With Talent Like Theirs, Who Needs Performance?
Narcissism carries within itself the seeds of both success and failure. Grandiose dreams of being special and unique can be used as goads to get ahead, or as rationalizations for not having to do what success requires.
Many Narcissists push themselves to succeed. They recognize that they can get at least some of the supplies they need just from having an office with their name on the door and making lots of money. Those hapless Narcissists who don’t do well in their careers have to scramble harder to get the admiration they feel they deserve.
Narcissists who can’t turn their grandiose dreams into reality may turn their reality into dreams. They become Legends in Their Own Minds.
With no objective support whatsoever, Narcissistic Legends see themselves as more talented and intelligent than other people. They are expert in finding small ponds that will let them be big fish, and extorting Narcissistic supplies from people whose need to be needed is as great as their vampiric need to be adored.
The house is silent but for the rattling of keys on Vampire Tyler’s computer.
“Tyler, it’s two o’clock. Are you still on the Internet?” Kristin calls from the bedroom.
“I’m almost done,” Tyler says. “I’ll come to bed soon.”
“Come on, honey, get some rest. The Internet will still be there in the morning.”
“I know, I know. I’ll be there soon. I’m closing a big sale with a guy in Norway.”
Closing a sale! Kristin’s heart soars. For the past six months, since Tyler started Netmarket.com, there have been no sales, even though he’s been working on it night and day. The project is a great idea. It’s a subscription purchasing network for small businesses, through which Tyler can match up customers and suppliers anywhere in the world. The earning potential is enormous. Kristin has seen the projections.
But then again, all Tyler’s ideas are great. His creativity is one of the main things Kristin admires about him. Just talking to him makes her see the world differently.
But interesting conversations don’t put bread on the table. Kristin hopes against hope that Netmarket will. Tyler says it’s only a matter of time until things fall into place.
Kristin can’t help worrying that time is running out. Lying in bed listening to the soft clatter of keys, she dares to hope that tonight is the night. It would be so wonderful if Tyler could make his project pay off. They could use the money. Not that she’d put any pressure on him. Since she got promoted at work, they’ve been able to make it on her salary. Just barely. Mostly, she wants this project to work out for Tyler. He could use a little good luck for a change.
Half an hour later, the keys are still clattering. If this is Tyler’s big moment, maybe she should be there to support him. She drags herself out of bed and pads softly into the office to stand by her man.
Tyler is a Narcissistic Legend in His Own Mind. He really does know quite a bit about the art and science of purchasing. Ask him. He won’t be the least bit shy about telling you that he knows more than most business school professors, not to mention the heads of the five or six purchasing departments where he’s worked and been let go. He’ll go to great lengths to explain that his ideas are so radical that a lot of people just don’t understand how great they are.
Kristin tries to understand. She loves Tyler, and wants to help him succeed. She knows how hard he works, how much he worries, and how depressed he gets when things don’t go right. In Tyler’s mind, helping him means relieving him of anything that might distract him from working on his project. That’s why Kristin earns the money, does the housework, and takes care of the kids. She feels it will all be worthwhile if it helps Tyler get his business off the ground. More than that, Kristin hopes Tyler will see that her sacrifices for him mean that there’s someone who believes in him and cares for him. Maybe that will help him believe in himself and do what he needs to do to pull himself out of this terrible slump. Late at night, she sometimes wonders if what she’s doing is actually helping.
It isn’t. Kristin’s nurturing is no more noticeable to Tyler than the air he breathes. He may need it, but he never thinks about it. Like most Narcissists, he pays attention only to what he feels he might lose. Kristin is there for him, loving, solid, and therefore pretty much ignored. It hurts Kristin that Tyler seldom acknowledges her efforts, but making demands and playing hard to get are not part of her nature. If she were down, she’d want somebody to stand behind her.
