Sexy, Thrilling, and Definitely Bad for Your Health
If you like excitement and fun, you’ll love this manifestation of the Antisocial vampire. Be careful that you don’t love Daredevils too much—they can be addictive.
The most salient characteristic of Daredevils is their own addiction to excitement, which, as we have just seen, is the central dynamic of all Antisocials. The other two Antisocial types are partial to darker thrills: Used Car Salesmen to deception, and Bullies to aggression. Daredevils like excitement for its own sake, a trait that makes them the most socially acceptable of the Antisocials. At least they’re not actively trying to hurt you or take advantage of you.
In a physiological sense, excitement is nothing more than rapid changes in brain and body chemistry; these can be achieved by jumping out of an airplane, having wild sex, playing the stock market, drinking a martini, or buying stuff on the Home Shopping Network. We’re talking drugs here, even though the substances in question are hormones, endorphins, and neurotransmitters. Daredevils also have strong proclivities for drugs that are manufactured outside the body. Whatever the source, the overriding goal of most Daredevil behavior is to get the biggest jolt in the shortest amount of time.
Daredevils do very little worrying. They have far more important things to think about than deadlines, obligations, or how you’ll feel if they break a promise. Daredevils regularly lose jobs, spend money they don’t have, and break the hearts of the people who care about them. Everyday reality is no match for the heart-pounding, gut-wrenching thrill of living a fantasy.
Drugs, whether bought from a dealer or squeezed out of the endocrine system by risky behavior, cause a second problem as well. Over time, tolerance develops; it takes more and more of a drug to do less and less. The huge jolts that Daredevils love so much inevitably deplete their brains of the smaller amounts of chemicals required to maintain day-to-day equilibrium. In the wide, dry spaces between thrills, Antisocials of all types feel depressed, irritable, and empty.
When they feel bored and depressed, Daredevils want something that will make the bad feelings go away immediately. When they feel good, they want something that will make them feel better. Antisocials, more than any other type of vampire, are prone to substance abuse. However, Daredevils are not likely to sit at home and drink in front of the TV. When they are intoxicated, they want to go out and do something. That something is usually ill considered, self-destructive, and very expensive. Over time, as their tolerance goes up, the mess they make of their lives gets bigger and bigger.
This is where you come in. In addition to playmates, Daredevils usually need somebody to take care of them, clean up after them, and get them back on track. They will offer the world for these services, and pay nothing. There is no surer way to get drained than believing that your love and compassion can cause a Daredevil to change out of sheer gratitude. Codependents don’t get gratitude, and their ministrations usually make Daredevils worse. The most self-destructive place a normal person can be is between someone with a personality disorder and the consequences of his or her own behavior. You might as well dance in the middle of the freeway, because you will surely get run over.
Still, when Daredevils are up and running, the ride is awfully sweet. Now that you know what’s under the hood, you still have to choose: Ferrari or Toyota?
Chemical or behavioral, at whatever level you think about their style, Daredevils offer a wild ride that pulls you out of your workaday world and into their alternative reality of fun and adventure. Without even trying, they are superb hypnotists. The alternative reality they offer is enticing—all fun and no responsibility. It always starts small.
“Yo, Vijay. Vampire Brian here with the ski report. Twenty-one new inches of powder last night, with more falling as we speak. If we drive up tonight, we can beat the crowds to the lifts in the morning.”
“Brian, tomorrow’s Friday. I’m working. How did you manage to get the day off?”
Suddenly, Brian’s voice sounds weak and raspy, as if he had to struggle to draw a breath. “I’ve got that flu that’s going around. It’s really hit me hard. I tried to get out of bed this morning, but I just can’t seem to …” Brian’s voice fades into a weak cough.
“Jeez, you really do sound sick. How are you doing that?”
Brian answers in the same faltering voice. “It’s simple; just lie down and blow most of the air out of your lungs. It makes you sound like you’re about to die. Try it.”
Vijay leans back in his chair and ties to imitate Brian’s sickly voice. “I have a bad case of the flu—”
“Really lame, Vijay.”
“How’s this? Do I sound sick enough now?” Vijay chokes out the words.
