The next day, Beth was thinking about Alex as she walked home from the school, when she received a phone call from Patrick. He sounded breathless, panicky.
‘Listen. Something has cropped up. Can you come over?’
‘Today?’
‘Yes. Please, it’s urgent.’
‘What is it?’
‘There’s something you need to see.’
‘I have to walk Ollie, so I could take him up to the Downs and come to you after. Can you cope with a cocker spaniel as well as me?’
Beth grabbed a packet of crisps and a banana before driving up to the Downs. It was not brilliant sunshine, but instead it was a dull, quiet kind of day. Together she and Ollie walked slowly up the central path. The sea was only just distinguishable from the sky, but it was restful.
She drove on to Patrick’s, and rang the doorbell.
‘Is it OK to bring Ollie in? I’ll keep him on his lead.’
It was a measure of Patrick’s distraction that he didn’t seem to care.
‘Come in,’ he said, briskly. ‘I finally got up the courage to go through Kathleen’s things. It was going well, and then I found something.’
Beth waited, and noticed Patrick glance down at Ollie.
‘Wait there and I’ll bring them down.’
Beth sat on the sofa; Ollie lay down on the floor beside her.
Patrick returned with some small jewellery gift boxes. ‘Sorting through the drawers, and look what I found—’
He laid them on the coffee table in front of her.
‘She had some lovely things,’ said Beth.
‘But I never gave her any of these,’ said Patrick. ‘They’re very expensive pieces. I don’t understand. Where have they come from?’
Beth picked up a pearl necklace in a beautiful box, and touched a diamond brooch in a case. ‘I’ve only ever seen jewellery like this at Alex’s house,’ she said.
‘Amy gave her that butterfly necklace. Do you think she gave her these? It seems too much; I don’t understand.’
Beth breathed deeply. ‘I think you need to ask Alex about them.’
‘Is he at the pharmacy?’
‘No. He’s off today, cycling.’
‘I could try his mobile.’
Beth was busy thinking of a way to get away: she couldn’t face Alex after last night.
Alex answered Patrick’s call surprisingly quickly. Beth heard Patrick explain what he needed to discuss.
Patrick reported, ‘Funnily enough, Alex is close by. He said he could be here in ten minutes.’
‘Why don’t I just leave you to it?’ suggested Beth.
‘Please stay. I could do with the moral support.’
They went out into the garden. Beth released Ollie and he ran straight to where the chicken coop had been. He ran around sniffing.
‘Have the chickens settled in OK with Jilly?’
‘I haven’t asked. I guess so.’
‘How is Conor?’
‘We’re getting on OK. His dad has a lot to answer for. However, the exciting thing is that Conor likes coming out on shoots with me. He is very eager to learn. Who knows if it’s something he’ll do seriously, but I enjoy having a protégé: it’s given me something to do. And it’s given him something else.’ Patrick looked out at the sea. ‘It’s good for me. Although, of course, nothing fills that hole, does it? I see Kathleen, hear her, all the time.’
‘Have you thought of counselling?’
‘No, not yet. William suggested it the other evening when he came round, but I don’t think I’m ready yet.’
‘I suggested it to Conor. It can help to talk to someone.’
‘I will mention it to him again. He’s got a lot to unravel. What I’d love to do is get away. Everything here just reminds me of Kathleen. The trouble is, just when I think I’ve made a step forward, the pain of it all washes over me and I feel like I’m back to square one.’
‘I heard somewhere that grieving the loss of someone so close is like climbing a spiral staircase: you feel like you are going round and round, but slowly you are climbing.’
‘I guess that could be right. It’s difficult. I don’t know that I want to get better. I don’t ever want to forget her.’
‘Of course not.’
Alex came around the back of the house. Beth could feel her cheeks burning. However, he called out in a friendly way, propped his bike against the hedge and came over.
‘Thanks so much for coming,’ said Patrick. ‘Come and get a cold drink.’
Alex gave Beth a quick reassuring smile, and they went inside. Alex drank a glass of water, and then asked, ‘So, what is the mystery?’
‘Come and see this.’
Patrick showed Alex the jewellery on the table. Alex stared at the items and reached out, his hand shaking. He handled the necklace and the brooch. He looked back at them.
‘Do you recognise these?’ asked Patrick.
‘Where did you find them?’
‘In Kathleen’s drawers. Tell me, Alex, did Amy give any of these to Kathleen?’
Alex sat down on the sofa, shaking his head. ‘Amy didn’t give them to Kathleen, but they did belong to her.’
Patrick turned pale, slumped down, his mouth open. When he finally spoke, his words stumbled out. ‘But how? I don’t understand.’
Alex took a deep breath. ‘I didn’t want to raise it, Patrick. None of it matters any more.’
‘I think it does. Please, Alex. Tell me.’
Alex looked at Beth, pleading with his eyes but she said, ‘I think Patrick needs to know.’
The patio doors were open. Beth could hear the seagulls and crows in the distance; it was a very still day.
