Mothers-in-Law

A happy home is more than a roof over your head, it’s a foundation under your feet.

Amish Proverb

Martha and Leah Lapp don’t resemble each other—Martha, slow and deliberate, is nearly six feet tall, and Leah, an energetic, plump little bumblebee of a woman, barely grazes the five-feet mark—but they seem more like mother and daughter than mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. They cook together, shop together, and chore together, all while sharing plenty of conversation. “Leah’s always been so good to me,” Martha said. “She’s like a daughter and a friend, rolled into one.”

When Leah married David, Martha’s youngest son, the couple moved in with her for six months. They planned to build a new house on Martha’s acreage as David took over daily management of the farm. When the economy soured, the young couple had to postpone building the house. Six months rolled into two years. “I didn’t mind a bit!” Martha said. “I’ve been a widow for . . . forever . . . and this old house gets awful quiet.”

Moving day finally arrived for the young couple. “Leah knew that I was going to be lonesome. The day before they were set to move in, she brought me a new puppy, a tiny one. When it was time for bed, the puppy was left in the living room to sleep, which it did not like. It cried and carried on, and even had tears. So Leah wrapped the puppy in a blanket and took it to bed with her. There, the puppy slept just like a baby.”

The next day, as planned, Leah and David moved into their new home. As dusk arrived, Martha heard a knock on her door. “There they were! Leah said she was worried about that puppy not sleeping through the night, so they thought they should stay tonight just to make sure it slept through.” That night, the puppy started whining again. Leah finally left a light on in the living room, and the puppy had a good night’s sleep. “We figured it was just afraid of the dark.” Leah and David ended up sleeping at the house for another few days, until Leah was confident that Martha wouldn’t be woken in the night by an unhappy puppy.

The Amish tend to have healthy relationships among extended family. It could be that such large families foster a certain detachment, an ability to “let go.”

Another reason may be that the culture supports and values marriage and family, so an in-law is a welcomed addition. Lena Miller of Kalona, Iowa, an Amish woman with seven married children, said that she views her sons-in-law and daughters-in-law as her own children. “I love them as if they were my own. I treat them like they’re my own.”

Proximity may play a role in creating healthy family relationships. Many, if not most, Amish families live in very close proximity to relatives. Often, they share the same walls. A Grossdaadi Haus is common among the Amish—it’s a small attachment to a large house. It allows elderly parents to live independently but close to a younger family. Amish farmhouses tend to expand out on the sides, just like a family grows.

“You just don’t hear of a lot of ‘family feud’ type situations among Amish,” said Erik Wesner, author of Success Made Simple.[2] “I’m thinking of a Pennsylvania friend in the not uncommon situation of living on the same property as his parents. His wife is in constant contact with her in-laws. It basically becomes family. She would often want to travel to visit her own family, which was halfway across the settlement, about fifteen miles or so. Obviously home is always home, but I’ve never sensed any issues among them, and I lived with them for two months. I would have to say that there is probably some of the same dynamic as in the English world, but with proximity being an issue, I would think that any issues either get worked out, or . . .” Erik paused. “Well, I’d bet they tend to get worked out.”

Road Map: Getting There from Here

Martha wasn’t Leah’s own mother—yet they had a loving bond. The Amish revere and value family life, including extended family and in-laws. Like any family, some members are easier to enjoy than others, but they would never dismiss or exclude someone. Everyone belongs. Everyone has a place at the table. Everyone is valued. If you truly believed that, how would it motivate you to work out problems or tensions?

God cares how we treat our parents. He expects us to pay attention to physical needs of elderly parents, as well as emotional needs. What is one way you show your parents that they are valued? This week, find a new way to honor your parents/in-laws. Plan a trip or get-together. Write a letter or email, send pictures of your kids, or call.

For fifty years, one woman traveled three hundred miles to visit her parents on their anniversary and birthdays. Her parents had never attended church—not once in their entire life. This woman prayed faithfully for her parents to know the Lord, all the while continuing to foster a loving relationship with them. When her father was in his nineties, he became a believer and joined the church. Her mother soon followed suit. If you’re in a similar situation, take heart! Include your parents and in-laws in your daily prayers. Praying for your folks and in-laws helps fan your love for them and lifts them up to God.

Someone once explained the difference between in-laws and outlaws. The answer: outlaws are wanted!

—Scribe from Uniontown, Ohio

The person with a healthy attitude is too busy to worry during the daytime and too sleepy to worry at night.

—Scribe from Millersburg, Indiana

And then there was this grandpa who went to an auction. There were some other Amish men there that he knew from another community. Later, at a little ways off, he saw a white-haired fellow that looked so familiar but he wasn’t sure who it was. Every time he looked at the guy, the fellow was also looking at him. “Does he know me?” he wondered. All at once he realized he was looking into a big mirror! He said he just turned around and walked away, and he felt sure the “other guy” did the same thing!

—Scribe from Chepota, Kansas