Big, Scary, Powerful, and Stupid as the Guys Who Used to Take Lunch Money
There are few experiences that are more emotionally draining than being yelled at. If you’ve met a vampire Bully, you know. You also know that the draining comes not just from the yelling itself, but from constantly walking on eggshells because you might be yelled at, or constantly replaying the yelling in your mind, thinking of all the things you should have said. Welcome to the world of the Antisocial Bully.
Like the rest of the Antisocial types, Bullies are hooked on excitement. Their drug of choice is anger. Rage transports them into a simple and bloody alternative reality in which only the strong survive. In their own minds, they are the strong. In reality, their anger may be the source of their strength, but it’s also their greatest weakness.
Vampire Bullies like power, but they don’t understand it. They aren’t interested in the sedate, gray-flannel ways of real power, in which strength is measured by what you might do. For Bullies, the excitement comes from actually doing it. No amount of real power can match the raw thrill of confrontation and the sweet, feral scent of fear.
Vampire Bullies are animals. Well, we all are, but Bullies are more in touch with their animal nature than most people. They use that primitive power to manipulate the animal in you.
By animal nature, I mean the older parts of the brain that have come down to us virtually unchanged from the time of the dinosaurs. The patterns for anger and fear are hardwired into our souls.
“F—ing garbage!” Vampire Richard snarls, throwing the brief down on the glass top of his desk. “A first-year law student with half a brain could do a better job than this. And I thought you were supposed to be some big-time genius from Harvard. What do you have to say for yourself?”
Ethan’s heart flutters like a butterfly impaled on a pin. “Uh …”
Richard shakes his head in disgust. “Let me tell you something, Mr. Harvard hot shot,” he says, leaning forward and pointing his finger. “If you ever hand me another piece of dreck like this, I’m gonna shove it right down your throat.”
Now Ethan feels himself getting mad. Stand up to the bastard, damn it! he shouts to himself, inside his head. Richard’s nothing but an old man. You can take him.
Then Ethan imagines what would happen if he actually started a fight with a senior partner. Shock at his own impulse hits him like a blow to the gut. Ethan’s mind won’t work; still he forces himself to answer. “What’s wrong with the brief?” he finally gasps. He wants to say more, but seems to have run out of air.
Richard stands up, rising to his full five-and-a-half feet. Ethan involuntarily shrinks down in his chair. “If you don’t know,” Richard says, “there’s no point in telling you.”
It’s called the fight or flight response. Our ancestors needed it as a way to shift into overdrive in response to physical threats. Without it, they wouldn’t have lived long enough to become our ancestors. The rules were simpler back then. If the danger is smaller than you, kill it and eat it. If it’s bigger, run away before it eats you.
Richard’s attack neatly transported Ethan to an alternative reality that looked a lot like Jurassic Park. In that world, Richard was completely at home, and Ethan was little more than a babe in the woods, Harvard Law notwithstanding. Even though law school is no place for the squeamish, the aggression there is a bit more subtle.
Richard’s simple and transparent actions didn’t fool Ethan for a second, but they did fool his brain. The crude attack on his ego was misread as a physical threat, and presto, Ethan’s physiology was ready for a race or a fistfight, a state hardly conducive to intellectual riposte.
Never in a million years would Ethan actually throw a punch, but in that one instant, he considered it. Then everything went blank.
Ethan’s own brain betrayed him. By the time he figured things out, Richard was already thumping his chest in victory.
Bully hypnosis is crude, but extremely effective. Bullies just attack and let your own nervous system do the rest. A Bully assault can bypass the rational part of your brain and set you down in a prehistoric alternate reality where there are only three choices: fight back, run away, or stand still and be eaten. It’s the perfect bind; no matter which one you choose, you lose. The newer, smarter parts of your brain may realize what’s happening, but they’re so awash in chemicals and primitive impulses that they can do nothing but watch in horror as the grim drama unfolds.
A common experience when Bullies attack is not being able to think and not knowing what to say. This happens because the parts of your brain that control thinking and language have been short-circuited. There is no greater isolation than being separated from your own mind.
A Bully’s anger elicits dumb, brutish fear. Like all hypnotists, Bullies know exactly what they want, and what they have to do to get it.
Fear leads to avoidance. After a couple of attacks, Bullies usually don’t have to do anything to maintain their hypnotic control except snarl once in a while. People let them do whatever they want, because it’s easier than confronting them.
Bullies are angry people who have discovered, to their delight, that anger—which they would engage in anyway for its thrill value—also gets them power and control, at least in the short run. In the long run, Bullies’ anger destroys them. So what? Knowing that the vampire who’s browbeating you right now will eventually get his or her comeuppance offers little comfort and no protection.
The hypnotic relationship between anger and fear has stood the test of time, and it will continue until you do something about it. But what?
