Beth lay in bed alone that night wishing Sami was home. Normally it didn’t worry her when he was in London, but tonight when she returned from yoga she was on edge. She’d even found herself double-checking the back door and windows, and had felt uneasy when she went out to shut the shed up for the night. Maybe it was drinking too much red wine, but she knew that wasn’t really what was unnerving her. It was saying those words, admitting that a friend may have killed Kathleen. Kathleen said they hid in the shadows. Beth felt that tonight: they were here, listening to her, watching her.
She shivered, got out of bed, and went downstairs. Ollie wagged his tail at the sight of company, and she gave him a treat. After finding her book, they went and curled up on the sofa unit. Together, they fell asleep.
Over the following days, whenever Beth tried to think about Kathleen’s fears or her death, she felt only despair. She got nowhere, just frustrated and confused. In the end she decided the only thing to do was to try to step away from it for a day or two. And so Beth went automatically about her routines and her work. Layla mooched about, not speaking to her, but she silently conformed. Each morning she slammed the front door. Beth was glad she didn’t have to teach her.
On Friday evening Sami had arranged for them to go out for a meal at the Hub with Alex. Beth was glad of an evening away from the house. It would be good to have a normal evening with Alex and get to know him better. Of course, he had been there at the house party, and it was possible he was the one who Kathleen had been talking about, but it didn’t seem likely. He had had little to do with Kathleen and he didn’t seem the sort to be hiding any dark secrets.
Beth made an extra effort getting ready. When she’d married Sami, his mother had given her the traditional gift of gold in the form of a necklace and earrings. Beth kept the deep yellow twenty-two carat gold for special occasions, and tonight felt a good time to wear it. She added a smattering of makeup. As she looked in the mirror, she decided her face was probably ageing slightly better than the rest of her. If she smiled right and had just brushed her hair she looked quite pretty; the rest of her body had slipped a few sizes up, but she had given up worrying. She had done the slimming club thing, followed the new shiny diet for a week or two, lost a few pounds, but quickly got bored. It then became a game of simply starving herself the day before she went to be weighed, and the day she realised all she was doing was paying someone to weigh her, she quit.
As they walked to the pub, Beth guessed that most people would be with family or in a couple; it couldn’t be easy for Alex. It was the position Patrick was in now; maybe they would become friends. She quickly dismissed that idea. Patrick was fighting middle age. Alex looked like a man who’d been waiting for it from his teens. His hair was cut in an old-fashioned way and the jumper was a size up to be comfortable.
When they arrived, Alex was sitting with a bottle of red wine. He gave a thin smile as he saw them. When they sat down, he said, ‘I ordered a bottle. I know you don’t drink, Sami, but I think Beth does?’ He looked at her nervously. Sami gave Beth a quick sideways look. Having been brought up as a Muslim in a family that never touched alcohol, he still found her drinking difficult.
‘That’s perfect, thank you,’ she said.
The restaurant area was decorated in lemon and white, wooden bookcases stacked with books for all ages and games. It was homely and relaxing in the daytime. For the evening, the games were hidden away, and subdued lighting and candles gave a more ‘bistro’ feel.
Sami, looking down the menu said, ‘How about a shared Mezze? That’s tonight’s special.’
‘Fine with me,’ said Alex.
‘And me,’ said Beth.
Beth saw Imogen’s daughter, Elsa, approach them. ‘Gemma told me you were working here.’
Elsa grinned. ‘Mum thinks it’s good for me.’
They ordered, then Beth asked Alex, ‘How are you settling into the flat?’
‘I shall start house hunting soon, but it’s not easy.’
‘I can imagine. Had Amy ever been to the island?’
He smiled. ‘She came once. I bought a caravan over here, hoped she’d come down more often, but she wasn’t well enough. The time we came we went to a silversmith and I bought her a pendant. She loved jewellery.’
‘Kathleen told me. Of course, Amy gave her the butterfly necklace; very pretty.’
‘Yes. It was very valuable, but I saw Kathleen wore it every day.’
‘The butterfly necklace was real diamonds? Good grief. I’d assumed it was dress jewellery. I know Patrick did. They, er, they asked him at the mortuary.’
