I SLEPT.
I dreamed of the Portsmouth streets, empty and desolate, the winds blowing, the fruit stalls fallen over. I saw myself running towards Mr Lewis’s establishment, desperate to see him, flinging open the doors and charging up the stairs to where my bunk and those of my brothers lay, but they were empty and the sheets pulled away. I looked around. I was alone.
I woke.
I sat by the oars with someone rowing beside me, who I knew not. I extended my arms and pulled them back in, dragging the water with me. I watched the horizon. I ran my tongue along my lips, hoping to find some moisture there. The sun burned down on me. I rowed and perhaps could have rowed until I died, only the captain told me my time had come and I slid away and found a small piece of the tub to call my own.
And I slept.
I saw the Bounty and happy days on it. I pictured sitting at the captain’s table in his pantry with a fine meal before me, the captain and Mr Fryer on either side of me. The Frenchman, Mr Zéla, seated opposite. Captain Cook telling a story about an adventure he had enjoyed on the Endeavour. And then him pointing a fork at Mr Bligh and making an accusatory remark, at which point—
I woke.
I looked towards the horizon. Nothing. I stared at the sailors. None of us spoke. Mr Bligh divided a morsel of bread into eighteen and when he handed me mine I started to laugh, a queer sort of laughter, though, for there was no humour in it. I looked at the piece of bread; no bigger than my thumbnail, it was intended to last me for the day. I don’t know what made me do it, but I rested my arm over the side of the tub, the bread held twixt thumb and forefinger, and released it to the water. Mr Elphinstone opened his eyes when he saw me do it, but made no signal; then he closed them again. I watched as the morsel bobbed for a moment or two on the surface of the water and then, to my surprise, a fish appeared and swallowed my breakfast, my lunch, my supper, before plunging down into the depths again.
It made no difference. There was no point eating any more.
Death was before me.
I could feel it.