The Narcissistic Types
Narcissistic vampires have a disorder that is both psychological and cosmological. They believe the universe revolves around them. Unlike Antisocials, who are addicted to excitement, or Histrionics, who crave attention, Narcissists just want to live out their fantasies of being the smartest, most talented, and all-around best people in the world.
Some Narcissists turn out to be little more than legends in their own minds, but a surprising number are adept enough to turn some of their grandiose fantasies into reality. There may be narcissism without greatness, but there is no greatness without narcissism. One thing is certain, however: in the eyes of other people, these vampires are never as great as they consider themselves to be.
Considering themselves is what Narcissists do best. The trait they most conspicuously lack is concern for the needs, thoughts, and feelings of other people.
These vampires have tendencies in the direction of a Narcissistic personality disorder. The name is derived from Narcissus, a Greek youth who fell in love with his own reflection. To outsiders, it looks as if Narcissists are in love with themselves because they think they’re better than other people. The actual situation is a bit more complex.
More than loving themselves, Narcissists are absorbed with themselves. They feel their own desires so acutely that they can’t pay attention to anything else. Imagine their disorder as a pair of binoculars. Narcissists look at their own needs through the magnifying side, and the rest of the cosmos through the side that makes things small to the point of insignificance. It’s not so much that Narcissists think they’re better than other people as that they hardly think of other people at all—unless they need something from them.
Narcissistic need is tremendous. Just as sharks must continually swim to keep from drowning, Narcissists must constantly demonstrate that they are special, or they will sink like stones into the depths of depression. It may look as if they are trying to demonstrate their worth to other people, but their real audience is themselves.
Narcissists are experts at showing off. Everything they do is calculated to make the right impression. Conspicuous consumption is for them what religion is for other people. Narcissists pursue the symbols of wealth, status, and power with a fervor that is almost spiritual. They can talk for hours about objects they own, the great things they’ve done or are going to do, and the famous people they hang out with. Often, they exaggerate shamelessly, even when they have plenty of real achievements they could brag about.
Nothing is ever enough for them. That’s why Narcissists want you, or at least your adulation. They’ll try so hard to impress you that it’s easy to believe that you’re actually important to them. This can be a fatal mistake; it’s not you they want, only your worship. They’ll suck that out and throw the rest away.
To Narcissists, the objects, the achievements, and the high regard of other people mean nothing in themselves. They are fuel, like water forced across gills so that oxygen can be extracted. The technical term is Narcissistic supplies. If Narcissists don’t constantly demonstrate their specialness to themselves, they drown.
To know how Narcissists experience life, imagine playing golf, tennis, or some other competitive sport and having the best day of your career. You feel great, but the mental wall between confidence and fear is thin as tissue paper. Everything is riding on the next shot, and then the one after that. For Narcissists, the game encompasses the whole world, and it is never over.
Imagine the pressure should the only meaningful goal in your life be proving that you are something more than human. Narcissists’ greatest fear is of being ordinary. They can’t feel connected to anything larger than themselves, because in their universe there is nothing larger. Beyond their frenetic attempts to prove the unprovable lies only a dark, unexplored void. You might be tempted to think of them as tragic figures if they weren’t so petty and obnoxious.
Narcissists are usually talented and intelligent. They are also among the most inconsiderate creatures on earth. You’d think that such smart people would recognize the importance of paying attention to other people. Dream on.
Narcissists are so wrapped up in their own dreams that there is no room for anything else. It is an ironic coincidence that sometimes the realization of Narcissistic dreams benefits all humanity. Narcissists invented art, science, sports, business, and everything else you can compete at. They invented sainthood, too, for that matter. Our lives are better because of Narcissists’ attempts to prove themselves better than we are.
More than any other vampire type, Narcissists evoke mixed feelings. When we view them from a distance, we admire them and even love them. We vote for them, and we contribute to their campaigns. We read their books, listen to their music, and view their artwork in museums. We study their lives in history class and marvel at the monuments they create for themselves. We give them Nobel Prizes.
Up close, Narcissists are the most hated of vampire types, even though other types generally accomplish less and do more damage. Much of what is written about Narcissists in memoirs, on the Internet, and even in clinical texts has overtones of personal loathing. Dangerous Antisocials are often given more sympathetic treatment.
Why the hatred? All emotional vampires use people, but Narcissists do it openly and without apology, firm in the belief that they are better and more deserving than others. This attitude of entitlement stirs in us some of the same judgmental feelings that led the French to cheerfully send their aristocrats to the guillotine.
We resent Narcissists. We deplore the way they ignore our needs, yet unconsciously we respond to the infants inside them that need us so much.
And we need them. Without Narcissists, who would lead us? Or who, for that matter, would think themselves wise enough to say where leadership ends and narcissism begins?
There’s no doubt that too much narcissism is a dangerous thing. But how much is too much?
And what is narcissism, anyway? To live at all, we must have some instinct to put our own needs first. Narcissism may be the power behind all motivation. To live as human beings, however, we must balance that power with responsibility. Struggling with the Narcissistic dilemma is what being human is all about.
Emotional vampires are people who have never struggled with the Narcissistic dilemma. Antisocials ignore it because it’s no fun. Histrionics pretend that they never act in their own self-interest. Narcissists believe that what’s good for them is all that exists. Emotional vampires are forced to prey on other people for the answer that the rest of us must struggle to find within ourselves.
What’s the answer? A great teacher summed that up:
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
Narcissists break the Golden Rule without so much as a thought. Does this make them evil or just oblivious? Your answer will determine how much damage they do to you.
The easiest way to get drained is to take Narcissists’ lack of consideration personally, to get upset over what they must be thinking of you to treat you the way they do. The most important thing to remember is that Narcissists are not thinking of you at all.