Lots of people have given you advice on how to deal with Bullies.
Your mom probably said to ignore them and they’d go away, but you couldn’t and they didn’t. They’d walk along beside you, poking, prodding, and teasing you until you felt like you’d explode or, worse, cry. “Sticks and stones can break your bones, but words can never hurt you,” your mom said. As each new taunt burned its way into your psyche, you wondered what planet your mother grew up on.
Maybe your dad told you to fight back. If you followed his advice, you learned what abject terror feels like. You and the Bully, circling on the playground, your adversary enjoying the sport, you frightening yourself even more by imagining worst-case scenarios.
The assistant principal, also something of a Bully, made it perfectly clear that fighting would not be tolerated on this playground. If you fight, you get expelled. Should anybody hit you, take no action on your own. Report to the office for further instructions.
As an adult, you’ve probably scanned the self-help shelves in bookstores, looking for some more useful answers. Stand up for yourself, the books say. Don’t take a Bully’s anger personally. Be assertive, but not aggressive. It may be good advice, but it’s harder to follow than the instructions for resetting the margins in Word.
Everybody tells you something different. How do you decide what to do?
The things you’ve heard are both right and wrong. Any of the strategies might work, depending on the situation. They also might not.
Rather than looking for specific advice, remember one rule only: the place to defeat a Bully is not in the dust of the playground, but in your own mind. If you stay in contact with the part of your brain that thinks, even though you’re scared to death, you win. The important thing is what happens inside your head. All that’s required externally is that you disrupt the ancient hypnotic pattern by doing the unexpected.
“I don’t know if I can handle working with him any more,” Ethan says. His voice trembles as he tells Kathy and Ramon about his encounter in Richard’s office.
“You can’t take it personally,” Kathy says. “He does it to everybody.”
“You got it,” Ramon says. “I don’t know why they let that SOB get away with verbal harassment like that. A lot of associates have quit.”
“Maybe you should talk to somebody,” Kathy suggests.
“Who would I talk to?” Ethan asks. “Richard’s a senior partner. The only person who outranks him is God.”
“There’s got to be somebody,” Ramon says. “I’ve heard a few rumors that he’s on the way out.”
“Those rumors have been going around since I was an associate.” The three of them look up to see Lorna, the head of the litigation department, standing in the doorway. She turns to Ethan. “I heard about what happened with the brief. I thought I’d come by to see how you’re doing.”
“How do you think he’s doing?” Kathy says. “Richard just kicked the crap out of him. Why do you guys let him get away with it?”
“Good question,” Lorna says. “I think it has something to do with male psychology.” She smiles at Kathy. “In case you haven’t noticed, there are a number of attorneys in this firm who make very little distinction between the law and Marine boot camp. They think that a successful legal career depends more on how tough you are than on what you know. A lot of people, especially in the old guard, think Richard’s temper is a good way to toughen up tender little associates.”
“Give me a break,” Kathy says.
“I know,” Lorna says. “I didn’t say that I agreed. I think his behavior is hurting us more than some people realize, but those people are convinced only by the bottom line, which in Richard’s case is still pretty respectable.”
“So, what you’re saying is that nobody is going to do anything.”
“Well, you could look at it that way, but I think you’d be missing something important. Not about Richard, but about yourself. What he does works only if you play along.”
“What are you talking about?” Kathy asks.
“You said it yourself. I heard you as I came in. ‘You can’t take it personally. He does it to everybody.’”
Ramon leans forward in his chair. “Easy for you to say.”
Lorna shakes her head. “No, it’s not easy. It wasn’t easy at all.”
For a change, let’s look at the situation from the vampire’s point of view.
First and foremost, Bullies are angry people. If you asked them, they’d say they hate their anger. They know that, like an addiction, it can give them heart attacks, destroy their careers, and drive away the people close to them.
Anger is an addiction with vampire Bullies. They don’t stop because they’re always getting caught up in the rush of chemicals to their brains. Bullies don’t know that anger is something they’re doing; they think it’s being done to them. They think that they’re just trying to go about their business, but then some idiot does something stupid that messes up their day. From that point on, the rest is automatic. Bullies experience the adrenaline rush of the fight or flight response just as you do, but they choose to fight.
Bullies say that they’re not looking for an altercation; it’s just that they can’t allow other people to push them around. Actually, when they’re angry, which is most of the time, they don’t see other people as people at all, but as obstacles or, worse, threats to their dignity. Throughout history, the worst aggression has been committed in the name of defending a reputation.
As you can imagine, with a worldview like this, Bullies get involved in a lot of fights. Eventually they get good at them. When regular people get angry, they distrust their own feelings and hold themselves back. Not Bullies. They lean into their anger and swing it hard to achieve the maximum impact. Later they may be sorry, but in the heat of the moment, they give themselves over to the primitive excitement of battle.
