What should you do if you see signs of Histrionic behavior in yourself or someone you care about? This section is a thumbnail sketch of the sorts of self-help and professional therapeutic approaches that might be beneficial. Always remember that attempting psychotherapy on someone you know will make you both sicker.
The most important goals of treatment for Histrionics are to get them to know themselves well enough to recognize what they want, and to organize their lives so that they can get it. Of the three aspects of maturity discussed in Chapter 2, control, connection, and challenge, Histrionics are most lacking in a sense of control over their lives. It is as if their centers are not inside themselves, but outside with the people whose attention and approval they feel they need if they are to survive. Histrionics must learn to take care of themselves rather than using their charm, devotion, or neediness to get other people to take care of them.
One part of taking care of themselves is learning to ask directly for what they want. The other part is more subtle, as it has to do with self-esteem, which is less about affirmation and more about accomplishment. To feel good about themselves, Histrionics need to set goals for themselves and accomplish them without being diverted by their own emotions or by the needs of others. Whatever goals they set for themselves, they have to stick with them. To do this, they must learn to think instead of feel.
This process I’ve described here usually requires professional guidance, but Histrionics can accomplish some parts of it on their own.
Histrionics are more likely to go into therapy than any other kind of emotional vampire. They love treatment, but often get nothing lasting out of it. This is because they see the task as trying to please the therapist. Very quickly, Histrionics learn how to be the “best patients ever” by responding to the therapist’s needs rather than their own.
Often, what therapists really want are emotional breakthroughs like we see in the movies, blinding flashes of insight in which patients grasp the whole of their problem and change before our very eyes. Histrionics will do this every week. They are experts at turning themselves into what people want, but it is the very nexus of their problem.
The first step in successful treatment for a Histrionic is selecting a therapist with enough experience not to be fooled.
Histrionics favor New Age approaches that make them feel better without requiring them to change a single thing about their wonderful selves. Therapy of this sort is like going to a day spa—calming, but very temporary.
Histrionics profit most from structured therapeutic approaches that emphasize thinking rather than emoting or aimless recounting of unconnected feelings. More than most patients, Histrionics can benefit from a rigorous examination of their past. The focus should be on recognizing continuity in their own thoughts, feelings, and choices, rather than on cataloging the things that others have done to them. If Histrionics feel that their treatment is boring and difficult, they are probably on the right track.
Histrionics are seekers. They really want to feel better, but they don’t know how, so they’re always looking for someone to teach them. They read books, go to classes, and attend weekend retreats, but they seldom stay with any one thing long enough to get below the surface.
Yoga has changed Denise’s life. She’s been to two classes, and it has already made a huge difference in how she feels. She’s thinking of getting an Om tattooed on her shoulder. She’s really getting into Ayurvedic cooking, too.
On her wrist, Denise is still wearing the red cord from the Kabala she was studying last month. The unread literature from the Course in Miracles gathers dust on the shelf.
If you recognize Histrionic tendencies in yourself, the following exercises will be very difficult for you, but they will make a difference.
There are many paths to health and enlightenment. None are easy, and none are immediate. Pick one, and follow it even when it gets boring and difficult.
First, learn to recognize the difference between what you think and what you feel. Then, try to make more choices based on thinking. A good way to keep track of this is by journaling. Instead of running on about what happened and what you felt, make your journal a record of the choices you make, the goals you set for yourself, and your progress toward attaining them. Instead of a lovely folio of scented, handmade paper, think of keeping your journal on an Excel spreadsheet.
Try not to space out when people ask you tough questions. The things you need most to think about are always the ones that are most difficult.
Try it. You may come to like your own company.
You, like everyone else, have a dark side to your force. You need to recognize it, but you don’t have to go over to it.
Everybody takes; it’s a law of nature that no amount of good intentions can repeal. It’s far better to be aware of what you want and ask other people to give it to you. It’s not selfish if you say please and thank you.
Find someone you trust, and give that person permission to always tell it like it is, even if it hurts your feelings. When that person tells you something, listen. Don’t go shopping for a nicer person.
Say it nicely, but say it.
Emotional vampires tend to select therapeutic approaches that make them worse rather than better. Histrionics would prefer medical treatment for their aches and pains to any examination of psychological issues that may be causing them. If two doctors say the problem is psychological, check with a psychiatrist or psychologist before looking for further physical remedies.
Many Histrionics have been damaged by “trauma” therapies, especially the kind that list the sorts of symptoms victims should experience and the stages that they must go through to be healed. Histrionics will happily do whatever is expected of them, even if it destroys them and all their relationships except the one with their therapist.
Histrionics probably shouldn’t be treated by therapists who have what they have, even if the therapists purport to be recovering from it.
Fellow sufferers sometimes forget that real recovery means growing out of the need to have people depend on you the way you depended on your therapist.
If your therapist hugs you when you cry, you are in the wrong place.