A Circle of Life

To grow old gracefully, you must start when you are young.

Amish Proverb

Not a week goes by that Rose Graber doesn’t spend time with her six grandchildren, all living within an hour’s distance. “Being a grandparent, it’s just the best!” Rose said. She has a pet poodle that she has trained to perform tricks. “The grandchildren love that dog. They like to come and see what new trick he can do.” She’s taught her dog to roll over, to sing (Woof! Woof!), to play dead when he hears the command “Dod!” and to identify which town the family lives in. “Do we live in Leola?” The dog remains still. “Do we live in Bird-in-Hand?” No response. “Do we live in Gordonville?” Woof! Rose gives her dog commands in Penn Dutch, because, of course, otherwise he would have to translate and it would take him longer.

Rose’s warm brown eyes light up when she talks about her grandchildren. The integration of multiple generations within an Amish family is not simply endured—it is appreciated, nurtured, and cherished. Esteemed for their wisdom, the elderly find meaning and dignity as they assist their children. Surrounded by droves of grandchildren, they pass on the wisdom, joys, and secrets of Amish life to the rising generation.

“Having my folks around as I raise my children is a blessing,” said Laura Mast, mother of four. “They not only help but they are giving my children a fine example of godly living. I just don’t think children can have enough good examples.”

Most Amish farmhouses have a Grossdaadi Haus. A young couple knows that someday their parents will pass on, and then they will move into the addition, the Grossdaadi Haus, and their children will take over the house. A circle of life.

Maiden aunts and bachelor uncles often live with extended family, either with elderly parents in the Grossdaadi Haus, or in small cottages tucked on the farm. Twins Emma and Edna grew up within shouting distance of their two maiden aunts. “Our own mother was so busy with seven kids and a household to run,” Edna said. “The aunts had time for us. We used to go over each evening after dinner and spend time with the aunts. In a way, they were like having a second mother.”

A fond memory for Ohio-born Katie Miller is that of her grandfather reading to her and her younger sisters on winter afternoons during off Sundays. “We would sit in front of the woodstove, and Grandpa would read to us stories from Martyrs Mirror. It was his way of teaching us, I suppose. He was a quiet man, not the kind of person who would ever tell you what to do, but he liked to show us, through stories, when we found ourselves in difficult situations.” A perfect example of how the Amish influence younger generations: Katie’s grandfather was weaving a rich culture deep into his granddaughters’ way of thinking.

Extended families don’t just live together, they often work together.

Amos Riehl runs a quilt shop with his wife, mother, and two daughters, in the bottom of his farmhouse in a small town near Lancaster, Pennsylvania. The quilt shop started accidentally. Amos is a farmer whose property wraps around an old abandoned public one-room schoolhouse. When the property was being auctioned off by the state of Pennsylvania, Amos grabbed it. “I didn’t want that piece of property sold off to someone I didn’t know.” To help afford the taxes on that property, his wife offered to sell a quilt. First, though, the quilt top had to be quilted. A frolic was planned, and friends and neighbors pitched in to help. The quilt sold for enough to pay for the first year’s taxes. At that point, Amos’s church felt that they could use the schoolhouse for their own children. Amos sold the property to the church for a loss. “If there’s one thing you can guarantee about the Amish, it’s that they won’t allow anyone in their community to go it alone.” Women of all ages started to help make quilt tops on a regular basis to help the Riehls weather that financial contribution. It wasn’t long until a cottage business developed for the Riehls. The quilt shop grew so quickly that Amos stepped in as manager and let his sons-in-law farm their many acres.

Two little impish boys peeked through a dusty basement window and waved at Amos, their grandfather. One of the boys had a chocolate milk mustache. Amos shook his head at the boys. “What I like about having grandchildren is that you can have fun with them.” He points a big thumb up to the main house where his daughter and son-in-law live. “But the best part is when they start getting queer [tired, unhappy], you can send them back.”

Road Map: Getting There from Here

Changes in family structure are inevitable. Our nests fill up and then empty out in the blink of an eye. The Amish seem to accept and prepare for change right from the beginning, rather than mourning or dreading it. What are some benefits of the Amish attitude toward change?

The presence of the older generation is not simply tolerated in an Amish home; it is appreciated, valued, cherished. Try to find a way to incorporate the value of older people in your family life. One Montana mom invited her newly widowed grandmother to move in. A Pennsylvania family stops by a retirement home after church to visit a former neighbor. One young woman visits her grandfather’s Alzheimer’s facility and plays well-loved hymns on the piano. It’s important to show the elderly people in your life that you haven’t forgotten them.

Aunts, uncles, and grandparents can be extremely influential in younger generations. It takes effort, though, to build an ongoing relationship with a child. You have to be the one who reaches out—a child can’t be expected to take the initiative. Is there a relative in your life with whom you could develop a closer relationship? Send an email, remember a birthday, pick up the phone and call. Do something to show you care!

Cousins can be as close as siblings. They need time together to create memories and share their lives. What are some ways you can foster the relationship between your children and your nieces/nephews? Remember, loving relationships take time and nurturing. And someone to make the effort.

Thank you, Lord, that I have a few things worth giving. Even if it’s a lap to be sat on or the comfort of a warm embrace.

—Scribe from Seymour, Missouri

After retiring from dairying in 1994, I started to help my wife, Rachel, piece quilt tops. I find I enjoy helping her. A friend said he hasn’t stooped that low yet. But I still call him a friend.

—Scribe from Somerset, Pennsylvania