Kristin is making the most dangerous mistake possible in dealing with emotional vampires. She’s assuming that she understands Tyler based on what she knows about herself. Kristin sometimes has problems with low self-esteem. When she messes up on something, even on something little, she feels like a failure. Kristin imagines that Tyler feels as low as she would if she’d been fired from jobs and couldn’t make any money. So, following the Golden Rule, she tries to give him what would help her.
When other people give Kristin affection, support, and encouragement, she can feel good enough about herself to get up and do what needs to be done. In this respect, Kristin is like most people, but she’s not like a Narcissistic vampire.
Narcissism is definitely not a problem with low self-esteem. Despite the setbacks, Tyler has no doubts about his self-worth. When Tyler broods, he’s not blaming himself. It’s more likely that he’s feeling hurt and abused because people are not immediately recognizing the quality of his ideas and moving him to the head of the class, where he thinks he belongs. The last thing a Narcissistic Legend is likely to consider is that his setbacks are the result of his own behavior. Even when he goes through periods of depression, during which he talks about what a terrible person he is, what Tyler is looking for is not advice on how to do things better, but someone to reassure him of what he knows in his heart—that he’s just fine the way he is. Unfortunately, that’s just what Kristin does.
What should Kristin do instead? To answer that question, we have to look more closely at what prevents talented and intelligent Narcissistic Legends from achieving their potential.
Often, Narcissistic Legends are bright and creative, but it takes more than that to succeed at a career. Specifically, two other things are required: the ability to do things you don’t want to do because the job requires them and the ability to sell yourself and your ideas to other people. Raw narcissism stands in the way of learning and practicing both of these skills. Narcissistic Legends believe that their ideas are so great that they don’t have to take care of all those annoying tasks themselves. The Narcissistic Superstars in the next chapter are willing to do whatever it takes to succeed. Legends believe that success should just be handed to them.
Like many Narcissistic Legends, Tyler started his own business because he couldn’t handle corporate bullshit.
In order to succeed in any business system, you have to be perceived as being part of it. This usually means going through an initiation period of doing pointless work because somebody more firmly entrenched in the system wants it done. There’s no way around paying your dues. Narcissistic Legends are quick to note that the work they’re being asked to do is pointless, and generally believe that they, because of their superior intelligence, are the first to discover this amazing fact. Often, they will use this pseudo-insight as justification for not doing what they consider unimportant.
There are two problems with this approach. First, Narcissistic Legends are apt to confuse what they don’t like with what is unimportant. Whether it’s making cold calls, playing politics, or checking facts and figures, every job requires doing things that you’d rather not do. The first step toward success comes from learning to do them anyway, regardless of how you feel.
The second problem with the Narcissistic approach to menial tasks is that what’s unimportant to Narcissists may be of critical importance to everybody else. To someone who’s climbed an organizational ladder for 20 years, paying dues at every rung, it’s inconceivable that a new hire who never gets paperwork in on time should expect the business to be reengineered in his or her own image.
Besides the forbearance to do necessary but uninteresting work, success requires the ability to sell. Selling, first and foremost, means paying enough attention to other people to know what they will buy. Narcissistic Legends couldn’t care less about what other people want. They believe that they’re better mousetraps, and that people should be beating a path to their door. This makes them terrible at selling. Their idea of a sales pitch is sketching out their idea and acting as if it would be stupid to consider anything else.
Tyler believes incorrectly that having his own business will free him from having to do all the things that make a business succeed.
Narcissistic Legends’ disregard of how they affect other people makes them blind to the real contingencies in their lives. Like Antisocials, they can make the same mistakes over and over and still not learn from them. Narcissists can change their behavior when they find out it’s preventing them from getting what they want. The funny thing is that they seldom find this out because other people don’t explain the problem to them in a way they can understand.
Narcissistic Legends create alternate realities that push powerful people away and attract the weak.
Narcissists know that they’re the best. People who doubt themselves are attracted to Narcissistic certainty. When these vampires want someone, they can make that person feel like the second most special being on the planet.
