The Family Edge

S pecific activities and practices develop and cement capital within the family. In this chapter I will use examples from my own family, my clients, and research. The “Family Capital Activity Survey” at the end of the chapter will help you determine to what extent your family develops capital through such efforts.

The “Secrets” of Creating Family Capital

Characteristics important for family capital include (1) family identity, (2) family rituals and traditions, (3) commitment to family, (4) coping with crises, and (5) spiritual wellness. These characteristics, strengthened by family activities, create stability within families.

We Are Family—The Role of Family Identity

When working with families who own businesses, I have come to realize that they tend to have family members with personal identities inextricably connected with family identities. Identifying oneself with a family tends to encourage commitment to and resource sharing with the family. Moreover, a strong family identity encourages family members to develop strategies and goals to preserve that family identity.

One family with a strong identity that I consulted with for several years was the Bucksbaum family, owners of General Growth Properties, founded by brothers Martin and Matthew Bucksbaum. Starting with a shopping center in Cedar Rapids, Iowa, in 1954, Martin and Matthew developed shopping centers and malls across the United States. By 2007 they had acquired 194 malls with over 200 million square feet, and the family’s combined net worth was over $2 billion (until the financial crisis of 2008). In the early 1990s, I was asked by one of their financial advisors to help them with some concerns they had regarding their management team, and to provide some help and support for John Bucksbaum, Matthew’s son, who was the likely successor to the two brothers. (John had a sister, Ann, and Martin had a daughter, Mary, and two stepsons. Neither Ann nor Mary had strong interest in taking over the management of the business, but one of Martin’s stepsons had held a leadership role in the company.)

I first met Martin and Matthew in Las Vegas at a convention they were attending. They looked like brothers, and as I worked with Martin and Matthew over several years I came to learn that, like most brothers, they had some disagreements but by and large showed a united front when dealing with many business challenges. Their Jewish heritage was very important to them, and their family’s identity was closely connected to their faith as well as their business. Being a Bucksbaum meant something—it identified them, both in the business and in the community.

Philanthropy has also been a cornerstone of the Bucksbaum family and its identity. The family has given of their wealth to many organizations to enrich the communities they lived in (mostly Iowa and Chicago). For example, Matthew and his wife Carolyn donated $42 million to the University of Chicago to create the Bucksbaum Institute for Clinical Excellence, and the family has provided strong support to Aspen Music Festival, the Chicago Symphony, and the Lyric Opera of Chicago. Matthew also served his faith as president of the Temple B’nai Jeshurun. In meetings with Martin and Matthew and in the long conversations that I had with John it was clear that the Bucksbaum family wanted to leave a positive legacy in their communities. They saw themselves as being distinct from other families. They wanted to be known for exemplifying hard work, well-designed shopping malls, integrity, and service to their communities.

Other families I have worked with have had similar intentions to create a clear family identity. One such is the family of Stephen Covey, author of The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. Covey was a member of the Department of Organizational Behavior at Brigham Young University when I was a student there, and I served as his teaching assistant for one semester. He also attended one of my family business workshops (he involved his family in his consulting business) and wrote an endorsement for one of my books, so I got to know Steve quite well. One way Steve strengthened his family was by creating a family mission statement. Steve wrote the following about family mission statements: “Write a family mission statement—identify what kind of family you want to be. For instance, what qualities define your family, what kinds of feeling(s) do you want in your home, how do you want to build relationships? Get everyone involved in these questions and write something that describes your family and how you want to be.”¹

Some families keep a family shield or crest with symbolic meaning that differentiates their family from others. I remember when my parents took all of their children and grandchildren on a family vacation to Southern California, and all family members were supplied with (and were required to wear) a T-shirt with the family name on it. Now that’s one way to set a family apart from others.

As I thought about creating a family mission statement, I asked myself what being a Dyer meant. Several core values or beliefs came to mind. Here are a few:

» We remember our roots—we’re descendants of poor immigrants from Europe. We treat everyone equally and with respect.

» Knowledge is power, so we encourage education and learning. Travel is often the best teacher.

I shared these (and other) “Dyer values” with my siblings, children, grandchildren, and extended family at a recent family party and asked if they agreed or disagreed with the points and if they could think of others. We are currently in the process of finalizing a statement of “Dyer values,” which I hope will help foster unity and help pass our values to future generations.