‘As you know, Amy became fond of Kathleen very quickly. Well, the second time Kathleen went to stay, that was in October, Amy gave Kathleen the butterfly necklace. I admit I found that hard as I’d given that to Amy when we got married, but it was Amy’s choice and I could see Kathleen was delighted with it. But then, after Amy died, it must have been late January, Kathleen told me she’d found the butterfly earrings that match the necklace in her bag. She said she couldn’t remember taking them: all she could think of was that she’d picked them up by mistake.’
‘That’s not likely, is it?’
‘No, not at all. I wanted to believe her. She’d been such a good friend, helped me through one of the hardest times of my life. I was desperate to find an excuse. That’s why I went to William. It seemed so out of character. But he obviously didn’t think there was any medical reason. I had to face the fact that she had stolen them. I guessed it was guilt that made her want to return them. I was so upset, angry. I didn’t know how to handle it. Kathleen had been like some angel, coming and looking after Amy occasionally, and then supporting me. I couldn’t take them back. I was too hard on her, maybe. Looking at all this makes me wonder if she did have a problem after all.’
‘So, you hadn’t missed any of this?’
‘No. I’ve hardly been in Amy’s room, never looked at her jewellery.’
Patrick’s face creased with pain. ‘I can’t believe it. Kathleen would never have stolen anything. You know her upbringing, strict Catholic. I would have thought fear would have stopped her if nothing else. Didn’t the pharmacy fail an inspection because pills had gone missing? Kathleen seemed worried about it; you don’t think she stole anything from there, do you?’
‘No. I told Beth. I never believed she would do that.’
‘But you think she stole these?’ Patrick was bent in despair. ‘You must take them back.’
‘No, I couldn’t. I don’t want to touch them.’
‘But I can’t keep them. Kathleen always loved jewellery, but to steal—’ Patrick stared at the jewellery as if it was only just starting to sink in. ‘My Kathleen did all this? I don’t understand. I thought I knew her.’
‘The day she died,’ he said, his voice trembling, ‘they asked me about how she was. Maybe she took her own life: felt so guilty for what she’d done.’ He sat down, his shoulders shaking. He moaned quietly like an injured animal, but there were no tears.
Alex sat by him. ‘Patrick,’ he spoke the name firmly, causing Patrick to still. ‘We are all made up of many pieces. Just because we don’t like one, it doesn’t mean the others are not also part of us. Kathleen may have done this, but she was capable of love, kindness, generosity. I know that whatever she did, she loved you. She told me that you were her world, her everything.’
‘Did she really say that?’
‘I’m not lying. And you must hold on to that, Patrick. I promise you, any other path will lead to madness.’
Patrick stood up. ‘You’ve been so understanding. Thank you, Alex. That was brave. I still love her with all my heart, but I am so very sorry for what she did.’
Alex gave a heartbreakingly sad smile. ‘I’ve forgiven her. It’s in the past now. I think I’d better go. Please, both of you, don’t let this go any further: leave Kathleen’s memory safe. I don’t want any police involvement, nothing. It’s finished now.’
Alex left. Patrick found a small bag, and put the boxes into it. Holding it out to Beth, he said, ‘Please can you do something with these. Sell them. Give the money to charity. Please, I don’t want them in the house.’
‘But I don’t want them.’ Beth could feel herself shaking. Not fear, but anger bubbled away inside her. How dare Kathleen do such a thing? Beth didn’t believe Kathleen had been ill: this was greed, and she’d stolen from someone who trusted her. It was despicable.
She saw tears on Patrick’s cheeks, ‘Please, Beth.’
Beth relented. ‘OK. I’ll take them. I don’t know what to do. What if Alex changes his mind, wants them back?’
‘I don’t think he will. He doesn’t want to think about them any more than I do.’
‘I’ll take them for now. We’ll think in a few weeks’ time what we should do with them.’
Beth left Patrick staring at the empty table, lost. How was Alex feeling now? She needed to talk to him: there was something she needed to say. As she drove, she saw Alex ahead of her, cycling into the caravan park. She slowed down and followed him in, up to what she assumed was his caravan. He propped his bike up, and it was only as he was removing his helmet that he saw her.
‘Sorry. I hope you don’t mind me coming here.’
‘Of course not. It was all very upsetting. Do you want to come in?’
‘No, it’s all right, but there’s something I need to ask you.’ Beth looked over at the sea, sparkling in the sunshine. ‘You were right about your pitch: it’s amazing.’
‘Thanks. I love it here. Elsa, Imogen’s daughter, has been here taking photographs; she’s been experimenting with night photography, apparently. I gave Imogen a key, said she could bring Elsa any time she wants.’
Beth sat down on the warm grass. Alex sat next to her. She was aware of the sounds of the sea below, the same sounds of sea washing over the pebbles as she’d heard at Kathleen’s. Alex waited patiently.
‘I am so sorry for some of the things I’ve said to you,’ began Beth, ‘but there’s something I’m now pretty sure of, and I need to know if I’m right.’
‘And what’s that?’
‘It’s about Kathleen. I think, Alex, that the person she slept with and the father of her baby was you.’
‘No, never,’ he said, but the words were weak. They carried no conviction. She knew then that she was right.