She saw Alex flinch, and immediately regretted mentioning the mortuary. Alex fiddled with the single bud flower in the vase but must have pinched it too hard as the bud fell off in his hand. She saw the hurt in his eyes, pain still raw.
‘How did you find the police yesterday?’ Sami asked, with a swift change of subject.
‘It was OK. They were with you much longer.’
‘They mainly asked me about Kathleen’s work, how she got on with people, that kind of thing. Mind you, they did ask me a few questions about where I’d been the morning she died. Silly, but I found it unnerving.’
‘You didn’t say the police went to talk to you, Sami,’ said Beth.
‘It was nothing. I told them I was out running up at the Hendersons’.’ He looked back at Alex. ‘Did they ask you that kind of thing?’
Alex put his head to one side. ‘Yes, it seemed odd. I asked them why they wanted to know.’
Beth’s mind was running on; the police were asking questions. No one was simply taking Kathleen’s death as accidental.
‘Did they give a reason?’ asked Beth.
‘Said it was just procedure.’
‘So, where were you?’
‘At the caravan I mentioned. I went off early cycling.’
‘It’s odd, isn’t it, them asking that,’ said Beth.
‘I expect they were ruling us out of their enquiries,’ said Sami, laughing, trying to lighten the mood. Beth noticed Alex was refilling his glass. He held the bottle up questioningly and she held out her glass.
‘I didn’t know whether to mention about Kathleen being ill last Tuesday,’ Alex said to Sami.
‘It was nothing,’ he mumbled.
‘But she was in hospital,’ said Alex.
‘I didn’t realise you knew,’ said Sami. Beth tried to read the silent messages Sami was sending Alex.
‘She sent me a text on the Wednesday, just letting me know she hadn’t stayed at my house the night before. I was concerned, relieved when she told me you were missing lectures to travel back with her, and you stayed the night before with her. That was very kind.’
Beth’s eyes darted between the two men, then her gaze settled on Sami. ‘I didn’t know Kathleen had been ill, or that you’d been with her.’
‘I forgot. It was nothing. She just asked me to go around and be with her at the hospital.’
‘So, you didn’t stay at Kings College on the Tuesday night?’
‘No, um, not that night.’
‘What was the matter with her?’
‘It was precautionary. She’d had a panic attack, but her heart was racing. They wanted to keep an eye on her. I went over. They were just being careful: let her out the next morning.’
‘You said you were back early because your students had exams. You never told me about Kathleen,’ said Beth.
‘No. She asked me not to say anything.’
This was followed inevitably by an awkward silence, which Sami chose to break.
‘I hope you won’t miss London too much. It’s pretty quiet down here,’ he said to Alex.
‘I’m trying to settle, so I haven’t been back yet.’
Their food arrived; a huge variety of dishes: baba ghanoush; hummus; stuffed grape leaves; olives; goat’s cheese; brined roasted peppers and tzatziki, but Beth wasn’t hungry. Always one to avoid a scene, she didn’t feel she could ask Sami for an explanation in Alex’s company. It felt like trying to discuss the weather when a hand grenade has been thrown into the room.
‘This looks good,’ said Alex, apparently oblivious to the tension at the table.
Beth felt sorry for him. They had invited him here; he was their guest. ‘It does,’ she said. ‘So, I hear you enjoy cycling? Didn’t Sami say you sometimes do charity rides? Which charity do you support?’
‘One for people with mental trauma after a car accident like Amy. It’s small but very effective.’
‘You raise money for them with your online business as well, don’t you?’ said Sami. ‘Selling coins, collectables; you were saying you can make a lot of money online—’
‘How interesting,’ said Beth.
‘Not everyone says that,’ he said, a gentle smile on his lips showing a hidden sense of humour. ‘I’m afraid it’s in the blood. It was my father’s life.’
At that moment Gemma came in. To Beth’s surprise, Gemma leant down and gave Alex a hug. He blushed, but didn’t seem to mind.
‘This man is the reason for our rise in profits,’ said Gemma, smiling.
Alex grinned, and the lines of pain for a moment seemed to drop away. ‘My secret is out.’
‘We enjoy a catch up now, don’t we?’ said Gemma, smiling at him. ‘We are so lucky to have you and Sami at the pharmacy. It’s going to be the go-to place on the island.’
Beth pointed with her fork to her barely touched food. ‘This is fantastic.’