Oral and written histories or journals also reinforce the uniqueness of a family. My father and I have written personal histories, in which we describe many successes and failures and how we coped with challenges. These experiences will hopefully encourage progeny when they face hard times and get them to realize that their progenitors weren’t perfect. My great-grandfather John Lye Gibb was fortunate to have a biography written about him that has been shared within the family. Histories and historical events ground the family and are a point of reference from which family members view the world and each other. They give family members a sense of belonging and community that encourages them to connect with and help one another.

My father was a great storyteller. He often told stories to illustrate an important value he thought his children should emulate. The following story, about Nastromus, the architect of a lighthouse in Alexandria, Egypt, was one of our favorites:

Once upon a time there was a king in Egypt named Philip—a proud and haughty king—who decided toward the end of his life to leave a memorial to himself. He determined that he would build a beacon tower on the banks of the Nile River that would shine its light to travelers by water and by land. In the foundation stone of the tower he would put his name and the workings of his kingdom. He commissioned an architect named Nastromus to supervise the construction of the edifice and then promptly forgot about the commission. But Nastromus drew up the plans, hired the workmen, gathered the materials, and supervised the construction of the building.

As the lighthouse neared completion, Nastromus began to think to himself about his situation. He concluded that it was he and not the king who was the real builder of the lighthouse and he should receive the enduring credit and fame. So he devised a secret plan. One night he had the workmen chisel his name into the foundation stone of the lighthouse. Over that he placed a thin veneer of rock, and on that facade he inscribed the name of King Philip and the workings of his kingdom. When the lighthouse was dedicated, the people came and gave acclaim and praise to the king. After the king died and as the years went by, the winds and the rains and the elements beat upon the lighthouse and began to erode away the thin veneer of the rock. Then one morning, after a storm, the people saw that the facade had been washed away. There was the name “Nastromus, the architect,” revealed to stand for as long as the lighthouse should stand, engraved in the foundation stone.

I don’t know if this story is actually true. Regardless, Bill used it to stress that we can display any facade we wish, but a time will come when we will be unmasked, to stand as the true builders of our personal lighthouses. Thus our actions should be congruent with our beliefs. To Bill, hypocrisy was a mortal sin and with this story he hoped to make that belief part of the family identity.

Families can further identify themselves by sharing pictures, events, feelings, and anecdotes on social media and blogs. Many families, including my own, keep track of other family members that way. We also keep scrapbooks with pictures of family members and family events and have created picture books of vacations or other family outings, using Shutterfly or other such firms. We have converted old eight-millimeter family movies and slides to a digital format that we watch periodically. They remind us of earlier times and promote good feelings toward one another and what we have done together.

Family Rituals and Traditions

Family rituals and traditions play a significant role in creating familial bonds. Rituals and traditions of the Dyer family distinguish us from other families. Here are a few:

» A special Christmas Day breakfast of finnan haddie (smoked cod) and “Robbs” (scones named after the Robb family).

» A Christmas Eve presentation by the children, consisting of opening one present and reenacting the Christmas story of Jesus Christ’s birth—in costume.

» The Dyer family Christmas party. My brother Michael creates a new “Dyer family poem” each year that he reads. The poem, typically patterned after a Dr. Seuss rhyming scheme, includes some funny things that happened to family members during the past year.

» Regular family nights when the family prays, sings, teaches about family and moral values, and plays games.

» A family picture on Dyer Street in Lake Oswego, Oregon under the street sign. (This is the street where my grandfather supposedly lived while growing up.)

These traditions represent a mix of traditions from both Theresa’s family and my own. We have kept many of the traditions from both the Franck family and the Dyer family, but I chose not to keep one tradition. I felt a little uncomfortable with the previously mentioned kissing tradition of my father for some reason and decided not to continue it with my son, Justin. As families evolve, they need to decide which family rituals and traditions to keep and which to abandon.