‘It’s all right, Alex. I’m not judging you.’
His head dropped low over his knees. ‘How did you guess?’
‘I didn’t know definitely until last night. There had been clues: the way you talked about her, sometimes loving, sometimes so angry. Then there was the coin. A butterfly in a heart: it’s quite romantic, isn’t it? But then there were the flowers you put on Kathleen’s grave, the same pink ribbon with stars on you use for your coin business.’
Alex closed his eyes. ‘You’re right, of course. I meant the note. I have forgiven her. At the funeral I realised it was time for us to find peace again with each other. I forgave her, and I hope she can forgive me. I was too hard on her. They’re only things. Does anyone else know about Kathleen and me?’
‘I don’t think anyone else knows… well, William suggested it, but he was just speculating.’
‘That’s something. Living with all this has been a nightmare: the shame of what I’d done. It’s like carrying around this enormous boulder of guilt, desperately trying to hide it, but at the same time longing to be rid of it. The person I feel I’ve let down the most is Amy. I should never have slept with someone else so soon after losing her. It was only a few weeks after.’
Alex put his head in his hands. ‘I knew it was a mistake as soon as it happened, but I’d been so lonely. I was talking after work with Kathleen. She was upset. She’d been on this skiing weekend and was very down. I invited her up to the flat for a drink. We were talking, she cried, I comforted her. The next thing, well, we slept together. It was a mistake. We both regretted it, but we thought we could carry on as if it hadn’t happened.’
‘In January she told me she’d found the butterfly earrings in her bag. I was so confused, and felt so betrayed. As I just told Patrick, it took a while for me to believe she’d taken them, but in the end, I knew it. We made a good fist of working together, but outside that I couldn’t bear to look at her. Then, a few weeks later Kathleen found out she was pregnant. I knew she was going to keep the baby. She didn’t believe in abortion: it was her choice. I would have financially supported her, but she wanted to talk to Patrick, pretend the baby was his. It seemed ridiculous, but she was convinced that he would accept the story from her, and I agreed. She sent me a text the night she went into hospital. I knew then she’d lost the baby.’
‘But what if she’d told Patrick about you?’
‘If she had, I’d have lived with it. What we did wasn’t a crime: it was a terrible mistake.’
He lifted his head, turned to face Beth. ‘If you’re thinking I might have killed Kathleen to stop her telling anyone about us, well, you’ve got it all wrong. My only feeling of shame was towards Amy and her memory. No one else matters. I was upset about the earrings but not that angry. You said she knew something about this other person? Well, I’ve done nothing. There was nothing amiss with Amy’s death. You don’t know how carefully I read the report, but it’s all there in black and white. I shall give a copy to Sami. He can explain it all. I promise you: I never hurt anyone.’
Beth looked out to sea, saw a ship on the horizon, far, far away, and wished she was out there, away from all this heartache.
She stood up. ‘Thank you for being so honest with me, I’d better be getting home.’
At home, Beth thrust the jewellery into a drawer. Like Alex, she didn’t want to touch it or think about it. She lay in bed later, slept badly, until, hearing the dawn chorus, she went downstairs. It was cold and quiet in the kitchen. Ollie came running over, delighted to have company so early.
‘Layla was right, Ollie, life can be shit.’ She filled up his water bowl and made herself some hot milk, more to cuddle the mug than to drink. She heard a creaking in the hallway and Sami came in.
‘What are you doing up?’ she asked.
He yawned. ‘I could ask the same of you.’
Ollie raced over, very excited to have even more company.
‘Are you OK?’
She shook her head. ‘Not really. I have so many things going round in my head. I feel stupid and angry.’
Beth explained about the CCTV, the jewellery.
‘So I thought I was being really clever. I got the car thing all wrong, and now I find the person I’ve been fighting for was a thief.’
‘Kathleen would never have stolen expensive jewellery from someone who had been so sick and had trusted her.’
‘Alex is sure she stole the earrings,’ she said more gently. ‘He didn’t say anything because he never wanted to make a fuss. I don’t think he’d have ever told anyone if Patrick hadn’t found the jewellery in Kathleen’s room.’
Sami shook his head. ‘It’s very kind of Alex. Very sad. Poor Patrick.’
‘I feel angry with Kathleen. All this fighting I’ve been doing for her, confronting friends, trying to find some sort of truth, and I feel she’s manipulated me.’
‘If she’d done anything like this, it was because she wasn’t well.’
‘And would you feel the same if she’d been stealing from the pharmacy? She could have been, you know.’
Sami didn’t reply. He looked down at the table.
‘We don’t have to pretend,’ said Beth. ‘We were both fooled by her.’
Sami spoke sharply. ‘Where is the jewellery now?’
‘Upstairs in a drawer.’
‘We can’t just keep it there, you know.’
‘I don’t want to think about it. I’ve been forgiving her everything. Even when I thought the affair might have been with you, I didn’t get angry with her. I took it all out on you. How much did she lie to me? Maybe the wolf she was so scared of, who was so much bigger than she feared, was not out there but inside herself all the time.’