“Right on the money.” Brian’s laughter turns into a fit of ersatz coughing that ends in a wheezing gasp.
Daredevils are great at spotting people who could use a little fun, especially fun that involves rebellion against authority. As hypnotists, they speak to the teenager inside us and describe all the wonderful possibilities that life holds if we’re just willing to take a risk. The bind they put us in is a dare, simple and effective: do it, or kiss the opportunity goodbye and admit that you didn’t have the guts.
There’s nothing wrong with calling in sick to go skiing if you do it only once in a while. The problem with Daredevils is that they don’t know when to stop. They have a real gift for pulling other people along further than they wanted to go.
I have already mentioned that Antisocials, Daredevils in particular, behave like stereotypical male teenagers. There are female Daredevils also, but they act pretty much like the males. You’ll find them riding motorcycles, playing guitars, cruising bars, and getting DUIs just like the guys.
There is, however, a feminine version of the Daredevil with a particularly distinguished provenance—the courtesan. Courtesans are far more than mere prostitutes. Since time immemorial, they have collected powerful and creative males, messed with their minds, and inspired them to actions they might not have considered on their own. What would history, art, music, and literature be without mistresses and muses like Nell Gwyn, Madame de Pompadour, Lou Andreas-Salomé, Ruby Tuesday, and a thousand other unnamed groupies?
Until now, we’ve talked about how vampires use hypnotic techniques to influence a single decision, like hiring, investing, or calling in sick for a day of skiing. In the real world, vampires prey on people by becoming a part of their lives and influencing them to make one questionable decision after another. Nowhere are the mechanics of this process more visible than in a romantic relationship.
Speaking of romance, do you remember Vampire Alec, the smooth operator in Chapter 4, who swept slightly klutzy Brenda off her feet by seeing her as a dancer?
For a while, they were quite a thing. That is, until … Well, maybe I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s go back to the moment the affair really began. They’d seen each other a couple of times but hadn’t slept together. At first, Alec was attentive, but in the last day or so he’d become almost cool. That night was the kicker. Brenda was sure they’d made plans to see a movie, but Alec never showed.
The intercom buzzes, long and loud in the darkness. Brenda looks at the clock: 2 a.m. “Who is it?” she shouts, as she pads through the bedroom door.
“Alec.” His voice sounds tinny in the ancient speaker. Like somebody from an old radio show.
“Alec?”
“I’m sorry, Brenda. I … Can I come up just for a minute?”
“Alec, it’s two o’clock.”
“Brenda, I’m so sorry. I was, like, I don’t know, scared or something. It was just that … Damn it, if I don’t tell you now, I’ll never have the courage again.”
“Tell me what?”
“That I … Do I have to say it standing down here?”
His words are cut short by the buzz and click of the lobby door.
This is definitely not like me, Brenda thinks, as she listens to Alec bounding up the stairs.
The dark force that caused sensible Brenda to open her door to a guy who’d just stood her up sets the pattern for the rest of the relationship. That dark force is, at least partly, hard wired into her own brain, and into yours. To understand why Daredevils and other Emotional Vampires keep people coming back for more, we have to look at the biology and psychology of attraction. Can science explain why the most difficult people seem to be the most attractive, and why, when we are involved with them and know their faults it is still so hard to let go of them?
Dealing with Daredevils takes a little willpower, and you need to consciously engage your higher brain centers. To protect yourself from emotional vampires, you have to think, not just feel.
Your best defense against vampires is to understand the hungers that move them. Daredevils are in the game for excitement, not financial gain or everlasting love. That part of them will probably not change. If it did, they’d be different and far less interesting people. The way to enjoy them is to live for the moment and the good times you share. The way to get drained is to believe that these moments will last.
As with any emotional vampire, it’s not possible to know what Daredevils are likely to do without knowing their history. The best predictor of what people will do in the future is what they have done in the past. Don’t expect vampires to do something different unless there is some vast change in the situation, like they’ve suffered an enormous loss as a result of their actions, or they’ve been clean and sober for a year or more. Even then, don’t push your luck. Antisocials like themselves the way they are and seldom learn from their mistakes.