‘I’ll tell the chef. We’ve had him a few months. He’s great. I need to keep him a secret from the rest of the island restaurants, don’t want him getting poached.’ Gemma grinned at Beth and looked around. ‘This has all been so much more successful than we expected. I think we’re going to need to take on another person to take care of the community room side of things. It’s not being used anything like as much as it should be.’ Looking back at Alex she said, ‘Now, you persuade this chap to find a house in Castleford. I don’t want to be losing one of my best customers.’
Sami looked over his glasses at Alex. ‘You be careful what you tell Gemma. She’s more effective than the County Press at spreading the news.’ If Sami had smiled it would have helped, but he went back to eating his meal.
Beth laughed, but she was annoyed with Sami. Why spoil the one moment when Alex seemed to relax? However, Gemma ignored him. ‘By the way, do you still want your table here tomorrow evening for St Patrick’s night? I didn’t know, given the circumstances, if you wanted to cancel. Please don’t worry about it.’
‘Oh, sorry,’ said Beth. ‘I’d forgotten but, thinking about it, I think we should keep the table. I’ll let people know and it’s up to them then if they want to come. I don’t expect Patrick will, of course, but I think it’s a way of remembering Kathleen. She loved it.’
‘That’s fine with us,’ said Gemma.
‘Alex, if you fancy coming here two days running, we’ll be here about half seven,’ said Sami.
‘Thank you. No cooking two nights running: suits me.’
‘I’ll leave you to eat. See you all tomorrow, then,’ said Gemma, and left.
Sami leant forward. ‘I am very grateful for the work you put in on Saturday. Is everything OK?’ he asked Alex quietly.
Beth sensed work talk coming on and concentrated on choosing from the dishes and then looked around. The restaurant was comfortably full. She was pleased for Gemma: they needed numbers like this.
‘Has Sami told you about all our plans?’ Alex asked Beth.
‘He was telling me about your plan to expand the online side of the business.’
‘We want our pharmacies to grow.’
‘Pharmacies?’
Alex nodded earnestly. ‘Well, one step at a time.’ Beth saw the light burning in Alex’s eyes, and Sami joined in.
‘When Alex moves out of his flat, we are going to redesign the space up there for consulting rooms.’
‘Will the doctors feel you are stealing their jobs?’
‘Not at all. It lightens their load, improves the provision for their patients.’
They continued eating. Sami talked about the pharmacy until Alex turned to Beth and asked, ‘Didn’t Sami mention you are doing a degree?’
‘Yes, online. I’m doing it in modules. It means I can go at my own pace.’
‘That’s interesting,’ said Alex.
‘She could do with some pressure, get that final assignment in. Beth’s going to be a teacher one day. I’m so proud of her.’ Sami turned, and patted her hand, adding, ‘and her dad would have been as well.’ Sami smiled at Beth. ‘She doesn’t talk about her father much, but he was a very clever man, an English lecturer in an American university.’
Beth gave him a glare, but Sami said, ‘It’s good to remember him, love. I know it was wrong of him to leave you, but he sounded such an interesting man and I’m sure he’d have been so proud of you.’
‘Do you have to do a thesis?’ asked Alex.
‘They call it an extended essay, but yes. I’m doing it on literary connections to the island. People have no idea how many writers have links here. Obviously, there is Tennyson, then Lewis Carroll, Edward Lear, Charles Kingsley. Queen Victoria kept a diary here. Enid Blyton stayed here. It goes on. In fact, I think I’ve made it too broad. I might start again and concentrate on Tennyson.’
Alex sat forward and surprised her by saying, ‘I would love to read it when you finish it. It sounds fascinating. I love poetry, all kind of reading actually. Imogen and I swap novels, usually crime.’
‘Imogen said you discovered you both loved to read.’
‘Yes. Her and William came to stay with me after Christmas. They wanted to see some of London. I needed company. I was in a very dark place then, having only just lost Amy. Imogen and I discovered we both liked reading and she helped me get back into books. It was a real help, an escape I guess.’
‘I can understand that. Sami, on the other hand, only reads medical books. So, what are you reading now?’
Beth wasn’t sure if it was the wine, but Alex seemed genuinely interested and they carried on chatting about books. Sami, she noticed, was very quiet.
