CHAPTER 9
BECOMING A RESOURCE-RICH FAMILY
T he human, social, and financial resources of a family can fuel a business launch and provide an emotional, social, and financial safety net for family members in need, as I have argued throughout this book. A composite case study in this final chapter will crystallize what I’ve discussed in previous chapters concerning what individuals and families can do to have a resource-rich family.
I thought about using a real case study of a family that had done everything right in developing and transferring family capital. Unfortunately, such a family doesn’t exist (at least I don’t think so). All families make mistakes and neglect some of the principles regarding family capital I have highlighted. So instead I created a composite case study gleaned from several families I have known or studied who provide good examples of what can be done to create and preserve family capital.
John and Martha grew up in the same small town in the midwestern United States and were introduced by John’s cousin. They dated for eight months before they were engaged and had a five-month engagement before getting married. They had dated others before, but tended to have meaningful relationships—”hooking up” was not part of their dating repertoire. So they had learned how to build a positive relationship with another person.
Both John and Martha brought family capital into the relationship. John, trained as an engineer, had a good paying job, and Martha had an accounting degree and worked for a local accounting firm. When they married, John had $5,000 in savings and a small sedan and Martha had $10,000. Both had good relationships with their parents and siblings and also had developed good relationships with extended family. John and Martha regularly kept in touch with their family members via phone, email, Instagram and Facebook, so they knew what was happening in their family member’s lives. Before marriage, the two did not cohabit, but they did discuss issues like finances, family roles, and whether or not to have children. They also received premarital counseling from their local clergyman.
Early in their marriage, John and Martha decided to implement the following customs in their family:
» A date night each week
» A few family parties each year for family members living in the area
» The adoption of several traditions from each other’s family, which provided them with an important link to the past
» Regular church attendance, along with projects at the local soup kitchen to help those in need
» Membership in two social clubs to expand their social network
Both agreed to be open and honest with one another and to avoid infidelity. In terms of open communication, Martha and John had an incident that helped them remember its importance. Martha told the following story:
We once had a visitor to our home named Harry. The first morning he was visiting I burned the breakfast toast by accident. But Harry quickly said: “Martha, I really like burned toast—so don’t worry about it.” Thereafter, I decided to burn the toast a little bit each morning to accommodate Harry. However, after about three days of preparing Harry his burned toast he finally said, “Martha, what’s with the burned toast? I’m tired of burned toast.” To which I replied, “But I thought you liked burned toast.” Harry confessed, “I only said that to make you feel better. I really hate burned toast.” After that, I didn’t burn the toast any more, but John and I used that incident to help us in our marriage. When either of us thought the other wasn’t being truthful, one of us would say, “Remember Harry’s toast.”1
John and Martha pooled their finances and they were completely transparent with each other regarding their financial situation. They also had a budget and put 10 percent of their income into savings each month for emergencies and for retirement. Some conflicts arose in the marriage—John spent too much money, and Martha sometimes felt neglected by John—so John and Martha would periodically do a “start-stop-continue” activity for which they would sit together and discuss things they should start, stop, and continue to strengthen their marriage. They found this exercise to be very helpful. They also implemented Professor John Gottman’s “5 to 1 ratio” in their marriage—five positive interactions between partners to one negative interaction.2 Such a ratio creates a reservoir of good will between partners along with stability in a marriage when times get tough. John and Martha were committed to making their marriage work.
John and Martha had several children—they were surprised at how much attention children needed and how much work and money were involved in raising them. Still, their basic assumption was that the children were a gift and they had to do everything possible to nurture and support them so they would grow to be healthy and productive adults. Abuse, either physical or verbal, was not part of the family culture.
When the children were born, both John and Martha took paternity/maternity leave. Martha got eight weeks off and when she went back to work part-time, John took his paternity leave. Thus, for the first three months of life John and Martha exclusively cared for each child. After their leaves ended, Martha was fortunate to have her mother care for the children when she was at work. Martha eventually went back to work full-time once the children were in school, and John and Martha juggled their schedules as best they could to be present when the children left for school and when they came home. Soon, the couple decided to do the following:
» Create a family mission statement that described the family core values.
» Identify chores the parents and the children should do each week, which was put on a poster for all to see.
» Have dinner as a family each night.
» Create a will designating what should happen if one or both of them were to die.
» Acquire life insurance policies on John, Martha, and the children to protect the family against an untimely death.
» Read regularly to the children.
» Identify resources outside the family that could be used to help family members, while realizing that the family wouldn’t want to be completely dependent on them.
» Allow the children to solve problems on their own—that is, be a mentor but not a helicopter parent.
As John and Martha’s children matured, the couple went to great lengths to ensure their children would succeed in school: They helped with homework—John with reading and Martha with math. They took responsibility for their children’s education, not assuming the school by itself would suffice. One parent always attended the children’s parent-teacher conferences to check on their children’s progress. They got remedial help from the teacher or other resources when children struggled.
Each day they set times to wake up, eat breakfast, do chores, practice musical instruments, do homework, play, have “screen time,” and other such events. The schedule wasn’t so rigid that changes couldn’t be made, but the children had a clear understanding of what was expected of them each day. John and Martha believed such a schedule created stability for the children and allowed them to develop their talents and a sense of responsibility. Traditions such as camping, fishing, and visiting grandparents were established. The outdoor activities taught the children how to set up camp, cook food, stay warm and dry, and clean up before leaving camp. Family members were encouraged to attend each child’s recital, ball game, play, or other such activities, schedule permitting. John and Martha would talk with their children individually about any problems, offering advice and encouragement. The family also began to have “family councils” where the family would get together to discuss family issues, listen to instruction of the parents, hear issues raised by the children, make decisions together, and just have fun.