Demonstrating Commitment

Families with capital emphasize the importance of spending time with family members and demonstrating commitment to the family. Since most of my clients are entrepreneurs, this isn’t easy given the pressures to achieve in business. One survey of entrepreneurs noted that 82 percent of entrepreneurs who had been in business for less than five years worked most evenings.² Additionally, 70 percent of those who had been in business between six and ten years worked evenings, while 58 percent of those who had been in business for ten or more years were frequently gone at night.³ One entrepreneur reported to me that early in his career he found it challenging to find time for work and family until his wife gave him an ultimatum: be at home for dinner each night by 7:00 p.m.—or else. Though the ultimatum introduced complexity, the commitment he made helped him to build relationships with his children and provided a sense of stability and certainty. Current research shows that those families that share evening meals function more effectively and develop better relationships than those families who don’t.⁴ Given the pressures and needs of work and family, families need to be creative to find time together. One entrepreneur expressed frustrations and regrets: “My wife is very supportive but occasionally has to demand my attention. She gets fed up with me being gone all night, especially this spring when I was traveling so much. It was very hard on her. It has been stressful in a lot of ways.”⁵ Another lamented, “I’ve always had a problem finding time for my family. I overdid it on the work side—I should have spent more time with my family.”⁶

The time we spend with family reflects our commitment to family members. A seminal study of 3,000 families conducted by Nick Stinnett and John DeFrain noted that commitment to family was the first “secret” of a strong family.⁷ They tell the story of one man who was saved as a child when his mother dove in front of an automobile and pushed him out of the way. Such an act clearly reflected the mother’s love and commitment to her child and left an indelible impression on the son. While such heroic acts are compelling, simpler acts such as taking family vacations, going to the park, attending children’s sporting or cultural activities, and having regular family dinners demonstrate the commitment that family members have for each other.

Without family time and commitment, family capital may not be adequately nurtured. Christian Smith, a sociologist at the University of Notre Dame and an expert on American families, clearly articulates the problems of finding time for and showing commitment to family in his book Soul Searching:

Although many Americans talk about what a pro-family, youth-loving society ours is, it is not entirely clear that many of our actual practices and institutions support those claims. Most of the structures and routines of American life actually pull families apart regularly and effectively. American work and education practices separate family members for most daytime hours of every weekday. Day care centers and preschools remove children from their parents at a very young age. After school, many parents, middle-class parents particularly, schedule their children’s lives with so many programmed activities that they find themselves with very little unstructured time simply to spend together as families. A minority of American families [about one-third] with teenagers eat most of their meals together. And our legal system and cultural practices around divorce make clear that keeping families together is not a particularly high societal priority. Contrary to our culture’s pro-family rhetoric, an alien anthropologist might have good reason to conclude that members of American families actually have little interest in spending time together. To be clear, the point here is not that individual parents and other adults are rotten people who do not love their children. These, rather, are largely matters of routine cultural practices and institutional structures from which it is very difficult to deviate. But they do send messages to and have consequences for the youth of our society.⁸

When parents don’t spend time mentoring their children, the children may be like rudderless ships tossed about by society’s winds blowing from all directions. And without a way to navigate the storm, children can become directionless and have difficulty creating meaningful, productive lives. Families that spend time together have better results.

My consulting work bears that out. A number of years ago I was on a conference panel with Peter Huntsman, the current CEO of Huntsman Chemical and son of the well-known industrialist Jon Huntsman. Peter remembered his father being very busy as he was growing up but noted that he particularly enjoyed trips with his father to visit various company factories during his teenage years. Peter said he was often given the opportunity to say a few words to Huntsman employees after his father had given a speech or presentation. So even a busy father like Jon Huntsman felt it was important to mentor his son by bringing him along on certain business trips. One cannot overestimate the power of example when a child spends time with his or her parents.

While I was growing up, my father often left for academic conferences or consulting assignments. However, when he was home he had a strategy to spend time with his children that paid dividends: fishing. Bill was a great storyteller, and what better way to get a captive audience than by renting a boat and spending several hours alone with his children on a lake. He was a good fisherman who taught us how to catch fish (we generally caught quite a few, making the experience enjoyable), but he also told us stories, answered questions, and created bonds of trust and reciprocity. Following my father’s lead, I’ve continued this fishing tradition with my own children and grandchildren. Similar activities can do much to build family capital.