Being clear with yourself about your own goals will help prevent you from making mistakes that you will have to learn from. The number one way in which Daredevils drain other people emotionally is not really the poor vampires’ fault at all. Their victims drive themselves crazy trying to get Daredevils to keep their charm, but be more reliable at the same time. Don’t even think of it. You can’t make a Toyota out of a Ferrari.
Your safest bet is to use Daredevils for what they’re best at: fun, and jobs that scare the hell out of everybody else. Daredevils excel at hazardous duty, whether the hazards are physical or emotional. They don’t get hurt easily, and when they are hurt, they bounce back quickly. If by chance you are fighting a war, they’re the best people to send.
If you aren’t fighting a war, it’s still a good idea to learn from the military, which from time immemorial has been the most successful employer of Daredevils. The reason can be summed up in one word: structure. Have rules and procedures for everything, especially safety. Make Daredevils follow the chain of command, and have strict sanctions for noncompliance. When the shooting starts, however, step out of the way and let them do their stuff. They’ll handle the situation better than you will.
Daredevils also make some of the world’s best salespeople. They are motivated by challenge, they don’t get deflated by being told no, and their innate charm makes customers like them and trust them. Unlike Used Car Salesmen, who may sell more in the short run by using out-and-out deception, Daredevils keep their customers coming back for more.
Among vampires, Antisocials in particular often lie through their teeth. Daredevils usually won’t try to deceive you for the fun of it, as Used Car Salesmen will. Daredevils will tell you a version of events that you (or they) would like to hear, rather than the way things are. This is especially true when they talk about sex, drugs, money, what they’ve done in the past, and what they intend to do in the future. If you can help it, never take their word for anything without some sort of external corroboration.
Daredevils don’t worry. If you are going to hang out with them, you’ll need to anticipate problems, because they won’t. Worry about yourself, not about them. Protecting Daredevils from themselves is a full-time job with no pay and no results.
Give vampires full credit for doing what you ask them to do, even if they’re doing it only to get you off their case. This rule works the other way around as well. Give credit only for performance, never for excuses or explanations. This is especially important when you’d rather believe the excuses.
Hold Antisocials accountable for specific deliverables at specified times. Forget about improving their attitude.
Daredevils can hypnotize you without breaking a sweat. Just saying “cluck, cluck”—implying that you’re cowardly—is one of the shortest and most effective hypnotic inductions known to science. Add devil-may-care charm and an alternative reality that’s all fun and excitement with nobody having to pay the bills, and you’ll know why Daredevils can have you hooked faster than you can say “adolescent fantasy.” Speaking of adolescents, the Daredevil’s favorite prey are people who have some doubts about how cool they are, the kinds of people who are especially sensitive to dares.
If there’s a Daredevil in your life, make sure you recognize the warning signs of hypnosis: instant rapport, deviating from standard procedure, thinking in superlatives, discounting objective information, and confusion. I will repeat these signs so often throughout the book that I’m tempted to make up a catchy acronym. I’ll spare us both the indignity, if you’ll promise to remember.
With Daredevils, the battle you need to win is the one with substances. Their own brain chemistry is already intoxicating enough to impair their judgment. Under the influence of alcohol or drugs, they can become a real menace. They’ll do absolutely anything, and they seldom have even the vaguest notion about when to stop. If you are going to draw any lines in the sand with a Daredevil, they should be around substance abuse.
Before you hire a Daredevil for any position in your life, know where he or she stands with addictions. The big ones are chemicals, gambling, spending, and sex. At least one, and possibly all, of these has been or remains a problem for most Daredevils. Know how a Daredevil has dealt with his or her addiction problems. There is a vast difference in the amount of harm Daredevils can do depending on whether they’re actively engaged in abusing substances or are actively involved in efforts (preferably some sort of structured program) to control their abuse.
Never believe that making Daredevils, or any Antisocials, feel guilty will have any sort of positive effect. They are who they are, and they are not ashamed of it. Neither will you be able to “teach them a lesson” by doing the same thing to them that they do to you. They’ll see such attacks as an invitation to a free-for-all, which they will win.