Not only do Bullies give themselves over to the excitement, but they actively court it, whether they know it or not. If you look at Bullies’ lives, you’ll see that time and again, they go out of their way to get into fights. Many of them abuse substances, which lowers their threshold for anger. Invariably, they will say that they’re getting high to relax.
Always remember that Bullies are fighting to achieve an altered state of consciousness, rather than to get you to do anything in particular. Any of the three responses dictated by the primitive brain centers is perfectly acceptable. Bullies will be equally happy if you fight back, run away, or cringe in fear. The way to win is to do something unexpected that will jolt Bullies out of their familiar, primitive pattern and make them think about what’s going on. They hate that, because it spoils their high.
Of course, in order to do the unexpected, you have to be able to think in the midst of an adrenaline rush. That’s what all the advice is about, whether it comes from your mother, the assistant principal, or this book. You can follow any of it, so long as it keeps you in the thinking part of your brain.
I received a letter from a woman who attended one of my seminars. She said it had saved her life. On the way home from my talk, she was accosted in a parking garage by a man with a knife and a ski mask. Instead of panicking, she asked herself, “What would Dr. Bernstein do in this situation?” She decided to scream at the top of her lungs and run toward a group of people at the other end of the garage. This was not a technique I had taught in the seminar. What saved her, she said, was thinking about what to do instead of descending into the fight or flight response. Responsible or not, I was happy to take credit for her newfound bravery.
What do you do if you meet a Bully on the road and you can’t fight back, run away, or freeze in terror? The first thing you do is question your assumptions. Who says you have only three choices?
Richard comes storming down the hall, red-eyed and wild. Kathy’s stomach begins to quiver. Since she was little, she has always been able to tell when someone was about to yell at her.
“Who the hell set up for a deposition in the big conference room?” Richard bellows.
Kathy tries to keep her voice calm. “I signed up for it two weeks ago. Is there a problem?”
Richard extends his hands toward heaven in mock supplication. “A problem, she says! Yes, there’s a goddamn problem! I’ve got six heavy hitters from Yoshitomo coming over in 10 minutes for a contract review. You know how those guys are. Unless they get the big conference room, they’re insulted; it’s like they lose face or something. So, if all you’re going to do is a take a piddly little deposition, you need to get your stuff out of there and into one of the smaller rooms down the hall. Right now!”
Kathy’s muscles clench so tightly she fears her bones may break. Needles of ice jab at her spine. By sheer force of will she pushes a breath past the band of iron around her chest.
What to do next?
The primitive part of your own brain tells you that angry people are big, powerful, and dangerous. They may be, but they’re also really stupid. This is true no matter how smart they are in other areas of their lives. If you use the thinking part of your brain and they’re operating on primitive instinct, you’ll have an advantage of about 50 IQ points. If you can’t win with an advantage like that, you ought not to play.
Thinking, however, isn’t all that easy when a bully attacks.
In that one awful second, everything Kathy has been and done in 32 years comes rushing down on her in a torrent of conflicting emotions.
It’s not fair! I signed up for the room! Objection overruled by the darker law that says whoever is biggest, strongest, and maddest gets his way.
Be nice, dear. Do what he wants. Her mother’s all-purpose smile shines out like a beacon, luring her to the false safety of shallow water.
Don’t take it personally. Advice she’s heard a thousand times plays in the background like a song in another language. Just a string of words.
Hide and it will all go away. A sad little voice wails just as talons of shame drag her out from under the bed.
WHAT HE DOES TO YOU IF YOU SAY SOMETHING WILL BE NOTHING COMPARED WITH WHAT I’LL DO IF YOU DON’t.
But can I afford to make an enemy of a senior partner?
Don’t take it personally. Yeah, right.
Maybe I could work at a smaller firm where it’s less stressful.
DON’T LET THAT MAN ABUSE YOU! THIS IS ABOUT WHO YOU ARE!
No, it isn’t.
Slowly, creaking like a rusty hinge on a seldom-used gate, Kathy’s mind swings open. It’s not about who I am. It’s about him.
As her focus moves from herself to Richard, she sees a pitiful old man who is making a scene because his carelessness might blow his image with a big client. His bullying has nothing to do with her. Unless she completely loses it, her reputation isn’t at stake here. His is.
Don’t take it personally.
Suddenly, the words have meaning. Kathy feels them tingling and fizzing in her body, like giggles.
For some silly reason, she remembers a verse from Dr. Seuss:
What happened then?
“Well, in Whoville they say the Grinch’s small heart grew three sizes that day.”
Giggles are the sound a heart makes when it’s growing, Kathy knows. Richard’s piddly little tantrum is no longer a problem.
She smiles in the face of wrath. “I think I hear you asking for a favor, counselor, but I’m not sure. Maybe you could rephrase?”
