip doing your math homework. And I guess that would address your concerns. But it wouldn't really address my concern that I really want you to get some extra practice at what we're covering in math. Let's see if we can come up with a solution that works for both of us.” In general, kids don't respond badly at all to such feedback, especially since it's being delivered in the context of a collaborative partnership.

Question: I agreed on a solution with one of my students, and it was working well for a few weeks; then it stopped working. What happened?

Answer: Although it could be that the solution you and the kid agreed on wasn't as realistic and mutually satisfactory as it originally seemed, it could also be that the original solution addressed only the concerns you heard about in the initial Plan B, but didn't (and couldn't) address concerns you didn't hear about. Head back to Plan B to see if you missed something. And it could also be that your initial success was due more to the quick burst of relationship enhancing that often occurs with Plan B. So it wasn't the solution working for you, it was the improved relationship. Although improved relationships are certainly a wonderful thing, realistic and mutually satisfactory solutions are even more wonderful.

Question: Should a student be punished if the solution doesn't work?

Answer: Why would you punish the student? Didn't you both agree on the solution?

Question: What if the kid says she doesn't care about my concern?

Answer: You need to find out what she means. Maybe she's had a lot of her concerns blown off the table and is now responding in kind. Maybe “I don't care” is something the kid says almost automatically in response to perceived criticism or when she feels like she's in trouble or on the spot. The long-term answer to a kid not caring about your concerns is to find out and care more about hers.

The long-term answer to a kid not caring about your concerns is to find out and care more about hers.

Question: I have a classroom full of kids whose unsolved problems have been stacked up for a long time. I get that now. And I get that I need to do an ALSUP and that I need to get my priorities straight for each of them. And I get that solving those problems is going to take time. But what do I do about all the other problems while I'm working on my priorities?

Answer: Great question. Don't forget about Plan C. Early on, you may need to structure your classroom so that a meaningful number of expectations are set aside, at least for now. Doing that may not sound feasible, but your other option is even less appealing: continuing to have lots of expectations that a meaningful number of your students can't meet. Remember, you inherited many of those unsolved problems. The reason the unsolved problems are stacked so high is that they haven't been solved—or even identified—previously. It's going to take a while to shake things out, and that's not going happen in one fell swoop. You're doing your students an enormous favor by structuring your classroom in a way that permits lots of problem solving and doesn't impose expectations that your students can't meet. And, eventually, a lot of those unmet expectations will start getting met.

Question: I'm having trouble imagining doing Plan B with kids younger than seven or eight years old.

Answer: Don't sell those preschoolers short! They have unsolved problems, they have concerns about those unsolved problems, and they are frequently able to participate in the process of solving the problems that affect their lives. The key variable is language-processing skills, not chronological age. I've worked with three-year-olds who were able to participate in Plan B more easily than some of the seventeen-year-olds with whom I've worked.

Question: Does CPS help with kids on the autism spectrum? The ones who almost always get applied behavior analysis (ABA)?

Answer: The autism spectrum represents an extraordinarily wide range of functioning. The term “autism spectrum” tells us nothing about a student's capacity to participate in the process of solving the problems that affect her life. Again the most common obstacle is communication skills, and there are kids with communication skill delays who aren't on the autism spectrum. There are many ways (besides verbal give-and-take) to help a kid communicate about her concerns and participate in the process of contemplating and selecting solutions: pictures, sign language, hand signals, and so forth. If we're only relying on adult observations and solutions, we're depriving kids of the opportunity to practice solving problems, which makes them completely dependent on adults for solutions to those problems, and deprives adults of information about the kids' concerns. No matter how “low functioning” a child may be, we should always be cognizant of opportunities to engage her in solving problems. Dependence on adults is not a characteristic we want to promote. By the way, there's a lot more similarity between CPS and some forms of ABA than you might think. The key is whether adults are seeking information from the child (rather than relying solely on observations of behavior to draw conclusions) and involving the child in the process of arriving at solutions (rather than having adults assuming total responsibility for deciding on solutions and incentivizing compliance).