They ordered pudding and then left the pub as soon as they had finished.
As they walked up the street Beth was burning with questions. To think Sami had lied to her was so shocking: he never lied. But then he’d explained it all, hadn’t he? Was she over-reacting? She had to say something, but she and Sami didn’t do rows. She’d joked they could easily ignore a whole room full of elephants if necessary.
When they got in, Sami and Beth started to go through the usual night-time routines, both knowing their roles but also knowing they were avoiding talking. Sami let Ollie out in the back garden. Beth tidied the kitchen. Ollie came back in and sat on his bed waiting for his treat before he was left for the night.
Sami was pouring himself a large glass of water, and Beth knew they could easily go to bed with nothing sorted, but she’d never be able to sleep. So she coughed, and started awkwardly. ‘I think you should have told me about Kathleen being in hospital. When you said she was emotional, was it something to do with that?’
‘Kathleen went in for observations after a panic attack. That’s all. Her heart had been racing most of the day. They wanted to monitor it.’
‘But why didn’t you tell me?’
‘Kathleen didn’t want anyone to know she’d stayed in hospital. You know how people over-react.’
‘So, I am just “people”, am I?’
‘Of course not, but she asked me not to say anything to anyone, not even Patrick, so please don’t mention it to him.’
Sami opened the cake tin and nibbled at a Welsh cake.
Beth pursed her lips. ‘I’ve asked you where you were last Tuesday evening. You let me believe you’d stayed at King’s, and now I find out you were at the hospital with Kathleen. You lied to me. You told me you came back early because the students had an exam.’
‘Look, I admit I didn’t tell you the truth, but I was protecting Kathleen. If you like it was a lie for the greater good, a white lie.’
Beth understood his reasoning more than he realised. It was how she often justified keeping her own secret to herself, telling the lies she did to Sami. But deep down she knew it was not all about others: it was to protect herself, to avoid being looked down on, rejected, even by Sami.
Beth looked at her husband. The problem was working out if he had been lying purely to protect Kathleen or if there was some other, darker reason. That was what was really tearing at her, but she didn’t have the courage to go there. Instead she took a different path.
‘I can just about accept you were trying to protect Kathleen, but in the light of what’s happened, I think you should have told me. I mean, why did she have this massive panic attack?’
‘It was just one of those things, the move and everything getting on top of her. It was nothing to do with her death; it was personal. She had her reasons for wanting things kept private and I respected that.’
‘But for God’s sake, Sami, she’s dead now and none of us know why she died.’
‘The police will find out what happened. It was most likely an accident.’
‘But all those things she told me on Sunday, I can’t just click my fingers and magic them away. I don’t want to. I’ve already started to find out things about Kathleen I never knew. They may not be important as to why she died, but I’ve a feeling they may be. Gemma understood why I’ve been asking questions; she doesn’t think I should stop.’
Sami’s eyes widened in alarm. ‘What have you been saying to Gemma?’
‘I only told her what Kathleen had said to me on Sunday evening.’
‘For goodness sake, of all the people to tell it to! It’ll be all over the island by tomorrow.’
‘No. You underestimate Gemma. She has a lot of insight, and I needed to talk to someone who wasn’t going to dismiss everything I say like you and Imogen do.’
‘You talked to Imogen about it as well?’
‘Well—’
‘For goodness sake, Beth!’
Beth stood upright, crossed her arms. ‘I only said what had happened. That is all. And you know – I’m not sorry. I know it involves our friends, but I am trying to be brave and face it.’
Sami came close to her. ‘You can’t go around casting aspersions about our friends. The police pick up on these things. Look at them questioning me and Alex about what we’d been doing on Monday morning. They probably did that because you said Kathleen thought she’d upset one of us. It’s dangerous to go spreading gossip. You have to be careful when police are involved.’
‘I was very careful, but I have a right to talk to my friends about what I’m worried about, and I am still very anxious about Kathleen.’
‘This is not about what you think you need. It’s about not offending our friends and, even more importantly, Patrick and Conor. They need protecting from rumours and speculation that will hurt them.’
Beth clenched her fists in frustration. ‘You talk as if I am enjoying all this, but I hate the whole thing. I want to ignore it all, but how can I? I believe Kathleen was being intimidated by one of our friends. I don’t want that to be the case, but it is. Gemma made me realise nothing is as simple as I want it to be.’