In the dark hallway, on her way to Tyler’s office, Kristin remembers how it was when she and Tyler first met. He sent her texts, e-mails, and even actual handwritten notes in the mail. He wrote her poetry. It was awful, but she loved it anyway. He gave her flowers and those dippy stuffed animals that she still keeps on the dresser. They stared into each other’s eyes over candlelit dinners (she cooked them and Tyler brought the candles), talking far into the night about his big ideas and wonderful dreams. Kristin had never known such an intelligent person. And Tyler loved her; he said it all the time. More than that, he needed her. She knew that from the moment she saw that pigsty of an apartment he lived in.
Since that time, the love has been buried under the ruins of one big idea after another, but still, Tyler needs her.
Narcissists who want something are willing to work hard and single-mindedly to get it. In the early stages of a relationship, when it’s new and uncertain, these vampires can be enthusiastic, if not adept, at courtship. Their lack of grace doesn’t matter. What really draws their victims in is Narcissistic need.
Prospective purveyors of Narcissistic supplies see Narcissistic Legends as talented, intelligent people who need someone to take care of them. These poor benighted souls dare to hope that in return for their hard work and affection, the vampires will feel enough gratitude to love them back.
Narcissistic Legends are blissfully unaware that anyone could see them as less than perfect. Once the relationship is certain, they stop making an effort. The Narcissist expects other people to be so thrilled by even a little attention that they will happily give anything for the pleasure of associating with such a superior person. Suppliers do little to discourage the idea.
In the beginning, both vampire and supplier see each other as bargains. For a while, their relationship seems to be a very sweet deal. Then it slowly goes sour.
No matter how hard suppliers work, Narcissistic Legends feel very little gratitude. They expect their suppliers to be grateful to them. After a while, even the most caring suppliers get sick of having their needs ignored. Then they create their own hypnotic bind. Either they keep on giving, and thereby continue to be good but exploited people, or they nag or leave or otherwise act in ways that they themselves consider selfish and hurtful. They can’t win, so most often they do nothing but hurt inside.
If suppliers do allow themselves to ask for anything at all, it’s usually something vague and after the fact, like appreciation. They never think of demanding specific behaviors with specific consequences for not complying. Unfortunately, ultimatums and contingencies, the very things that might help the relationship, are as alien to the suppliers as appreciation is to the Narcissist.
The situation continues to get worse. Narcissists do less and want more, because that’s precisely what their suppliers have inadvertently taught them to expect. The relationship is marked by one crisis after another each time suppliers realize that, yet again, they’ve been had.
Kristin gets out of bed to be with Tyler as he makes his first sale. On bare feet, she tiptoes into the office. Tyler, as usual, is hunched over the keyboard. He doesn’t see Kristin until she’s standing right behind him. He seems to be studying an aerial view of a castle with an army of skeletons swarming over it.
“Tyler, what is this? It’s one of those games, isn’t it?”
He turns toward her, grinning like a little boy caught with his hand in the cookie jar. As he does, he hits a key and the Netmarket.com logo appears on the monitor. “Just taking a little break while I’m waiting for Bjorn in Norway to message me. Thought I’d check out the old castle. Bjorn said he’d get right back to me.”
The instant messager pops up. “See, this must be him now,” Tyler says.
The message scrolls across the screen in capital letters, as if someone very far away were shouting to be heard.
“TROLLMEISTER, GET ON THE STICK. IT’S YOUR MOVE!”
Kristin feels a million things at once, none of them charitable. “You haven’t been working at all,” she says. The cold fury in her voice frightens even her. “You’ve been playing those stupid games again.”
“No, you don’t understand. I was just—”
“You don’t have to lie about it, Tyler. From here on out, you can play all the computer games you want.”
“What do you mean?” he asks. His voice is barely above a whisper.
For a long time Kristin stares at him and says nothing. She’s never spoken the words before tonight. Tears fill her eyes and she begins gasping for breath. “I think maybe you should get a place of your own.”
Tyler’s lip quivers as he speaks. “Honey, please don’t. I’m sorry. I’ll do anything.”