Question: Are there kids Plan B won't help, who really need to be placed in programs outside of public schools?

Answer: There will always be kids who, despite our best efforts, will need to be placed in such programs. But the reason so many kids are being placed in such programs these days—at great cost—is the large piles of unsolved problems and the extreme behaviors that are being caused by those unsolved problems. Plan B is free and, in combination with Plan C, has kept a lot of kids in their home schools.

Question: Aren't there some behaviorally challenging kids who need meds?

Answer: Yes, though nowhere near as many as are actually on meds. There are some things medication can be expected to address and things medication should not be expected to address. If we aren't aware of that differentiation, we'll see a lot of kids end up on medication for things that medication doesn't address, often because caregivers aren't sure what else to do. Now you know what else to do. Medicine is effective at reducing hyperactivity and poor impulse control, improving attention span, enhancing mood, reducing obsessive-compulsive behaviors and anxiety, reducing tics, inducing sleep, and helping volatile, aggressive kids be less reactive. There are some kids for whom medication is an indispensable aspect of treatment and who are unable to benefit from Plan B without pharmacological help. But medicine does not teach skills, and medication does not solve problems.

There are some kids for whom medication is an indispensable aspect of treatment. … but medicine does not teach skills, and medication does not solve problems.

Experience is the Best Teacher

“So much of what we do as educators is assess the situation and decide on a solution … that's what teachers are accustomed to doing. And what we've learned is that we're not always accurate in what we assume to be the reasons behind why kids do things. Having those conversations with the kids has been a huge eye-opener. The essence of solving problems collaboratively is that the student has voice and choice in the situation. Look at the process. First we listen to them. We gather information. It's about listening, but it's also about asking the right questions. And then the adult shares his or her concerns, and then the two work together to solve problems. That parallels a lot of the cutting-edge work on academic instruction these days. So I've been lucky to see this kind of unique connection between CPS and very progressive, research-based, modern instruction.”

—Tom, Assistant Superintendent

“Once you really start using CPS, you realize how much it's connected to the curriculum and to classroom management techniques. You can read anything on curriculum and instruction, and the research is talking about things that are connected to CPS. It's been wonderful to see—that all parts of the school are connected with CPS's philosophy that kids do well if they can. Getting kids' perspective is the overarching goal for all of us.”

—Nina, Principal

“When we actually began doing Plan B with kids, really putting it into action, some found it a bit intimidating because people aren't used to having those real, deep conversations with kids about what the child is experiencing.”

—RYAN, ASSISTANT PRINCIPAL

“One of my kids last year was having difficulty moving on to a different math station. She kept going back to working again on whatever the activity was in the last station. So I just said, ‘Well, you know, I noticed that you had some difficulty during math yesterday. What's up?’ She said, ‘I wasn't good at it. I got it wrong. I'm not the best at math anymore.’ And I said, ‘Oh. So missing the problem made you think that you weren't good at math?’ And she said, ‘Yeah.’ I asked her for more, and she said, ‘Well, I don't like that people think I can't do it.’ I said, ‘So what I'm hearing is that when you miss something, you think people will think that you can't do it?’ She said, ‘Yeah, they won't think I'm smart.’ So eventually we got to talking about solutions. She likes challenging problems. So we talked about the fact that she could do math work that's easy for her or math work that's challenging, but that if she does the challenging work, it's probably going to be harder, and she's probably going to make some mistakes. And she agreed that she still wanted to do the challenging work, but that she'd let me know if she needed help instead of putting her head on the desk because she's worried that people won't think she's smart. I was surprised, because I thought she was going to just say she was frustrated when she couldn't get it. I was really surprised to learn she was worried people weren't going to think she was smart.”

—Kathy, Teacher

“We're usually wrong about kids' concerns.”