Coping with Crises

Stinnett and DeFrain noted in their study that strong families have the ability to cope with significant family crises. I have found that to be true in the families that I have studied and worked with. One such family was the Raymond family of Greene, New York. I met the family patriarch, George Raymond, in the early 1980s as I began a research project at the Raymond Corporation. As with all my clients, I initially spent a couple hours getting to know him by asking about the family and its history. In George’s case, the Raymond Corporation was founded by his father, George Raymond Sr., and George took over leadership of the business when his father retired. George grew up in Greene and married a local girl named Cynthia “Cynnie” Spencer. They had three children: George III (who liked to be called “Pete”), Steve, and Jean. His story seemed fairly similar to that of some other clients until he described the events of June 1, 1977.

George came home from work that day only to find two bags of groceries on the floor and Cynthia gone. George couldn’t believe she’d leave groceries on the floor, and as he searched the house he found several things amiss. As he looked outside, he saw that the telephone lines were cut. He immediately called the police, who, after a few hours of investigation, determined Cynthia had been kidnapped. After several days of searching, the police found Cynthia’s body in the woods many miles from home—she’d been killed by a deranged Vietnam veteran. The man had kidnapped Cynthia with the idea that he would eventually come forward and “solve” her kidnapping and murder; as a result, he would be given the job of police chief in a nearby town. George, his children, Raymond Corportation employees, and the community were devastated by Cynthia’s death. In dealing with this traumatic event, George later wrote:

Before Cynnie’s death if anyone had asked me what kind of father I’d been, I would have said a good one. I tried to emulate with my children the relationship I’d had with my own father. I thought he would be a good model, a fine standard to shoot for. I did the best I could and, frankly, I thought I’d done pretty well. But the violent death of their mother at age fifty-five had a devastating effect on our kids. Looking back, I would say that the boys recovered fairly well, and, all things considered, relatively quickly, but it took Jean ten long, hard years, and even to this day I think she bears the scars of that horrid day in June.⁹

During the course of my initial interview and in subsequent conversations, George talked about the social support he and his children received from family, friends, and Raymond employees when Cynthia died and how George and his children had learned to support each other during this difficult time. I also interviewed Pete, Steve, and Jean. Consistent with what George reported, I could see that whereas all the children had suffered from Cynthia’s untimely death, her passing had a much deeper and profound effect on Jean. Although the Raymond children had experienced significant trauma related to their mother’s death, they had—on the whole—become successful adults and were functioning well. George eventually remarried, which created its own unique set of problems for the family, but the Raymonds were able to pull together during the crisis of Cynthia’s death and help each other get through it.

In my own family a major crisis occurred after my daughter Emily and her husband, Burke, adopted a beautiful baby girl named Evelyn. Evelyn was small at birth and developed what is called “failure to thrive” syndrome—she was very small and quite weak. Only breast-milk from generous nursing mother donors was able to keep her alive. Unfortunately, we were to discover that her failure to thrive was only the start of her medical problems. Three months after her birth she was rushed by ambulance to Primary Children’s Hospital in Salt Lake City with what was thought to be a serious infection. Theresa and I hurried to the hospital to find Emily and Burke in the emergency room holding Evelyn in what appeared to be an almost comatose state. After a series of tests we learned Evelyn had a condition called hemophagocytic lymphohistiocytosis (HLH), a very rare condition caused by one’s immune system running wild, generating lymphocytes and macrophages that produce high amounts of inflammatory cytokines, which damage vital organs. Without treatment, it is invariably fatal. The only cure for Evelyn would be chemotherapy followed by a bone marrow transplant. For the next year, from February 2009 until the spring of 2010, Evelyn was in and out of the hospital (mostly in), and one of her parents stayed with her the entire time. Family members, particularly my wife Theresa, would periodically go to the hospital to tend Evelyn and give Emily or Burke a well-deserved break. After enduring chemotherapy and finding a matching bone marrow donor in Germany, Evelyn experienced a successful transplant and, as of this writing, is a healthy and happy ten-year-old. Without the expertise of those doctors and nurses, Evelyn would not have survived; but the social support given by the family to Evelyn and her parents was as important—if not more important—in helping the family cope. Moreover, as the result of successfully weathering this storm, our family became closer. Adversity, rather than pulling a family apart, can strengthen a family and enhance its capital.