If you’re applauding Kristin for finally throwing the bum out, you probably don’t understand either her or Tyler very well. Kristin loves Tyler, and she believes strongly in the power and obligation of love. By turning her back on Tyler after all these years of hoping and helping, she is repudiating what, until this moment, has been the most important force in her life.
Tyler is inconsiderate, and he can’t seem to earn much of a living, but he’s not a bad man. He doesn’t drink, run around, or beat her. The kids love him; when he has time for them, they play Wii together. What right does Kristin have to abandon him for playing a computer game in the middle of the night? Wouldn’t that be more selfish than anything Tyler has done?
The chances are good that Kristin will let Tyler stay in return for a few vague promises to do better. This would be a huge mistake. Letting Tyler stay isn’t the mistake; it’s the vagueness of the promises. What Kristin needs to do is make their relationship contingent on Tyler’s doing some very specific things.
As I said earlier in the chapter, Narcissists can learn to act differently, but they’re usually not taught very well. There are two elements to effective teaching: a good lesson plan, which we’ll discuss later in the chapter, and sufficient motivation for learning. The only thing that reliably provides enough motivation for Narcissists to change is the imminent loss of something they value.
Narcissists are insensitive, but they’re not stupid. They may fume and fuss, but they do respond to ultimatums. If you tell them to shape up or ship out, and they believe you’re serious, you’ll have their attention in a way that is impossible to achieve by any other means. Obviously, they don’t always shape up, but a clear ultimatum, contingent upon very specific behaviors, is the best, and only, chance you’re going to get.
With powerful enough motivation and a good lesson plan, it’s possible to teach Narcissistic Legends to act in a more socialized manner. You may not be able to change their basic narcissism, but you can get them to act in ways that are not so destructive to relationships and careers.
First, the contingencies have to be crystal clear:
“You’re saying you’ll do anything to stay in this marriage?” Kristin asks Tyler at the end of a long and tearful night.
“Anything,” Tyler says.
“All right,” Kristin says. “Here are my terms. First, you can go on with the Netmarket project for three more months. If you aren’t making the equivalent of minimum wage by then, I want you to get a real job and do whatever it takes to hold it for at least a year.”
“Three months? But it takes longer than that to get a thing like this off the ground.”
“Then work on it in your spare time. After you’ve done two hours of work around the house every day.”
“But—”
“No buts. Take it or leave it.”
You’re probably thinking that Kristin would never say those things in a million years, and you’re right. It’s what she should say, because it’s the only approach that will have a ghost of a chance with a Narcissistic Legend like Tyler. Unfortunately, it flies in the face of the kindness and unconditional positive regard that Kristin thinks are essential to a loving relationship.
Can she be this cold and calculating, even to save her marriage? That’s up to her. We leave Kristin struggling with her Narcissist and her own personal demons.
The only way to teach Narcissists basic human skills is to show them clearly that it is in their own self-interest to act differently. A strong contingency is essential. They can put out considerable effort if they believe that it is the only way they can avoid getting divorced, being fired, terminating a friendship, or going to jail. Most other contingencies are not compelling enough. Once the contingency is in place, you have to direct the effort toward two specific goals:
1. Narcissistic Legends have to learn to make themselves do things they don’t want to do.
2. Narcissistic Legends have to learn to sell themselves and their ideas by paying enough attention to other people to know what they’re likely to buy. I’m not talking just about selling at work. Every relationship involves transactions. Narcissists never expect to negotiate, but to make a relationship work, they have to learn.
Be clear that in offering suggestions for change, you’re acting in your own self-interest rather than as the agent of a higher moral authority or out of simple kindness. Narcissists don’t believe in your altruism. Most of them would argue that Mother Teresa’s saintliness was at least in part an ego trip.
Here are some suggestions on how to teach Narcissistic Legends a little work ethic.
Narcissistic Legends are people who have trouble living up to their potential. You can find them everywhere: in break rooms at work, and in chat rooms on the Internet. They’re always talking about how much brighter and more talented they are than people who are merely rich and famous.
