The hall was only two streets away but by the time I arrived I’d felt my whole body seize up again. Nothing is going to happen, I assured myself. I can do the same as yesterday. As long as I’m back in good time. It’s fine.
I regretted going the moment I arrived. Alan had yet to take his seat, the high-vis neon jacket almost blinding me as he stepped forward to clasp both my hands in his.
“Emma, we waited,” he said, drawing me over to a chair at the table.
“Alan was gracious enough to wait for you,” Denise called.
“And I can’t be too long at this little gathering, ladies,” Alan announced, lips pressed together. “I’ve got something in the slow cooker.”
“You know, Alan, this little gathering,” I said suddenly, “runs the playgroup for you, without which you wouldn’t pay your mortgage.”
He blinked twice as I moved chairs to sit down next to Catrin.
“All right, Emma,” she whispered, quietly shaking with laughter. “Vive la révolution.”
Alan was looking rather morose in his neon-yellow get-up as Denise stared across at me.
“Well,” she finally found her voice, “Emma, when you are quite settled we will begin. Lena, the new rota reflects that you will be taking the minutes this evening. Emma will be taking them in two weeks’ time.”
“Emma won’t be, I’m afraid,” I said, taking a breath and straightening in my seat.
“And why is that? I have edited the rota,” Denise said with an irritated jerk of her head.
“I can’t take them because I won’t be here,” I announced.
Denise stopped. “The new rota clearly says . . .”
I felt the usual flicker of panic. I’d never liked letting people down, wanting to be reliable, steady, to be there if I’d said I was going to be there. But as I looked round at their surprised faces I remembered where I could be. At home, with my family, or seeing a friend. Why was I so worried about offending people I barely knew?
I thought of the missed calls from Hattie, who’d been by my side for years through so much of my marriage, the pregnancies, when I’d been upset about Mum not seeing the kids. Hattie who’d never pestered me to see her, never asked for anything. And I’d taken that for granted, like I had taken lots of things for granted. And I was making excuses not to talk to her, but allowing myself to be cowed by the Denises of the world.
I thought of Miles, lonely and sad at home. What had I missed while being caught up with stuff like this?
And then I thought of Dan.
“I’m stepping down from the committee,” I said in a rush, knowing I needed to do this quickly, otherwise I would end up apologizing, going back on myself.
Denise and Alan both started talking at once. “The minutes! The correct protocol! My casserole! You can’t just . . .”
“Women on this committee have often proved to be notoriously flaky, not you of course, Denise, not you.”
Denise was too cross to respond to him, still just staring me down.
“I thought mums were all superheroes,” I said, turning to him. He frowned and I was just about to leave but the heat was rising in my cheeks, and actually, what the hell? “And we’re not flaky, we’re overworked and expected to juggle an insane number of things with fuck-all thanks. Alan, you don’t even come to most meetings! I’ve been trying to leave this committee for two years but no one will listen. So, I’m doing it now, while you are.”
“But . . .”
Denise and Alan were both speechless, Lena was biting her lip.
“I’m sorry, I really am,” I said. “But I am sure you can agree things without me anyway, and put a call-out for other volunteers. And I’ve done my time, more than my time,” I added. And with that I stood again, grabbed my things, and left the hall. By the time I got to the door Denise was already instructing Lena not to minute the contents of my outburst (“Of course, Denise”) and Alan was telling Catrin that some women just couldn’t handle responsibility.
The street was darkening as I stepped back outside, lamps glowing orange as I turned for home past Catrin’s car, her cherry-red Ford Focus.
“Hey Emma,” came a shout from the steps, and Catrin was there, arms wrapped around her. “Wait.”
I turned, watching her take the steps two at a time toward me, “Er, drama llama, check you finally releasing yourself.”
“I did,” I said, a small laugh. “I just realized I’ve been wasting my time on the wrong things,” I admitted.
“Well, I’m glad. Some of our kids actually attend the group still—aren’t yours basically voting now?”
“Not quite,” I said, a pang as I thought of Poppy and Miles. They were growing up so fast and I’d been missing it, missing those everyday moments. I’d always promised myself I wouldn’t be so caught up in my own life that I would miss theirs—how had I let that happen?
“Well, I’ll miss you, but go! Go now before Alan explains why he’s wearing a high-vis jacket,” she said, with a wide smile and a quick hug.
“I will,” I said, feeling a weight drop away as I realized people understood, people that I liked would get it. That someone else could step into the breach.
“Be free!” she called after me as I turned toward home, toward Dan. “Be free!”