I didn’t notice more than a few speckles. A lot more blood came out when I got my period. Even spotting makes a worse mess. The hard part was getting it in. He almost put it in the wrong hole. It did sting at first, pretty bad, but it wasn’t half as awful as Dani made it out to be. Or as good. Part of the reason I felt scared was because Dani told me the man would have to tear through the fleshy part of the hymen with one hard jab of the penis before things could get started in earnest. She used those exact words—tear through the fleshy part of the hymen. Whenever someone said, I’m going to tear you a new one, that’s what I thought about—losing my virginity. But it wasn’t like that at all.
It was only in the shower after that I started to shake. As I washed his smell off my skin, I thought about how you were supposed to feel different afterwards, like a woman, and how I felt exactly the same as I did that morning, except maybe a little tender down there. I figured maybe it took a few days for the change to sink in. I studied myself in the mirror to see if I looked any different.
Logan went on and on so much about the bathroom when I got back that I told him Mom was in the front yard, so he could go, but only if he went quick. I emphasized quick.
He said, “Alright, farm girl.”
My mom actually left off someplace while I was in the shower, but I had no idea where she went or when she would be back. That was fine with me. I’d heard stories about how a mother could tell her daughter wasn’t a virgin anymore just by looking at her, but I doubted my mom would notice anything. I looked the same as ever, just wet from the shower and a little tired. I’d lost my virginity, but I kept the box it came in.
Before I finished saying, “Fine, you can go,” Logan was jogging across my room headed to the bathroom. He stopped in the doorway as I tried to squeeze past and took my cheeks in his hands and studied my face. I thought he might be angry about something. That was how serious he looked. But he only kissed me and shut the door. I knew then that once he left my house, I’d never see him again. He might think he was going to come back and see me, even really believe it when he said it, but he wouldn’t. This was all I was going to get.
Luckily, there were no windows in the bathroom, so he couldn’t see my mom wasn’t in the yard talking to Mr. Cannon. I’d of hated to have him think I’d lied.