Often they really are smart, but if you’re considering hiring them into your life, you need to know more than their IQ numbers. Carefully examine their track record, and expect their future behavior to be similar to what they’ve done in the past. Narcissistic Legends are quick to explain that this time, things will be different. They are slow to grasp how their own hang-ups ensure that everything will stay the same. All they seem to learn from mistakes is that other people make them.
Your goal with Narcissistic Legends, as with all vampires, is to keep them from draining you. This is difficult, because they can drain you in so many different ways. Legends can dash your hopes or suck out every drop of support and affection you have, and still expect more. They can whip you into a froth of self-destructive outrage at their insensitivity, or they can alienate you to the point where you reject a really good idea just because it came from them. The list is endless, and Narcissists take no responsibility for any of it. Narcissism means never having to say you’re sorry.
Narcissistic Legends demand a lot. Your most important goal is to make sure you’re getting something back for what you give.
Narcissistic Legends can tell wonderful stories about the great things they’ve done in the past. Often, the stories are huge exaggerations. Always check. This is the obvious use of verification.
A less obvious and therefore more important use is to get external verification of the value of their ideas. Often Narcissistic Legends present a good idea in such an obnoxious way that it’s easy to discount it. Paranoid vampires do the same.
Virtually all really great ideas sound threatening or impertinent when you first hear them. Sometimes you need an outside opinion to keep your own ego from getting in the way of a real creative breakthrough.
Whatever the task, do the hard part first. In dealing with Narcissistic Legends, the hard part is demanding what you want from them clearly and up front. This is particularly difficult, and important, if you see yourself as a giver. With Narcissists, unless you’re willing to take, you will be taken.
If you do have the capacity to give, you have a tremendous opportunity that is forever denied to Narcissists. You can be a part of the group, a regular person who plays by the same rules as everyone else. Rejoice in being part of something larger than yourself. Narcissists are condemned to live in a world where nothing can be bigger than their own egos.
If you have to deal with Narcissists, the word to remember is accountability. Build it into whatever relationship you have from the beginning. It will be far more difficult to tack on the notion later. Narcissistic Legends are famous for taking on projects that they never finish because they never get down to doing the difficult parts. They may look as if they’re working hard, but they’re really hardly working, at least at the things that pay off. If Legends are doing something for you or with you, specify tasks and set time limits and dollar amounts. Inspect deliverables carefully to make sure you’re getting what you expected. Narcissistic Legends sometimes mistake cutting corners for art.
If you think you can teach a Narcissist to care about what other people feel, it’s probably best to sit in a dark, quiet room until the delusion goes away. Narcissistic Legends don’t understand empathy, and they’re never going to understand by listening to what you tell them.
With well-chosen words and well-constructed contingencies, you may be able to get them to change annoying Narcissistic behaviors, but not the narcissism underneath.
When you hear Narcissistic Legends talking big, ask yourself why, if they’re so smart, they aren’t rich. This isn’t a rhetorical question. The answers you come up with will be essential in helping you deal effectively with these vampires.
The reason Narcissistic Legends don’t succeed is that they can’t make themselves do things they don’t want to do. You need to know what these things are. Make sure your dealings with Legends are structured so that they get the biggest rewards for actually doing the difficult stuff rather than just talking about it.
The words you have to use most carefully around Narcissistic Legends are any that sound even a little bit like criticism. No matter how constructive it is, to Narcissists, the tiniest criticism feels like the fiery sting of a crucifix. They’ll scream, snarl, and rationalize until dawn, but unless the criticism is delivered exceedingly well, they will not learn anything.
To deal with Narcissistic Legends at home or at work, you have to learn to criticize effectively, because they make a lot of mistakes that they will never recognize on their own.
Criticism is a tool that is easy to use badly with vampires (or with anyone). Unless you’re very careful, you can do more harm than good. Here are some ideas about how to maximize the positive effects and minimize the damage.
Give far more praise than criticism. If you want to use criticism well, especially with Narcissistic Legends, the first step is to use praise more often than blame. Narcissists need tons of praise, and to get anywhere, you’ll have to give it. Just make sure you give it for the right things. Catch them being good and reward them.