As the children became teenagers, the parents began to share, in more detail, the family mission statement and values. The children helped articulate how those values could be expressed in their everyday lives. The children were given opportunities to express their talents in different ways, and John and Martha got them involved in various service projects to help those in need.
The children would often talk to grandparents and extended family on the phone or by using FaceTime. The children were also encouraged by their parents to travel, be involved in extracurricular activities at school, and participate in other activities to develop their talents.
John and Martha started talking about careers to the kids when they were in their mid-teens. They were aware of a study by professors Brad Wilcox and Wendy Wang that points to a sequence of events that leads to financial stability and well-being for teenagers:3 earn a high school diploma, get a job and start working full-time, and get married before having children (or don’t have children if staying single). Of those who followed the three steps in order, only 3 percent were classified as poor. Even millennials from poor families and from different racial and ethnic backgrounds did better financially by following the “success sequence.” However, 53 percent of millennials in the study who did not follow this sequence ended up in poverty.
Armed with this information, John and Martha encouraged their children to graduate from high school, get work experience during high school to prepare for a full-time job, and not engage in risky behaviors that would lead to an unwanted pregnancy. John and Martha had very frank discussions about sex with each child. The couple introduced the children to their friends who had careers they might be interested in. In a few instances, John arranged for his children to “job shadow” his friends. These family friends also became part of the children’s broader social network.
At this time, John and Martha attended periodic marriage enhancement meetings to improve their marriage. They also attended marriage counseling when a particularly difficult issue arose that they weren’t able to solve themselves—John’s spending problem was getting worse. Marriage counseling proved to be very helpful to both of them.
In their later years, John and Martha maintain regular contact with their children—now adults—and grandchildren. They continue to counsel their offspring regarding challenges and let them know what family capital might be available. The couple holds yearly family councils with their adult children and their spouses to give advice, review the basic elements of their will, and discuss what will happen with their assets when they pass away. They regularly send messages of encouragement and support to their sons, daughters, and grandchildren through email and other media, as they embrace their role as cheerleaders.
John and Martha organize family reunions, where they share the family mission statement and discuss favorite “war stories” about the family that exemplify the family’s values. When possible, John and Martha visit their offspring and grandchildren and go on vacations with them as well as attend special occasions.
The couple has taken up genealogy as a hobby, and they gave each of their children a chart showing their family tree. John recently got a DNA test that he shared with the family. Martha and John also have written personal histories in which they share major events in their lives and have digitized and sent all family photos to the family. They want their progeny to know their rich heritage.
With good counsel from their lawyer and estate planner, John and Martha have revised their will to leave some inheritance to their grandchildren. They have also helped some family members financially when in need, with the approach of giving money rather than loaning it. Martha says, “I keep my purse open and my mouth shut.” But Martha acknowledges that she doesn’t want her family to feel entitled. So money just to help with schooling or the down payment on a house or car seems appropriate to her.
John and Martha have also constructed a family capital genogram to identify where family capital resides in the family and to think about how that capital might be used to benefit family members. John and Martha still talk with their sons and daughters about their careers (and at times with sons- and daughters-in-law) and give them advice on how to leverage family (and nonfamily) resources to help them succeed. John and Martha encourage a learning-by-doing approach as they counsel their children and grandchildren on how to best develop their talents.
This case of John and Martha illustrates what families can do to develop, strengthen, and transfer family capital. No family is perfect in how it generates and uses family capital—I’ve never met anyone quite like John and Martha. But this composite case, using best practices from several families, suggests some important activities that can be used to enhance family capital.
This book began with a puzzle: why are certain groups more entrepreneurial than others?. A related question is: why has entrepreneurship been on the decline in the United States, particularly among millennials? I believe that the arguments and data that I’ve presented make a compelling case for the following answer: A significant decline in family capital in recent years has made it more difficult for individuals and families to garner resources to start new enterprises and/or support their families, which has led to the current family capital crisis. Millennials, who have experienced much more upheaval in their families than previous generations, have fewer family resources to draw upon and are less equipped by their parents and family to endure the rigors of an entrepreneurial career and cope with life in general. No doubt other factors, such as the recession in 2008–2009, play a role in start-up activity. But it’s clear that if you have worked with family members in a business, are married, and have emotional, social, and financial support from a spouse and family members, you’ll not only be more likely to start a business but also be more successful in it.
My experience has taught me that individuals and families can develop and use family capital to great benefit. I’ve seen families who had little to begin with create and share resources that allowed the family to move out of poverty—typically by starting a new business. I’ve also seen families deliberately attempt to use family activities and family values to strengthen family ties and to develop, conserve, and transfer family capital to family members across generations. So it can be done, if individuals and families take seriously the importance of family capital for themselves as well as for society as a whole. Throughout this book I’ve tried to provide hope for those who want to build family capital in their own families. The assessment surveys, examples of families that have succeeded (or failed) in developing family capital, and research have all been designed to help provide knowledge and tools you need to help your family. For almost all of us, our families are the most important organization we will be a part of during our lifetime. Thus we should strive to make our families as strong and vibrant as possible—for ourselves, our family members, and our posterity. It’s up to us to make it happen.
1. This story was told to me by my father. The actual person who told him was Bertha Maslow, the wife of the famous psychologist Abraham Maslow. My father knew the Maslows well.
2. Kyle Benson, “The Magic Relationship Ratio, According to Science,” The Gottman Institute, October 4, 2017, https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-magic-relationship-ratio-according-scienc.
3. W. Bradford Wilcox and Wendy Wang, “The Millennial Success Sequence: Marriage, Kids, and the ‘Success Sequence’ Among Young Adults,” AEI and Institute for Family Studies (2017).