—Katie, Learning Center Teacher

“I did Plan B with a student on his difficulties coming into school in the morning. He was having trouble separating from his mom. I remember thinking that he needed a checklist in the morning; you know, like, ‘Put my backpack up. Check. Take my boots off. Check.’ But that solution made no sense once we heard what his concerns were. I think he said something like, ‘There's just too many people in the classroom in the morning.’ I had never even thought of that! I learned that when you do Plan B, you hear things you didn't expect. And the solution was as simple as him just saying that it would work better for him if he could just wait for a little bit for everyone else to come into the classroom. And then as soon as the other kids went in, he would go in and do everything. He didn't need that checklist.”

—Katie, Learning Center Teacher

“And sometimes the kids' solutions don't make sense to adults either. I was doing Plan B with two kids who were fighting over the same doll. The solution they came up with was that one of them would play with it for ten minutes and the other would play with it for fifteen. It wasn't equal. But they were good with the solution, even though it made no sense to me.”

—Vicki, Director of Communications

“There was another student who had difficulty coming to school, and he was basically pretty oppositional about doing anything all day. And so I started off Plan B with, ‘I've noticed that it's been difficult for you to come to school. What's up?’ What I learned is that he didn't want to leave his Legos. Did I expect to hear that? No. Turns out he'd been working on the Legos all summer, and he was in the middle of a project and didn't want to leave the Legos. So we agreed that when he was finished with the project, he'd either bring it in or bring in some pictures to share with the class. He brought in some pictures, and that was the start of hooking him in. We did a lot of Plan B that year. His dad came in at the end of the school year and said to me, ‘We can't believe how he's getting up in the morning and he wants to go to school. He's talking at the dinner table about his school day. It's such a change!’ I said, ‘He's worked really, really hard, and I'm so glad to hear this.’ And then his dad got teary-eyed and said, ‘I wish that I'd had this when I was in school, because I think it would have made all the difference for me.’ Then he gave me a big hug, and I realized this is really about changing people's lives.

The student doesn't need much Plan B anymore. It sounds awful to be excited about that, but there haven't been very many problems to solve anymore. The reason that's exciting is that everybody was worried that kids would become dependent on the help. You know, how's he going to make it in the real world? But once the skills are taught, the kids have a better shot at making it in the real world.

His parents were so frustrated about what was going on at school in the beginning. I can remember the earlier meetings, and they were at a total loss for what to do. They were trying everything. They were being really strict. They were taking things away. And we said, ‘Oh, please don't do that.’ They came to trust us.”

—Katie, Learning Center Teacher

“We had a kid who was like a caveman in the beginning. He barely spoke. His hair was always over his face. Didn't have much language. Just grunting. He was just like the Tasmanian Devil. Just running around, bumping into things, ripping things apart—completely out of control. His mom had drug abuse issues. She told us at an IEP meeting that she didn't do discipline, or structure, or whatever. He told me that his dad was in jail for murdering someone, which wasn't correct. It was for domestic abuse. But this kid was completely out of control. The student just hadn't been socialized at all. People told me, ‘You need to get shin guards or something because you're getting kicked,’ and everything like that. But we nurtured him, and we accepted him, and slowly but surely we started to have some expectations for him. And gradually he started meeting them. He began to trust us.”

—Susan, Educational Technician

“This is a kid that everyone said needed to be placed out of district. Everyone said that this kid should not be in public school. He should be in residential care or day treatment. Now that we know him, we know how smart he is. Now, 99 percent of his time is in class. He's able to verbalize when he needs help. And it was a transformation for the mother. She's working with us. She trusts us completely.”

—Nina, Principal

“What's been fantastic about CPS is it's been helping us with those kids that we couldn't figure out. You don't understand why they continue to make the same mistakes again and again—you're not sure what the concerns are. This process has been unbelievably helpful with those kids.”

—Ryan, Assistant Principal

“Something that struck me the most about CPS is how, over time, it took the tension and anger away from kids that I worked with when teachers referred them to the office for help. Students knew that I cared for them, that I would listen to them, and that they had a voice in the process. At the same time, they also knew that the school has expectations and concerns for them and all students. They still had lagging skills, which could still make life challenging, but their ‘calmness’ allowed for more productive and solution-based interactions between everyone to address those problems.”

—Ryan, Assistant Principal