Don’t be spontaneous. Criticism given spontaneously usually takes the form of an emotional explosion—a way of expressing hurt or anger rather than a planned intervention to help the other person improve. There is a place for emotional expression, of course, but not as a method for getting other people to change their behavior.
Know your goal. What do you want the Legend to do as a result of what you say? You don’t have to spell out what Legends did wrong to ask them to do it right next time. Sometimes a simple request is the best criticism.
Ask permission. Before you criticize, ask: “Are you open to some feedback?” If the vampire says yes, then you have at least a rudimentary agreement to listen.
Criticize the behavior, not the person. We all know this rule, but we break it every day. Focus on the words you choose. If you begin any statement with the words you are and the next word is not wonderful, whatever you say will be perceived as a personal attack, no matter what you intend. Be more effective by asking for what you want or saying what you feel.
Instead of saying, “You are insensitive,” a better approach is to say, “When you answered before I finished talking, I felt put down. Is that what you intended?” Or simply ask the vampire to wait until you finish talking before answering. Remember, the word interrupt carries an accusation within it. For best results, use neutral language.
Give the vampire an out. Provide a socially acceptable reason for making a mistake before you say what the mistake was. Begin your criticism with, “I know you’re busy” or some other statement that implies that the vampire was trying to do a good job.
Rehearse. Practice criticizing Narcissists the way you would practice an important speech. Listen to yourself and imagine how you would feel if someone said that to you. Then multiply by 10.
Give the vampire time to think. If a Narcissistic Legend responds immediately, it will most likely be with an attempt to explain why he or she is right and you are wrong. Saying, “I don’t expect you to answer immediately—we’ll talk about it tomorrow” is a way to discourage knee-jerk defensiveness. Remember to say it and walk away immediately.
Criticism is an important tool for changing vampire behavior. Like any other tool, if criticism is to work, it must be used with attention, skill, and forethought.
Most of the vampires we’ve met so far use temper tantrums to get their way. Narcissists practice tantrums as if they were a martial art. They hold black belts in both the endless lecture and the shoulder of ice. Despite their obvious skill, Narcissistic Legends throw tantrums that are relatively easy to tune out. Anger is a form of theater, and Legends are terrible actors. They don’t pay enough attention to their audience to draw people into the performance. Remember, they can’t sell much of anything.
They are creative, however. Narcissists have developed a form of manipulative emotional explosion all their own. Call it a guilt tantrum. When things go really badly, and these vampires sense that they are in major trouble, they may erupt into a torrent of self-blame. To the unwary, it may look as if these self-absorbed children of the night are finally catching on to what everyone has been trying to tell them for years. No way. The feelings are temporary, and if you scratch their newfound self-knowledge even slightly, you’ll find self-pity just below the surface. And incredibly transparent guilt trips.
“I don’t blame you for wanting to leave.” Tyler’s voice cracks, and his eyes fill with tears. “Who would want to live with a failure?”
“You’re not a failure,” Kristin says. She’s crying too. “You’re just—”
Tyler holds up his hand. “Don’t deny it. We both know I’m a pretty sorry human being.”
Stick to your guns. It hurts, but in the end, it’s kinder to everyone.
Narcissists require an enormous amount of praise, attention, and other supplies. Like pigeons in the park, when you run out of popcorn, they fly away. Sometimes it’s best to let them.
Even with good intentions and good technique, sometimes there’s nothing you can say or do to match the lure of Narcissistic Legends’ grandiose internal fantasies. If the going gets too rough, they can create an alternate reality for themselves and retreat into it forever.
By day, Tyler is a ne’er-do-well who can’t seem to hold a job, living alone in a grubby apartment. By night, as Trollmeister, he stalks the Internet, a bold warrior defeating all comers in fantasy games. He’s a legend among a small, select cadre of gamers. Nobody knows his real name or where he’s from. Only that he’s the best.