If you want to know why the emotional vampires in your life do what they do, and if you have any intention of getting them to do something different, you must understand and use contingencies.
A contingency is an if-then situation. If someone does a particular thing, then certain consequences will follow. Contingencies are important because they are the basis of learning; consequences, rather than words, teach people how to behave.
To a psychologist, learning is not just someone telling you something and you remembering it. It is the pervasive process, whether conscious or unconscious, by which virtually all our thoughts, feelings, and actions come into being. Whether you recognize contingencies or not, you are using them, and they are being used on you. If you want to be effective in dealing with the vampires in your life, you need to know the rules by which these contingencies operate.
The first and most important rule is: whatever is rewarded will happen more often. The rewards in our lives are less often objects and more often specific reactions from other people. Emotional vampires are very good at using contingencies. Almost everything they say and do is directed toward getting something. They will do whatever it takes to get what they want. The vampires in your life will flatter you, make promises or threats, throw tantrums, send you on guilt trips, or do anything else their devious little minds dream up. If you give them their way, you are teaching them that manipulating you pays off.
Here is a simple, but powerful example of the kinds of contingencies you may encounter:
You finally stand up for yourself and tell a vampire no.
“Why not?” he asks.
Being a fair-minded person, you explain your reasons.
The vampire shakes his head. “Those reasons don’t make any sense.”
Patiently, you explain again in more detail, hoping that this time he will understand. It is only much later that you realize that he has completely forgotten the fact that you said no.
After an hour, you give in just to get a little peace.
This example contains most of what you need to understand about contingencies. Pay close attention, because contingencies are one of the most useful and most misunderstood concepts in all of psychology.
In the example, it’s easy to see how, by giving in, you reward the vampire for pestering you, thereby teaching him that if he wants something from you, he should keep hammering away until he gets it. There is more to this example than that, because there are many other contingencies in operation.
Let’s say that instead of teaching the vampire to badger you, you want to teach him not to. To get the opposite reaction, you have to use the opposite of reward. If, like most people, you think the opposite of reward is punishment, think again. The opposite of reward is no reward. In most situations, punishment is a totally ineffective strategy because it causes unintended side effects. Despite its uselessness, people believe in punishment and keep expecting it to change things for the better:
You’ve had all you can take. You start yelling: “Why do you always try to manipulate me like this? Can’t you just leave me alone?”
The vampire keeps manipulating you because it works. You might think that having someone yell at you and accuse you of manipulation would make you feel guilty enough to stop. (It probably wouldn’t, but that’s another story.) To a vampire, who lacks the empathy needed to feel guilty, having you get angry shows him that your patience is wearing thin, and that all he has to do is keep at it a little longer and he’ll get what he wants. What you think of as punishment, he sees as a reward.
The simplest and most elegant solution in this common situation is not rewarding manipulation. If you say no, and someone asks you why not, don’t answer. I guarantee that this will work, but most people would never consider using it as a strategy because of yet another kind of contingency.
Getting out of a painful situation is a huge reward. We give in to get a little peace right now, even when we know that giving in ensures that the same thing will happen again. Another rule of contingencies is: the most immediate reward is always the strongest. This applies to you, the vampires in your life, and everyone else.
If this is the case, you might rightly wonder, how is anyone ever able to delay gratification? The answer involves something you can do that vampires usually can’t: develop internal contingencies.
If I were to ask you why you don’t steal, you’d probably tell me that it’s because you don’t want to go to jail, but that’s not the reason. Even if you were absolutely sure that you would not get caught, you still wouldn’t steal, because stealing is bad, and you’d feel guilty if you did it. This is an internal contingency. Internal contingencies are what enable mature people to do things that they don’t want to do because they are rewarded only in the long run. There is still an immediate reward, but it is a little voice in your head telling you to do the right thing, or warning you that there will be dire consequences if you don’t. You use internal contingencies all the time; vampires don’t. If you don’t exploit this fact, they will.
Let’s go back to the example once more to look at the internal contingencies.