Here, in one small vignette, is the whole reason that there are therapists and books full of helpful advice. It’s not what we tell you to do—you’ve probably heard the same advice a thousand times before. It’s the knowing you can do it.
The purpose of all the explanations and examples is to help you understand difficult situations well enough to recognize other possibilities. Your heart grows when you step out of an old pattern and do something new and unexpected, even if it’s scary and difficult.
Especially when it’s scary and difficult. If you don’t believe me, ask Kathy.
To defeat Bullies, you have to stay cool and keep your wits about you. Here’s some advice that may help.
Only in the primitive jungle do you have to respond to attacks immediately. That’s where the Bully wants to send you, but there’s no law saying that you have to go.
Normal people don’t get angrier at you if you ask for a minute to think things over. By your actions, you are communicating that you take the situation seriously and want to handle it well. Vampires may try some other device to get you to respond in an immediate, emotional manner. They want a fight, not a rational discussion. They may mistake your silence for freezing up with terror, which you may be, but you don’t have to let them know it.
Whatever you’re feeling, just asking for a couple of minutes to think things over is usually so unexpected that you may be able to end the confrontation right there. No matter what, take your time and think before you respond.
While you’re taking your minute to think, consider the possible outcomes. Immediately discard any that involve making the Bully back down and admit that you’re right. You cannot be right and effective at the same time. Don’t even try.
Actually, this is easier than you might think. Just keeping your own voice soft may do the trick. Bullies expect you to yell back; don’t oblige them. If either of you is yelling, nothing reasonable will be said.
Another unexpected way to get a Bully to stop yelling is by saying, “Please speak more slowly. I’d like to understand.” Often people will comply with this request without thinking about it. Reducing the speed will also reduce the volume. Have you ever tried to yell slowly? This strategy works particularly well on the phone.
On the phone, also remember the “uh-huh” rule. We usually respond with “uh-huh” when the other person takes a breath. If you go three breaths without saying “uh-huh,” the other person will stop and ask, “Are you there?” Using this technique will allow you to interrupt without saying a word.
If you are ever attacked by a vampire Bully, you may feel a powerful urge to explain the whys and wherefores of your own actions. Don’t do it! Explanations are the way in which primitive responses sneak down from your reptile brain and out your mouth. Explanations are usually a disguised form of fighting back or running away. The typical explanation boils down to, “If you know all the facts, you will see that I am right and you are wrong,” or, “It wasn’t my fault; you should be mad at somebody else.” Never mind that your explanations seem true and reasonable to you. Bullies always recognize the primitive patterns for dealing with aggression. They will see your explanation as an invitation to go for the jugular.
Nothing stops a vampire attack dead in its tracks like this simple little unexpected question. Angry people either do not know or will not admit what they want you to do. Bullies just want you to stand there while they yell at you, but it sounds awfully silly if they have to ask for it.
When you ask angry people what they want you to do, they’ll have to stop and think. This may be enough to move them into the more rational part of their brain, which can only help you. If Bullies are trying to conceal their real motivation, they’ll have to ask you for something more acceptable than what they really want. Give it to them and vanish into the night, unscathed.
This is the hard one. To follow this advice, you have to understand what it means to take things personally.
All of us have external things—our children, our pets, our favorite sports teams, our opinions, and our creations at work—that we experience as if they were parts of our bodies. Psychologically, we make little distinction between verbal disparagement of these things and physical attacks on our vital organs. That doesn’t mean that we have to respond to every criticism with an instinctive kill-or-be-killed counterattack.
If you’re attacked by a Bully, it’s time to employ the vampire fighter’s number one strategy—use your confusion as a cue to stop and think about what’s actually going on. With vampires, how it feels is seldom what it is. Bully attacks are not personal. Bullies yell at everybody. If you think about it, the attacks actually say more about who and what Bullies are than they do about you. To keep from taking an attack personally, you have to look beyond your initial emotional response to see the pattern, then step out of it.
Every criticism contains useful information as well as an attack. If you don’t hear anything useful at first, keep listening until you do. Not everyone who criticizes you is a Bully. Be especially alert when you hear the same thing from several sources. My grandfather used to say, “If three people call you a horse, buy a saddle.”
If you make it a practice to wait 24 hours before you answer criticisms, it will drive vampires crazy. Other people will be impressed by your maturity and reasonableness. You may even learn something.
Reverse these roles if you have to criticize someone who has a penchant for taking things too personally. Structure the situation so that the other person doesn’t have to admit wrongdoing by accepting what you have to say. Always offer a face-saving option. Make it clear in your comments that you understand how a reasonable and honorable person might do what he or she did. Direct your advice toward improving the situation rather than pointing out mistakes. Focus on what you want to have happen rather than on what’s wrong with what has already happened. As we’ll see in later chapters, this technique will prove invaluable if you want to criticize vampires in a way that they can hear and accept.