Unfortunately, not all families weather a crisis well. Crises inevitably bring tension and stress that can undermine relationships. Some families that I have worked with have crumbled under the pressure of a crisis they were unable to cope with—the result often being a divorce or the estrangement of family members.

Spiritual Wellness—Achieving a Higher Purpose

Stinnett and DeFrain describe the characteristic of spiritual wellness, which means the family engages in a purpose transcending family members merely living together as a biological or economic unit. They write, “[Spiritual wellness is] a unifying force, a caring center within each person that promotes sharing, love, and a compassion for others. It is a force that helps a person transcend self and become part of something larger”¹⁰ Some families, like the Bucksbaums, follow values espoused by their religion. That entails leading a life consistent with your religious values and typically involves some sort of service to others—particularly those in need. The Bucksbaum family has been devoted to the values of the Jewish tradition—attending synagogue, and participating in Jewish traditions—which has helped the family develop its identity and clarify the values on which the family culture is based. Religious observance by a family like the Bucksbaums encourages family members to spend meaningful time together and creates opportunities for the family to discuss those important values and beliefs. Furthermore, their philanthropic activity strengthens family relationships and encourages family members to achieve a higher purpose in life.

Families not religiously inclined can also achieve spiritual wellness. I have seen families with little or no religious affiliation sponsor relief activities for the poor in developing countries or service projects in their local community. Paradoxically, they strengthen their own family by going outside the family to help others. The key to developing this higher purpose is for the family to clearly identify how its members can contribute to society in a meaningful way. Discussions within the family at a “family council” or developing a mission statement that articulates the family’s beliefs and values as they relate to service and achieving a higher purpose could accomplish that.

Family Capital Activity Survey

1. Does your family have a formal or informal mission statement or understanding of “who we are” and “what we stand for”?

Yes No

2. Does your family have regular meals together?

Yes No

3. Does your family have periodic family councils or family nights to discuss family issues and concerns?

Yes No

4. Does your family have traditions and/or rituals that you observe on a regular basis?

Yes No

5. Does your family regularly communicate via phone, email, Facebook, Twitter, or other social media?

Yes No

6. Does your family have family videos, pictures, or scrapbooks that highlight the importance of family and family events?

Yes No

7. Does your family have written family histories, diaries, or journals?

Yes No

8. Does your family share “family stories” about important events in the family’s history?

Yes No

9. Does your family have regular activities—picnics, vacations, camping, etc.—that family members participate in?

Yes No

10. Does your family regularly attend church together or participate in other activities to promote “spiritual wellness”?

Yes No

11. Do family members generally attend events where other family members are performing (e.g., sports, music, plays, etc.)?

Yes No

12. Do family members generally come to each other’s aid when facing a crisis or serious problem?

Yes No

13. Do family members feel that they spend enough time together?

Yes No

14. Do family members feel a strong commitment to the family?

Yes No

Scoring: If you had 10 or more “yes” answers, then your family is likely doing well in developing family capital. Scores of 7 to 9 would indicate “moderate” success in developing family capital, while scores of 6 or lower would indicate that your family is probably having some difficulty in developing family capital.

Notes

2. David P. Boyd and David E. Gumpert, “The Effects of Stress on Early Age Entrepreneurs,” in Frontiers of Entrepreneurship Research, eds. John A. Hornaday, Jeffry A. Timmons, and Karl H. Vesper (Babson Park, MA: Babson College, 1983) 180–191.

4. Christian Smith, Soul Searching: The Religious and Spiritual Lives of American Teenagers (Oxford: Oxford University Press, 2005).

5. Jeffrey H. Dyer, The Entrepreneurial Experience: Confronting Career Dilemmas of the Start-Up Executive (San Francisco: Jossey-Bass, 1992), 77.

7. Nick Stinnett and John DeFrain, The Secrets of Strong Families (Boston: Little, Brown, 1985).

8. Christian Smith, Soul Searching: The Religious and Spiritual Lives of American Teenagers, 190.

9. George G. Raymond, All in the Family Business (Chevy Chase, MD: Posterity Press, 2001), 148.

Family is a unique gift that needs to be appreciated and treasured, even when they’re driving you crazy. As much as they make you mad, interrupt you, annoy you, curse at you, try to control you, these are the people who know you the best and who love you.