‘What did she say?’
Beth swallowed hard. ‘She told me that Kathleen had an affair.’
Sami coughed, as if choking on his biscuit, grabbed his glass of water and sipped it, before asking, ‘Where the hell did she get that idea?’
‘Gemma told me she’d found Kathleen crying in the toilet one evening. Kathleen was going on about some man and how it had all been a terrible mistake.’
‘A combination of Kathleen drunk and Gemma’s gossip: that’s a very reliable basis for a story!’
‘Gemma was sure Kathleen was serious.’
‘That’s ridiculous. I don’t know where she got that from. You mustn’t go around saying this to anyone.’
Beth held her fist in the air. She never thumped or hit things, but she was desperate to do so. ‘You keep telling me what to do, what not to do. If you would trust me, talk to me, it would stop my mind running away with me.’
Sami shook his head. ‘You need to control yourself, stop playing games. I need to go to bed. My head is thumping.’
He stormed off and Beth stood very still, staring at the table. Why was Sami so angry with her? Why wouldn’t he talk to her?
She went over to the window, and she allowed the dark thoughts out into the light. People joked about it; she had laughed it off, but it never went away. Sami and Kathleen. No, Kathleen’s affair had been with someone on her course. But the thought boomeranged back. Gemma had only been guessing. It could be someone much closer to home. ‘Innocent’, Imogen called her. What if Kathleen had never been in hospital, and they’d been in some fancy hotel room? Beth felt her throat constrict; her heart was pounding. It couldn’t be, could it? Sami wasn’t the type. She stopped. How many women had thought that before they’d found out their husband was being unfaithful?
Alex had returned to his flat. Coming back after a night with people was always the time he felt most alone. He had taken his key out of the old filing cabinet drawer on the landing and let himself in. The flat was very tidy. He had hung up pictures, but still it felt cold and lonely. Alex went into the kitchen and poured himself a glass of whisky: one more drink wouldn’t hurt.
Slumping into his armchair, he thought about Beth. He could see Kathleen’s death was playing on her mind. When he’d met her that day at the ford and again tonight, he’d seen the intensity with which she talked about Kathleen. What exactly had Kathleen been saying the night before she died?
Alex picked up his wedding photograph that always stood on the table next to his chair. That had been an incredible day, one that made him fully realise the new world he had entered. He’d not grown up in a wealthy family. Concepts like ‘money is no object’, and ‘only the best will do’, were foreign to him. And it wasn’t just money: it was taste. Fortunately, when it came to the wedding, all he’d had to do was turn up, wear the clothes picked out for him, read the speech that had been gone through by Amy and the family. He’d wondered if it was like that for royalty when they attended something as a guest of honour. The one thing he had done was buy that butterfly necklace and earrings for Amy. He had used his savings, had had to sell some of the most valuable coins his father had left, to afford them. He had been shocked when Amy gave the necklace away. He tried to tell himself it was Amy’s way of thanking Kathleen, but at the very least it had been an uncharacteristically insensitive thing to do.
Kathleen had come into both their lives as something warm, something soft in a hard world during a hard, dark time. Amy had been slowly, physically and mentally, crumbling. She became more and more dependent, and he had been exhausted, never able to relax. When he went to work, despite having carers in for Amy, he felt he should be home. Giving up his practice had been devastating, but he had made his reputation and had made sure he was doing locum work in the right places. However, he couldn’t go on courses, attend lectures, be seen in the right places. Wherever he was, he was always waiting, watching, checking his phone. There were all the near misses, the accidents, forgetting to turn off taps, ovens, to lock doors. He’d tried everything to make Amy’s life accident proof: he organised her clothes, her medication, everything. His escape each week had been coming here to the island to cover for Sami, his Tuesday night here in the flat an oasis. His one night off when someone else cared for Amy, once a month, that person being Kathleen. He’d been so grateful, but it was more than that. He knew he looked forward to the times Kathleen worked with him too much.
However, like he had said to Beth, Kathleen was complicated. There had been a side to her he could never have imagined. He saw it too late. He felt the anger bubble up inside him, burning his stomach, his throat. He stumbled to the kitchen, and refilled his glass.