Narcissism is not the same thing as high self-esteem. Self-esteem is a concept that has meaning primarily to people who don’t have it. Narcissists don’t need a concept to explain why they are special any more than sharks need a concept to explain water.
You might argue that their constant need for Narcissistic supplies to buoy them up is evidence that the whole purpose of their life is to compensate for low self-esteem. This may lead you to the mistaken belief that all it takes to fix Narcissists is to teach them how to feel good about who they are inside, so they can just relax and let themselves be regular people. As we’ll see in the next chapter, which covers Narcissistic Legends in Their Own Minds, it’s possible to waste your whole life pursuing this futile goal.
The specific behaviors covered on the checklist relate to several underlying personality characteristics that define a Narcissistic emotional vampire
The first thing you’ll hear about Narcissists is that they are extremely intelligent and talented. In fact, you’ll probably hear this from the Narcissists directly, since they are not the least bit shy in saying good things about themselves.
True or False Score one point for each true answer.
A surprising number of Narcissists know their numerical IQ scores and share them with new acquaintances. These numbers are usually inflated. Nobody boasts of an IQ of 130 (the threshold for Mensa membership), although most commonly used tests are not meaningful above that level. If a Narcissist boasts of an IQ of 160, ask: “On what test?” And watch the fun.
In addition to IQ numbers, you may also hear about famous people whom these vampires have met and in some way impressed.
At seminars and meetings, Narcissists often have their hands in the air, but they never ask real questions. They make comments to demonstrate to everyone that they know at least as much and probably more than the person at the front of the room.
The pattern of trying to dazzle you with their talent and intelligence persists with Narcissists long after they make their first impression. They’ll keep on until you’re no longer visibly awed, then they’ll ignore you completely.
Most Narcissists have achievements to back up their high opinion of themselves. Unlike other vampire types who are just as happy to pretend, Narcissists are quite willing to work hard to glorify themselves.
In their careers, these vampires are usually focused and goal-directed. Many are workaholics, but unlike Histrionic people pleasers, who’ll work themselves half to death for approval and love, Narcissists take on only those tasks that pay off in money, fame, or power.
Narcissists are absolutely shameless in their fantasies about how great they are and how much everybody admires them, or should.
If you press them, they’ll admit that they consider themselves the best in the world at something. Actually, you won’t have to press very hard.
Narcissists believe they are so special that the rules don’t apply to them. They expect the red carpet to be rolled out for them wherever they go, and if it isn’t, they get quite surly.
They don’t wait, they don’t recycle, they don’t pay retail, they don’t stand in line, they don’t clean up after themselves, they don’t let other people get in front of them in traffic, and their income taxes rival great works of fiction. Illness or even death is no excuse for other people not to immediately jump up to meet their needs. They aren’t the least bit ashamed of using other people and systems for their own personal gain. They boast about how they take advantage of just about everybody.
Narcissists love to compete, but only when they win. Usually, they’ll do whatever it takes to win, whether it be practice or stacking the deck in their favor.
Narcissists are obsessively concerned with status and power. They’ll fight to the death over a corner office, not because they want a nice view, but because they know what a corner office means in the organizational hierarchy. They know what everything means in every hierarchy. What they wear, what they drive, where they live, and who they’re seen with are not random choices based on something as silly as what they like. Everything Narcissists do is a move in the great game of self-aggrandizement, which is their main reason for living.
Unless the subject of the conversation is how great they are, Narcissists will become visibly bored. One of the main reasons Narcissists wear expensive watches is so they can look at them when someone else is talking.
Besides boredom, Narcissists have only two other emotional states: they’re either on top of the world or on the bottom of the garbage heap. The slightest frustration can burst their balloon and send them crashing to the depths.
To a Narcissist, other people are either prospective purveyors of Narcissistic supplies or invisible. More than any other vampire type, Narcissists are incapable of seeing their fellow humans as having wants, needs, talents, and desires of their own. Needless to say, this lack of empathy is the source of untold amounts of pain to the people who love them.
But for their lack of human warmth, there is a lot about these vampires to love. This is unfortunate, and it seems terribly unfair. Many people destroy themselves by believing that it’s their fault that Narcissists don’t love them back. They will work hard and long, sometimes for their whole lives, without realizing that Narcissists can’t give what they don’t have.
A particularly scary trait that Narcissists share with Antisocials is the ability to feign empathy when they want something. Narcissists are the best flatterers on the planet. They give great ego massages even as they’re draining people dry. Needless to say, this talent makes them great at politics. Even though Antisocials and Histrionics can be sexy, all the best seducers are Narcissists.
Narcissists’ greatest fear is of being ordinary. God forbid they should do something as mundane as making a mistake. Even the smallest criticisms feel like stakes through the heart. If you reprimand Narcissists, the least they’ll do is explain in great detail why your opinion is wrong. If you’re right, the situation will be much worse. They will melt before your eyes into pitiful, dependent infants who need enormous amounts of reassurance and praise just to draw their next breath. You can’t win. There’s no such thing as a Narcissist being objective about his or her faults.
Other people usually feel strongly about Narcissists. They either love them for their talents or hate their guts for their blatant selfishness. Or both. It’s hard to say which does the most damage—the selfishness, the hatred, or the love.
Narcissists always know what they want from you, and they won’t be the least bit reticent about asking for it or just taking it. To deal effectively with these self-absorbed children of the night, you must be equally certain about what you want from them. Always drive a hard bargain, and always make them pay before they get what they want from you. Remember this rule, and there’s not much else you need to know.
Well, maybe one more thing: unless you want your heart broken, never make Narcissists choose between you and their first love, themselves.