Over the years, you have learned the rules of politeness. By following them, you hope to avoid unpleasant consequences like hurting people’s feelings or having them get mad at you. One of those rules is, if somebody asks you a question, answer it. Most of us follow this rule automatically, without thinking about it. To be effective in dealing with vampires, you have to think. By this I mean that you have to create another internal contingency, a voice in your head that says something like, Even though it’s uncomfortable, I have to do what works. When you are fighting vampires, there is no place for politeness.
Emotional vampires often make choices that are self-destructive, and then charm people into rescuing them from the consequences. If you’re ever tempted to rescue a vampire, think about the contingencies you are setting up and what you’re teaching him or her about how the game of life is played.
Throughout this book, you’ll learn how to set up effective contingencies with the various types of emotional vampires. You’ll also learn how to stick by those contingencies long enough to let them work.
Contingencies with Daredevils need to be external. Daredevils are usually not mature enough to have developed the internal contingencies that determine your behaviors.
Don’t threaten to leave the relationship unless you’re absolutely sure that’s what you want to do. If you aren’t, Daredevils will always push you to see how far you’ll go. Brinkmanship is the Daredevil’s all-time favorite game.
The more automatic the contingency, the better. Then you don’t have to be the bad guy. The vampires have to choose whether to follow the rule or face the consequence. A good model is: We are leaving at 6:30. If you’re not there, we’ll go without you.
The only way Daredevils ever learn anything is by facing the natural consequences of their actions. Never stand in the way of consequences, no matter how good the excuse. You’ll only be providing advanced training in how to get around the rules.
First and foremost, don’t attempt to explain the concept of responsibility to a Daredevil. Believe me, it’s been tried, and it doesn’t work. As soon as you’re gone, any Antisocial worth his or her salt will be mimicking your attempts at inspiration behind your back.
What you do need to say to Daredevils is no when you mean it. Do not expect a Daredevil to pick up on the subtle nuances of maybe.
If you want Antisocials to do something, ask them directly and let them know what you’ll do if they don’t. Never bluff; they’re way better at it than you are. Ditto using deception of any kind. They’ll see through it immediately.
Don’t bother asking Antisocials to feel what you want them to feel, or to read your mind. Never discuss your relationship; they’ll tune you out in less than 15 seconds. If you want Daredevils to listen to you, avoid saying anything that isn’t entertaining.
When vampires don’t get their way, they throw tantrums. They can explode into all sorts of emotional outbursts whose only purpose is to get you to give in. Don’t.
Obviously, this is more easily said than done. Many of the reasons for this have already been discussed in the section on contingencies, but there are still more.
Everybody knows that the way you get people to stop throwing tantrums is to ignore them. This is often difficult because of a misperception of how contingencies operate. When you try to extinguish a tantrum by ignoring it, the first response you always get is called an extinction burst. People will do whatever it is you are trying to ignore louder, longer, and more enthusiastically. This might make you believe that ignoring them isn’t working, but what it actually means is that it is.
When you are ignoring tantrums, you have to stick with it, or you will teach vampires to be more persistent. Behaviors that are rewarded inconsistently will continue indefinitely. This is why people keep playing slot machines. To deal with vampire tantrums effectively, you have to set up an internal contingency that reminds you not to be a slot machine. As we will see throughout this book, vampires use inconsistency to their advantage, so you will also have to remind yourself not to play slot machines.
As we will see, every type of vampire has its own favorite kinds of tantrums. They yell, they cry, they pout, they lecture, they give you the cold shoulder, or they induce guilt even more skillfully than your mother. Many vampire performances deserve Oscars, or at least Emmys. Regardless of their form, there are two important things to remember about vampire tantrums:
First, the very fact that vampires are throwing tantrums means that you’re winning. If what you are doing had no effect, they wouldn’t need to throw tantrums to get you to stop doing it.
The second thing to remember is to hang in there, no matter what. If you give in after the tantrum starts, you’ll only teach vampires to be persistent. Every chapter will offer specific suggestions on how to hold out against even world-class performances.
Daredevils don’t know where to stop. If there are any limits to be set, you will have to set them. Eventually, no matter what you do, Daredevils will leave. Prepare in your heart to let them drift away like the snows of yesteryear.
If by some chance they stay, congratulations. I guess.